mono person with two partners

M

mnply

New member
Hey guys, I have probably super atypical problem and I can't see a way out of this without hurting everyone including myself. I hope that someone has a similar experience or could give a good advice at least.

The story is that I've been always identifying myself as monogamous, but my partner for years very strongly and constantly insisted (almost every day) to open our relationship for polyamory.

I was stupid enough to agree at some point (my motivation was unfortunately mostly fear, I was afraid that otherwise our relationship wouldn't survive any longer) and that's when the problems started.

After a while I met a person I had a crush on, and I decided to take a risk of starting a new, second relationship. It was and it is great in some aspects, but my first relationship immediately started to be very turbulent, including strong jealousy of my first partner (with some ambition-related background, it was supposed to be him, not me to have a second partner). Those problems are fortunately over, but I feel more and more uncomfortable being in two relationships. I feel a very strong need to focus on just one person, I have also overwhelming problems with my partners dating other people (fear, anger, a lot of crying). I'm also more and more angry on my first partner, even if I know that it was also my decision to give it a try and I'm responsible for the situation. At the end, I'm starting to see that the constant emotional fight to keep two relationships running consumes most of my energy, and I have simply no space for anything else. So... I would be super grateful for any suggestions, really getting close to the edge recently and can't see any way out of this...
 
There's no rule that says once you go poly, you can never go back. You gave it a try and realized that it wasn't for you. There's nothing wrong with that. If you do only want to have 1 partner, that does mean that you're going to have to make a choice.

You also can't force either of your partners to be mono, so just because you pick a single partner doesn't guarantee that either of them will be willing to do the same, in which case, you'll have to decide if you can still be with them if they want to date other people.

I'm sorry you're in a tough situation, but sounds mostly like you need to do some soul searching on what you really need, and then just stick to those boundaries.
 
I think you could just be true to yourself. What do you want? Do you want to be with just your new partner? Fix the relationship with your first and be with him/her? Or, start over and look for a mono partner? If having two partners is causing you stress and anxiety, then don't have two partners. If being in a non-monogamous relationship doesn't work for you, then don't be in a non-monogamous relationship. I know that it can be difficult to transition a romantic/sexual relationship to something other, but ultimately, if that's what you need to feel content, secure, and not anxious, then that's what you need. Trying to force yourself into a shape that doesn't fit for you, in the long run, will just make you miserable (as you're seeing), and hurt your partners more.

I can relate. Earlier this year I ended a romantic relationship with a man I really love. We are very compatible in so many ways. We share a lot of interests and have a strong emotional and spiritual connection. But, we conduct our relationships differently, in a manner that was not compatible. We've been able to maintain our friendship so far...whether that will be sustainable when one of us starts dating someone(s) more seriously, I don't know. But, for now, it's working. It was a difficult decision, but ultimately was the right decision for me.
 
Thanks guys for the replies! The tricky thing is that I'm actualy totally fine about the poly on the purely intelectual level but it apparently doesn't go together with my emotions. I was hoping that there might be a kind of a transitive period after which I would get simply used to it, but it's been over a year and it's not happening... At the beginning I was trying to hide the reactions to my partners' dating but it caused me only more suffering. The worst thing in the whole situation is that if I really follow my needs I'm gonna hurt at least one person (most probably both), and it's even more difficult because, besides all those problems, there is still a lot of love between us. So I guess that my real question is if it's worth to wait and believe that the things will change, or just give up as soon as possible and let it go...
 
Hi,

That is an unusual situation. How long have you had 2 romantic partners for? How long have you had your original partner for? Are there children or shared finances in the picture?

Finally, what are the goals of the three of you? I think your goals are clear to me - you seem to be saying that you agreed to polyamory primarily because you didn't want to lose your first relationship, but then formed a strong attachment to someone else. I think your first partner's old goals are semi-clear to me - he wanted to date other people. I am uncertain if that is still his goal or if he would now prefer monogamy again. I'm also uncertain if he wanted a physical and emotional attachment to others or just sex. If it's just sex, maybe kink/BDSM/swinging may be easier to handle emotionally and timewise?

In summary, your situation is indeed unusual, and looks complex. I understand if you don't want to give too many details on a public forum, but what you choose to do next may also be dependent on whether you have children, how long you've been in these relationships for and to some extent, also on what your partners want from this polyamorous relationship as well.
 
Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to stop dragging it out. You tried for over a year and conclude you prefer only one relationship at a time. Be honest with partners and stop doing the poly V.

