More sexuality confusion-- does it ever end?

H

hellokitty

New member
Hey. I've posted here a few times in the past about my relationships. I have a bf, Jules, of 6 years and a gf, Aimee, of two year. Things are going pretty well.

The last time I was here, I was agonizing over my sexual feelings (or lack thereof) for Jules. I wasn't sure if I was gay or what was going on. We talked it out, and have had a non-sexual relationship for the past few months. He's been sleeping with other women.

I'm still sleeping with Aimee. Just recently, I was with the first girl outside of those two since I met Aimee. She and I had a threesome.

I feel weird and guilty because I am starting to have sexual feelings for other guys. I know! I just can't make up my mind, can I? The longer I am in these two relationships, and the more I discuss my feelings openly, the more I have come to realize I am truly polyamorous/polysexual. There's no getting around it.

I guess I'm just wondering if this is "normal." I still don't desire to have an ongoing sexual relationship with my boyfriend Jules, but I'm fantasizing about being with other men. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this because I feel like it would be seen as betraying Jules, in a sense.

After my last few mistakes of keeping my feelings inside, I'm wondering if this is something I should talk about, or let it be. Is it selfish to want to be with, be curious about, other guys? I haven't been with (or even really been interested in) any other men besides Jules since I started dating him when I was in high school, so it's been a while. And like I said, the more comfortable I get with myself, the more natural being poly feels.

I love him for himself, and just like it's always been between us with girls, no one could come in between. Would it be rude and selfish of me to talk to him about this, after how open he has been with me entering into a serious relationship with Aimee? Am I asking too much?

My curiosity is just poking me to get some opinions on this. Thanks.
 
My first question: is Jules okay with the fact that you two have a non-sexual relationship?
 
Well, he wouldn't prefer it, but it's what is working for us right now, and keeping there from being awkward uncomfortable tension on my end. We love each other, and want to be together always, but the sex part wasn't working for me anymore. So we are focusing on other things together right now. He is still attracted to me sexually, and wants to be with me in that way, but doesn't want to push me to do anything I don't want to. Like I said, he has been hooking up with other women, so he is free to do as he pleases in that area.
 
Hmm, well, if he believes that the cessation of your sex life is because you might be gay, then of course it will come as a rude awakening to him to find out that, no, it's not men, it's just that you don't want him! I know I'd be hurt in his position, and I might not be able to carry on in the relationship.

However, I think you should tell him. He deserves the truth. And there's every possibility that he will still consider the relationship worth preserving, just as he does now, as a non-sexual partnership. Maybe he'll deal just fine, either right away or after a little time to recover. It's a risk. But it's always worth it to be honest, imho. I know you struggle with admitting the hard truths.

Good luck!!
 
So you and Jules are now at a "companionate love" stage in your shared life. There is nothing wrong with that, if you are both happy and satisfied in sharing this type of relationship. Things can move around within that love theory model. People are not static, and time changes things all over the place.

There is nothing wrong with you feeling desire for other people -- male or female. Feelings are just feelings. Rain is rain, the sun is the sun, emotions are emotions. You could choose to just let these feelings blow on through and not say boo to anyone about it.

Or, if your current polyship partner (Aimee) enjoys titillating talk and is willing to participate, you could choose to fantasize all you want about other people with her. Let your mind run wild. Enjoy!

Or, if your current polyship agreements do not allow you to date men, but this is something you want to act on, you could choose to ask both Jules and Aimee to renegotiate. Poly agreements can change and evolve over time, as the polyship people's needs ebb and flow.

My point is, emotion does NOT have to be acted on automatically just because you feel it. You get to choose what to do about those emotions you feel, if anything at all. Just having emotions doesn't make you "weird," or something.

Would it be rude and selfish of me to talk to him about this, after how open he has been with me entering into a serious relationship with Aimee? Am I asking too much? My curiosity is just poking me to get some opinions...
Click to expand...

Talk about what exactly? Your emotions? Or your emotions and your desire to act on them by dating other guys?

Either way, just be upfront and honest. Report your emotional weather. Then Jules (and Aimee) can know where you, the authentic real YOU, are at.

He (or she) can choose to say "Sure! Tell me more!" or, "No, don't tell me about that!" He/they can choose all manner of things, because he/she chooses their next behavior.

They choose how they behave. You choose how you behave.

In my life, I tell my husband all sorts of things about my desires, emotions, crushes, or fantasies. He knows that if I wanted to seriously pursue someone, I'd come to him to renegotiate agreements. I like the level of emotional intimacy we share. Why would I hold back? He can either handle me full on, or he can't. After 20 years together, I know he can take it. It's a turn-on, actually. :)

GG
 
Last edited:
Hey, thanks for your responses.

