Mono/Poly relationship

[Mormorussy]

At the start, im sorry if my English is bad or confusing. it's not my first language.

2 months ago, my girlfriend told me that she might be poly. It was hard for me because I really didn't know what should I do. I was lost. We are almost 3 years with each other. I was scared if I say that I don't know how I feel about it she would try to hide this part of herself. So I lied that I'm totally okay with that and say that she happy. Days passed and I was drowned in my thoughts and emotions. My mood really started to show up and she picked it up. Later, after emotional talk, we were sorry that one side didn't tell about how it feel, and another about making sure we talk about boundaries.

She talked with her therapist, which is poly, and she recommended us book to read, mostly the chapter about boundaries. But it kinda made things worse for me, because there was a chapter about mono/poly relationship and it was good looking. It was really about narrative that this kind of relationship don't really work, and it made me think more and more, and just made me stress more.

It was hard, but I propose a boundary about sexual relationship, that the intimacy we held would be between us. And she agreed and for a few minutes I had a steady ground to work on. Then she said that she began a new relationship with one guy. I knew that this would happen sooner or later, but it was hard that this happened before we make our relationship steady to some point.

We both don't want to end our relationship. I try to make this work. I try to read and learn about all of this stuff, but it's so hard. My mind is racing all the time. I can't stop overthinking. I'm just scared and jealous. I don't want to be the reason of ending anything. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Again, I'm really sorry if this don't really make sense.

 

[Evie]

It does make sense and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Even in a mono-poly relationship, the mono person has to have a mindset that they are supportive of the poly person having multiple, equitable, romantic relationships. Honestly, it's one thing to say "I'm poly because I want to have multiple relationships" but to be able to say, "I'm comfortable with my partner having other partners" is just as defining.

In my opinion, someone is probably poly by orientation if they can say both.

First up, sometimes open for both can look like one sided open. My husband and I have been open for a while now and he's had one girlfriend in that time. After they drifted apart, he's not been actively dating, which may change in the future. But our mindset is open for both of us.

Second, if that book told you that you can make a boundary about her not having sex with someone else, then the book has woefully misrepresented boundaries.

"I don't want you to have sex with another person," is a statement but requires no action from the other person.

"You must not have sex with another person" is a rule, and rules get broken really easily.

"If you have sex with another person, I won't have sex with you until you've had a shower/it's a different day/etc." is you articulating your own actions. Boundaries can look like ultimatums when voiced, and ultimately they are. They are for us, the person making them. They are us articulating the ways we want to be treated, and the ways we will treat ourselves. We may not say every single boundary aloud. But there are many we have just from our values we absorbed growing up.

I always had a boundary, that if a man hit me, I would leave him. I wish I had learned earlier that it doesn't need physical violence to leave a situation that isn't working for me. I learned that the hard way.

Third, if you're going to become in any way comfortable with her dating, falling in love with, having sex with, being in a relationship with, and many more follow on aspects besides (property, children, family gatherings), then you will likely need to examine your core beliefs around adult relationships. Monogamy is not necessarily the natural state of being, but in most countries it is the vat majority of how people are brought up and internalise for themselves. There are many historical, religious and legal background reasons to this, including inheritance (long before modern law) and morality discourses.

There's also a scarcity mindset around love and meeting "the one" - also rooted in religious beliefs that go all the way back to the Adam and Eve creation story. But in a world of 8 million people, there's going to be more than one person who is attractive/lovable. We see this in serial monogamy. In polyamory, though, you don't need to break up with one person in order to have a relationship with another. So long as the relationship partners are okay with that. Kinda seems like the real poly people are the people who are fine without monogamy, doesn't it? That's perhaps why mono-poly relationships are touted not to work, because everyone in that relationship is actually poly, whether they are dating or not. Being poly is very much about letting go of the tenets of monogamy, even if you aren't the one dating.

This can be extremely difficult if it wasn't your idea. But not impossible if you're willing to examine where your belief in monogamy came from, and if those beliefs are adjustable, or not. And you don't have to rush this process. And sometimes a therapist can help you examine your beliefs about any given situation. Or there are ways to do this yourself:

And when we find those core beliefs, if they are negatively impacting us, we can rewrite them. And if they are a net good for us, we can uphold them.

I want to assure you that you are not powerless in this situation. You do have agency over your thoughts and actions if you work at that agency. Including the agency to walk away with your head held high if you really find that this attempt at a polyamorous relationship is absolutely untenable for you.

 

[Mormorussy]

About the boundary with sex, if i can call it like this, it started cause when she was talking about the situation with her therapist, she told her that boundaries like that are valid and okay, unless both sides agree on them. Even tho I said that I want to put this as a boundary for now, I felt bad, cause i know that the relationship with the other person will evolve like relationships do, and even tho my girlfriend said that for now she only have a romantic relationship with them, she suggested that it will maybe change over time. I feel bad about putting this as boundary, even if she agreed, cause I feel that by doing that I take a part of something.

And just the fact that she agreed on it like instantly was odd to me. I don't know how to put these emotions in words. After all of this stuff happened, I started reading, watching videos about polyamory. Before, I knew people which were in poly relationships and seen it in lots of media (with better or worse representation) and I understand it as a concept. But the fact that I was fed for so many years with the stories about one true love and happy endings, it's kinda hard to swap. I want to change my mindset for her. I want it to click and work stuff out, but it's hard... and I don't know how to process and I'm not really in position now to go to therapy ;<


But I'm really grateful for your reply. <33

 

[Evie]

Yes, if both people agree, it is an "agreement". If you temporarily have an agreement around sex with other people, that's normal, so long as it's realised that that agreement will need updating in due course.

Of course there is a chance she will not keep the agreement in the heat of a moment, and that's why it's not a particularly helpful agreement since is has started seeing someone.

For many, it is very hard to swap from the one person happily ever after narrative we were brought up with, for others it's easy. For some it just takes time and patience with oneself, and finding the right resources.

You could set yourself a time limit, and if you aren't noticing meaningful progress towards polyamory within yourself, and thus are confident you only want to live monogamously, then you know you have given it a real go but it's not for you. Because that's okay too, it's not for everyone. It's then that you would end this current relationship so you can find someone with the compatible relationship style.

 

[Tinwen]

And just the fact that she agreed on it like instantly was odd to me.

Yup. She probably was worried about what she had to tell you next - about already having a prospect - so she agreed without second thought.

These boundaries are also problematic, because did the third person involved agree? No. If they want to kiss her, will she tell him that she promised she won't? How long are they supposed to wait?

You should certainly talk more. You both seem to be in the habit of not being completely honest about your feelings, that has to go.

In fact, if she's only had one date or so and isn't falling madly for the guy, perhaps you could ask her to hold off on action for a couple more months while you do more talking.

Also, I always recommend meeting some actual poly people. Find a local meeting group if there is one. Just go to a meet-up and talk.

Btw., were you monogamous to the point of hiding any attraction you might feel to others? why don't you start your poly journey by telling her about the girls that catch your eye? Just talk and try to find the nice bits.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Mormorussy,

If it is okay for your girlfriend to tell you she feels like she might be poly, it is okay for you to tell her you don't know how to feel about that. This is called honesty and transparency in communication, and it is vital in any relationship. You don't say, "Okay dear, I am totally supportive of that," just because that's what she wants to hear. You tell her the truth.

It sounds like things are moving too fast for you. It sounds like your girlfriend is growing another relationship with a new fellow before you are ready. You need to tell her to slow down. You are trying to be okay with poly on her side, but you can't just do it at the snap of her fingers. These things take time. Do not let her push you into something for which you are not ready.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.