Whether you end up with one partner, the other, or neither? It can be sorted out afterward. The first step is you STOP participating in something you do not want. Sort that out first. End that load of suffering.

Do not avoid dealing with it just because you are worried about what comes next. Take it one thing at a time.

Galagirl
 
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Hey, Shaya, I've been together with my first partner over 6 years, with the second one it's been over a year. No children, and nothing very complicated from the financial point of view...
I had been in sexually open relationship with the first partner for about 2 years before I said yes to polyamory, it was hard for me, but possible to deal with, I was usually able to overcome my fears. There was also a short moment when I actually enjoyed having emotionally non-engaging sexual relations with other people, but it ended quite soon after it lost a vibe of novelty. My first partner has been always addicted to some kind of the NRE, crushing on other guys regularly but never formed any other long-term relationship. Now he says that he possibly could be in a monoamorous relationship but I know him too well to believe that it could work in a long run.
The situation with the second partner is a bit different, he'd also identified himself as mono before, but is super rational, totally adjusted to the situation, have no problems with it and is happy to have a liberty of poly, although at this moment has only occasional sex dates (besides one short kind of romantic thing). I don't think that he has a very strong need of having other emotionally engaging relationships, rather behaves accordingly to the situation and having extra fun.
As I mentioned above, there was a phase of only sexually opened relationship, and I was able to deal with fears worse or better, but now, in the polyamorous situation, even a sex date causes a lot of pain and anxiety attack, like there's no more mental energy to control it...
 
mnply said:
...but now, in the polyamorous situation, even a sex date causes a lot of pain and anxiety attack, like there's no more mental energy to control it...
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Sounds like your pain and anxiety are trying to tell you that poly is just not for you. A lot of basically mono people pop onto this forum, wondering about poly, but are really in two overlapping mono relationships. Poly infers that love is involved and poly is very different than NSA sex open relationships. Lots of people, like you, seem to come here, trying out "poly," but are actually having a hard time letting go of the first relationship when another has come along. It sounds to me as though your intuition is telling you something, loud and clear. Love is love is love - and love just will NOT be controlled.


mnply said:
..my partner for years very strongly and constantly insisted (almost every day) to open our relationship for polyamory.....I was stupid enough to agree at some point (my motivation was unfortunately mostly fear, I was afraid that otherwise our relationship wouldn't survive any longer) and that's when the problems started.
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Judging from what you've told us so far, there's been a lot of fear and anxiety for many years in this relationship. It didn't all spring up when your second guy came along. Poly/open NSA sex isn't the problem - your first relationship seems to be the problem. Your BF has been wanting freedom to be sexual with others and has pushed this very hard. You've been upset by it all along. The open relationship model has never suited you and your new guy just makes that blindingly obvious to you.

You say that there's a lot of love between you and your first BF, but that is usually the case when people decide to break up. That's what makes it so hard. If nobody had any love left, breakups would be easy. Break ups usually involve a great deal of torn feelings, so don't let "there's a lot of love" stop you. Being incompatible regarding open vs. closed is like being incompatible about wanting kids. A good long term relationship needs compatibility in this area and when there isn't, it's usually a deal breaker. You're a mono guy. That's a beautiful quality to cherish in yourself, one which many guys would love to find in a partner. Embrace your monogamous desires and be with one special man who adores and thinks the world of you and only you - and who revels in knowing that you feel the same.

Be monogamous and proud!
 
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The worst thing in the whole situation is that if I really follow my needs I'm gonna hurt at least one person (most probably both), and it's even more difficult because, besides all those problems, there is still a lot of love between us.
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What is wrong with you really following your needs? :confused:

Since there is a lot of love between you... do you think your partners would not understand that you have to stop doing something you aren't really into?

At the end, I'm starting to see that the constant emotional fight to keep two relationships running consumes most of my energy, and I have simply no space for anything else. So... I would be super grateful for any suggestions, really getting close to the edge recently and can't see any way out of this...
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but now, in the polyamorous situation, even a sex date causes a lot of pain and anxiety attack, like there's no more mental energy to control it...
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You sound like you are burning out. You are participating in something you don't really want and it causes you pain. This behavior is already hurting at least one person -- you. YOU are hurting in this situation.

The way out? Is that you could stop participating in poly so you can eventually stop hurting. Your well being counts too. Not just your partners.

Some choices are "win-lose" and some are "this stinks, and that stinks. So which stinks the least?" If you are all going to hurt some with a break up in the short term? Accept it as the price of admission. So that you all can feel good in the long term. Dragging it out? That makes both the short term and long term ugh.

