minor bump with meta

[wunderful]

Just wanted to share on here because I'm really wondering why I am having so much difficulty processing a seemingly minor bump with my husband and my meta.

Last night he stayed at her house. Background. It's been roughly 3months since they started their relationship again, so about 3 months that he's been at her house 1-2 times a week with a few bumps in amongst that. About a month into that, she suggested to him that he leave some work clothes at her house, and toiletries. He declined, and I also freaked out a little, because while she says she's poly, all actions point towards mono, (which is fine) except for a looooong time before this (ie 2yrs) she has on occasion tried to get him into a mono relationship with him, and there is certainly a lot of mistrust on my part with her. She knew it was a sensitive issue at that time, being a new situation, it was shelved, as neither husband or I were ready.

So last night out of the blue, she had toothbrush and paste sitting there at her place that she'd purchased for him, as well as the shower gel him and I use here at home, that she must have asked him about, and she had cleared out a cupboard in the bathroom for him.
I know I have no right to even attempt to control what she does and doesn't do. But I am feeling really hurt right now, that she went ahead without consulting either of us, given it was previously a sensitive topic, and just did what she did. She has said she did it because she is looking for ways to show him she loves him. IMO respect of boundaries is what shows love. anyway. I have really been trying to put myself in her and in my husbands shoes. I believe if my future partner (I don't have another partner at the moment) did the little toothpaste and brush gesture after a little while I'd be tickled. I'd probably be slightly freaked out at the cupboard gesture especially if it was out of the blue. So I'm not saying that he shouldn't keep some things there, and if that's his choice, sure. And if she needs that for a security that he's going to be around, well, she needs to just own that, and I can respect that.

But i'm really hurting that she completely disregarded that it could have been a difficult one for both my husband and for me.

And today I've been messaging my husband while he's at work, trying to work through it myself, and now he's closed down because he feels like he's been caught in a hard place because in his efforts to be honest and transparent, he has inadventently shared something that's hurt me, and now my meta is hurting (apparently) because she feels like she can never do anything right. gah. I am so freaking over this, and i just need to vent. So I feel like my feelings are now problematic because they cause a shut down in my husband. I have not in anyway blamed him or his meta for my feelings, but have just shared how hurt I am. But I still feel terrible for feeling this way. And feel like my feeling hurt by this is somehow unjustified. Should I just be ok with it? And how is that possible anyway. Just stuff all the feelings into a box and throw away the key?!!!!

OK. That's all. Rant over. Am open to being hit by some fairly straight advice, if I am out of line here. thankyou in advance.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I assume you want to be in this willingly with these people.

If you don't really want to be doing this with these people or if she IS a cowgirl -- that another thing entirely.

I see at least 3 overlapping problems.

PROBLEM 1: COWGIRLING
I could be wrong, but basically you seem upset because you think she's trying to cowgirl him away. That is the first problem. If so, your problem is not with her. It's that you don't trust him to keep an even head and handle himself and tell her "no" if she starts doing that.

How long does she have to "behave well" before you decide she isn't trying to cowgirl him off? Has she clocked the time?

How long does he have to demonstrate “I can handle myself” trustworthiness so you can trust that if she did try to cowgirl him, he would tell her to cut it out or end it with her? Has he clocked the time?

If they HAVE clocked the time...what stops you from relaxing?

PROBLEM 2:OVERSHARING
The second problem I see is husband oversharing details. He's trying to be “open and transparent” but really he ends up overloading/triggering you when you are in a sensitive time. You are dealing with new changes which is one load of stuff to process. To get extra loads from the side from him might be adding to your burdens. You might prefer to know less for a while so you can adjust to one thing at a time.

PROBLEM 3:ANXIETY MANAGEMENT

Maybe jumping to conclusions from anxiety rather than taking things at face value.

To me? You seem to be getting upset because she did some shopping for her house. Is it horrible now that he's staying there for him to shower? Is it horrible for him to have the things to clean himself with – toothbrush, soap? Is it horrible, since he's a regular guest, for the hostess to give him a shelf or basket for his toiletries? He's not moving in with her. He's cleaning himself.

I think if you examine that you might decide “No, that's not horrible.”

But HEARING ABOUT THEIR STUFF (where she's hostess and he's a regular sleepover guest) is triggering your “OMG, she's cowgirling him!” anxiety button. Like runaway thoughts. This is WHY you need to be hearing less at this time from your husband. Always being in "high alert" is not healthy.

If your husband did not like the soap or whatever that she bought him? Isn't that a problem he can solve with her WITHOUT dragging you into it?

I am not hearing where you, him, and her have made an explicit agreement on how much information get shared, when, and how. What is "news" and what is not news. Have you?

