Monogam-ish/Sexually Open Relationship

Czeverny90

New member
No, you are fine, venting is one of the appropriate uses for this board. As far as I am concerned, you are doing fine.

I think the pertinent thing here, is, not whether he is feeling better at the moment, nor whether you should be happy for him right now, but rather, that you are (or were) stuck in a dysfunctional cycle with him, and you know what happens next. He feels better for awhile, then he gets the itch again, and consequently develops a shitty attitude about everything, including rejecting you. You know this, you are anticipating this, and you don't want to go there again. Something inside you has snapped. You have gone around in this merry-go-round one too many times. Something needs to change. If he won't change, then you have a hard decision to make about whether you want to stay with him -- whether that is even healthy for you.

I'm sorry I'm speaking so harshly of him, such was not my original intent. I'm sure he has many good qualities, and that the two of you are good for each other in many ways. But it saddens me to see you repeatedly hurt. I am sure that you deserve better.
Yeah I don't think it was healthy for me...I think I just need to tell myself to be strong and that I'll get over this. It's even harder when living together I guess. Thank you for your comment!
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
There's some sort of intrusive thought in my mind right now saying that maybe I should've just been happy he was feeling better as he had his hook-up instead of feeling so bad and breaking up. Sorry maybe this is not the place to vent this much. I am not sure about the rules here.
The forum rules are that you can speak whatever is on your mind as long as you're respectful of others on the forum. Please take this discussion in any direction you choose. This discussion is for you.

As Kevin points out, your BF is feeling better until he isn't - and then you're both back in the same place where your BF is managing his unease with sex and you're managing your unease with worry and fear. Again, I encourage you to learn more about addiction and co-addcit relationships. There are many reasons that you're drawn to someone who has trouble managing his emotional life. If you look back, you're likely to find many of your current feelings in previous relationships and family connections. Your BF has whatever issues he has but opting out of his company won't get to the heart of why you were drawn to him to begin with. Take time to move through the separation process, but then consider looking into what pre-dated his presence in your life. Nobody is drawn to addiction cycles who doesn't have pre-exisiting emotional conditions that make the partner appear to be attractive and familiar. You can do so much to change the kind of relationships you're drawn to so that you experience healthier and more fulfilling love attachments as life goes on.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I think one problem is that you 2 went from living long distance to living together! A better idea, if he wanted to move to be nearer, would have been to live near each other, but apart, and start normal dating. It seems to me your partner wasn't really ready for full on living together.

Maybe if you got your own places, you could still date him from time to time, as one of his partners, not his nesting partner. Then you wouldn't need to be so aware of his issues, his emotions, when he wants or needs more variety (for whatever reason).

I think of the usefulness of variety in our lives. If we eat a large amount of one food, we get full, we say we couldn't eat another bite. But if we are offered a different food (with different nutritional value), we suddenly have an appetite.

If a male rat has intercourse with one female, he will finally leave her, satiated. But if he is put with another female, he will become aroused again and eager to have sex. And the pattern will repeat, and he will fuck one female after another, until he is well and truly exhausted. This is nature's way of getting as much of his DNA out there as possible.
 

Czeverny90

New member
The forum rules are that you can speak whatever is on your mind as long as you're respectful of others on the forum. Please take this discussion in any direction you choose. This discussion is for you.

As Kevin points out, your BF is feeling better until he isn't - and then you're both back in the same place where your BF is managing his unease with sex and you're managing your unease with worry and fear. Again, I encourage you to learn more about addiction and co-addcit relationships. There are many reasons that you're drawn to someone who has trouble managing his emotional life. If you look back, you're likely to find many of your current feelings in previous relationships and family connections. Your BF has whatever issues he has but opting out of his company won't get to the heart of why you were drawn to him to begin with. Take time to move through the separation process, but then consider looking into what pre-dated his presence in your life. Nobody is drawn to addiction cycles who doesn't have pre-exisiting emotional conditions that make the partner appear to be attractive and familiar. You can do so much to change the kind of relationships you're drawn to so that you experience healthier and more fulfilling love attachments as life goes on.
Yes, I'll talk to my therapist about that! She thinks people are dynamic so it's just important that they show change, which I believe too...but I guess what my partner changed wasn't enough. Anyway thank you for your insight
 

