Mono frustration in an otherwise awesome relationship

A

azvince

New member
My gf and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 5 years. We both suffered through long, miserable marriages, and we're like soulmates in many ways. We both have intense sex drives, enjoy pornography and are sexually open-minded.
The problem is that I'm obsessed with the fact that she was once in a relationship with a married couple, and has done some swinging, and I haven't. I'm totally turned on by the idea of a group experience, whereas she got into it as a sexual opportunity that she fell in by accident.
I'm aware that polyamory is not the same as swinging, but there seems to be a multi-partner fetish component to the poly lifestyle. In any case, I'm not averse to an ongoing relationship.
My gf says she's open to a sexual encounter with another couple, but she's not enthusiastic about finding people on-line. We were on one of those sex sites a while back, but we didn't meet anyone we both liked. She wants it to happen "naturally," for example if we were out with another couple, having a few drinks and things just went in that direction. That isn't going to happen, because we don't have much of a social life.
As I'm not very good at meeting new people spontaneously, I was thinking of looking for some sort of group here in the Phoenix area, but I have no idea where to start. My goal is not to immediately jump into an orgy, but to meet other sexually open people in a relaxed way. (Her previous playmates are not an option, for reasons I won't go into here.) BTW I'm bi-curious, and although that's not my primary motivator I don't have the usual straight-guy hangups. Any suggestions?
 
Hi azvince - It sounds like you're thinking of group sex situations that involve you and your GF and not ongoing romantic relationships outside of your GF, is this fair to say?

~ Welcome ~
 
There is no fetish component to my poly relationships. I do not get sexually aroused from having more than one partner. It is about having multiple loving relationships at the same time.

You would be best served by swinger websites.
 
azvince said:
I'm aware that polyamory is not the same as swinging, but there seems to be a multi-partner fetish component to the poly lifestyle.
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Yeah, there's no fetish aspect to poly, just an openness to loving more that one person at a time. I guess it's not clear whether you're looking for love, vince, or looking for mind blowing group sex. Polyamory can entail group sex, but it's mostly about love/like-a-lot between individuals who have a personal connection. I think that's kind of the opposite of a fetish, actually.
 
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I think you have answered your own question.

That isn't going to happen, because we don't have much of a social life.
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Could take a two prong approach. Solve the social life -- join hobbies, take classes, get out there.

I was thinking of looking for some sort of group here in the Phoenix area
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That's the other part of it. Look up what groups there may be. Google it. See when the next events are and go.

Galagirl
 
Hi azvince,

There are several resources for finding local poly groups in your area, but perhaps the most direct and simple approach would be to google "Phoenix polyamory" and to do a search for "Phoenix polyamory" on FetLife.

But you should be aware that polyamory is primarily an emotional, rather than sexual, experience. Not that sex never comes into it, it does, but if you're looking primarily for sex, especially of the NSA or ONS kind, poly would probably be an awkward fit.

Would you consider swinging again? Would you want to?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the replies. Guess I was just looking for a fresh perspective.
I certainly would try swinging, given the right situation.
As for the fetish aspect, I realize I'm coming out of left field with that one. I'm currently reading "Opening Up", where Taormino details all the different sexual orientation situations involved in poly (one partner likes BDSM, one doesn't, one is bisexual, one isn't, etc.) it seems plausible that a multi-partner relationship could have fetish components for certain people. :)
 
Re:
"I certainly would try swinging, given the right situation."
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I don't know what the best way is to pursue that, maybe search on Google/FetLife for "Phoenix swinging?"
 
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