• Stuff like THIS is newsworthy - def tell me those "big news" things. That is being open and transparent. Do that. Esp if emergency -- you don't have to wail til morning, wake me up!
  
• Stuff like THIS is ok to mention. "Little news" is ok. Can take or leave it. But don't be waking me up. During business hours, please.
  
• Stuff like THIS is extra fluff -- don't tell me that. That's gushing / oversharing / kinda driving me crazy. Don't do that. Don't wake me up, and not in the day either.
  
• If you aren't sure which category the thing is, we can talk on a case by case basis until we all kinda get on the same page about it. But make an appointment to talk -- don't be bombing me with it from nowhere.

I am feeling really hurt right now, that she went ahead without consulting either of us, given it was previously a sensitive topic, and just did what she did.

If you did not explicitly ask her to check in first, this sounds like maybe you expect other people to manage your feelings for you or mind reader you.

To me feelings ensue after action behavior or thinking behavior. If you slow all that happened down like a slow motion movie...

• She does shopping stuff for her house and got extra soap and toothbrush. It's her house and her money. Action behavior by her.
  
• Husband tells you that his host gave him a "regular guest" shelf with some toiletries. Action behavior by him.
  
• You hear this data and instead of only thinking “Oh, a guest shelf for toiletries” you seem to add more to it. You seem think “she's doing shopping for her house as a means to cowgirl him!” If so... that is thinking behavior by you that jumps to conclusions instead of keeping it at face value.

Which one is the one causing upset of your feelings? I think the last one. Triggered by the second one.

You are sensitive right now. And that is ok. But because you are sensitive you are more apt to jump to conclusions and crank your anxiety up. So you could ask husband to STOP telling you this extra, little news or non-news stuff so he's not triggering you.

You could ask him to tell you less extra details, only "big news" and you could take things more at face value. NOT jump to conclusions with it.

Later on when you are more stable in the new relationship model, you can start hearing more stuff -- big news AND little news. But leave it to "big news" for now. He could stop overloading you.

She has said she did it because she is looking for ways to show him she loves him. IMO respect of boundaries is what shows love.

Well, is she respecting his boundaries? And if not, isn't it HIS job to enforce them? Why are you getting in on it?

You don't have to do his jobs for him. He could tell her he doesn't appreciate the gesture or he likes a different brand of whatever. He can do his job. You do yours.

But i'm really hurting that she completely disregarded that it could have been a difficult one for both my husband and for me.

Your expectation is that she must consider how you feel when she does her groceries for her house? That's not reasonable. I don't think the problem is her trying to be a nice hostess for her regular guest.

I think the problem is your husband oversharing stuff. If he's upset or surprised by these purchases? Those are HIS feelings. And doing his emotional management is HIS job. Not yours.

You aren't supposed to be doing his emotional labor for him.

And today I've been messaging my husband while he's at work, trying to work through it myself, and now he's closed down because he feels like he's been caught in a hard place because in his efforts to be honest and transparent, he has inadventently shared something that's hurt me, and now my meta is hurting (apparently) because she feels like she can never do anything right.

Is this the expectation in the marriage? You do his emotional labor for him? And he's supposed to do your emotional labor for you? Which is why you expect the new GF in the network to do this too?

She's supposed to check if her grocery shopping might upset him or you in some fashion rather than just soap being soap? And if he doesn't want it she can return it or just use it herself?

I could be wrong. But to me it sounds like you are the one upsetting yourself by thinking she's cowgirling him. (anxiety trigger)

And now continuing to upset yourself because you anxiety is now doing loop-de-loos. (what about this? Then that? Then this?)

And then you ping the other people in your network. Telling him, who might be oversharing to her. (Sloppy hinge problems) Then she's upset, and he tells you she's upset. (Sloppy hinge problems again.)

Which makes like a loopdeloo murky soup -- like a domino effect thing. Everyone upset over everyone's else's stuff. Nobody being able to tell what is coming from where.

Instead of each person dealing with their OWN emotional management. Taking care not to overload sensitive people right now, and just wait this transition time out more calmly.

I get that you are upset and having a hard time adjusting to the new V thing you are particpating in. You are learning to share your spouse's time, and he's having to learn to be a better hinge and not so sloppy, and she's learning her things.

Be ok with everyone learning. You could focus on learning YOUR things.

If you want to hear less right now while sensitive? REQUEST IT. There's a difference between husband being open and transparent and being all gushing at you. Not EVERYTHING needs to be shared.

You might not want husband as hinge gushing things at you. Neither could you gush things at him. If you believe that one shows love by respecting personal boundaries -- DO IT.

