I haven't been here for some time. I was healing from a very bad relationship, then I explored a strictly monogamous relationship for a good 8 months until she dumped me for another woman
Lately, I've felt more monogam-ish or polyflexible rather than polyamorous. I also think, after my last 2 serious relationships being with women, that I'm further on the lesbian side of the spectrum than I'd realized.
But then, 6 months ago, I met Sunny, a man who presented himself as poly but who said he "could" do monogamy as well. I developed deep feelings for him. This guy has a lot of feminine energy, and I crave him like I do women, we always have fun together, we have similar values and like to do similar things. The sex is fantastic. It has, up until now, been one of the most peaceful, happy, connected, sexy relationships I've had.
We met right before covid started, so we went through lockdown together and had all this time of not dating anyone else. We agreed a pandemic wasn't a good time for relationship negotiations, because of course we weren't out meeting people and took down our dating profiles. He has a lot of daddy dom energy, and I've let him do a lot of the leading in this relationship. At some point, we did define the relationship, deciding we were boyfriend/girlfriend and he used the word "primary." This month was our 6 month anniversary so we took a 5-day roadtrip together to visit some state parks and had such fun. I really started feeling we are a couple, told my parents about him, posted with him on social media, etc.. I could see him as a life partner.
A few days ago, he informed me that someone he'd met before me, but the timing wasn't right, has resurfaced in his life, and they've been talking, it's getting serious. And I am shocked at the agony this is creating in me. Of course, I understood we'd probably explore some form of non-monogamy eventually, but we had a miscommunication. He'd told me he wasn't interested in "full-on poly," so I thought he wanted to maybe explore casual sex outside of his relationship, or to swing a little or something. He's since corrected me, no, he wants a secondary, he thought full-on poly meant everybody sleeps/lives together.
This guy is not a reader of books or forums so his experience/knowledge of poly comes through talking to friends of his who have made it work, plus a couple of casual multiple relationships. He made what I feel is a rookie mistake basically just telling me he's going to date someone else, no asking if I was ready to open up the relationship, with someone already on deck. He is "not asking my permission," because this is what he "needs," and if I don't accept this, I don't accept him for who he is.
I've been where he is, asking for what he's asking for. I get it. He's been fighting his way out of serial monogamy, exploring his sexuality, and learning to be independent after 2 monogamous marriages, and doesn't want to hit pause or stop for me. He's where I was 6 years ago when I informed by now-ex-husband I'd met a woman and I needed to open the relationship to be with her NOW.
I am still deep in NRE with him and just want to spend all my spare time with him and only him. To learn he wants to spend time with someone else while we're still in the honeymoon phase is hard to swallow. The way he presented this with no asking me how I feel or what I want really stung. I hate that I seem to be grieving the loss of our alone-together period, and he isn't.
We've been talking for a couple of days now, and to be honest, I just don't know if I want to do all the processing and emotional work involved in a poly relationship at this time. It's been a crazy enough year as it is with all going on in the world. Plus I finalized my divorce this year, am starting a new business, adopted a long-living pet. None of this has to do with him, of course. But I'm feeling overwhelmed by adding on POLY.
He's convinced, despite not having much poly experience except in casual relationships, that he'll be great at this, that I'll never notice his attention wavering because of another relationship. I've done many poly and open relationship configurations, and I think he's being naive and overconfident. I already have to share him with his other responsibilities and emotional ties: a business he owns, 2 kids who live with his 1st wife, plus a 2nd wife from whom he is separated but not yet legally divorced. I have been ok with the amount of time we spend together (average 3 nights a week) but I was also hoping we were soon to grow into spending more time together, maybe eventually move in together. He says that's still possible, he could see us living together too, but I'm not sure our visions of what that looks like match up. Of course, all this trying to look far into the future might not even be helpful. He thinks it isn't.
I feel remorse for any way in which I might have mislead him. I told him I was open to poly when we first started dating. And I meant it, but now faced with the reality of sharing him, I'm shutting down. My pessimism (based on past poly relationships) and insecurity seem to be getting the best of me.
So now, I'm faced with decisions. Stay or go. Date others or don't. He said he's open to making some rules to make me more comfortable. We talked about maybe no women in his bed, he can fuck them somewhere else. He hates the idea of wearing a condom to keep me safe from STDs (he's had a vasectomy.) Maybe we pick something that remains just between us--anal? Bondage? Ugh, I used to hate it when my ex tried to put rules on my relationships. But now I totally get it. I'm sick at the thought of him doing those things with other women! But whoever sticks to rules in the heat of NRE? Plus, we haven't built up years of trust for me to rely on.
I'm struggling to make sense of my intense feelings that I name shame, jealousy, and abandonment. My HEAD understands this has nothing to do with me. That I can't chose a poly guy then get upset when he IS poly. I'm in danger of making the abandonment real if I can't get to a happy, safe place with this. I seem to be resisting doing the work. Or perhaps we're just in two different places right now.
