Mono gf having problems dealing

L

lovinhimloviner

New member
My husband Harlan and I are still relatively new to polyamory. We have been in this life for about a year. I am very happy. We have a large family. My husband, our four kids, and my OSO John all live together. Harlan's OSO Meg comes over, or they go out, at least 5 nights a week. We are all dealing with the new situation, and a new house, as we have just moved.

I have this problem of worrying about everyone. I know my husband and I are fine. I know John and I are fine.

Meg is monogamous. She has a Christian mom.

Because we live in such a small town, everyone learns things about you, even if you try to keep it to yourself. We go to the kids' ballgames together, and to the gas stations and stores together. It is not uncommon for the people at a gas station to see Harlan and Meg together, more than my husband and me. They like to get out of the house and do all the running. John and I like to sit at home with the kids.

Anyway, long story short, someone who works with Meg's mom put two and two together and told her mom why Meg has been so happy. Her mom cornered her and started screaming at her about how she is ruining my kid’s life and our marriage. This, combined with the fact that all of her friends have found out, and not just disagreed with her decision, but have made it their life mission to try and ruin her life and make her feel like a huge pile of crap-- she is not dealing with things well. I know it isn’t my place to try to fix any of this, but I need to help somehow.

Are there any monogamous folks out there who have dealt with pretty much losing everyone they thought cared about them for someone that you love so very much and don’t want to lose? Was there anything that helped you deal with all of this?

I know Meg wants to get married and have kids someday. I feel like I am blocking her happiness by being married to him first. I will never leave my husband for any reason, but I would be willing to sign a paper saying that we are no longer married so that Meg can have all of her dreams come true, too.

I feel like I am going crazy. I don’t know how to not want to fix things.

Our kids are happy. They love John and Meg like family. I know they are not ruined because of our lifestyle, but I don’t know how to try and get others to understand.

Any suggestions will help. Thanks, guys.
 
What a bunch of nosey busybodies in town!

I have a few ideas. Since the cat is out of the bag now, why don't all of you go out socially a few times, so people can see that you guys are all happy with the situation? Or go out alone with Meg, as friends, and let everyone in town wonder all over again. I love messing with people who stick their noses in where they don't belong.

You said, "I know she wants to get married and have kids someday. I feel like I am blocking her happiness by being married to him first." How long has Harlan been seeing Meg? Are you and he opposed to him fathering children with her, if that is what she wants? Do you know what she wants? Maybe she doesn't see herself as a wife and mother, or maybe she's fine with it being a bit more distant in the future. And if she does, why couldn't she have a primary and still see your hubs as a secondary? There's no need to feel like you're preventing the relationship from developing, as it can take many more forms in poly than it could conventionally! Signing a paper saying you're not married wouldn't do anything. You'd still be married.

I think you are panicking too much.
 
I know I'm panicking too much... I'm just afraid it will all fall apart. Meg is a great person. Harlan and she are perfect for each other. She has told me that she never realized how much she wanted to get married and have kids till she fell in love with Harlan. I would be absolutely fine with them having kids. I would do everything I could to help make things easier.

She is having a lot of trouble dealing with the isolation that has come from everyone finding out. She is a private mono type anyway and only has eyes for Harlan. They have been friends for some time but have only been really dating for about 8 months, I think. I know it is a short time, but anyone with eyes can see how much they belong together.

Meg and I get along great and love to sit and laugh with each other. I am a talker and like to share how I am feeling. She is more of a not talk about things and just push them down out of the way kinda girl. She has had a pretty sheltered life and hasn't had to deal with much emotion in several years before now. I can see how strong she is, but sometimes when everything she has pushed down starts to surface she has a meltdown. Of course, she only does this when she is alone, because talking and dealing with feelings isn't something she is very good at.
 
I guess I just really need people to talk to that understand, and won't tell me I am just being selfish and ruining my family by living this lifestyle.
 
I know many Christians are fine with polyamory, but the reality is that most are not. My daughter is Christian and we used to be very very close. The fact that my partner is polyamorous has pushed us apart, to a certain extent. I can understand how a Christian mother would feel about her daughter getting involved in an arrangement like this. And as the cat is out of the bag, there is no way to stuff it back in. I can see why you're worried.

By this "paper you are willing to sign," do you mean divorce? I know that sounds drastic, but it might be the only way to give Harlan the woman that he loves very much. You could always find two houses next to each other, or have an upstairs-downstairs set-up, so that you could all still be close. It might just be easier with life in a small town. The other option is moving, but Meg will still be without her family, which is a big loss.