Czeverny90

New member
I think one problem is that you 2 went from living long distance to living together! A better idea, if he wanted to move to be nearer, would have been to live near each other, but apart, and start normal dating. It seems to me your partner wasn't really ready for full on living together.

Maybe if you got your own places, you could still date him from time to time, as one of his partners, not his nesting partner. Then you wouldn't need to be so aware of his issues, his emotions, when he wants or needs more variety (for whatever reason).

I think of the usefulness of variety in our lives. If we eat a large amount of one food, we get full, we say we couldn't eat another bite. But if we are offered a different food (with different nutritional value), we suddenly have an appetite.

If a male rat has intercourse with one female, he will finally leave her, satiated. But if he is put with another female, he will become aroused again and eager to have sex. And the pattern will repeat, and he will fuck one female after another, until he is well and truly exhausted. This is nature's way of getting as much of his DNA out there as possible.
Definitely that was one of the issues, but we decided to live together because it was easier that way on so many other levels (financial, practical) and he doesn't know anyone here. Also he wanted to live together, for me it was all very new because it was my first time to live with a partner while at least he was coming from a relationship where they cohabitated for several years. I had to adjust a lot as it was hard for me at first to not feel dependent in a way. Anyway now it seems over so no point in thinking too much about the past. Still, thank you so much for your comment! It is interesting also in understanding the sexual desire better
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Sorry to hear that this took a turn for the worse but, on the flip side, there's a whole new world open to you. Taking what you've learned about yourself from this situation, would you say that you're in a better position to wade back out into the dating world or a worse one? You've got the option to continue on with a ploy lifestyle or return to monogamy. Which do you think you'll choose? I'm just curious.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Definitely that was one of the issues, but we decided to live together because it was easier that way on so many other levels (financial, practical) and he doesn't know anyone here. Also he wanted to live together, for me it was all very new because it was my first time to live with a partner while at least he was coming from a relationship where they cohabitated for several years. I had to adjust a lot as it was hard for me at first to not feel dependent in a way. Anyway now it seems over so no point in thinking too much about the past. Still, thank you so much for your comment! It is interesting also in understanding the sexual desire better
Of course there's the financial aspect, but that's never a good reason to live with a virtual stranger with whom you are emotionally entangled. I think it was too much, too soon. My partner and I dated longish distance, 20 miles apart, for 2.5 years, before deciding to move in together. We'd both just come out of other long term relationships when we'd met. So the independent living was good for us, even though neither of us had tons of money either. Quite the contrary.

We waited until our NRE had worn off, and certain issues that developed were better understood and dealt with. That usually takes 2 years.

Again, I think it's wrong to assume, without knowing the guy, that he's an "addict." That's a pretty heavy label to throw around.

Did he move into your place? Is he moving out soon? Did you have a big fight? Who decided it was over?
 

Czeverny90

New member
Of course there's the financial aspect, but that's never a good reason to live with a virtual stranger with whom you are emotionally entangled. I think it was too much, too soon. My partner and I dated longish distance, 20 miles apart, for 2.5 years, before deciding to move in together. We'd both just come out of other long term relationships when we'd met. So the independent living was good for us, even though neither of us had tons of money either. Quite the contrary.

We waited until our NRE had worn off, and certain issues that developed were better understood and dealt with. That usually takes 2 years.

Again, I think it's wrong to assume, without knowing the guy, that he's an "addict." That's a pretty heavy label to throw around.

