Mourning my lost relationships & looking forward

Valynn

Member
I feel drained, hollowed out to a point. I came into my relationship as a friend and a equal. But in the end I realize that Angela did not see me that way. She saw me as a quick fix/or a sex toy, to be used and discarded as she wanted. And when I refused to bow to her demands & fell in love with JR. She thought she could end it all and that would be it.

I made the mistake of saying to myself "We can make this work! We communicate & are all on the same page." Accepting what Angela was saying & ignoring the slights to my boundaries. Thinking that it was growing pains between her & I becoming closer. I know now that this was not the case. And just about everything she has told me is a lie. I am glad that I didn't waste years trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole like I have in the past.

I will continue to support JR as much as humanly possible.


All in all I have learned a few things going through this:
  • Do not allow my boundaries to be tested, I have them for a reason.
  • If things feel fishy or off. First communicate my worries. If they continue to persist, break ties. Things will not get better.
  • Do not try to begin a business partnership while working on a new romantic relationship with the same person. It's either romantic or business
  • Do not allow NRE to cloud my judgments.
  • Try and get a relationship agreements in writing. Knowing that people will remember only things that concern them. Having an formal agreement will be easier to squash disagreements.

For some backstory
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118307
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=124441
 
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Valynn

Member
Things continue to deteriorate

Last night, Angela has demanded that I remove my business supplies from their extra room, due to her mother needing assistance in the near future. While I feel it's just an excuse to cut me out of her life further. I understand the reasoning for it.
Unfortunately for me it's the worst possible timing due to I need to make product for upcoming holiday & craft fairs. Part of the reason I think it's an excuse to hurt me. Because I asked both of them early on if for any reason we do not work out. Will my business suffer. They both said it would not. I see now that this is not the case at least on Angela's part.

I plan on getting everything out & back to my Mom's house ASAP. Angela says that I "don't have to rush.", but I cannot trust anything she says to me at this point. And I do not need anymore stress from her. She wants nothing to do with me? Fine. I will move forward and keep my goals in sight.


She has since told JR that I suggested I move my stuff out. Making it seem like I am pulling away. I just told her "I will see what I can do." JR & I know better.
 
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Valynn

Member
Had a lunch date with JR this afternoon. We finalized Halloween party plans for this Saturday in which I have still invited Angela to go to. She has adamantly refused. Stating that she doesn't remember any of the conversations during the summer about it, which were many. Just another tick on the growing list of problems. That Angela never listened to or took into consideration anything I said.

She still has the gall to try & impose the original public restrictions on us which I have told JR that I will not adhere to. It's a public party. At a club. I will drink & be flirty to whomever I wish & that includes JR. We are all 46 years old for the godssakes, we do not need a chaperone. This entire exchange reminds me of when JR & I went to see "How to Train Your Dragon 3". And her saying that is was good to get a date 'Out of our system'. This time is totally different because now instead of trying the wonky heretical triad. We are now completely separate V.


JR and I are hammering out a non-monogamous agreement between us. I told him that I have a few main tenets, at this time:
  1. Do Not Lie
  2. No Going Behind the Other's Back/No Cheating
  3. If you find a person you are interested in, I would like to know
  4. Communicate/Talk with me, even if it hurts.
On #3 I don't need to meet this possible person, but knowing about them will be good. He insists that we'd be doing that together. And immediately corrected him saying "There is no way of knowing this person will be into me. I understand that, and refuse to force any connection." I think I will get him a Poly positive book for him to read so he can learn from other than me. I am not the end all and be all about polyamory. :D
 
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Valynn

Member
Feeling Down

Today would have been my dad's 83rd birthday. He passed from Alzheimer's in June of 2013. I miss him so much cause he was my shoulder to cry on. He also was the person I went to for advice. JR & him would have been fast friends. They have the same sense of humor and goofy attitude alot of the time.
 

Valynn

Member
Lunch date with JR today. ;)

Semi-daily phone conversation with Dexus. His new package delivery job, of less than 2 wks, partner tried to give him a bad review & fired. Upper management knew better and he got moved to a new route.