Don't keep secrets from your partners. Be open and honest -- you gave it a try. It is not for you. Love is not enough. There must be deep compatibility in other ways. And you have found that you do not want poly.

Partner A of 6 years sounds like he def wants open/poly stuff. Partner B of 1+years sounds like he could take it or leave it. If you are monogamous at heart? You could end it with partner A, and try a Closed thing with partner B (assuming he consents). Or... end it with both and be single for a while and date neither A or B. But however the details work out after, the first step still sounds the same to me.

If you want to feel better and less stressed out? You have to stop doing the poly V thing because it is running you ragged and you feel really on the edge. That's not healthy sounding. :(

Not even for your partners should you do that. You can love them a whole lot. Even up to 49% of your love. But the rest? You keep that 51% for loving you. You have to love yourself. Then you can say no.

"No. I love you. But not even for you will I do self damaging behavior."​

Galagirl
 
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I'm extremely grateful for your reactions.

Gala, you're right, I'm starting to realize that at some point I closed myself in a loop of taking care only of my partner(s) needs and started to totally ignore myself.

I think that it was very important for me to hear it here, as basically all my friends are more or less monogamous, and don't really understand all the dynamics and different aspects of the situation.

So really, thanks a lot :) I feel somehow relieved and stronger. Even if in the consequence it's gonna hurt a lot for a while...
 
Glad you are able to see that your self-care and well-being matters too.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Galagirl
 
Hi mnply,

I actually get the impression that both your new partner and original partner lean toward poly, and, if that is the case, you should actually break up with both of them. You don't have to do that, of course. It's just my observation based on what I've read in this thread. You could try to keep both partners for awhile, of course, but at least give yourself a light at the end of the tunnel, a date by which things must be markedly improved and if they're not, you'll cut the ties. Maybe you can still be friends (with both ex's)? I suppose you'd have to see.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Hi mnply,

I hear you say that you feel that you would prefer monogamy. I hear you say that this was your opinion before polyamory and now even while you're experiencing polyamory. I get the feeling that you feel this way because you have trouble managing your emotions when your partners go on dates or have sex with others. I get the feeling that you were pressured into trying polyamory and finding a new partner yourself in an attempt from your first partner to show you the benefits of polyamory, except you still feel that you prefer monogamy.

Based on this, I see two options.

Option 1:
Screw poly. Go mono. Both your partners sound like they want to explore the non monogamy lifestyle. Kevin's suggestion of finding someone with similar lifelong goals is a good one, but might be difficult given your restricted dating pool (I presume, men who have sex with men? With deep apologies if I have read the situation wrong). Someone might have to compromise to the situation of sex with no strong emotional attachments, though this can be tricky.

Option 2:
Search yourself for a root cause for your jealousy and insecurities. You might want to google love attachment styles if this is a foreign concept. Often, abandonment in childhood or earlier relationships, or cheating in earlier relationships, can leave scars in our mental psyche that cause jealousy and insecurity when similar events unfold in our adult lives. If you identify such issues, you could work to overcome them and lead a healthier life in the end.

There may also be other options I'm not seeing.

Good luck. Keep us posted please.
-Shaya.
 
Hi Kevin, I'm starting to be aware about this option too, but two break ups at the same moment seem to be a mission impossible. For now moving out for a while (still living with the partner 1) to get some distance and be able to think clearly about all the options.


Hi Shaya, yes, I'm male and gay, it's also a matter of being realistic. I'm able to deal with my partner having sex without emotional attachment, but as a sporadic behaviour, not a basis of the sexual life, which happened at some point with the partner 1 and was really painful.

I'm actually quite conscious about my fears and their sources (had to face them all while opening the relationship no. 1, there are some abandonment issues), and I've been working on them basically every day since then. Still doesn't work with the polyamory, only getting worse...

My problem with the polyamory is also about focus, at some point I started to perceive both relations as "primary" as I felt that making hierarchies is unfair. I thought that maybe if I made them equal then it would somehow work for me and for my partners. The problem is that at the same moment I really like the mono model with the level of commitment, exclusivity etc, it simply makes me happy. So I ended up having something what in my mind looks like a "double-mono" relationship and I feel that it causes a constant internal conflict, also fills up all the mental space I would normally have for friends and other forms of social interaction, now it's really stifled.

EDIT: Formulating it in a different way: I think that the minimum amount of commitment, intimacy, time spent together etc to call a relationship fulfilling and satysfying is for me too high, to be able to run 2 at the some moment and have space for myself, my work (which is also highly intellectually and emotionaly demanding) and all the other aspects of life.
 