Did he move into your place? Is he moving out soon? Did you have a big fight? Who decided it was over?
Yeah it's just that he was unemployed when he moved here of course, and with no many savings. Anyway, yeah it might have been wiser to try and do that but I'm a firm believer of the motto "what's done is done" :)

Wow that's a lot of questions lol we moved to a new place together. He's planning on moving out in about two weeks. We both talked and I was the one who indicated first it was hard to continue like that, while I can't obliterate all the good moments. He then said he wanted to leave. Addict is indeed a big word, we can say he has a compulsive tendency when it comes to sex with multiple partners which causes him suffering. Many experts in psychology don't believe it's correct to talk about addiction when it comes to sex. I think it depends on the case...
 

Czeverny90

New member
Sorry to hear that this took a turn for the worse but, on the flip side, there's a whole new world open to you. Taking what you've learned about yourself from this situation, would you say that you're in a better position to wade back out into the dating world or a worse one? You've got the option to continue on with a ploy lifestyle or return to monogamy. Which do you think you'll choose? I'm just curious.
I have no idea to be honest :( I think I am open to a mostly monogamous relationship with very occasional extra-dyadic sex and only for fun/experience of course not because they're sick of the relationship or something, otherwise that's another issue lol
 

BrokenArrow

Member
I have no idea to be honest :( I think I am open to a mostly monogamous relationship with very occasional extra-dyadic sex and only for fun/experience of course not because they're sick of the relationship or something, otherwise that's another issue lol
Probably a good idea to avoid another situation like that. I appreciate you taking the time to answer!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Yeah it's just that he was unemployed when he moved here of course, and with no many savings. Anyway, yeah it might have been wiser to try and do that but I'm a firm believer of the motto "what's done is done" :)
Sure, it seems to be "done." I was just discussing your (plural) mistake and how doing it differently might have prevented the crash and burn. And like Broken Arrow said, it's important to learn from each relationship so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

I can see he was a big risk for you. You overlooked the fact that he hadn't lined up a job before the move, had no savings to live on, etc. But the young don't often think far ahead. As I used to say about my Aries daughter, it was: "Ready! fire! aim!" Oops.

And now he's turned out to have a need for variety and seemingly unable to have a mature, rather committed relationship. He hooked you, he caught you, he lived off your funds, he moved on. Ugh.
Wow that's a lot of questions lol we moved to a new place together. He's planning on moving out in about two weeks. We both talked and I was the one who indicated first it was hard to continue like that, while I can't obliterate all the good moments. He then said he wanted to leave.
Well, that's all too bad. But I'm glad you didn't let it drag on and on. I assume he's got a job and some money for his own place now. Buh bye.

Addict is indeed a big word, we can say he has a compulsive tendency when it comes to sex with multiple partners which causes him suffering. Many experts in psychology don't believe it's correct to talk about addiction when it comes to sex. I think it depends on the case...
I think a 30 something guy who is openly having multiple hookups isn't necessarily an addict just because he tires of having a nesting partner.

I guess I'm a bit sensitive to this because when my partner and I were working on issues, she once accused me of being a sex addict because I wanted sex every day, or at least 3x a week, and she only wanted it once a week. A high libido can be a blessing and a curse.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I should've just been happy he was feeling better as he had his hook-up instead of feeling so bad and breaking up. Sorry maybe this is not the place to vent this much. I am not sure about the rules here.

It is possible to feel several things at the same time.

You might feel glad for him that he was feeling better after his hook up. While at the same time coming to realize that for YOU over the long haul? You don't actually enjoy participating like THIS. Deciding to end it, and then feel sad about that part of it.

Give yourself time to grieve. Later you can assess what you have learned from the experience and how it might help you moving forward. For now maybe just basic self care and rest. It's ok to take your time. Also ok to use your thread how you want it to be.

Galagirl
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
I guess I'm a bit sensitive to this because when my partner and I were working on issues, she once accused me of being a sex addict because I wanted sex every day, or at least 3x a week, and she only wanted it once a week. A high libido can be a blessing and a curse.
In and of itself, desiring frequent sex is absolutely no indication of an addiction. Just to clarify.
 

