'Mono' Boyfriend is picky about my poly choices

T

teanorr

New member
Hi there,

My name is Tea, new to the forum. I have been frustrated over this for months now and am turning to seeking advice because, quite frankly I am not sure what to do. I am inexperienced with dating 'Mono' people whilst being poly. I put it in quotes because my boyfriend isn't quite mono, but he says he is.

Here is the situation: I am boyfriend's second serious girlfriend. His only other one was during Highschool. We have been together almost two years now, and in the course of this it has been made known that A. I have a preference for girls, but I do like guys, which is obvious since I am dating him and B. I do not mind things like threesomes and external sexual relationships if he wanted to.

He says he would be uncomfortable having sex with someone else if I wasn't there (like a threesome) and I reassure him I really don't mind. I have never asked about having sex with someone else, but in the course of finding a threesome mate it has been discussed that he would not care if I hung out/dated/had sex with another girl when he isn't around.

I appreciate this, but it is difficult because, as I said, I also do like men. It is somewhat of a strict rule to me because even though I am mainly into girls, I do find a guy every now and then that I am interested in. I feel it's somewhat unfair.

He also does not recognize this as being poly, or that I am poly, etc. The conversation has come up about how he feels on poly, but he says it isn't for him.

A side bit that I feel should be included, though, is that I have had almost no sex drive (due to medicines, mainly) the past coming-on-6 months. I suggested him having sex with someone else because I know he is a fairly sexual person, and at first he was reluctant, but revisited it with me later on to ask permission and I said it was fine. He is however uncomfortable with picking out someone and wants me to do it. He was going to have sex with a friend we have had a threesome with, but due to living situations and her job (she is an overnight worker and he is not, so she sleeps when he is off work), that's near impossible.

TL;DR

My boyfriend is somewhat poly and accepting of it but only would 'allow' me to date or have sex with other girls. He acknowledges none of this as poly. How do I discuss being poly with him and how it is somewhat unfair that he bars other males?
 
So your boyfriend has instituted a One Penis Policy (OPP). It is unfair, because he is expecting you to only have sex or relationships with people of the same sex, while he is able to have relationships with people of the opposite sex. The only way his restriction would be fair is if he only dated or had sex with men.

If you're having multiple relationships in which you have feeling for all of your partners, it's poly. Arguably, if it's a purely sexual arrangement with your partners other than your boyfriend, it might not be considered poly, but that's a matter of semantics. In the General Poly Discussions section, there's a thread called "Not-Quite-Poly" that might give you some different perspectives.
 
It sounds like your bf has lots of insecurities. He is okay with allowing you to see women because he doesn't view them as a threat. You'll have to start there by reassuring him that you are not out shopping for a replacement bf.

Has he said why he is not comfortable pursuing other women?
 
my ex tried to have a OPP, I ended things with him and made it clear to my next partner that I did not want a monogamous relationship and I would not tolerate a OPP.

if your boyfriend is unwilling to be with you if you have male partners you can either

agree to only date women since you are mostly attracted to them anyway, ignoring the fact that it's unfair. I did try this with my ex but discovered that there really isn't many women out there willing to date a married woman whom I had chemistry with.

tell him that he can only have sex with men (this only works if he's into men though)

call off opening your relationship and he's just going to have to deal with your low sex drive.

break up with him and choose to be with someone who isn't sexist or controlling

I actually never wanted a male partner but like i said before as a married woman it was next to impossible to find what I was looking for (most women are looking for a woman to join her relationship it seems) and ended up seeking men instead because it's a bigger dating pool. I think my ex figured i would never find a woman (he was right) when he agreed i could get a girlfriend
 
I am not sure what to do. I am inexperienced with dating 'Mono' people whilst being poly. I put it in quotes because my boyfriend isn't quite mono, but he says he is.
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Sounds like he is monoamorous -- wants to share love only with one sweetie -- you. Though sometimes polysexual -- willing to share sex with more than one partner. Not necessarily as group sex. Though this has happened. Just have more than one lover at a time.

How do I discuss being poly with him and how it is somewhat unfair that he bars other males?
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You could use words he understands and skip the whole "poly" vocab for now. Leave evaluation words like "unfair" out of it. Getting tangled up in semantics or evaluations does not let you really focus on the main thing that bothers you. Which is that at this point in time, you want to be free to date whoever you are attracted to regardless of gender. You want to share love and share sex with more than one partner.

Could use "I statements" and what does/does not work for you. Like....

"I want to make you aware that this agreement no longer works for me. I want to be free to date whoever I am attracted to regardless of gender. I want to share love and share sex with more than one partner. If you are willing, I would like to continue to date you too. I just cannot promise you exclusivity. I need to know if you are up for that or no longer up for that."

1) You are giving him a heads up. This agreement does not fit you. You are not a cheater. So you are ending the agreement.

2) Ball is in his court now. He can consider if he wants to date you without this agreement in place or not date you any more.

Is he willing to date you while you date other people (men and women?)

  • If not willing? Part ways amicably.



  • If willing AND able? Then you let go of the agreement you dislike and can continue dating him.

Keep it simple on yourself.

Galagirl
 
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teanorr said:
I suggested him having sex with someone else because I know he is a fairly sexual person, and at first he was reluctant, but revisited it with me later on to ask permission and I said it was fine. He is however uncomfortable with picking out someone and wants me to do it.
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Unless this person is getting paid, she shouldn't be "picked out" like a new outfit. She is a human being and would be entering into a relationship. It's more than shopping for a replacement girl. And sounds like a bad idea, especially if he is into monogamy. Did we all learn nothing from Indecent Proposal ???
 
Hi Tea,

You might want to read the book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. It helps put "poly" and other terminology into perspective and it's just a really good book in general. If your boyfriend would be willing, ask him to read it too. Perhaps the two of you could even read it together.

It's definitely unfair of your boyfriend to tell you you're allowed to have girlfriends but not other boyfriends. But, like GalaGirl said, telling him it's unfair isn't going to convince him. Instead, you need to use direct language such as, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not willing to do this." ("This" in this case meaning the OPP.)

Anyway, that's the main bit I wanted to add for the moment.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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