Hello everyone,
Approximately one year ago, I decided that I was polyamorous. I was dating someone at the time and it ended because of my choice. The chronicles of said relationship can be found here. After finding peace with my conviction, I moved on. I was not desperate to get into anything new. I knew that I was no longer willing to allow any room for confusion regarding what kind of relationships I was seeking. I had a limited time rendezvous with a girl just before moving to Michigan to live and work on a farm. I was honest with her from the start and given our limited time, it wasn't a problem for her. She said she would even have been open to it had things had the chance to continue. It was a very encouraging and rational experience after my past couple relationships. We are still friends. Since then, I have viewed myself as single with the intent that any relationship I might enter into be non-monogamous.
After a year, I still feel great conviction about who I am and the kind of relationships that I ultimately want. I have grown and learned much through my move, my work and the community I am a part of here. However, I only ever planned for this community to be seasonal for two reasons: 1. I feel I can learn the most about myself right now by continuing to wander and travel. 2. I knew that it would likely be very difficult for me to find poly-minded partners and community here. This has proved to be true.
During this time, I worked with a young girl on the farm with whom a deep attraction was tangible and undeniable. I knew we wouldn't last the summer without addressing it and so I had a talk with her. Before anything happened, I told her very plainly where I was at. I liked her a lot but she should know that I was only interested in open relationships. I could not be her boyfriend. My recent history and habit is that of co-dependency and that because of this my primary commitment is to myself right now. I would likely leave after the season. I wanted to believe that I could still share intimacy with people. If there was anything I said that she couldn't accept, I would be happy being her friend. I wanted her to know what she was getting into. I guess partly because she is younger, it was easy to assume that she still wanted the fairy-tale romance. I was simply letting her know the limits of what I could give. She was surprised but said she respected my honesty. She said okay. She said she was willing to continue and see what happens.
It occurs to me now that I have this concept that if a relationship is understood to be limited in some way (non-monogamous, existing plans to move away, limited personal resources, etc.) then the people in it will keep their hearts from attaching beyond those limits. A healthy person will maintain some space from attachment. Perhaps this is naive. I didn't know what else to do besides remain honest, regularly reiterate what I wanted and check-in with her and how she was feeling. In the end, I couldn't know her inner capacity so all I could do was trust her to know herself and take care of herself.
The way this worked out is that we continued our affections but with lots of space and independence. Sometimes we were more like friends (and co-workers) and not romantic at all. Other times we most certainly were. We had all kinds of adventures together. She was my best friend this summer. When the season was over we took a trip to Mexico together and traveled around for a month. We have become very close. I want her in my life always.
The big problem here is that because of the lack of any poly-community nearby and in general the limited number of people in a place like this I have not dated anyone else but her since the beginning of the season. We have been monogamous by circumstance. This was further engineered by the demanding level of involvement that the farm required of me. I had to give up pursuing not just other partners but basically every other hobby I have. It felt good to give myself to something so completely but with its passing I am left with the same desires regarding relationships I had before and really no more experience living them.
I am now at a crossroads. I have two months housesitting alone in Michigan before I must decide what I will move toward next. My friend and lover has certainly become more attached than she should and I am afraid of it. I love her but I don't know if polyamory is what she really wants. I am prepared to move on though it will hurt us both. I feel like I need some real experience in my life living the kind of relationships that I have wanted for so long. It seems almost impossible to pursue such an uncommonly held perspective in a place this small. I don't want to feel doomed to attempt conversion every time I like someone. It takes so much time and energy just to find out it isn't what they want after all. And some will just tell you straight out they don't. I feel like if I am to learn more about this part of myself I need a healthy and supportive environment to do it in. A community. Or at least a place where more people think differently. I feel willing to move my life to find this for myself. It feels critical to finding out who I am. It is calling to be explored.
Do those of you with experience find this to be a true dilemma? What advice can you give? What are my options? San Francisco? A commune?
And of course, it isn't as easy as simply choosing somewhere to move. I am broke and without a job. This is alright for the moment but will not be in two months when the house-sitting gigs are over. It takes money to move and get established somewhere. And the only job being offered to me now is back at the farm. I feel great hesitation in this because it would be another long commitment where I am not pursuing what I want. (polyamory music, theater, travel.) Also, I would then continue to work with my dear friend and I already fear it is not healthy. If there is a moment to step back from the relationship, it is now. What if necessity keeps me here? I think it would be challenging to work together when she is so unclear about what she wants. I don't want to give her further cause for pain and I don't know if she would end it even if she knew it wasn't good for her. At this point, I am still very optimistic that we will remain close friends. I am afraid that without some space, this possibility will diminish.
This has been a giant, sprawling, gush of words. I always fail at brevity. Heh. I hope it has been of interest to some and I hope that you might find the time to share your experience, advice, even criticism. My mistakes and vulnerabilities are on display here. I wish only to learn and grow.
It is here that I seek friends who can understand the motivations behind my choices.
