Mono boyfriend having trouble coping

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Geekymountainman

New member
Hi all. I’ll do my best to give a brief and simple summary of the situation I and my girlfriend are in. We’re each 26, we’ve been dating for almost five years now but we’ve known each other almost our entire lives. Some things about me: I’m Mono, and she is my only every partner. She has had a number of partners and has never made any secret of identifying as polyamorous and bisexual. However, due to some deeply personal developmental issues with sex and relationships on my end, we haven’t engaged in her being actively polyamorous while we’ve been together until fairly recently when we both felt comfortable enough in our own relationship to try it out. About a year ago she was seeing another woman and her partner for a few months until things gradually faded out. It was extremely bumpy, but I like to think we both did a pretty good job at our first run of things. We’ve always been great about communication; we’re open and honest with each other about everything and we know we can trust each other with anything. As such, she did a phenomenal job explaining her view of polyamory to me, making sure I felt safe. From day one she’s been great about making sure I understand things as a mono person from her viewpoint as a poly person. In turn, I’m trying my best to learn more, and try to love this part of the girl that I love. Which is what brings me here, because I want to do better at this for both our sakes. And I could really use some help and advice.

So my girlfriend has being seeing another girl for a little while now. A few dates, a few nights over. We’re extremely busy with work and planning a big move for her to go to grad school, so opportunities for them to spend time together are a bit sparse. In our past go at this as well as now, if she’s just grabbing lunch or meeting up with her or something, then I’m fine. Happy for her even, or even if I’m not doing so good I try to be. It’s the more, I guess you could say the more intense stuff that I have a lot of trouble coping with.

When she’s gone on date nights, I just don’t handle it well. Even though we’ve gotten into a good habit of sending each other a few texts every so often so I don’t feel like I’m in the dark. Well send each other messages checking in, making sure she got there safe, maybe a cute picture of the girls’ cats, and so on. But pretty much without exception on these occasions my logical brain just seems to go away and I end up a mess, to put it mildly. I described it to her as ‘clenching up.’ I get so anxious and worried and overwhelmed with negative emotions that I just kind of panic and turtle up on myself emotionally. I’m lethargic, rarely moving far from my bed. I’m irrationally angry, getting overly annoyed or set off at the slightest thing. And most of all I get just stupidly anxious; obsessed with thinking about what she’s doing, what they will do?

Is she okay? Is she thinking about me? Should she be? Maybe I’m being a selfish ass thinking about that while she’s trying to enjoy her time with someone else? Do I not take her on enough special dates? Can I go and do this thing they’re doing with her in the future or is that ‘their thing’ now? Oh god I’m going to have to interact with her girlfriend in the near future aren’t I? How do I feel about that? I haven’t heard from her in a while, maybe she’s done talking to me for the night? Guess I’ll just wait to see if she texts me again. It’s late, are they having sex? Do I even want to know? I’m picturing it in my head and it’s making me squirm. God I hate this. She’s offered to tell me details if I ask, she said they’re both okay with it, but will that make things better or worse? How can I begin to answer that question? How do I even talk to her tomorrow?

You get the idea.

My freaking out like this usually abates a day or two after she’s come home and we’ve talked (though I’m often still so closed up I don’t talk much apart from frantic outbursts of, “I’m fine! Really! It’s fine! I’m fine!”). We have a good habit of going out to get breakfast at our favorite place after any big date nights to kind of debrief and talk and ask questions in a neutral setting where we both feel safe. That helps me feel better, it doesn’t help solve the problem that I do this every single time. The fact of the matter is me doing this scares and hurts her, quite understandably so. And that, in turn, makes me feel worse. Knowing my reaction is causing her panic and distress sucks and I hate it all the more.
All of this is still so, so confusing for me. But one thing I am absolutely not confused about is the fact that I do not want my poor coping skills to cause her any more pain or anxiety. I want to work on this and I want to do better.

So I’m wondering if I may not be the only mono partner who has dealt with this kind of thing? On the odd chance that I am, I’d still appreciate all the advice that I can get. I love her a lot, and I need to do a better job of getting over myself and accepting this as a part of my life with her now.
I’ve tried working on job stuff, engaging in personal hobbies like painting and drawing, talking with friends and family, playing video games a bit, but everything is temporary and only seems to slightly delay my inevitable decent into panic and fear. I don’t want to do that any more. I want to focus on being supportive and happy for her and eager to hear all about her time with someone who she enjoys spending time with.
Again I appreciate any and all help I can get. I really want to make this work.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
 
Geekymountainman said:
I want to focus on being supportive and happy for her and eager to hear all about her time with someone who she enjoys spending time with.
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Its' not mandatory, and in fact is rare, that the partner in your position be eager to hear all about dates with other partners. Good poly means that everyone is on board with the situation, not that everyone is eager to hear about every detail. You absolutely do not need to make yourself into someone you're not. Being OK with her having a girlfriend does not mean that you have to somehow make yourself fine with hearing all about this person. It's actually quite healthy for you to have boundaries. If your GF wants two relationships, that is her choice, but as a monogamous person (and even if you were a poly person) you need not have two relationships as well. Spend some time reading and participating here. You'll discover that some long time poly people have no overlap at all among the partners. That is not required in order for you to be a good boyfriend. Jumping from the anxiety of where you are to "eager to hear all about her time with someone who she enjoys spending time with" is like aspiring to leap the Empire State building. It's highly unlikely that you'll get there and there's little point to even doing it.
 
