Hi everyone, I am new here, and new to polyamory in general.
I know most people advise against mono/poly relationships, but I could really use some advice. Apologies for it being long. I’m 55f, my gf is 40f, and we’ve been together for 20y. Over the past few years, we’ve often role-played non-monogamous scenarios and talked about which women we find attractive, who we might date if we weren’t together, etc. Honestly, I thought it was just part of our sex life and never realized where it might lead. I’m on the neurodiversity spectrum, which might explain some of that.
Some time ago, my gf told me she was developing feelings for a friend (40f). It turned out my gf thought I was okay with that because of all our roleplay and conversations. But I was not, and my initial reaction was really rough. She was ready to stay monogamous with me to make me happier, but she was clearly in great distress because of it. Eventually I decided to try a mono/poly setup.
I know people often say these relationships are doomed, but I’m still hoping we can make it work. We’ve done a lot of reading (Polysecure, Love in Abundance, Open Monogamy). Turns out we’d already done a lot of natural disentangling. We have separate friend groups, we take separate holidays, and we have our own bedrooms and workspaces (partly because of health and work reasons). Still, our relationship is really close and tender.
We’ve talked through a lot of things, and there’s genuine compassion both ways. I’ve worked with my therapist on my jealousy, and we traced it back to my anxious attachment and some old relationship trauma. I also know my meta, and we actually have mutual respect, which helps.
For now, we’re doing parallel poly, not because I dislike my meta, but because seeing them together still triggers me. Maybe down the line we’ll be able to move towards something like garden table polyamory.
That said, it’s still really hard, for a few reasons. First, deep down, I feel like anything other than monogamy just isn’t right for me. I totally get that it works for others, but I don’t want to date anyone else myself, and reading posts here about mono/poly just makes me feel hopeless.
Second, I’m perimenopausal, and struggling with accepting my ageing body and health changes. Even though my gf tells me I’m beautiful and sexy and our sex life is still great, the fact that she has someone new makes me feel unattractive and unworthy. My meta is my gf's age, so I cannot help but feel that my gf was attracted to her because of it. Third, I feel ashamed at the idea of people finding out we have polyamory. We’ve kind of been seen as a model couple among our friends, and to admit we have an open relationship feels to me like admitting something’s broken in our relationship, even though I know it’s not that.
If anyone’s been through something similar, I’d really appreciate any advice on how to handle it. And if you’ve had positive mono/poly experiences, please share. I could really use some hope and perspective right now.
I know most people advise against mono/poly relationships, but I could really use some advice. Apologies for it being long. I’m 55f, my gf is 40f, and we’ve been together for 20y. Over the past few years, we’ve often role-played non-monogamous scenarios and talked about which women we find attractive, who we might date if we weren’t together, etc. Honestly, I thought it was just part of our sex life and never realized where it might lead. I’m on the neurodiversity spectrum, which might explain some of that.
Some time ago, my gf told me she was developing feelings for a friend (40f). It turned out my gf thought I was okay with that because of all our roleplay and conversations. But I was not, and my initial reaction was really rough. She was ready to stay monogamous with me to make me happier, but she was clearly in great distress because of it. Eventually I decided to try a mono/poly setup.
I know people often say these relationships are doomed, but I’m still hoping we can make it work. We’ve done a lot of reading (Polysecure, Love in Abundance, Open Monogamy). Turns out we’d already done a lot of natural disentangling. We have separate friend groups, we take separate holidays, and we have our own bedrooms and workspaces (partly because of health and work reasons). Still, our relationship is really close and tender.
We’ve talked through a lot of things, and there’s genuine compassion both ways. I’ve worked with my therapist on my jealousy, and we traced it back to my anxious attachment and some old relationship trauma. I also know my meta, and we actually have mutual respect, which helps.
For now, we’re doing parallel poly, not because I dislike my meta, but because seeing them together still triggers me. Maybe down the line we’ll be able to move towards something like garden table polyamory.
That said, it’s still really hard, for a few reasons. First, deep down, I feel like anything other than monogamy just isn’t right for me. I totally get that it works for others, but I don’t want to date anyone else myself, and reading posts here about mono/poly just makes me feel hopeless.
Second, I’m perimenopausal, and struggling with accepting my ageing body and health changes. Even though my gf tells me I’m beautiful and sexy and our sex life is still great, the fact that she has someone new makes me feel unattractive and unworthy. My meta is my gf's age, so I cannot help but feel that my gf was attracted to her because of it. Third, I feel ashamed at the idea of people finding out we have polyamory. We’ve kind of been seen as a model couple among our friends, and to admit we have an open relationship feels to me like admitting something’s broken in our relationship, even though I know it’s not that.
If anyone’s been through something similar, I’d really appreciate any advice on how to handle it. And if you’ve had positive mono/poly experiences, please share. I could really use some hope and perspective right now.
