Mono dating a poly, looking for advice

[Kugron]

Hello everyone, I am a mono man dating a poly woman who recently came forth and opened up about being poly, and I am looking for some advice/help/insight in our situation.

BACKSTORY
I have been dating this girl for almost two years now, and everything seemed to be going great. Around a year and some change into our relationship she started expressing interest in me giving her freedom to date and have sex with other people. At first I was terrified, because it sounded suspiciously like just a passive way of breaking up, as if to say "I met someone new, and you can meet someone new, and then we'll both have someone else and we'll be done". None of that was said, that's just where my mind went. She explained to me that she is polyamorous and needs freedom to be who she is, and that she wouldn't love me any less. The first few times she brought the subject up, I kept saying no. I didn't know polyamory was actually a thing, I just thought it was a fancy term for people who have no self-control and can't commit.

Finally it came to a point where she brought it up one night and was on the verge of tears, she said she felt trapped being with just me which kind of hurt. I hated seeing her so miserable and decided to give it shot. I knew I wouldn't like her doing it, but I wanted her to be happy. I served in the marine corps and am all about sacrificing for the better good, and in this case I decided to let her be who she is and be happy, despite the inevitable suffering I knew it would cause me. She was ecstatic that I had finally given her the freedom to do this, and I was happy that she was finally happy. I laid out a few rules, I wanted to know when there was someone new, and I wanted to know when they had sex.

Fast forward two weeks later, I was about to get off work and head to her place when she texted me that tonight was not a good night, another friend is over. I assumed the worst, but tried not to think about it, and it felt as if I had been pushed aside for this new guy. The next day I went over to her place, from the moment I got there she wouldn't stop talking about him, and how great she thought he was. Then after a few hours she did tell me that they had sex.

I wanted her to be happy, and I knew I wouldn't like this happening, but I had no idea how badly I wouldn't like it. It felt as if I had been stabbed in the chest, and I was in shock for the rest of the night. The next morning she could tell that I wasn't myself, hell I don't think I slept that night at all. She asked if everything was ok, and I told her how I felt and how much it hurt me. She told me that she feels connections with people on different levels, and said that I am the only one that she connects with on every level, and that she still loves me more than anyone.

The initial shock of their rendezvous wore off a couple weeks later, but it still was quite painful for me. It was on my mind most of the time, and I kept visualizing her sleeping with him which would cause a downward spiral of emotion, and I'd have to pull myself back out again. But I began noticing that she would keep her phone out of reach from me at all times, and she would often text someone and turn the phone away from me preventing me from reading it. One night my curiosity got the better of me and I crossed the line that no boyfriend should cross, and read her texts with him after she fell asleep. I saw a great many graphic details about their sex night, and how wonderful it was and it just crushed me with insecurity, and fear. I admitted it to her the next day, she wasn't happy about it but forgave me and asked if I had any questions about anything I had seen.

From there on out, her phone is off limits(obviously), we've moved on and things have gotten a little better but I still sometimes get overwhelmed with jealousy, and insecurity, and fear. I talk to her about it, and she'll give me more reassurance that I am her 'primary'. I love this girl to death, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, I want to make this work. I recently read through Tristan Taormino's Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships and learned quite a bit about polyamory, and it has helped somewhat, but the bad feelings still surface now and then.

I was wondering if anyone else here that may have been in a similar situation has any advice? Do the feelings of jealousy ever get better or easier to deal with, or is this something that I'll be faced with everytime this happens?

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Hey, Kugron. I've never really been where you are, but I have struggled with insecurities to a certain extent and can say that usually time helps. The longer she is involved with someone else and continue to meet your needs, the easier it will be.

You might also consider what you actually need to know. Reading the details was too much for you, so you know to avoid that in the future. Would it help to not know whether they had sex or not at all? As long as your safer sex boundaries are respected, why do you need to know if it's something that makes you feel iffy about it all? Or is it that you just want to know the first time she becomes sexual with someone new?

I think it's awesome that you've been reading and working through things. That's very admirable of you and shows how much you care about her.

 

[Kugron]

The problem with me not knowing about it, is that I feel it creates an aura of cheating in our relationship. There's also the fact that since I work a full time job, and am away from her for large periods of time, if I don't know when it's happening then my mind will begin to wander to dark places and lll constantly feel thoughts of " she's probably sleeping with someone right now", however unreasonable that might seem. By her telling me when it happens, as painful as it is for me, it keeps it in check instead of my imagination taking over and running wild.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Kugron,

I can't guarantee that things will get easier for you over time, but I can say that my observation in poly forums since 2008, along with my own early struggles in a poly dynamic, demonstrates to me that usually the passing of time does make it easier. You get used to it. You discover ways to keep your mind occupied when needed. Stuff like that.