Re (from Geekymountainman):
"Is she okay? Is she thinking about me? Should she be? Maybe I'm being a selfish ass thinking about that while she's trying to enjoy her time with someone else? Do I not take her on enough special dates? Can I go and do this thing they're doing with her in the future or is that 'their thing' now? Oh god I'm going to have to interact with her girlfriend in the near future aren't I? How do I feel about that? I haven't heard from her in a while, maybe she's done talking to me for the night? Guess I'll just wait to see if she texts me again. It's late, are they having sex? Do I even want to know? I'm picturing it in my head and it's making me squirm. God I hate this. She's offered to tell me details if I ask, she said they're both okay with it, but will that make things better or worse? How can I begin to answer that question? How do I even talk to her tomorrow?"
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If you haven't done so already, I would advise you to inform her that these are some of the questions you ask yourself during her date nights. Telling her, "I'm fine! Really! It's fine! I'm fine!" only makes things worse, for both you and her. It's better for her to know the truth. Also, the questions you're asking yourself (in the paragraph above) are actually very valid and good questions that would be excellent for you and her to discuss. I think you are being too hard on yourself. It is not easy to be the mono in a mono/poly relationship. It's even possible that you might not ever be able to cope better, if you are hardwired for exclusive monogamy, and you may be, it is not a terrible thing to be. If you can cope better, it will probably take you awhile to get there. You will have to suffer through more of those episodes, I'm sorry to have to tell you that. :(

Here are some mono/poly links that may help you:

Also if you'll continue to talk about your situation on this thread, we will continue to discuss it with you. Hearing the thoughts and opinions of experienced polys (and hopefully some monos will chime in too) will help you sort out your thoughts, and inch toward the better coping you are hoping to achieve. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Its' not mandatory, and in fact is rare, that the partner in your position be eager to hear all about dates with other partners. Good poly means that everyone is on board with the situation, not that everyone is eager to hear about every detail. You absolutely do not need to make yourself into someone you're not. Being OK with her having a girlfriend does not mean that you have to somehow make yourself fine with hearing all about this person. It's actually quite healthy for you to have boundaries. If your GF wants two relationships, that is her choice, but as a monogamous person (and even if you were a poly person) you need not have two relationships as well. Spend some time reading and participating here. You'll discover that some long time poly people have no overlap at all among the partners. That is not required in order for you to be a good boyfriend. Jumping from the anxiety of where you are to "eager to hear all about her time with someone who she enjoys spending time with" is like aspiring to leap the Empire State building. It's highly unlikely that you'll get there and there's little point to even doing it.
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This is, if my wall of text wasn’t obvious, a bit of a sticking point for me. To perhaps be a little more clear, this isn’t entirely motivated by any desire on behalf of either one of us for me to explicitly be hanging on baited breath, happy and eager to hear *all* the details.

On the one hand, she’s told me that me seeming interested in knowing what she’s been up to, how things went, what they did, if she had fun, etc. makes her feel safer. It makes her feel like I’m happy for her, which I genuinely do want to be. But sometimes asking questions covering details both casual and intimate can often make me very very uncomfortable.
On the other hand, and here’s the kicker, not knowing anything at all is worse. It’s far, far worse for me. My imagination runs rampant and has a nasty little habit of heading full speed towards the worst possible hypothetical scenarios it can conjure up.
I’m am unfortunately stuck between a rock and a hard place in this regard.
So, as it stands in my head now, learning to maybe get in the habit of inquiring about enough details to make me feel safe and her feel at ease without freaking out or closing up seems like the preferable alternative to imagining up my own radical scenarios when left in willful ignorance.
So to roll with your particularly good metaphor; maybe I don’t necessarily need to vault over the Empire State Building but perhaps a little exercise couldn’t hurt.

kdt26417 said:
Re (from Geekymountainman):


If you haven't done so already, I would advise you to inform her that these are some of the questions you ask yourself during her date nights. Telling her, "I'm fine! Really! It's fine! I'm fine!" only makes things worse, for both you and her. It's better for her to know the truth. Also, the questions you're asking yourself (in the paragraph above) are actually very valid and good questions that would be excellent for you and her to discuss. I think you are being too hard on yourself. It is not easy to be the mono in a mono/poly relationship. It's even possible that you might not ever be able to cope better, if you are hardwired for exclusive monogamy, and you may be, it is not a terrible thing to be. If you can cope better, it will probably take you awhile to get there. You will have to suffer through more of those episodes, I'm sorry to have to tell you that. :(