Thoughts?
Lately, I've felt more monogam-ish or polyflexible rather than polyamorous. I also think, after my last 2 serious relationships being with women, that I'm further on the lesbian side of the spectrum than I'd realized.
But then, 6 months ago, I met Sunny, a man who presented himself as poly but who said he "could" do monogamy as well. I developed deep feelings for him. This guy has a lot of feminine energy, and I crave him like I do women, we always have fun together, we have similar values and like to do similar things. The sex is fantastic. It has, up until now, been one of the most peaceful, happy, connected, sexy relationships I've had.
We met right before covid started, so we went through lockdown together and had all this time of not dating anyone else. We agreed a pandemic wasn't a good time for relationship negotiations, because of course we weren't out meeting people and took down our dating profiles. He has a lot of daddy dom energy, and I've let him do a lot of the leading in this relationship. At some point, we did define the relationship, deciding we were boyfriend/girlfriend and he used the word "primary." This month was our 6 month anniversary so we took a 5-day roadtrip together to visit some state parks and had such fun. I really started feeling we are a couple, told my parents about him, posted with him on social media, etc.. I could see him as a life partner.
A few days ago, he informed me that someone he'd met before me, but the timing wasn't right, has resurfaced in his life, and they've been talking, it's getting serious. And I am shocked at the agony this is creating in me. Of course, I understood we'd probably explore some form of non-monogamy eventually, but we had a miscommunication. He'd told me he wasn't interested in "full-on poly," so I thought he wanted to maybe explore casual sex outside of his relationship, or to swing a little or something. He's since corrected me, no, he wants a secondary, he thought full-on poly meant everybody sleeps/lives together.
This guy is not a reader of books or forums so his experience/knowledge of poly comes through talking to friends of his who have made it work, plus a couple of casual multiple relationships. He made what I feel is a rookie mistake basically just telling me he's going to date someone else, no asking if I was ready to open up the relationship, with someone already on deck. He is "not asking my permission," because this is what he "needs," and if I don't accept this, I don't accept him for who he is.
I've been where he is, asking for what he's asking for. I get it. He's been fighting his way out of serial monogamy, exploring his sexuality, and learning to be independent after 2 monogamous marriages, and doesn't want to hit pause or stop for me. He's where I was 6 years ago when I informed by now-ex-husband I'd met a woman and I needed to open the relationship to be with her NOW.
I am still deep in NRE with him and just want to spend all my spare time with him and only him. To learn he wants to spend time with someone else while we're still in the honeymoon phase is hard to swallow. The way he presented this with no asking me how I feel or what I want really stung. I hate that I seem to be grieving the loss of our alone-together period, and he isn't.
We've been talking for a couple of days now, and to be honest, I just don't know if I want to do all the processing and emotional work involved in a poly relationship at this time. It's been a crazy enough year as it is with all going on in the world. Plus I finalized my divorce this year, am starting a new business, adopted a long-living pet. None of this has to do with him, of course. But I'm feeling overwhelmed by adding on POLY.
He's convinced, despite not having much poly experience except in casual relationships, that he'll be great at this, that I'll never notice his attention wavering because of another relationship. I've done many poly and open relationship configurations, and I think he's being naive and overconfident. I already have to share him with his other responsibilities and emotional ties: a business he owns, 2 kids who live with his 1st wife, plus a 2nd wife from whom he is separated but not yet legally divorced. I have been ok with the amount of time we spend together (average 3 nights a week) but I was also hoping we were soon to grow into spending more time together, maybe eventually move in together. He says that's still possible, he could see us living together too, but I'm not sure our visions of what that looks like match up. Of course, all this trying to look far into the future might not even be helpful. He thinks it isn't.
I feel remorse for any way in which I might have mislead him. I told him I was open to poly when we first started dating. And I meant it, but now faced with the reality of sharing him, I'm shutting down. My pessimism (based on past poly relationships) and insecurity seem to be getting the best of me.
So now, I'm faced with decisions. Stay or go. Date others or don't. He said he's open to making some rules to make me more comfortable. We talked about maybe no women in his bed, he can fuck them somewhere else. He hates the idea of wearing a condom to keep me safe from STDs (he's had a vasectomy.) Maybe we pick something that remains just between us--anal? Bondage? Ugh, I used to hate it when my ex tried to put rules on my relationships. But now I totally get it. I'm sick at the thought of him doing those things with other women! But whoever sticks to rules in the heat of NRE? Plus, we haven't built up years of trust for me to rely on.
I'm struggling to make sense of my intense feelings that I name shame, jealousy, and abandonment. My HEAD understands this has nothing to do with me. That I can't chose a poly guy then get upset when he IS poly. I'm in danger of making the abandonment real if I can't get to a happy, safe place with this. I seem to be resisting doing the work. Or perhaps we're just in two different places right now.
Thoughts?