Step 1 Complete! Space for my business has been cleared in the basement of Mom's house. Soon the shift out of the apartment commences. And the product assembly happens.
 

Valynn

Member
Blessed Samhain everyone! Or Halloween for you non-pagan peoples. I hope your day is full of happy kids and is uneventful otherwise.

Today is shifting of odds & ends out my new soaping area in the basement. I have already begun to visualize were everything needs to go. I am feeling positive about how things are progressing.

Small rant:
In July I had found a 2 day craft fair for early November that I thought Angela & I could do together, as she does beautiful paintings on clothing. She agreed and said she would send out the payment for both of us that weekend.

After everything happened. I went into panicked email mode trying to find out about the events we had talked about were booked, none were. And by the time the contact got back to me to event was booked full. :eek: But I asked if I could be put a contact list for next year.
I was able to find another smaller event to join. But this was so petty. I understand, you are jealous, but don't be passive aggressive & mess with my livelihood! :mad:
 
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Valynn

Member
I have been having alot PTSD episodes recently. My worst was last night. JR and I went and had a nooky hooky day. It was amazing until he went into the bathroom. Suddenly I hear a phone conversation in what I thought was Spanish. And I swore that it was JR. I didn't have my glasses on & did not see his cell phone. So immediately my heart sinks and I accuse him of calling someone. After him holding me while I cried, and we talked, we noticed that we could hear the people on the phone in the bathroom next door through the heating vent (and it was Mandarin, not Spanish)! I felt like an absolute asshole! I keep telling him that I have been through the wringer in my previous relationships. And have alot of emotional baggage. And now that our relationship is moving toward more of a open mono-model & I am getting terrified that I will be hurt again. Only time will tell or I am becoming paranoid over nothing.

In reading other peoples blogs here. (TY Atlantis!) I have come to the realization that Angela is a narcissistic abuser. Everything that I have read, outside of the personal blogs, is 100% actuate to the timeline of our failed triad. And now JR is receiving the brunt of the fallout.
 
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Valynn

Member
JR, Dexus & I had fun last night. JR & I dressed in costume as Jessie & James of Team rocket. We crashed the local karaoke place, being the only 2 in costume, but we didn't care. I am friends with the owner and she said next year there will be an costume party.

Even though Angela said she didn't want to go. She showed up a 45 minutes before the bar was to close. This is the first time her & I have been in the same room together since September, and she acted just like I expected her to, & gave me a cold shoulder. At the end of the night she asked me about getting a handicapped parking pass. I answered politely that I didn't know, but I would ask my mom how she got her's when my dad was sick.

She then proceeded to lean into me slightly to say, standing right next to my son mind you, that she was still angry at me for trying to steal JR from her. That she would never trust me again. And that she did not come to the event to intimidate me. And that she isn't a raging bitch.

I told her that I wanted her there, and that I never rescinded my invite for tonight. And that I was sorry for how things fell apart. I knew she wanted me to get angry, but I refused to allow her to goad me into a public argument.

She then asked how Dexus & I were getting back to my place (Dexus currently lives with his father & step-mother in NYC). I said JR was driving us to my place. But if it was going to be a problem that I could call my niece to get a ride. She goes "Oh, Dexus will be there? OK I approve of this." I am sitting there thinking 'wow, my 22 yr old son is now my impromptu chaperon really? REALLY?! It has come to petty digs like this?' But I am still floored that she wanted to strand me at the bar just so JR & I would not have been alone in his car together. SMDH I am glad we did not tell her that JR & I met Dexus at the bar. :rolleyes:

I will be scheduling evening pack & pick up nights during this week. JR works nights so there will be no way that he will be there. I really need to start working on my restock for my next craft fair event on the 16th.

I have a feeling that once everything is out she is going to cut ties with me completely & demand JR to choose. I would not be surprised if she has already told him that now that last night happened, that there will not be any others. Almost like she was forcing this to be a break up date. I have no clue cause I haven't asked JR. At this point she has crushed any budding feelings I had for her and all I feel is apathy. I refuse to be her emotional punching bag cause she feels bad & afraid. I do not need any of her projected feelings or action to be placed on me. That is all on HER.
 
