Hi everyone,
I am completely new to this forum, so let me briefly introduce myself.
I am a male in my 30's, and have been married to my wife for the last 5 years. She is in her 30's as well, but she is 5 years younger than me. Both of us are heterosexual. We have been together for the last 7 years. I must say I have been blessed on many aspects of my marriage as we do have plenty of common grounds (e.g., we like traveling) even though some of our interests can be also different: (i) I am a scientist, interesting in playing tennis, photography (a lot) and music, while (ii) She is more interesting in social sciences, she is more spiritual than me (I am absolutely not), she likes dancing (salsa, bachata), languages and culture.
I would say our relationship has been for the most part very stable (sexually, financially, etc.). Maybe one major issue has been that thus far we have been unable to conceive (we tried for at least 2.5 years). The desire of having a kid has been most likely higher for her than for me (a lot of my/her friends have had kids or are about to have kids) and it seems that she has been quite frustrated by the "unfairness" of the present situation. Part of it is my fault as it might not have been my biggest priority even though I realized more recently that it would be a beautiful thing to have and raise a baby and having a growing family together.
In the last six months of so, she was able to find a job around where we live, which means much less commuting, great company, still good paycheck, and more time for her to develop her hobbies (mostly dance), which is a very positive thing. Since then, she has grown a bit more frustrated with me as I have apparently not given her enough attention on several levels (sex, emotion, talk and listen). The last semester had been pretty stressful for me as I was also teaching a graduate course level, which sucked up a lot of my free time. A large part of it is true, and based on our conversation last month, I have taken serious notes, and realized that some of my behavior had to change. In other words, I am aware of those issues, and I agreed with a majority of her complaints. I think a better communication from the time she felt neglected would have been more helpful. Anyway, what's done is done, and what interests me is the present and future, and the well being of our relationship. During that same conversation, she also introduced the concept of polyamory, which made more and more sense to her (she has apparently read a lot in the last six months, so she is way ahead in that direction than I am). Obviously I was confused, which I believe is pretty normal based on my experience (I have never been involved in any polyamory relationships. Same with her, so that would be new for both of us).
A couple days ago, she came to me, and talked more seriously about polyamory, as she seems more and more interested in exploring this practice. Obviously, there is a conflict as our relationship started as mono/mono, but she is not against a poly/mono relationship. I believe I am not ready to "dive" into that direction yet, but maybe (yes, I said maybe) I am willing to be open minded, and make some serious adjustments (being mentally prepared is a must though) to accomodate her needs. Most of those needs are concerned with emotional aspects (even though I am trying to accomodate those needs, but I realize it may not be enough). Other than that, she has not been too explicit. She claims that she does not have anyone in mind at this time. Obviously we must talk and agree before going to the poly/mono direction. Communication is of paramount importance, and I am very aware of this.
So at this moment, my feelings are somewhat lukewarm, and I am quite possibly confused with the whole idea. As being the mono part of the couple, I still need to process the concept, and time to process is absolutely necessary. I am not sure whether I feel comfortable with the idea of my wife being/spending some time and more importantly being emotionally involved with somebody else (most likely another man, I do not think she is interested in women, but who knows at this point?). The last part of that sentence is important, as I do believe that sex can be detached from emotion, and our sexual needs may widen over the years. In that sense, I might not be against the idea that someone may have sexual desires for other people (human nature). The emotional bond with somebody is however more problematic to me.
Short story, you might get the impression that I am rather confused with the present situation, and you will be right. It does not mean I will in the future, but I am seeking out for any advices from people who may have had similar experience (whether the experience has been successful or not), or from polyamorous folks who are content with their polyamory life.
I am looking forward to getting some feedback.
Cheers,
M.
I am completely new to this forum, so let me briefly introduce myself.
I am a male in my 30's, and have been married to my wife for the last 5 years. She is in her 30's as well, but she is 5 years younger than me. Both of us are heterosexual. We have been together for the last 7 years. I must say I have been blessed on many aspects of my marriage as we do have plenty of common grounds (e.g., we like traveling) even though some of our interests can be also different: (i) I am a scientist, interesting in playing tennis, photography (a lot) and music, while (ii) She is more interesting in social sciences, she is more spiritual than me (I am absolutely not), she likes dancing (salsa, bachata), languages and culture.
I would say our relationship has been for the most part very stable (sexually, financially, etc.). Maybe one major issue has been that thus far we have been unable to conceive (we tried for at least 2.5 years). The desire of having a kid has been most likely higher for her than for me (a lot of my/her friends have had kids or are about to have kids) and it seems that she has been quite frustrated by the "unfairness" of the present situation. Part of it is my fault as it might not have been my biggest priority even though I realized more recently that it would be a beautiful thing to have and raise a baby and having a growing family together.
In the last six months of so, she was able to find a job around where we live, which means much less commuting, great company, still good paycheck, and more time for her to develop her hobbies (mostly dance), which is a very positive thing. Since then, she has grown a bit more frustrated with me as I have apparently not given her enough attention on several levels (sex, emotion, talk and listen). The last semester had been pretty stressful for me as I was also teaching a graduate course level, which sucked up a lot of my free time. A large part of it is true, and based on our conversation last month, I have taken serious notes, and realized that some of my behavior had to change. In other words, I am aware of those issues, and I agreed with a majority of her complaints. I think a better communication from the time she felt neglected would have been more helpful. Anyway, what's done is done, and what interests me is the present and future, and the well being of our relationship. During that same conversation, she also introduced the concept of polyamory, which made more and more sense to her (she has apparently read a lot in the last six months, so she is way ahead in that direction than I am). Obviously I was confused, which I believe is pretty normal based on my experience (I have never been involved in any polyamory relationships. Same with her, so that would be new for both of us).
A couple days ago, she came to me, and talked more seriously about polyamory, as she seems more and more interested in exploring this practice. Obviously, there is a conflict as our relationship started as mono/mono, but she is not against a poly/mono relationship. I believe I am not ready to "dive" into that direction yet, but maybe (yes, I said maybe) I am willing to be open minded, and make some serious adjustments (being mentally prepared is a must though) to accomodate her needs. Most of those needs are concerned with emotional aspects (even though I am trying to accomodate those needs, but I realize it may not be enough). Other than that, she has not been too explicit. She claims that she does not have anyone in mind at this time. Obviously we must talk and agree before going to the poly/mono direction. Communication is of paramount importance, and I am very aware of this.
So at this moment, my feelings are somewhat lukewarm, and I am quite possibly confused with the whole idea. As being the mono part of the couple, I still need to process the concept, and time to process is absolutely necessary. I am not sure whether I feel comfortable with the idea of my wife being/spending some time and more importantly being emotionally involved with somebody else (most likely another man, I do not think she is interested in women, but who knows at this point?). The last part of that sentence is important, as I do believe that sex can be detached from emotion, and our sexual needs may widen over the years. In that sense, I might not be against the idea that someone may have sexual desires for other people (human nature). The emotional bond with somebody is however more problematic to me.
Short story, you might get the impression that I am rather confused with the present situation, and you will be right. It does not mean I will in the future, but I am seeking out for any advices from people who may have had similar experience (whether the experience has been successful or not), or from polyamorous folks who are content with their polyamory life.
I am looking forward to getting some feedback.
Cheers,
M.
