Mono New to Poly (Anxiety & Scary)

[New2021PolyWoman]

Hey All,

I need some help in knowing if things are “okay” or “normal” even though I know I define that in my own relationship. Maybe I’m just seeking some advice from those who’ve already been around the block so to speak.

I fell in love with my girlfriend and we’ve been together for 6 months. I always knew she was poly and she knew I was monogamous (bi). Long story short, she still has love her for exes whom are married and wants to continue that relationship.
I’m excited to learn more about poly as I never knew about this lifestyle and it intrigues me because I felt like I suppressed things that now I know I never needed to. The only issue is that these women came before me and I just don’t know how I’ll feel to see my girlfriend kiss and interact with them like how she interacts with me. I’m also getting to know them myself and want to see if I like them too but I’m trying to keep it organic and now force myself to like them. What happens if I don’t like them and she wants to continue. Being a poly newbie and not exploring sucks and also dating separately sounds super scary to me. I know a lot of it is insecurity but I wish there was like a guidebook for this. I read More Than Two and Ethical Slut but I still shake during conversations. We opened the relationship but it’s just like I have to learn by circumstance. Any advice would be great!
My girlfriend is honest, I trust her by the way, but she’s also very reactive and not the best communicator when it counts. She’s a yeller and says things in the heat of the moment. My insecurity sometimes lies in emotional security but overall our love and bond is great and this is something that could work.

 

[tdh]

The only issue is that these women came before me and I just don’t know how I’ll feel to see my girlfriend kiss and interact with them like how she interacts with me. I’m also getting to know them myself and want to see if I like them too but I’m trying to keep it organic and now force myself to like them. What happens if I don’t like them and she wants to continue

Consent is everything. Do not consent to anything you do not want to do. The upfront honesty of your girlfriend and you is giving you both an option to consent or not. If it isn't for you, then it isn't and that is okay.

My insecurity sometimes lies in emotional security but overall our love and bond is great and this is something that could work.

It will take work to overcome this but it is possible. Working with a consoler who is relationship and poly/non-monogoumous friendly or just personal could help.

Being a poly newbie and not exploring sucks and also dating separately sounds super scary to me.

There will always be a level of being uncomfortableness doing something new. It is a struggle. But there are many poly relationship types (someone probably have a list of most of them) and if you want to continue down the path, how that relationship defined is up to all of you in the relationships.

 

[Evie]

Then don't watch.

If it's more the PDA stuff that you are talking about, I found that it bothered me less over time as I got to know my metamours better.

When you talk about liking your metamours, are you meaning platonically, or are you somehow expecting yourself to form attractions to them?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello New2021PolyWoman,

It concerns me when you say, "She's a yeller and says things in the heat of the moment." This behavior, on the part of your girlfriend, puts restrictions on what would be good communication, and undermines what would be a safe space for you to express your feelings. Other than that, I think your situation is okay and normal, and you just need some time to grow accustomed to the dynamics of polyamory. Note also that you do not have to practice kitchen table poly, parallel poly is good too. You just have to find out what works for you. I hope this thread will prove to be helpful for you, and that you will continue to post as your situation evolves. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.