I don't know it if helps any but this is what sticks out for me reading your story.
I am paraphrasing.
- You are mono. He is poly.
- After a lot of stuff, you told him you each were different people and that was ok. But it seems like you can't figure out how to be different people but work together (romantically/married, etc).
- You were ready to call it quits.
- He's temporarily stepped some things up.
- You are uncertain.
If that is the case? Well, why not STOP being romantic/married people then?
Be good exes and friends and coparents instead. Trade the ill fitting marriage model in for a relationship shape that fits you guys better?
I couldn't give him what he needed and he wasn't giving me what I needed.
Could work to accept you are not deeply compatible and not be dragging this out more than needed.
I needed to have a say in what happens because it is my life.
So why aren't you doing it? You ARE the author of your life. Why pick writing the story like this?
I loved him and while it made me extremely uncomfortable and brought up a lot of demons I felt if I truly loved him then I would at least put in the effort to try to move out of my comfort zone
How does this show you expressing love for YOURSELF? Are you not able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me?"
Because you were doing stuff you do not want (ex: group sex) and it ended up hurting you, and now you have anger stuff.
Why bend yourself into pretzels like this rather than take the ill fitting marriage coat off? And reach for a relationship shape you both can wear and BOTH feel ok in?
That we had been through too much and created too much to let it go over sex.
It's not letting the marriage go over sex. It accepting
fundamental incompatibility.
Maybe "good exes and friends" is a more loving way to coexist. Then you are free from the stuff you do not want -- poly, group sex, stress, anger, being put down because you are "weird" to want monogamy, etc. (sounds like he's getting frustrated/angry too. It doesn't make it ok to put you down. But if people are getting angry? It's a flag emotion that this is NOT the way to go. Rather than ignore it, could LISTEN to your feelings. )
I felt a lot of compromise on my part but not really understanding where the compromise was on his.
I think you are
compromising your values. You value monogamy, but you do not practice it. You don't want group sex, but you do it anyway. How does this behavior demonstrate kindness and love toward
yourself?
How can you feel proud when you do that behavior? And hold yourself in high esteem for doing it? You mentioned being insecure -- how does doing this help with that?
I see where you want him to accept you as you are and that you are different people.
Where is YOUR acceptance of yourself? And that you are different people? Why "pretzel" yourself into shapes that are ill fitting?
People sometimes are all "save the marriage!" when it could be "Save the people!" Marriage is a relationship shape -- it's not a person with feelings. The PEOPLE are the people with feelings. Save them instead.
Coming to compromise? That's for small stuff you don't care too much about. If me and a kid want the last popsicle? We can come to compromise. We share it. And after dinner we go get another box. Then we can have another whole one each. Each side gives up something, and does NOT get what they really want for now. Then gets it later. But it feels ok because overall? Not a huge deal.
Here? You giving up monogamy (which is what you want) and doing group sex (that you don't really want to be doing?) That's not giving up small stuff for now. Those are major things. I would like to think you value yourself and your well being highly.
What you have been doing? Is that being true to yourself and the things you value? Not really. If the result of doing all that stuff leaves you feeling angry and ugh? Stop doing it.
I think you have strayed from your core values. Could stop doing that stuff, and be more authentic to YOUR values.
And him? He doesn't sound like he wants group sex either. He sounds like he wants to date other people. For companionship, for sex. I think he's telling you whatever you want to hear in the moment because he's scared the end is coming, he doesn't want you to dump him. I get that -- change is scary. So for now he minimizes and talks about pulling back. But really? If he shrinks himself into an ill fitting box too?
Now there TWO people in an ill fitting box/coat/situation. How did that improve anything?
He doesn't get what he
really wants and values either. He wants full poly.
I think it would be more honest to admit you guys did not talk about all the things well during the Engagement time to see that you were deeply compatible. It sounds like initially, ok, but not deeply.
Don't wait for him to compromise his values too.
You feel angry at him and angry at yourself having done that. What good would it do to have both partners on the angry pile?
I suspect he'd end up at the same place if he starts doing that -- compromising his values. Angry at you like you can't give him the full poly thing he wants, and angry at himself for putting him in this place.
If this is already circling the drain and you were thinking of leaving before? I suggest changing the conversation to "save the people."
Stop trying to save an ill fitting marriage.
Because if you fight about that? It could RUIN the chance at parting ways with grace on that level, and remaining together as good exes and friends and coparents.
Fight enough and have an ugly break up? Then THAT chance flies out the window too.
Since you claim to love him? Save the people! Save the relationship shapes you CAN maybe wear together and be ok in. Don't do all this crazy to save the relationship shape that is like a bad fitting coat! For what?
I still don't know if I can do this but I love us and our family enough to try.
But you don't love your family enough to SKIP dragging it out? You have BEEN trying.
No matter what happens I want him to feel he has support from me and love from me to be who he wants to be.
That can still happen if the shape changes from (married) to (good exes, friends, and coparents.)
I love him enough to let him go, though I'll never leave him, instead of imprisoning him and making him suffer the rest of his life.
What are you saying there? That you will imprison him AND you in this ill fittting marriage? The marriage has to keep going even if it kills you both inside? At that point to me the marriage is spiritually dead anyway. Like just going through the motions.
You only get the one life. It's not a dress rehearsal. And life is LONG. You want to live yours like THAT?
So I'm trying. I'm trying all that I can to understand and be open minded while at the same time nurture myself and my feelings and get what I need out of life too instead of sacrificing myself.
How about you meet your needs,
don't sacrifice yourself?
Either of those scenarios ends in misery.
Why does it have to end in misery? You are not willing to part ways and be friends?
So you are free FROM all this poly stuff and group sex stuff you do not really want.
And he is free TO pursue that stuff.
And both can be good exes and friends who coparent.
And then hopefully BOTH of you get this:
- He has support from you and love from you (as good exes and coparents) to be who he wants to be.
- You have support from him and love from him (as good exes and coparents) to be who you want to be.
No more banging head on walls or trying to pretzel yourself into shapes you just are NOT.
How is that misery?
Could go ahead and do the mono-poly relationship. From the place of being good exes and friends who
co-parent. That is an intimate relationship.
There's no law that says you HAVE to be doing mono-poly as a
married couple dating each other and THAT is the intimate relationship that has to be happening.
I think if you move toward being more authentic YOU, the anger would fade and you'd be more at peace.
Galagirl