Here are some mono/poly links that may help you:

Also if you'll continue to talk about your situation on this thread, we will continue to discuss it with you. Hearing the thoughts and opinions of experienced polys (and hopefully some monos will chime in too) will help you sort out your thoughts, and inch toward the better coping you are hoping to achieve. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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I’m proud to say that on the communication front, we’re pretty damn solid. As I said, it can be extremely difficult for me to bring these things up. Especially if I’m in a locked down and closed off state. She’s compared trying to talk to me about things during these times as trying to pull fingernails. Sometimes I won’t speak at all for long stretches of time, sometimes I’ll talk but it’s in hesitant, halting words and I have a lot of difficulty looking her in the eyes. But as difficult as it can be, we do talk about it. The wording may not be the same but she knows just about everything that I’ve included in my original post. I just feel like I could be doing more on my own end to help make this better. It sometimes feels like she’s doing this awesome job of trying to prepare me and explain things to me and work with me and then I feel like I’m just this passive tag along not pulling his weight. So this here is me trying to rectify that.
I honestly really appreciate the sentiment that this isn’t really supposed to be easy for me. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing her and our relationship because I’m taking this so hard for so long. You’re likely correct in the assumption that the road to better coping could be a long one. But what’s important to me right now is this I try and take the first steps in that direction, even if there’s many many more to follow.
Thank you for the links! Can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. They all sound perfect and I fully intend to pour over them and gather as much advice and know-how from them as I can.
And I do fully intend to participate more in this thread (so to anyone else who’s kind enough to take the time to read, please feel free to contribute any advice and ask any questions!) and on these forums. I can’t imagine it’ll do anything but help to get more involved take more incentive to actively learn more and participate. Thanks again.
 
I totally agree that it isn't always easy for everyone.

So many poly people talk about compersion as if it comes to everyone naturally, and poly is wrong for you if it doesn't.

I am happy when my partners go on dates, when they are happy. But I don't really feel compersion about it. It's more lie "neat, you had a great time eating that ice cream!"

I'm also naturally very curious, so I've had to really work on just...asking how it went and if they had fun and leave it more at that. Because, honestly, getting more detail doesn't make me feel compersion; if I'm having a bad mental health day it doesn't help anything. So, that was a very hard learning curve

You've got this!
 
Want to wish you a lot of wisdom luck and love with your girlfriend. I hope for you both it works out OK.

Being bisexual my self I can understand her struggle with her sexuality.
Being bi looks fun from the outside but besides dating its more of a handicap, you have to make more desisions than the partner you choose. Think starting a family telling your date up front and he her not being OK with it.
When mono its for the rest of you're life you'll be missing the other sex.

When you are OK with her dating girls it can really help her.
There are other things that bind you and her together than sexuality.

Stay supportive it worked in my relationship p being heterosexual always suppored me in my struggle.
And I have never expected it to work out the way it did.
Give her time and support. And try not to act jealous.

Lots of luck
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong in my impression. But you seem to want to be here and you seem to want to be in a poly thing as a mono person. And your partner sounds supportive. So this is about you learning to share her time and attention with other partners not just in theory but in real life.

Part of your nerves might be that she's been the first GF ever.

Part of them might be from being in a poly model.

Part of them might be from your own personality -- like maybe you are a worrier type.

I’ve tried working on job stuff, engaging in personal hobbies like painting and drawing, talking with friends and family, playing video games a bit, but everything is temporary and only seems to slightly delay my inevitable decent into panic and fear.
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When you tell yourself this is "inevitable" where is the space for you to grow out of this kind of response/reaction? :confused: Could tell yourself "this is hard for me right now" which acknowledges that it is hard while still allowing space for change later. Like it might be easier for you to cope with later on. "Inevitable" means forever doom stuck . Why tell yourself that? :(

What are you fearful OF? You don't actually say.

I described it to her as ‘clenching up.’ I get so anxious and worried and overwhelmed with negative emotions that I just kind of panic and turtle up on myself emotionally.
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Worried about WHAT? What ARE the negative emotions?

  • Fearful that she's going to dump you for the new person?
  • Worried that you can't compete at a lover with the new person?
  • Worried that you are not enough for her?

What are you actually saying to yourself in your thoughts that leads to the panic feelings?

And most of all I get just stupidly anxious; obsessed with thinking about what she’s doing, what they will do?
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Is she okay? Is she thinking about me? Should she be? Maybe I’m being a selfish ass thinking about that while she’s trying to enjoy her time with someone else?
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In the meanwhile, could you be willing to stop doing "down talk" to yourself like you are your own self bully?