I can imagine what a system shock it must have been for you to hear about polyamory and find yourself suddenly agreeing to allow it when monogamy is the only relationship model you've been taught all your life. "Opening Up" is a great book and should help ease some of your concerns. A few other books to consider are:

• "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
• "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
• "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff.

In addition to that, of course, is this forum. Anything we can do to help, we'll try to do. Let us know of whatever further questions and concerns you have as they come up.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[WhatHappened]

I just thought it was a fancy term for people who have no self-control and can't commit.

Finally it came to a point where she brought it up one night and was on the verge of tears, she said she felt trapped being with just me which kind of hurt....I served in the marine corps and am all about sacrificing for the better good, and in this case I decided to let her be who she is and be happy, despite the inevitable suffering I knew it would cause me.

I don't buy it that someone 'can't' be happy unless they have sex with multiple people. We really choose whether we want to be happy or not, in most situations. I don't for a second believe that 'who she [or anyone] 'is'' requires them to have sex with multiple partners in order to be happy. Having a desire does not define who we inherently are, much less change the parameters for wise or kind behavior.

What is she sacrificing for your happiness?

BTW, I was also a mono in a poly relationship, although I was the 'secondary.' Does it ever get any easier? In my experience, no. Did I suffer jealousy? In one sense, no. I didn't care that he slept with his wife. (After all, she's his wife.) Moreover, he stopped seeing anyone but me, (and her) exactly because he wanted to do everything in his power to give me happiness in being with him.

But the feeling that I was number two, the understanding that he hoped I would stay 'forever,' with him, but then he'd retire to the south with her and just leave me; the realization that his wife was having her own issues not having him so much at her beck and call and was letting me know who was in charge....no, those things never get 'easier.' And it's why I finally broke up with him.

 

[Candiedlove]

I don't buy it that someone 'can't' be happy unless they have sex with multiple people.

That's pretty anti-poly for a poly forum. It's not about having sex with multiple people; it's about being with multiple people. I do know that I could never be happy in a monogamous relationship. Hell, if I had to, I could go the next year with NO sex at all, if I wasn't able to see my partners. I no longer have desire for casual sex on my own (though I won't judge anyone who does, of course).

If I know I can't be happy in a monogamous relationship, or she does, who are you to tell her it's just about fucking others?

 

[Candiedlove]

What is she sacrificing for your happiness?

Also, this. I do not sacrifice ANYTHING for my partners' happiness. Nor do they for me. Rather than build a relationship on sacrifice, we build it on giving. I won't even date someone who enjoys sacrificing for my sake; I do not want to be with a martyr, I want to be with a partner.

 

[YouAreHere]

Also, this. I do not sacrifice ANYTHING for my partners' happiness. Nor do they for me. Rather than build a relationship on sacrifice, we build it on giving. I won't even date someone who enjoys sacrificing for my sake; I do not want to be with a martyr, I want to be with a partner.

Maybe "Compromise" is a better word here? Chops and I have both definitely compromised on certain things we've both wanted, freely, because we feel that what we *do* have with each other is worth it.

To Kugron, it sounds as though you felt like the only reason you agreed to this was because you were emotionally worn down - did your GF understand that you felt this way? Is she helping you to find ways of making this easier, or is she (or are YOU) feeling that you need to bear that weight yourself?

There's the concept of owning one's emotions, but it doesn't give the other partner license to be callous about what their loved one is going through. You seem to be trying to work through it all, but it's clearly overwhelming right now. Maybe you could work with her to start figuring out some of the little stressors that make up the big overwhelming ball of stress and try to deal with each one individually (and start lightening the load)?

For example, if her phone is off-limits, but it stresses you out when she's on it, can you try asking for *some* information so your mind doesn't go off on its own? Will knowing who's on the other end work? Will asking her to not text him while the two of you are spending time together help? Something like that - pick out some of the little pieces you can work on, and they'll help take the weight off the whole.

Hoping for the best.

 

[WhatHappened]

Also, this. I do not sacrifice ANYTHING for my partners' happiness. Nor do they for me. Rather than build a relationship on sacrifice, we build it on giving. I won't even date someone who enjoys sacrificing for my sake; I do not want to be with a martyr, I want to be with a partner.