I discussed this with my therapist. She agrees if I'm gonna talk to him about it, I should be ready to think about and explain why maybe I am still interested in men, that maybe it's not a gay-straight thing.

I think what really bothered me the most about having regular sex with Jules was the expectation to always be physical. I've realized that I very much like and need to be in control of my situations, my feelings and my body. If I want to spend time with someone I care about, I don't want the pressure hanging over my head to have sex, and feel guilty if I'm not in the mood.

I love polyamory, because I feel I'm truly in control of my life, and can be myself and love people in the ways that feel natural to me. I need polyamory because I need to be my own person. I don't want to be owned.

Jules and I hung out last week and had quality time together, talking, cooking, cuddling. We made out a little and it was nice. I enjoyed just being close to him and being affectionate, showing each other we care. I didn't want to do anything more than that.

I'm relieved we are on this break from sex, because I don't have to explain myself if I don't feel like going further. I don't know. I feel okay with my decision, but it's still hard getting past that society says this makes me a bad lover.

As far as other guys, I don't wanna go further than that with anyone else, at this point, either. I think I'm just feeling really curious as to what it's like kissing another guy, or being intimate like that. I think I'm just feeling the need to have the freedom to explore my sexuality and emotions in my own way, in my own time. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to experience life and people and see what I can learn.

I'm completely open to Jules and Aimee exploring these things with other people. It makes me happy to see and hear about. It's hard to feel like I have different guidelines when I see them making out with whoever they want, whenever they want.

I dunno. I'm trying to get better at talking about my feelings and needs. It helps to hash it all out here first.
 
I can relate. I remember your previous posts.

I left my boyfriend of five years to be with another woman, thinking that I was a lesbian. He spent a few years hoping for something more, but finally... we seem to be at a point we are both happy with, very very close platonic friends.

However, like you, where once I thought I was done with men, enlightened, blah blah blah... I have had confusing feelings about men over the years-- never emotional feelings, just sexual ones.

Like you, I feel guilty, as if I am betraying my ex-boyfriend. He has already told me that if I ever sleep with another man, he doesn't want to know. It would hurt him deeply, because he has concluded that we ended so that I could be with women. I let him believe that, through a mixture of feeling that way at the time, and a little bit of what I thought was kindness.

It's true that you don't have to act on your feelings. But of course, you are having those feelings because, in some part, you finally feel "free," but not quite free enough to do whatever you want. So suddenly, all these other men seem tempting. Of course, it's worth exploring at some point. Life is an exploration.

As for you being cool about Jules's and Aimee's poly interactions, just remember not to think of yourself as more evolved, or them being unfair, hypocritical or lagging behind. We all have our different triggers and limits. Some of that, I believe, is biological. Some of us are triggered by sight (seeing an event happen), some by sound (hearing about it), some by language (reading what they have written to someone), etc.

We don't feel jealousy for a number of reasons. Sometimes, we're very evolved and feel secure. I personally think it's very rare not to ever, ever, ever have even a pinprick of insecurity, a simple, "Well, I guess it is fathomable that my love could leave me." More likely, we are a little too self-assured, perhaps naive, narcissistic or complacent if we truly never, ever, ever have a second of anything other than security. But that's my opinion.

Worst case scenario-- we aren't jealous because we have a deep psychological struggle with intimacy. When that's the case, we aren't as sensitive as others, so we don't feel jealousy as strongly as those who are sensitive, and embrace and value intimacy.
 
I think what really bothered me the most about having regular sex with Jules was the expectation to always be physical. I realized, I very much like and need to be in control of my situations, my feelings and my body. If I want to spend time with someone I care about, I don't want the pressure hanging over my head to have sex, and feel guilty if I'm not in the mood.
Click to expand...

I can TOTALLY relate to this! It is so painful. After 12 years of marriage, I developed great anxiety around sex. I was trying so hard to be attracted to and want my husband-- but I just couldn't force it.

Were you ever passionately sexually attracted to Jules? Did you enter the relationship for different reasons, like honesty and companionship, or was there attraction that faded?
 
We used to have a pretty good sex life. I liked having sex with him. I was flirty and more passionate. But I never felt the passion sexually I have with Aimee. It was never the #1 best part of our relationship.

I used to be more into sex when we first started dating, and Jules was the one who had a harder time getting into it. Things went well when the two of us slept with other girls together.

But now that I'm with Aimee, she's not comfortable with me being with other girls when she's not involved.

I think the fact that my sex life with Jules was the best when another person was involved says a lot. In the days when my sex drive was higher than his, he used to say he worried, because in the past he'd get bored easily. That might be what's happening to me... not that bored is the word I'd use to describe it, but having someone else to care for always brought us closer together. It was an exciting change.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top