Czeverny90

New member
Probably a good idea to avoid another situation like that. I appreciate you taking the time to answer!
Yeah, while I appreciate the poly "cause" I think I'm really okay with monogam-ish situations. Less stressful for me on
Sure, it seems to be "done." I was just discussing your (plural) mistake and how doing it differently might have prevented the crash and burn. And like Broken Arrow said, it's important to learn from each relationship so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

I can see he was a big risk for you. You overlooked the fact that he hadn't lined up a job before the move, had no savings to live on, etc. But the young don't often think far ahead. As I used to say about my Aries daughter, it was: "Ready! fire! aim!" Oops.

And now he's turned out to have a need for variety and seemingly unable to have a mature, rather committed relationship. He hooked you, he caught you, he lived off your funds, he moved on. Ugh.

Well, that's all too bad. But I'm glad you didn't let it drag on and on. I assume he's got a job and some money for his own place now. Buh bye.


I think a 30 something guy who is openly having multiple hookups isn't necessarily an addict just because he tires of having a nesting partner.

I guess I'm a bit sensitive to this because when my partner and I were working on issues, she once accused me of being a sex addict because I wanted sex every day, or at least 3x a week, and she only wanted it once a week. A high libido can be a blessing and a curse.

Sure, it seems to be "done." I was just discussing your (plural) mistake and how doing it differently might have prevented the crash and burn. And like Broken Arrow said, it's important to learn from each relationship so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

I can see he was a big risk for you. You overlooked the fact that he hadn't lined up a job before the move, had no savings to live on, etc. But the young don't often think far ahead. As I used to say about my Aries daughter, it was: "Ready! fire! aim!" Oops.

And now he's turned out to have a need for variety and seemingly unable to have a mature, rather committed relationship. He hooked you, he caught you, he lived off your funds, he moved on. Ugh.

Well, that's all too bad. But I'm glad you didn't let it drag on and on. I assume he's got a job and some money for his own place now. Buh bye.


I think a 30 something guy who is openly having multiple hookups isn't necessarily an addict just because he tires of having a nesting partner.

I guess I'm a bit sensitive to this because when my partner and I were working on issues, she once accused me of being a sex addict because I wanted sex every day, or at least 3x a week, and she only wanted it once a week. A high libido can be a blessing and a curse.
You do realize you're ASSUMING a lot of things just by bits of information? Also, it is not appropriate to call out people on supposed "mistakes" in general, all the more when they are in distress. I would like you to avoid to comment any further if you please. I know your intentions were probably good, but as they say, the road to hell is always paved with good intentions. Have a nice day.

I will "unwatch" the post. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY, FOR YOUR COMMENTS, INSIGHTS, and SUPPORT!
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
Yeah it sounds like you're not in the right mental space to want anything other than everyone to agree he is a sex addict and should only be having the sex you approve of.
No need to be defensive. Wanting frequent sex is not sex addiction. Wanting variety is not sex addiction. Wanting certain kinds of sex is not sex addiction. Addiction is addiction and it's very different (and very destructive.)

BTW, I'm the one who used the word addiction and the OP didn't want to go that far, saying only that he sees a compulsion. I'm not sure where you got the impression that he wants "everyone" to agree that he's dealing with sex addiction. I was the one and only person to suggest it. There are five other points of view in this discussion.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
As soon as you inappropriately suggested that it was an addiction, he jumped on it and spoke as if it was although mental health professionals had never mentioned it. He wanted us to tell him that his partner is a terrible person and shouldn't want what he wants. When the addiction thing was rubbished by the majority, he lashed out at Magdlyn.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I'm on a highway to hell! Wheeeee!

Good grief. This is a place to come to for advice. You may not agree with everything people offer. That's no reason to tell them they're on the way to hell. Good luck!
 
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