And this is exactly my point. OP IS sacrificing for her happiness. He is giving a great deal. He is giving UP a great deal. What is she giving for his happiness? What is she giving up?

The problem here is it's a one way street.

And my original statement is not pro or anti anything. I'm talking about a much bigger issue: that, as Lincoln said, most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. That, as Victor Frankl and many others have taught, we really can find happiness and peace almost anywhere.

This is what I don't buy: "I need X to be happy." Call it having multiple relationships or having sex. It's beside the point. I'm talking about a larger issue.

I'm talking about the fact that the entire focus in their relationship appears to be on what ONE person wants, despite those actions bringing pain to the other person.

 

[Invi]

I'm not sure I would call my experience similar, because in the original opening stages of the relationship with my partner, there was a lot of dishonesty on his end. So when he started being more honest, there was already a lot of hurt in play.
The short version is that it took leaving him for several months and trying to move on for me to realize how much I wanted him as a partner, regardless of who else he was dating or sleeping with. Those months included a lot of grieving, reflection, and reading. 'The Ethical Slut' was probably the title that helped me the most in letting go of my possessiveness and insecurities about him having sex with other people, along with the fact that he was obviously sleeping with other people while we were broken up, so really, what was the difference? The label? Whether or not we were having sex?
It probably helped that I'm a voluntaryist, and poly, if that's what he wants, seemed like just more voluntary interactions.

I used to have the problem of thinking about him being with whomever, which was often problematic for me because even though I know his type, I had never met those girls. They were an unknown and the unknown can be scary. My solution has been to just not think about it. Actively thinking about specifics of him having sex with someone else still makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know if that will ever change. So I just don't do it. If I catch myself starting to, I make it a point to think of something else instead. It gets easier to not start thinking about it at all.
Meeting or talking to some of his other partners has helped a bit. Makes them a known factor. Human, and not intimidating, unless you let them be.

I don't want to know when they have sex. That would make not thinking about it more difficult, I think. One of his other partners actually just stayed with us for 3 weeks, and they shared a bed for the majority of that time. If they had sex, which I'm sure they did, I was none the wiser because they were quiet and discreet, so for the most part I just didn't think about it.
At this point, I doubt you can even imagine being in the same dwelling with both of them. Two years ago, I would have felt that way. Much of my talking with my partner involved talking about how I'd NEVER be okay with him seeing other people and how I ought to just leave.
Perhaps you're not as much of a pessimist as I was, maybe you don't feel quite like that. The point of sharing it, though, is that maybe you'll feel better about it in the future.

/endrambling

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I could be totally wrong. But in case it helps any, here is how it reads to me...

Around a year and some change into our relationship she started expressing interest in me giving her freedom to date and have sex with other people.

That bothers me. Because her "asking" this way seems to cast you in this role where you are her keeper, and if she doesn't get her way you are just the big withholding meanie. It's.... weird.

I rather it come as "I would like to poly-date. Would you be willing to continue dating me if I choose to go there?" Because that is asking for your "willing and able" and not casting you in any kind of "keeper" role. Each of you is a person in their own right. It is more respectful sounding to me.

At first I was terrified, because it sounded suspiciously like just a passive way of breaking up, as if to say "I met someone new, and you can meet someone new, and then we'll both have someone else and we'll be done". None of that was said, that's just where my mind went.

I think you are right to wonder if there's some passive-aggressive going on here. But not about breaking up. To me she sounds like she's trying to keep you around even if it isn't great for you in a passive-aggressive way. Breaking up because you are mismatched in fundamentals actually sounds more loving/respectful to me. It is sad to break up, but in the long term it looks to happiness and health for BOTH people. Right now it sounds all about her.

Instead she sounds like she went into emotional manipulation land to me.

She explained to me that she is polyamorous and needs freedom to be who she is, and that she wouldn't love me any less.

This reads as "Let me do what I want so I don't stop loving you." Love for her is a bargaining chip? Weird.

So she is poly. So what? Like she's blond, brunette, redhead... so what? This is distracting red herring stuff to me. The core thing to me is this... If she's feeling trapped and shrinking herself into a relationship model she no longer wants -- who is doing it to her? Her. If she wants to change the model, that's fine. She can want what she wants. Just like you can want what you want.

I don't care for how she is asking you for your "willing and able" to continue to date her if the model changes.... precisely because she isn't asking for your willing and able like you are a person in your own right who might have other preferences for yourself. She's not engaging in honest communication to sort things out with you.