Can't you just be feeling anxious? Rather than feeling anxious AND calling yourself stupid?

Like single load is hard enough. Why make it a double load? :confused:

You sound all tangled up. Maybe taking it in baby steps could help? I would guess noticing when you talk down to yourself might be a place to start.

Especially if I’m in a locked down and closed off state. She’s compared trying to talk to me about things during these times as trying to pull fingernails. Sometimes I won’t speak at all for long stretches of time, sometimes I’ll talk but it’s in hesitant, halting words and I have a lot of difficulty looking her in the eyes.
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Then why talk about it right THEN? Why not rest? Talk later? I can't imagine you both want it to become "anxiety circle. " One gets anxious, then the other notices and gets anxious and it becomes some feedback loop thing. Whereas talking right away may keep the anxiety thing going. Like MUST TALK NOW! AAAH!

But take a step back to ask -- Why? Why talk now? Where is doom?

Knowing that the other one is still there to talk to after a rest? Might make it easier to talk AND reassure each that the other one isn't going anywhere. Still present. Still here.

I just feel like I could be doing more on my own end to help make this better. It sometimes feels like she’s doing this awesome job of trying to prepare me and explain things to me and work with me and then I feel like I’m just this passive tag along not pulling his weight. So this here is me trying to rectify that.
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It may sound persnickety but stop using "feel" for "think." If you are in cloudy fog head space, being more strict may help you. It then becomes

I just THINK I could be doing more on my own end to help make this better. I sometimes THINK she’s doing this awesome job of trying to prepare me and explain things to me and work with me. Then I THINK I’m just this passive tag along not pulling his weight. So this here is me trying to rectify that.
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You are doing what you can. You aren't passive. You are thinking and posting and trying. So why are you trying to be like Superman or Wonder Woman rather than a human being in progress?

I honestly really appreciate the sentiment that this isn’t really supposed to be easy for me. Sometimes I THINK I’m failing her and our relationship because I’m taking this so hard for so long.
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You never dated anyone seriously before her. It's been only her for the last 5 years. And now you are doing a poly model. So how much time did you think it would take for you to adjust? Are your expectations of YOURSELF realistic?

You are not ok being a person in progress and taking the time to you need to learn skills? You seem to want to get there. She seems supportive. So what's the deal? Where's the fire? Where's the hurry to get through this patch? Is it that you dislike sitting with uncomfortable emotions? Isn't that the lesson being learned? Learning to expand your coping-ness?

Growth happens on the outside of the previous comfort zone. If you stay inside your comfort zone, you don't get to grow beyond that.

Neither do you want to take on more challenge than you can chew. Like super uncomfortable uncomfortable . So aim for comfortable uncomfortable while growing. What's that look like for you? Are you in that zone or not?

You’re likely correct in the assumption that the road to better coping could be a long one. But what’s important to me right now is this I try and take the first steps in that direction, even if there’s many many more to follow.
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You ARE taking the first steps.

Just could stop beating yourself up about some it. Even before dating her, were you a "down talk kinda of person? :confused:

On the one hand, she’s told me that me seeming interested in knowing what she’s been up to, how things went, what they did, if she had fun, etc. makes her feel safer. It makes her feel like I’m happy for her, which I genuinely do want to be. But sometimes asking questions covering details both casual and intimate can often make me very very uncomfortable.
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So figure out the TMI line. Today, you can hear up to this point X. In the future, you can maybe become able to hear more. But for now only up to X. Then she gets to share, you get hear some in a size you can deal with.

Galagirl
 
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Re (from Geekymountainman):
"She's told me that me seeming interested in knowing what she's been up to, how things went, what they did, if she had fun, etc., makes her feel safer. It makes her feel like I'm happy for her, which I genuinely do want to be. But sometimes asking questions covering details both casual and intimate can often make me very very uncomfortable."
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Rather than seeming interested, and making her feel like you're happy for her, I would suggest that you be very honest with her, at all times. Even if she doesn't feel as safe, I see increased problems brewing down the road if you try to act like all is well when all is not well. If there's ever a time when you're not interested, when you're not happy for her, try to say it like that: "I'm sorry honey, but right now I would rather not hear any details, and I can't be happy for you right now because I'm really struggling within myself."

Sometimes it hurts to hear the truth, and sometimes it's scary to hear the truth. But if she doesn't hear the truth, she will operate on false assumptions, and that will lead to both of you being hurt and scared (worse than you are). She will start eagerly sharing details when you aren't in a frame of mind to hear them; you will get more and more stressed-out as you hear more and more details, you will try to act like everything is fine, but eventually the lid will blow off the pressure cooker, the truth will come out all at once, and both of you will end up feeling awful. It's better if she hears the truth a little at a time as it happens. Then you can both address reality.