How is calling him up at work respecting his boundaries? Does that allow him to focus on work or distract from work? Could this conversation wait until after work is over? It's not COMFORTABLE, but this is not an emergency sounding situation.

It's ok to ask for help. But you might have to learn to ask for help from people outside the network right now when all of you are adjusting and all of you are sensitive waiting for the "new normal" to arrive. Do not ask for too much help from each other. Some is ok, but not ALL. Overloading each other at this this time may tend to lead to "murky soup" and a sense of overwhelmed.

It's ok for new things to feel weird. The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" is not here yet. Transitions take TIME. But making it worse than it by panicking may not be helpful.

Do your best to take it easy and you weather it out. You feeling emotional weather is not a bad thing. Like your feelings are somehow bad or wrong. But you do have to weather it out if you guys want to be together like this. There's a price of admission -- getting through the transition time.


Hang in there.
Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello wunderful,

I am thinking that your meta's recent actions (buying toiletries, clearing a cupboard) would not bother you if she did not have a history of being a cowgirl. It's possible she is making cowgirl moves now. Or it's possible she's just being assertive. Or both. If I may ask ... do you trust your husband? Do you trust him to not let himself get lassoed away by a cowgirl? It really comes down to how he conducts himself, rather than how she conducts herself.

There does seem to be too much sharing going on, considering how sensitive the situation is. He's telling you everything about her, he's telling her everything about you. That's upsetting both you and her, and then of course he gets upset. Transparency is generally a good thing but in this situation, I would suggest less sharing. More compartmentalization. You over here, her over there, and very little bleed in between the two compartments. Only share emergency-level stuff, stuff like safer sex information, or scheduling stuff. In the future, more sharing may become okay. But right now, less is better.

I do think it's understandable that you feel the way you do. Your meta's recent actions could easily be interpreted as sneaky, as part of a larger master plan to lasso your husband away. The bottom line is, you can't know for sure what her true motivations are. So instead of knowing, you end up stressing out over the worst case scenario. The thing to do is to carefully analyze the situation, determine what you can do, what lies beyond your control, and what you're willing/inclined to do. Don't make any quick decisions.

I hope things will get smoother for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

IMO, she's cowgirling. She needs to be presented with this. She needs to realize she's pressuring. She needs to back the f@ck off.

And THEN the THREE OF YOU can maybe begin actually communicating rather than just flapping jaws.

 

[lunabunny]

Ordinarily, I wouldn't think this particular issue worth freaking out about. Buying a few toiletries shouldn't be a big deal.

However, given your past history with this woman having attempted to "cowgirl" your husband, as well as the fact that she'd already asked him to leave stuff at hers AND HE'D DECLINED, means that her actions here are overstepping the boundaries previously agreed to.

There's also the little matter of her buying shower gel that you two (you and hubby) use at your place. Now once again it may seem like a little matter, but in the realms of sense (smell, touch, sensuality, sex) and memory, SCENT plays a pretty large role for most people when it comes to intimacy and association.

Your husband may like and use that particular shower gel at home WITH YOU... sure. However, that is a scent-memory shared by the both of you. You may associate that smell with him coming to bed, freshly showered, just prior to making love. He may associate it with you for similar reasons.

Now it's in HER bathroom, with the intention that he'll use it to cleanse himself before/after their intimate moments(?) A little thing, perhaps, but I wouldn't like it. It's the move of a usurper... or someone who's socially out of tune.

 

[opalescent]

Was your husband bothered by her actions? You don’t mention his reactions at all.

 

[Magdlyn]

If your husband is going over there once or twice a week (overnight?), and not bringing a toothbrush, buying him a toothbrush and paste might be a subtle hint he could use a good mouth cleanse when he is her guest. Especially if they have garlicky dinners or morning kisses/sex.

Otherwise, I agree with the other emotions and mistrust management tips here.

 

[ref2018]

If your husband is going over there once or twice a week (overnight?), and not bringing a toothbrush, buying him a toothbrush and paste might be a subtle hint he could use a good mouth cleanse when he is her guest. Especially if they have garlicky dinners or morning kisses/sex.

Otherwise, I agree with the other emotions and mistrust management tips here.

My friend started using *my* toothbrush when he started staying over here (he has MS and lives here now, but used to hang out here a lot so we figured he might as well move in and pay rent here), and even though we don't kiss, we do share joints, so it wasn't that big a deal in terms of "cooties", but I don't use toothpaste, and I hate the taste of it on my brush, so I just let him have it and opened a new one for myself. Gross, huh? LOL. Now he has his own electric one here. He also has his own hairbrush, but continues to use mine. It's ok, I'm "borrowing" his deodorant and not telling him. But that is another story for another thread.