Like she skips actually asking because she suspects the answer would be "no, thanks. " She rather have you around so she can keep receiving what you give. So most of her communication you describe? Sounds like it is about placing her in center of attention or getting what she wants. (date more people = more attention for her)

It is not about achieving greater understanding of you, or helping the couple do anything. It's all memememe stuff.

It seems... weird.

The first few times she brought the subject up, I kept saying no. I didn't know polyamory was actually a thing, I just thought it was a fancy term for people who have no self-control and can't commit.

Interesting you say that. Do you think SHE lacks self control? Do you think she cannot commit to looking out for her AND you in a balanced way? Is she flighty? Does she have and keep a Word? Is she trustworthy? Do you think she's using "polyamory" as a label to "whitewash" her poor behaviors/lack of taking personal responsibility?

For all I know, you could end up polyshipping with someone else just fine. It's not the poly thing but THIS PARTNER.

Finally it came to a point where she brought it up one night and was on the verge of tears, she said she felt trapped being with just me which kind of hurt.

Again... who is trapping her? Her. She chooses to participate in a model that does not fit her. She could stop.

She could ask you nicely if you are willing and able to change models. And if she finds out that you prefer different than her.... she could do a decent, respectful break up with you and move on rather than doing all this drama stuff.

Keep it way simpler on both. Less drama.

But no. To me it sounds like the emotionally badgered you to "give in." That is not kind.

I can see you are worn out. But how is she? Is she strangely "energized" by drama?

I wanted her to be happy, and I knew I wouldn't like this happening, but I had no idea how badly I wouldn't like it.

You KNOW you won't like a thing and you choose to do it hoping it won't suck TOO bad? I don't see how that attitude serves you well. You could reach out for the things that bring you happiness and joy. Rather than reaching out for "Sucky things."

It's like you expect things to just suck in this relationship. If that is the case... how does choosing to stay in a relationship where you expect things to just suck benefit you?

Is it habit now for you to put her happy ahead of yours so you get badgered less? Being selfless is not a good thing. It is not taking good care of you.

It felt as if I had been stabbed in the chest, and I was in shock for the rest of the night. The next morning she could tell that I wasn't myself, hell I don't think I slept that night at all.

You could listen to how you feel. Shock response is SERIOUS stress response.

Poly is NOT for you. That's ok. It isn't for everyone. You could stop participating in a thing that makes you feel this horrible and go into shock. Could stop trying to MAKE it work and simply accept it doesn't work.

You can want her to be happy and for you to be happy too. Another way to arrive there is to break up. That frees her to poly-date. Frees her from feeling trapped.

Frees you from polyshipping that feels horrible to you. Frees you from future shock response to HIGH STRESS.

Could accept you have fundamental differences and let it go peacefully.

She asked if everything was ok, and I told her how I felt and how much it hurt me. She told me that she feels connections with people on different levels, and said that I am the only one that she connects with on every level, and that she still loves me more than anyone

I think you could ALSO listen to how she responds when you bring it to her attention. To me it reads like...

You: I really hurt BAD! HORRIBLE! Shock response!
Her: Ok. But I want this so I am willing for you keep on hurting horrible and deal in shock response. I will now tell you how awesome *I* feel loving you. (talk) While ignoring that YOU feel like suck (action).​

Loving words maybe. Treating you with loving behaviors? Not so much. She neatly changed the focus of the conversation back on to her. Her, her, her.

Sounds selfish to me -- sugar coated string along selfishness.

I do not think this is about polyamory here. This is about her wanting what she wants, at your expense. Wanting to be the center of all attention. That's not loving you. It's loving what you are currently doing for her.

And what you currently are doing is throwing you under the bus. You seem to be going against your own grain. She's good with this. A loving partner would not be.

Again, I could be wrong, but I think you could tread carefully here.

If you choose to overextend yourself into unhealthy places to be with her and she's happy for you to do that... I think you could take a few steps back and reassess this relationship. Not assess if you love her or she loves you... but assess if continuing to participate in this HEALTHY for you.

I was wondering if anyone else here that may have been in a similar situation has any advice? Do the feelings of jealousy ever get better or easier to deal with, or is this something that I'll be faced with everytime this happens?

I think reassess this is your best bet. Because it is going to be hard to feel emotionally safe when you choose to go against your own grain and seem to do things you really do not want to do.

It is also hard to feel emotionally safe with someone who is mostly talk (loving words) and little show. (loving actions) Both talk and walk have to match for there to be integrity.

I think both contribute to shaky ground and shaky ground is no place to build foundations on. Polyamory is a challenging model as it is without choosing to build it with a wonky sounding partner on shaky ground.

