Mono with Poly wife

B

BleedingLove

New member
Well as the title suggests, I would not identify myself as Poly but my wife recently has come out to me about herself feeling the need to be.
I cant say that I did not see this coming looking back over the course of our relationship, and more specifically our marriage. We have been together for almost 7 years, married for 4 and a half, and have a 7 month old daughter.

I am currently struggling with jealousy issues over the individuals that she is speaking to (not dating, just has a few guys interested). We have an amazing sex life, and are very happily married. This has been a huge transition and she thinks that I should attempt the lifestyle as well, and though it does intrigue me, I don't feel the same pull that she does.

I look forward to hearing from you all and to learning about this community.
 
I was in a similar boat. Mono with a wife who came out as poly. We never opened, because I could never bring myself to do it. Do you have a specific outcome? Would you prefer to stay closed, or does ultimately being open appeal to you?
 
CTF said:
I was in a similar boat. Mono with a wife who came out as poly. We never opened, because I could never bring myself to do it. Do you have a specific outcome? Would you prefer to stay closed, or does ultimately being open appeal to you?
Click to expand...

We are currently exploring being open. I know that my wife loves our child and myself very much, so for her to ask this of me and to potentially jeopardize our marriage, I know that this is something that she feels very strongly about. I am struggling with it, but my wife and I are meeting a lady that I have interest in tomorrow. I am supporting her in this 100% and trying it for myself. I dont want to hold back, and I dont want her to feel as though I am.
 
It's great that you are willing to consider this and have an open mind, but I strongly suggest you take it slowly. Consider all the options, potential complications, repercussions, and especially feelings - whether or not you decide to go through with this, whether you participate and date also, or only your wife does.

If you really prefer to be mono, can she live with that? Could you be happy if you don't participate, and let her pursue this? Even if you both do this, can you handle it if she has more partners, more often, than you do?

Personally, my main issue is one of time. Yes, there is more love and more lovers, but time spent away with someone else is time not spent together. There are tradeoffs. I also have some difficulty dealing with imbalances, when my partner has partners, and I do not - I can get over it, but it often does not balance out in the long run. That's okay, but you have to be okay with it, too.
 
Greetings BleedingLove,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There's definitely such a thing as mono/poly couples, so if you prefer to stay monogamous even while your wife is polyamorous, you can certainly do that. It's up to you.

Hopefully the advice you are receiving is helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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BleedingLove said:
We are currently exploring being open. I know that my wife loves our child and myself very much, so for her to ask this of me and to potentially jeopardize our marriage, I know that this is something that she feels very strongly about. I am struggling with it, but my wife and I are meeting a lady that I have interest in tomorrow. I am supporting her in this 100% and trying it for myself. I dont want to hold back, and I dont want her to feel as though I am.
Click to expand...

I bolded the above because it seems like a red flag. So far, your wife hasn't met anyone to date herself. She is chatting with a few guys.

How did you find this woman you are interested in? Are you both on a dating site? Is that how your wife started chatting with a few guys?

This woman you are meeting (perhaps have now met), is she interested in just dating you? Or are you and your wife attempting a triad right out of the gate? Do you expect the women to be attracted to each other? Do you expect threesome sex?

Have you read Opening Up, or More Than Two?

Having your wife meet a woman YOU are casually interested in on a first date isn't such a great idea. It comes across as couple-centric. The new woman is faced with this bonded unit of husband/wife. It can feel off-putting. Or if new woman really wants a triad, I'd question her as to why. Sometimes women putting themselves out there as unicorns have issues... She may be bi and think she is getting two for one, but relationships between any two people always develop at different speeds, and that can be very hard to navigate, expecially for newbies.

Is your wife bi? Is the new woman bi? If both are straight, there is no need to meet new woman as a couple. Do you plan on going on all the first dates your wife has with other men? Why or why not?
 
All really great questions. I have learned alot in the last week or so since I first started posting here and still know I do not have the answers to all of my questions, nor yours potentially.

We actually didn't end up meeting with her because scheduling went awry. Neither my wife nor I were really that let down. My wife is openly bisexual and has said that if I meet anyone they need to be comfortable with/around her in case we ever want to try a threesome again, but at the very minimum just wants to be able to talk with the woman and establish a friendship so that she feels she can trust them.

We did finally meet one of the men that my wife has been communicating with, and though I still have a ton of nerves, and my anxiety has been through the roof, it went well. He brought his wife along (his wife is strictly mono) and we all had a great evening out. They have both been very caring and understanding of my relationship and are really trying to make my introduction to the Poly life a positive one. His wife has been especially kind knowing how I feel on the more "mono" side.

I am torn on what I personally want now. I still get anxious when my wife talks about it, and I am anxious for their first date coming up in a couple of days. Right now I have stopped talking to any women and am trying to build a better me before I go any further.

I am also looking into "More than two", it was recommended to me by my wifes current interest.
 
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