Having said all this, Meg did know what she was getting into from the start, and she is an adult, so you shouldn't have to feel guilty (very hard, though). I too have a tendency to worry and feel responsible about a whole raft of things. I have a new little trick that is helping me with things outside of my control. I divide everything up into three areas. My business, other people's business and God's business. Sometimes it's hard to tell where something falls. In these cases, I leave it alone until it becomes clear to me. Living with uncertainly is part of the polyamorous deal, because you have more people to consider, and they have own baggage to deal with. My other new trick is living life one day at a time and doing the very best I can with that.

Good luck.
 
Thank you. I was beginning to think the idea of a divorce was irrational. They both said that will never happen, but in my eyes, we are both the primary and she deserves to have everything I have had for the last 10 years. Nothing will change in my mind, except maybe a little acceptance from her friends and family. I cannot picture our lives without her in it.
 
I am not sure how you divorcing your hubby and Mag marrying your him would appease her mother, especially since that sounds exactly like the sort of thing her mother is worried about, that your kids will suffer the stigma of having divorced parents. While this is not as a big of a deal these days as it used to be, in small very religious towns it can be huge. Don't rush things. She loves you guys and you love her. Take things slowly, like going out as one big family to show that your kids are just fine, and see where things go from there.
 
With this kind of love and thinking underpinning your relationships, I'm sure everything will work out. This is probably the most loving thing I have read on any forum. I wish you the very best. :)
 
Well, things seem to be going better, if anyone is following this. Meg doesn't talk much to her mom, but she hasn't disowned her yet, like we thought.

Harlan needs some lessons on trying to keep everyone happy, though. He seems to forget about me in his NRE. I try reminding him all the time how much I love him, and even surprised him with some daytime sneaking-off lovin.' But I don't get much of it back.

One thing I'm not sure we are doing right is time management. Since my OSO John lives with us, when Meg is there, then she and Harlan are one couple, and John and I are the other couple. When she isn't there, then Harlan and I are the couple, and John gets loving looks. I really feel like this leaves Harlan with all the attention all the time.

He is fine with the way things are working, of course. lol.

The reason it started that way is because Meg is monogamous, and I am trying to respect the fact that she isn't used to seeing her bf with someone else. She understands we are married, and we still kiss each other good bye and good night. But when she stays the night, 5 or 6 nights out of the week, I start to feel a little left out. Harlan says I should at least be happy John is there all of the time, so I am not lonely.

But I miss Harlan! Sometimes it gets to be too much. I end up having a mini-breakdown and having a day where I just cry for no other reason. Sitting at work? Crying. Going to the gas station? Crying. People in this small town probably think I am just so unhappy with everything, and I'm really not.

Something that has been bothering both of us girls are we are the only two with jobs right now. John usually takes care of the kids, washes dishes and does the laundry, and Harlan will find something to do during the day, most days. But us girls are the only ones bringing in any money.

Last night, I found out I should be starting a second job. I will be working with Meg. She will be my boss! (That might bring on a whole new set of issues.) We need the money and they desperately need the help.

John was so bothered by this and was very upset all night that I had to get 2 jobs to take care of 4 kids and 2 men. I don't know if it will motivate him any, but it was real emotion when he spoke. Harlan, on the other hand, said, "Well, there ya go, baby." lol

I just felt like I wasn't worth enough to him at all last night. Now he wants to know what is wrong and I am reluctant to say anything to him. I don't want to fight today. It is my son's birthday party and I don't want Harlan pissy all day.

Okay. I am done rambling. Just had to get the off my chest. I feel better already.
 
lovinhimloviner said:
She understands we are married. We still kiss each other good bye and good night. But when she stays the night 5 or 6 nights out of the week, I start to feel a little left out. Harlan says I should at least be happy John is there all of the time, so I am not lonely. But I miss Harlan! It gets to be too much.
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Why is she there so many nights a week? Can you cut it down to 2 or 3? Also, just because she is there doesn't mean she automatically must get first dibs on you husband, if it's about more than sex. She can be there and just live her life; she doesn't have to co-opt your relationship! You can still have an equitable schedule, whether she's there or not. Furthermore, it would infuriate me if I had to hold back affection for my husband in front of his gf, if she is living that much with you. If she can't stand that, she shouldn't be there that often.
 