Re:
"It can be extremely difficult for me to bring these things up. Especially if I'm in a locked-down and closed-off state. She's compared trying to talk to me about things during these times as trying to pull fingernails. Sometimes I won't speak at all for long stretches of time, sometimes I'll talk but it's in hesitant, halting words and I have a lot of difficulty looking her in the eyes."
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I suggest you not try to bring things up when you're in a locked-down and closed-off state. Tell her you need some time: "I'm sorry dear, I am in a locked-down and closed-off state right now, I need some time to calm down before I can talk." It is in her own best interest to let you wait to talk until you're ready, otherwise you get more and more stressed-out as you try to force yourself to talk when you're not ready, and try as you might to act like everything is fine, she will be able to see that everything is not fine, even if she tries to pretend otherwise, and then maybe the lid blows off the pressure cooker for both of you.

If you need to refrain from speaking for a long time, do it. If you need to refrain from looking her in the eye, do it. Look her in the eye later, when you are able to do so without extreme difficulty. You do not need to be "okay" for her at all times. She needs to discover that giving you the time you need will result in a much more productive conversation later on. Also she needs to realize that you giving consent, as a mono, for her to be poly, is extremely generous on your part. Expecting that you should also be happy and comfortable, this early in the game, would be unrealistic and uncool.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts and suggestions. I hope I'm not coming across as pushy or critical. I truly believe that you deserve a lot more credit for the valiant efforts you are making to be okay with poly. Not every mono could make such efforts.

Much regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you again to everyone who’s taken the time to read and reply.

It’s been a whirlwind of a last few days, lots going on, lots to deal with, lots to learn on both sides.

What I get into here is by necessity pretty lengthy, just a warning in advance for my wall of text.

I once again spent the better part of a day and night in what can essentially be described as an emotional coma triggered by some comments that were made, some situations that arose, and the fear of how this will impact some things in the future. Fortunately I did recover. I’m not sure if any other mono partners have experiences this extreme but my mood swings are *real.* And this one was particularly nasty. When I was able to shake it off, I described it to my girlfriend as feeling like I was rising up out of this thick fog and suddenly it’s like I’m actually able to see things clearly and think again. The core problems and issues remain, but I can approach them from a non-disaster standpoint. I thanked her profusely for supporting me while I was down, I know it’s not any easier on her end. And I wanted to try and capitalize on my improved mood and mental and emotional clarity. We went out and got some over-indulgent lunch food and talked once again.
It was a good talk. We were able to focus on talking a lot of issues frankly, without fear of either of us (namely me) freaking out and shutting down.
Basically the conclusion we came to was that this situation is complicated and it’s not easy.

Now, I’m perfectly aware that such a description likely applies to most, if not all, couples in similar circumstances. Be they ploy/mono, poly all around, or whatever unique thing they happen to be.
If anyone cares to bare with me here, I’ll try and go a little more in-depth about why this particular scenario is proving so taxing. It falls largely into two factors, which lead into each other.

The first factor being my own... complicated history with intimacy, relationships, and sex. I’ve had sexual anorexia/sexual aversion disorder since I was, well, frankly too young to have any real grasp on what any of what I was feeling meant. If you’re unfamiliar with the terms, I’ll spare any lengthy and gritty details and summarize by saying that I was at odds with my sexuality pretty much most of my life. Not just my sexuality as in my orientation or my kinks, I had no end of hang ups there as well, but I hated just having a sex drive in general and experiencing sexual attraction at *all.* There was no trauma or inciting incident, no overtly strict upbringing or anything like that, that’s just the way I’ve always been. This is the reason I had never dated before, I never tried to interact with other people that way, in fact I actively avoided it. No parties, no prom, no nothing. About a year out of high school it all got to be too much and I was fortunate enough to be able to go to therapy. Through trial and a ton of effort I started taking steps towards, well, maybe not full on and outright embracing and loving my sexuality, but at the very least not being as afraid of it and not punishing myself for experiencing it. It was about this same time when I met up with my girlfriend. She is almost my exact opposite in that, since she was quite young, she’s seen her sexual self as something to be proud of, to be embraced and explored and never ashamed of. It was that polarization of experiences and viewpoints that had us both finding each other so interesting. So we ended up spending a lot of time together, I had my first sexual experiences with her, slam the fast forward button a few times and wham. She’s my best friend, we’re moving in together in a few months, and we constantly joke that the only reason we aren’t married yet is because we’re so broke. Needless to say, we’re a pretty solid couple.