With Gratitude, Silas
Approximately one year ago, I decided that I was polyamorous. I was dating someone at the time and it ended because of my choice. The chronicles of said relationship can be found here. After finding peace with my conviction, I moved on. I was not desperate to get into anything new. I knew that I was no longer willing to allow any room for confusion regarding what kind of relationships I was seeking. I had a limited time rendezvous with a girl just before moving to Michigan to live and work on a farm. I was honest with her from the start and given our limited time, it wasn't a problem for her. She said she would even have been open to it had things had the chance to continue. It was a very encouraging and rational experience after my past couple relationships. We are still friends. Since then, I have viewed myself as single with the intent that any relationship I might enter into be non-monogamous.
After a year, I still feel great conviction about who I am and the kind of relationships that I ultimately want. I have grown and learned much through my move, my work and the community I am a part of here. However, I only ever planned for this community to be seasonal for two reasons: 1. I feel I can learn the most about myself right now by continuing to wander and travel. 2. I knew that it would likely be very difficult for me to find poly-minded partners and community here. This has proved to be true.
During this time, I worked with a young girl on the farm with whom a deep attraction was tangible and undeniable. I knew we wouldn't last the summer without addressing it and so I had a talk with her. Before anything happened, I told her very plainly where I was at. I liked her a lot but she should know that I was only interested in open relationships. I could not be her boyfriend. My recent history and habit is that of co-dependency and that because of this my primary commitment is to myself right now. I would likely leave after the season. I wanted to believe that I could still share intimacy with people. If there was anything I said that she couldn't accept, I would be happy being her friend. I wanted her to know what she was getting into. I guess partly because she is younger, it was easy to assume that she still wanted the fairy-tale romance. I was simply letting her know the limits of what I could give. She was surprised but said she respected my honesty. She said okay. She said she was willing to continue and see what happens.
It occurs to me now that I have this concept that if a relationship is understood to be limited in some way (non-monogamous, existing plans to move away, limited personal resources, etc.) then the people in it will keep their hearts from attaching beyond those limits. A healthy person will maintain some space from attachment. Perhaps this is naive. I didn't know what else to do besides remain honest, regularly reiterate what I wanted and check-in with her and how she was feeling. In the end, I couldn't know her inner capacity so all I could do was trust her to know herself and take care of herself.
The way this worked out is that we continued our affections but with lots of space and independence. Sometimes we were more like friends (and co-workers) and not romantic at all. Other times we most certainly were. We had all kinds of adventures together. She was my best friend this summer. When the season was over we took a trip to Mexico together and traveled around for a month. We have become very close. I want her in my life always.
The big problem here is that because of the lack of any poly-community nearby and in general the limited number of people in a place like this I have not dated anyone else but her since the beginning of the season. We have been monogamous by circumstance. This was further engineered by the demanding level of involvement that the farm required of me. I had to give up pursuing not just other partners but basically every other hobby I have. It felt good to give myself to something so completely but with its passing I am left with the same desires regarding relationships I had before and really no more experience living them.
I am now at a crossroads. I have two months housesitting alone in Michigan before I must decide what I will move toward next. My friend and lover has certainly become more attached than she should and I am afraid of it. I love her but I don't know if polyamory is what she really wants. I am prepared to move on though it will hurt us both. I feel like I need some real experience in my life living the kind of relationships that I have wanted for so long. It seems almost impossible to pursue such an uncommonly held perspective in a place this small. I don't want to feel doomed to attempt conversion every time I like someone. It takes so much time and energy just to find out it isn't what they want after all. And some will just tell you straight out they don't. I feel like if I am to learn more about this part of myself I need a healthy and supportive environment to do it in. A community. Or at least a place where more people think differently. I feel willing to move my life to find this for myself. It feels critical to finding out who I am. It is calling to be explored.
Do those of you with experience find this to be a true dilemma? What advice can you give? What are my options? San Francisco? A commune?
And of course, it isn't as easy as simply choosing somewhere to move. I am broke and without a job. This is alright for the moment but will not be in two months when the house-sitting gigs are over. It takes money to move and get established somewhere. And the only job being offered to me now is back at the farm. I feel great hesitation in this because it would be another long commitment where I am not pursuing what I want. (polyamory music, theater, travel.) Also, I would then continue to work with my dear friend and I already fear it is not healthy. If there is a moment to step back from the relationship, it is now. What if necessity keeps me here? I think it would be challenging to work together when she is so unclear about what she wants. I don't want to give her further cause for pain and I don't know if she would end it even if she knew it wasn't good for her. At this point, I am still very optimistic that we will remain close friends. I am afraid that without some space, this possibility will diminish.
This has been a giant, sprawling, gush of words. I always fail at brevity. Heh. I hope it has been of interest to some and I hope that you might find the time to share your experience, advice, even criticism. My mistakes and vulnerabilities are on display here. I wish only to learn and grow.
It is here that I seek friends who can understand the motivations behind my choices.
With Gratitude, Silas