So, he gets the gf that you have to suck up your feelings around in order for them to be happy every night, and you bring home the pay cheque too?? Hm... This would not be my idea of a good time. You are wondering why you are crying all the time, really?? I think it might be a good idea to ask Meg to stay home for a couple of weeks, so as to re-connect with Harlan and sort some things out. It seems like this is way too much time spent with her. Why doesn't he go over to her sometimes, anyway?
 
I am following.

I just wanted you to know I was following your post and reading. I am not sure how I can help but I am here to listen if you need a friend..
 
This is such a different post from your earlier one on divorcing your husband. It puts everything in a totally different perspective. You are giving away a lot, probably too much, in order to have your boyfriend live with you, who doesn't appear to contribute very much. Why can't he take the job that would be your second?

I agree the tears are a sign that too much is out of whack and needs a big sorting out.
 
I have to agree that it sounds like you are the one supporting everybody and there's not a lot coming back your way. There definitely needs to be a group discussion and some boundary-setting going on, so that the weight of all of the responsibilities and compromises are more equally distributed.

Any time one member of a couple is bearing more of the burden and responsibility, and doing all the compromising, and not receiving as much back, that inequity is going to build and build until it damages the relationship.
 
Okay, I think I gave off the wrong impression here guys. lol. I enjoy having Meg here. If it were up to me, we would all live together. It isn't that at all. I just feel left out because when she isn't here, Harlan is sad and distracted. We have a lot more fun when Meg is here.
 
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Also I don't have to hold back from my husband I do out of respect for M. This lifestyle is hard enough. It is a new relationship and I really want it to work. Our family loves having M in our lives. I feel like I worded that all wrong maybe. I just want H to be more attentive.
 
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Just a different viewpoint

Have you ever thought that maybe you send Meg mixed signals? I mean, you tell her how much you love her being around, and how much you love that Harlan loves her. You invite her over talk to her all day. But then you go online and tell strangers that you would like more time with your hubs. Maybe you should tell her, talk to her. I feel pretty confident she would just go away if you asked her to.

From the beginning, I told you I don't want to come between you, your family, your husband.
 
Sundrop, sometimes it is hard to pinpoint exactly what we need. We come to the forums and write it all out, vent what is on our minds, so we can better understand what we need. Sometimes that means talking to our SO or OSO, and so on, and sometimes we realize that it is us that needs to change our expectations. I think that lovinhimlovinher needs to explain to Harlan what she needs from him, in order for her to continue to feel all the positive emotions she has been feeling about this relationship.

I know that when I am stressed and feel like I am carrying all the burden (even if I actually am not), it helps to let Runic Wolf know that I need him. I've found that when I don't talk to someone, I let myself feel responsible for more than I actually am, take on more of a personal burden than I can handle, and don't understand why I want to cry for seemingly no reason. It took a while for me to let go and seek out Runic Wolf and Wendigo when I am feeling that way, because a part of me wants to spare them that burden.
 
I hadn't intended on getting on here ever again. Before my profile gets deleted, I need to say that I never want Sundrop to go away ever. My problems are with my husband and with myself. Learning to not be so selfish. I have tried everything I can think of to show that I am ok with it; that I am ok with Sundrop (Meg) being here all the time.

Our problems are nothing bad, just things that need worked out. I know they are my issues. That is what I have been saying all along. I am working on my issues and that takes time. I think Sundrop felt threatened by the comments that were left and started to step back again.

This is not an easy lifestyle and I understand that.

As far as all of the burden falling on me, while it feels like it at times like when I typed my previous post, it really isn't. Harlan works as many odd jobs as he can, and cooks dinner every night. John lives and eats with us for free, so he does the dishes and laundry and tries to keep up with the housework. Sundrop works full time, and is responsible for herself, so her money is hers.

I used to come here when I had a problem, like the original post, to get advice, or to just hear other's opinions, and took from it what I thought would help me personally. I didn't come here to upset anyone. It was just a place where like minded-people come, who don't know me or the small town I am in. It was a safe place to vent.

I have only Sundrop and the guys to talk to about all of this. There isn't anyone I can truly trust in this town of gossipers and liars. Everyone tells me that they mean what they say, but when I say something, no one listens to me or believes me. This is not me trying to get sympathy or whatever, it is me looking for guidance and support. That is no longer the case.

I have asked for my account to be closed so I can learn to deal with all of this on my own. My problems are with me more than anyone. I thought I was being given time to work on that, but I guess 2 months is all I get. I am sorry to everyone to bring this drama in here. Thank you all for your support and guidance.
 
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