The second big factor is the circumstances under which my girlfriend and this new girl met, or rather, how we all three met. So, my comfort level with my own sexuality is a far cry from what it was years ago. I feel comfortable and confident when my girlfriend and I are together and we’re regularly open and honest about kinks, interests, fantasies, etc. So a good few months back, we were feeling good, feeling confident, we got our collective courage up and just for the hell of it we signed up to meet with a local kink group our age. It went super well and we even got enough of a confidence boost to try going to a kink party the following month. This ended up being an overall very positive experience for us both. We didn’t really interact so much but we had a good time, met some fun people, and felt more confident about ourselves. So much so that we ended up going back to the same event over the subsequent few months. Steady trying to dip our toes in the water, so to speak. And a few months ago this is were we met my girlfriend’s new girlfriend, who for simplicities sake I will refer to from here on out as ‘B.’ B was super nice, super fun, and super helpful in showing us around and helping us acclimatize. It got to a certain point where we were actually doing some... stuff with B. She was extremely respectful and insisted we all sit down beforehand and talk about ground rules, fears, expectations, that kind of thing. A few core rules we all agreed on were; that we wouldn’t do anything that made me uncomfortable, that I’d speak up if I felt uncomfortable, and that our interactions wouldn’t extend outside these monthly get-togethers. That last one, if you couldn’t already tell, kinda becomes important.
Because about a week later, my girlfriend informs me that she’d very much like to hang out with B, maybe go to an amusement park. I was a little apprehensive, but I figured why not. Neither of us has a particularly large social circle and I thought it was nice for her to have a new friend she got along with. So out they went, they had a good time, no big deal.
Until the next day when I went to go and see my girlfriend. That’s when I was informed that things were probably going to change.
Look, I honestly did not handle this bit well, to put it mildly. So I’m going to do my best here to detach myself from any lingering negative emotions and try to state what happened in the most objective way possible.
We were just kinda catching up about how her day went, what happened, if she had a good time, if she got sunburnt, etc. After we had kinda wrapped up that conversation, my girlfriend got very quiet and nervously asked me if there was anything else I wanted to ask her about. I got a sinking feeling in my gut and said no, but what should I be asking about. Which is when she told me that after the park, her and B had gone to a little cafe and discussed their feelings at length and had concluded that both of them felt quite strongly about the other and that they’d very much like to try dating. B apparently was extremely apprehensive about my reaction to this, and wanted to make sure my girlfriend discussed it with me first before they did anything. I, again to put it mildly, did not take the news well. Frankly I freaked out, causing both my girlfriend and myself a huge deal of distress. And I ended up needing to leave and I went and just kinda wandered aimlessly around the woods for a few hours. Several hours and many tense words later we were able to met back up and talk things over more rationally, the both of us being emotionally spent. I felt awful because I felt powerless and disregarded. She felt awful because she felt like she had failed to communicate with my properly and because she felt like her being herself was causing me pain. We talked, we talked a lot. We sat down and went over what we felt worked and didn’t work from the last time we tried this, tweaked a few rules, added a few new ones, and decided to soldier forward.

Which brings us all to my post here and to where we are now.

I’ve been doing better thanks to improved communication with her and to a more active role on my part in trying to be more involved and educate myself in polyamory and poly/mono relationships. I’ve been doing better, not doing perfectly. I’m still having some bad moments and dark thoughts particularly while she’s away. Now my big cause of anxiety is meeting and interacting with B, something I have not done since the last party we went to almost three months ago. I know people on here have advised me that I don’t *have* to have a relationship, or even interact with, my girlfriend’s other partners. But that’s just not going to be an option for me. We’re both anxious about going to the next party, if we even decide we want to go at all and face the inevitable awkwardness. And even if we don’t, my girlfriend has a small concert next week that she’s very much like both myself and B to attend. So I’ll be meeting her again, one way or another. And I have no idea how I’m going to handle that. Right now I’m just going to try and get by with not losing my cool and ruining my girlfriend’s big night. But like what do I say? ‘Hey, remember me? How’s it been going dating and sleeping with my girlfriend?’ Agh. A huge cause of anxiety and worry in my girlfriend’s part that she has said she gets the impression that I actively dislike B, that I’m resentful of her, or things like that. It’s not so much that I dislike her, it’s more like now I’m scared of her, scared of interacting with her. Because it’s just all so complicated and messy.

Anyway that’s about all the exposition I have in me at the moment. If you have somehow taken the time to read my wall of text, I truly do appreciate it. As I said, I know anyone can say ‘it’s complicated.’ But I figured that as I’m looking for advice, it couldn’t hurt to try and give any potential advice-givers a better and fuller picture of exactly what our situation is.
 
Hi GMM,

That was an excellent post; definitely gives me a better idea of what's happening and why. It sounds like you're doing better on communicating with your girlfriend, and on waiting to communicate until you *can* communicate, effectively.

I wonder if your sexual anorexia is in some way feeding into your anxiety about B? Like, maybe on some level you fear that B makes a better sexual partner for your girlfriend if B does not have a history of sexual anorexia, maybe B is better at being eager to have sex? Sure you've done a lot of work on your sexual anorexia, but maybe there's a little lingering self-doubt still remaining.