It isn't that jealousy is horrible. Some feelings are just yucky to feel. We do not expect "mad" to feel like "happy."

I'm not even sure it is "jealousy" here. I see "anxiety and fear."

And if you are being treated poorly of course you will feel those things. Nobody is like "Yay! I want to be treated poorly some more!"

It is very tempting to frame it like "Ther'es this new dude she's dating. If he wasn't around she wouldn't behave like this" rather than just a simpler "She's behaving like this right now."

She is responsible for her actions, and actions toward you. If she's behaving in provoking ways... you aren't being treated well.

So again... take a step back, let your emotions chill, and assess this from fresh eyes. Is it healthy for you here?
Galagirl

 

[Kugron]

Thanks for the responses so far, to answer some questions I keep seeing.

What is she sacrificing for my happiness?

Well, right now nothing HOWEVER...that isn't because she's refusing to. After seeing the emotional distress this caused me, she's been quite active in trying to find ways to make it better for me. She seems to feel quite guilty and sad when she sees what it does, and she must have asked me a dozen times now "what can I do to make this easier? What can I do to make this relationship better for you?". So she is trying, but I honestly can't think of anything besides to end this poly arrangement, which I know now isnt going to happen, so I say nothing. I didn't mean to paint her as the bully, and myself as the victim, she is very attentive to the way I feel, I just don't know how to change it to make it work for me. She tried to make it fair by telling me that she's ok if I start seeing someone else, but I'm not polyamorous. Call me influenced by society but I really feel deep down that that's not right, I'm not gonna see someone else while also seeing her. I just want to be with her.

In regards to why I would put myself through something that I knew would suck?
I don't know if there are any veterans on this forum, but anyone who has spent time in the military can attest that you get used to having to do things that suck, you just accept it and do it anyway, it's in our nature. So I suppose that's where it stems from.

Is she used to getting what she wants?

I would say yes, very much so. She's extremely impulsive in that if she wants something, she'll get it with little thought into the aftermath of how it will affect her later on. If she wants to drink, she drinks, if she wants to smoke, she smokes, she even got a pet when she was in between living situations because she only saw something cute that she wanted, and didn't think about the logistics a of where the pet would be kept? Who would take care of it while she was working? Ect. So in essence, she doesn't like being told "no", and doesn't make much of an effort to show any self control. With that being said I have no doubt that her impulsiveness is where this new relationship is coming from. Thris guy probably started to sweet talk her, and instead of resisting and just being friends she caved and wanted to take it to another level.

 

[GalaGirl]

I do have military in my fam. I get the idea of sacrificing for the greater good.

But to me all this sacrifice? Is causing her distress and you distress. Where's the "greater good for both" in taking this approach?

The "sacrifice" you both make instead could be parting ways to free each of you to seek a relationship shape that suits each person better than trying to make a kite fly that just... won't.

Breaking up stinks in the short run, but in the long run? I see there is some "greater good" for each with that approach.

I honestly can't think of anything besides to end this poly arrangement.

That's what I see.

I know now isnt going to happen.

Why not? You are not willing say "I love you, I wish you happiness, you are free to go to those places. I just cannot go there with you. I have to love me too."

I just don't know how to change it to make it work for me.

You could change it by bowing out of polyshipping. She's free to continue it on her own.

I see your struggle, and my heart goes out to you. I just think banging head against walls is not a long term answer.

Given these things...

She's extremely impulsive in that if she wants something, she'll get it with little thought into the aftermath of how it will affect her later on.

she doesn't like being told "no", and doesn't make much of an effort to show any self control.

makes this one...

She seems to feel quite guilty and sad when she sees what it does, and she must have asked me a dozen times now "what can I do to make this easier? What can I do to make this relationship better for you?"

....reads to me like in the moment she might be willing but her actual ability to follow through is weak. (Again with the "words" vs "actions")

You both may be too close to see it at this time still wanting to hang on, but I'm not trying to disparage her. I'm just saying... you guys sound really, really, really mismatched.

• She wants poly; you do not.
• You sound more into stability;she's into impulsivity.
• You want to be considered ahead of time; thinking ahead is not her strength.
• Both are hurting like this, with no end in sight.

"Greater good" to me in this case sounds like freeing you both from the confines of this romantic relationship so you can both be happier being friends. A relationship shape better suited given such different personalities and different wants.

I think you could consider changing your mind about how/where you wish to sacrifice.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

The impulsiveness is a concern. Also if you endure something that sucks, there should be some reason why you believe it's worth it.