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Hi mnply,

You come across as a person with a lot of self awareness, just conflicted and afraid of the road ahead. You make a strong case to go monogamous.

I'm curious regarding the gay community. How common are open arrangements? If you wanted strict monogamy with someone else as Kevin suggested, would there be gay males who would be open to that and intend to stick by those rules for life (with the usual proviso that nobody in a monogamous relationship can swear to monogamy for life, as evidenced by the divorce rate)?
 
mnply said:
EDIT: Formulating it in a different way: I think that the minimum amount of commitment, intimacy, time spent together etc to call a relationship fulfilling and satysfying is for me too high, to be able to run 2 at the some moment and have space for myself, my work (which is also highly intellectually and emotionaly demanding) and all the other aspects of life.
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I totally get this. It's the conclusion that I came to myself, for me, early in my poly journey. I was in a triad for while. That worked well for me because I was able to share time/space with both my loves. That would be my preferred shape for relationships. Just it feels a bit like lightning strikes-unlikely to happen again. A fwb worked ok for a bit, too.

In theory, I'm with you...I prefer the idea of non-hierarchical, multiple primary relationships...and allowing the relationships to define their own shapes. In practice, that was too draining for me. In theory, my preference is also autonomy...that is, that all participants can act on attractions as they see fit (within safer sex guidelines). In practice, the processing was too difficult for me. I can blame it on my demanding career, single parenting, etc, but in the end, it's just not how I'm wired. Much like some of us are more extroverted, I believe some of us are wired to easily juggle multiple relationships...for those people, it doesn't matter how demanding the remainder of their lives are, poly fits. I am not one of those people. It seems neither are you. And that's ok. We are who we are :)
 
Shaya, I don't know the statistics and it for sure depends on the country, size of the city etc. From what I can see around - the open relationships are slowly becoming a default model of a relationship, but rather in the DADT version than the one based on open communication and honesty. Polyamory is still quite uncommon, it happens rather in more anarchists circles (even there not that often though) than in the mainstream. There is still many monogamous couples though, no idea what is the exact proportion.

PinkPig, It's super nice to know that someone fells in a similar way, I'm also starting to think that at the end it's just about who we are, especially if the way of experiencing relationships is coherent with the rest of the personality. Can I ask what's the form of your relationship now if there's any? Did you stay poly?
 
mnply said:
PinkPig, It's super nice to know that someone fells in a similar way, I'm also starting to think that at the end it's just about who we are, especially if the way of experiencing relationships is coherent with the rest of the personality. Can I ask what's the form of your relationship now if there's any? Did you stay poly?
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I'm single. I've been dating some, but I'm not one to actively look for relationships or use dating websites (too exhausting for me.) For now, I just want to date around...no exclusive dating. I've never really dated much so this is a new experience :) I definitely wouldn't call it poly though, because I'm not looking for any type of committed relationship at the moment, let alone more than one, lol.

Blue & I are still friends...and that's what we'll remain.
 
I've had some time to dig a bit in my psyche and I feel like I need to vent it out, hope you don't mind... Discovered that my feelings towards the both boyfriends are totally (but I'm not surprised actually...) monoamorous in their structure, which means that when I think about each of the partners, I feel that I want to be ONLY with him, have sex ONLY with him etc, but then there is also another partner, which creates the conflict. I'd actually knew or rather felt that before, but I was so busy trying to be successfully and non-hierarchically poly, that I didn't really name those feelings. In fact, it looks like I found a way to be able to do the poly for so long by leading a "double mono" life which started to be totally schizophrenic in the last half a year, when the bond with the partner 2 became much stronger and we started to act more like a couple not only on the purely emotional level, but also in the social context, so while meeting with friends, making plans, spending significantly more time together. Even though I was very happy about it, as it was a consequence of the partner 1's super succesful dealing with his jealousy, I think that this is another significant factor which made the situation extremely difficult to handle for me. The other tricky aspect is that they're both very different which makes them somehow complementary; 1 is chaotic, creative, challenging social structures, our views on the reality are very similar. 2 has both feet on te ground, is responsible, sticks to the rules, but it somehow makes me safe, attaches me more to the reality. He's also very responsive to my needs which wasn't the case in the relationship with the partner 1 at all till some point. So at the end, choosing between them seems to be exactly as hard as keeping the poly situation running, and breaking up with both is even beyond my imagination. It's really paralysing...
 
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