Re:
"A few core rules we all agreed on were: that we wouldn't do anything that made me uncomfortable, that I'd speak up if I felt uncomfortable, and that our interactions wouldn't extend outside these monthly get-togethers."
Click to expand...

In other words, what you signed up for is not what ended up happening. Things definitely extend outside the monthly get-togethers, and you feel extremely uncomfortable. Perhaps you even feel like you can't talk about your discomfort, after your initial freakout when you found out your girlfriend was going to date B, like maybe since then you wonder if you can trust yourself to keep your cool, and/or maybe your girlfriend doesn't completely trust you in that way either. Another thing I wonder is if maybe way deep down, you feel a little bit of a sense of betrayal about things turning out not at all as what you signed up for. You even reluctantly said okay to your girlfriend going out with B to an amusement park, against your better judgment, and now you know why you were apprehensive. Do you wonder if maybe if you had said "No" to the amusement park, things wouldn't have escalated to your girlfriend dating B?

I think you (deep down) feel betrayed by your girlfriend, and perhaps more significantly, you feel betrayed by B. You certainly didn't feel that way the last time you were in B's presence, so the next time you are in B's presence there will be a whole different feeling about how you feel about B. Of course you are nervous about meeting up with B again. On some level you may even worry a little that you won't be able to keep your cool around her. You do not want to feel betrayed, but you do feel betrayed. Anyone would if they were in your shoes.

Re:
"She felt awful because she felt like she had failed to communicate with me properly ..."
Click to expand...

I wonder if she got it into her mind that if she just broke it to you the "right" way, you wouldn't feel betrayed. Like it was all in the delivery, rather than in what was being delivered. Like she wasn't really betraying you, you were just feeling that way because she "communicated it wrong." Wrong communication is a lesser sin than is betraying your boyfriend, isn't it? She betrayed you. That's all there is to it. She betrayed you, and B betrayed you. They did not keep their word and adhere to the core rules you all agreed on. They did not limit their activities to things you could feel comfortable about. They did not limit their interactions to the monthly get-togethers. They changed the rules on you, and expected you to be okay with that. Or maybe on some level they knew you wouldn't be okay with that. Who would be?

If B can break your trust in one way, who's to say what she's capable of in the future? Can you trust her to not steal your girlfriend? She's already halfway there. And what could you do to stop her? Your girlfriend has already demonstrated half a willingness to be stolen. Is it any wonder you've felt powerless and disregarded?

I apologize if I have spoken overly harshly about your girlfriend and B. I did not mean to put them down. They have only acted on their feelings, they cannot help how they feel. But you have your feelings too, and you must deal with those feelings exactly as they are, not as we may wish they were. With the agonizing episodes you are having when your girlfriend is with B, there's got to be some feelings that are buried way deep down inside. I am hoping to do some digging here, to get to the bottom of those feelings. Once you can give those feelings a voice, then you can begin to process them.

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for more info.

So you all made this agreement.

A few core rules we all agreed on were; that we wouldn’t do anything that made me uncomfortable, that I’d speak up if I felt uncomfortable, and that our interactions wouldn’t extend outside these monthly get-togethers.
Click to expand...

Then a week later, they want to change the agreement so they can date each other.


That’s when I was informed that things were probably going to change.
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I'm not clear on that part. Is this your GF telling you things are gonna change? Not asking if you are up for renegotiating agreements? Just GF making a unilateral decision and you are supposed to just lump it? :confused:

Is that how it came about? If so, I can understand you wigging out.

I felt awful because I felt powerless and disregarded.
Click to expand...

Well, if she made a unilateral decision then yeah. You were not considered.

She felt awful because she felt like she had failed to communicate with my properly and because she felt like her being herself was causing me pain.
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Well, hopefully she realizes not to make unilateral decisions like that again. Improves her communication.

On your end? You DID keep the agreement. You wigged out. That's basically communicating you are NOT ok with things. Could maybe have expressed it better, but wigging out is not a joyful "yes."

I’ve been doing better thanks to improved communication with her and to a more active role on my part in trying to be more involved and educate myself in polyamory and poly/mono relationships. I’ve been doing better, not doing perfectly.
Click to expand...

I think you could all slow it down. You seem to keep changing models in a very short time frame.

From monogamy to open to kink parties to piling on poly dating... It's a lot of changes at one time. Not much rest in between things.

I’m still having some bad moments and dark thoughts particularly while she’s away. Now my big cause of anxiety is meeting and interacting with B, something I have not done since the last party we went to almost three months ago. I know people on here have advised me that I don’t *have* to have a relationship, or even interact with, my girlfriend’s other partners. But that’s just not going to be an option for me.
Click to expand...

Why not? You could decide skip this next kink party. Wait til next month's. That's not saying you will NEVER be at the same party as B... but it's ok to give the first one after this upset a miss to attend to your own calming down/self care.

Have you considered returning to therapy to get more support?

We’re both anxious about going to the next party, if we even decide we want to go at all and face the inevitable awkwardness. And even if we don’t, my girlfriend has a small concert next week that she’s very much like both myself and B to attend.
Click to expand...

Sometimes what your GF wants? Isn't going to line up with what you need. SO if you NEED to take some time off to have a week or so with NO more new stuff coming at you? Take it. REST. Do not attend either party nor concert.

So I’ll be meeting her again, one way or another. And I have no idea how I’m going to handle that. Right now I’m just going to try and get by with not losing my cool and ruining my girlfriend’s big night.
Click to expand...

That can be accomplished by staying home. Or telling GF you are willing to go to concert but not with B around because you need some space from that for a bit. Speak your truth.

But like what do I say? ‘Hey, remember me? How’s it been going dating and sleeping with my girlfriend?’ Agh. A huge cause of anxiety and worry in my girlfriend’s part that she has said she gets the impression that I actively dislike B, that I’m resentful of her, or things like that. It’s not so much that I dislike her, it’s more like now I’m scared of her, scared of interacting with her. Because it’s just all so complicated and messy.
Click to expand...

If/when you decided to meet up with B to talk about changes... you know it can be NOT at a party, right?

It can be a a lower stress/lower key environment without too many other people around. How about a bookstore coffee shop? A park?

And you can just say "Hi. I wanted to talk about you dating GF. I'm willing to for you both to explore that. What I need is clear agreements that don't get changed a week later. I need something more solid. I need ______." and you state what you need.

If you can all be ok with a new agreement? Great. Carry on.

If not? Renegotiate. Or maybe agree to a trial run for X months, then reassess if still worth it.

If totally incompatible? Decline to participate in this new iteration. Bow out.

Keep it simpler on yourself.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for giving us more info! It's really helpful. I'm sorry that some of the things said hurt you.

Also, I want to say that I do agree with the other posts by GalaGirl and Kevin. They're both very level headed and give great advice.

Geekymountainman said:
I’ve had sexual anorexia/sexual aversion disorder
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I definitely agree that this could be part of why you get so anxious; when we fear that we are going to be 'replaced' in some way (a normal thing for humans, especially those with anxiety)

.... and that our interactions wouldn’t extend outside these monthly get-togethers. Because about a week later, my girlfriend informs me that she’d very much like to hang out with B...
That’s when I was informed that things were probably going to change.
Click to expand...

I can really see why this is a massive sticking point for oyu, because it would for me too.
Not only does this mean that they have been having at least text interactions outside of the once a month 'dates', but now, ONLY a week after agreeing to something, they just want to change it? That's not really kosher to me. As well as the fact I really feel like your girlfriend should have discussed her feelings for B with you first, so you could make a more informed decision about the amusment park date; talk more about boundaries, give you time to think on it; then you could have, as I said before, made a really informed choice and it may have given you less of a shock in processing.

Both of them did break your trust at the verry least, and that is going to HURT. Having trust broken not only shakes our trust in the other person/people, but our trust of ourselves.

Now my big cause of anxiety is meeting and interacting with B, something I have not done since the last party we went to almost three months ago. I know people on here have advised me that I don’t *have* to have a relationship, or even interact with, my girlfriend’s other partners.
Click to expand...

With my one meta, my B and I have an agreement; I don't like J. At all. So, all I care to know about her is if she is coming over, or if B is going out on a date. Which, we all have a whole "I'm on a date with X" thing. Otherwise it's pure DADT about anything to do with her.
I've agreed to do things like HIS birthday, or eat dinner together if she's over for dinner, together but ONLY if I want to that day. Otherwise, I can just not. That's it. I'll be polite and nice and civil; but literally that's it. And, if she says something rude to me or about my dog in my house, everyone knows I'll politely hand her her ass on a silver platter. This is our new agreement on her. If I never ever see her, I never ever see her.

Believe me when I say, this isn't my ideal relationship structure with a meta. I want to get along with my metas! But, for some people you just have to have the bare minimum contact. And quite honestly, your girlfriend should respect that.

As for the concert, I'd just go with a "hi" ad maybe a "how are you?" and just leave it at that. Be polite, but you really don't have to do more than that. Use it as a trial for how much contact you want to have with B. By saying "okay" to them dating, and changing the rules of engagement, then you definitely get to also say "hey, this is where I am and how I feel. At least right now I don't want to hang out with B"

It will probably feel awkward. B still needs to make amends for breaking your trust! And even then, there is going to be a relationship change. Honestly, disliking her would be normal; being anxious about her is normal too. Being anxious for how you'll react is normal.

I have anxiety; what I find soothing is planing out my interactions in my head. "what will I say if they say X, what about if they say Y? How will I keep my cool?" and really almost, rehearse, my actions and reactions.

Lots of love,

El
 
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