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Valynn

Member
A silly realization

Some people think that cats aren't affectionate. I beg to differ. My 14 yr old Bombay/American Shortair mix Jessicat has been glued to my side during this trying time. She will follow me around the house purring while I try to carve space out of an already too full house. I joke and call her my emotional support kitty. But after last night I am glad to have her unconditional affection.
 
JR, Dexus & I had fun last night. JR & I dressed in costume as Jessie & James of Team rocket. We crashed the local karaoke place, being the only 2 in costume, but we didn't care. I am friends with the owner and she said next year there will be an costume party.

So...all the other horridness aside (and every part of my heart goes out to you for all of it), I'm breaking my rule of not butting into folks' personal blogs in order to say...

PLEASE tell me you two did the Rocket Motto as part of your party crash <3
 

Valynn

Member
So...all the other horridness aside (and every part of my heart goes out to you for all of it), I'm breaking my rule of not butting into folks' personal blogs in order to say...

PLEASE tell me you two did the Rocket Motto as part of your party crash <3

Of course we did! And I announced us the winners of the non existent costume contest too! And thanks for the support Binks.
 
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Valynn

Member
I hope everyone did their civil duty and VOTED (in the US, of course)! I worked the election here in NY for a total of 14 hrs & 15 minutes. I AM EXHAUSTED!!

I texted Angela today & informed her that I would like to come over to get my stuff on Saturday. Even though it's JR's apartment. So at least there will be 3 sets of hands getting everything out.

Now for the WTF statement of the week Angela says:
"I'm too stressed out to handle your company as a friend right now."
Huh?! You wanted nothing to do with me. Stating, last Saturday, that you can't trust me. But you expect to return to being friends?!! I am not going to feed your illusion that we never happened. I recognize that Angela maybe coming out of her panic attack, but the damage is done. I learned these patterns of abuse from my past relationships. NOPE! I REFUSE TO CONTINUE WITH THIS BULLSHIT. This cycle stops with me. I am out. No more with Angela after getting everything out.
 

Valynn

Member
Phase One Pack out: The uncomfortable-ness continues.

I do not drive so I asked my mom to drive me over to the apartment to get my stuff. So as I was packing up she was talking to Angela & keeping her 'distracted'. I wanted to get this as quickly done as possible. While I was able to get my equipment & ingredients out. The shelving and smaller stuff will have to wait for another trip.
As we were getting ready to leave Angela hugged my mom. Which I do not mind. My mom gave her some good advice about her family troubles at this time. But then she wanted to hug me as well. This entire exchange was weird cause as she did she told me that she wasn't angry at me anymore, but she still didn't trust me. To both I simply answered I know. She just couldn't help herself but to remind me of that fact.

Her mental health/abusive cycle is beginning again and I think she was waiting for me to say that I forgive her. But there is no forgiveness for what had happened. And there will be no way of going back to friends. That bridge has been burned and cannot be rebuilt. I will be polite to her in public, but other than that, we have no personal connection.

I have a group of people that I do not associate with if I can help it cause they have abused & manipulated me. My ex husband, my childhood ex best friend and now Angela.


I am sad & upset. I want to be held by JR right now but that will not be possible.
 
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Valynn

Member
Making sure I have everything situated to do the restock & create new soaps is driving me batty! Plus on top of that I have the deadline of getting everything ready for the next event is totally nerve wracking! But I have done it before, with my right hand in a sling from bad tennis elbow inflammation, I can do moving everything back into my mom's house. :D

Found some more events in December to contact. One of them is in a church JR's & Angela's town, blocks away from the apartment. So this should be interesting. I have no clue if Angela has put in for it & I don't care. Events are money & advertising for my business, that is all I am concerned about. I am not being stalker-ish or creepy. It's my JOB.

But other than semi-panicking about getting shit done, I am doing well. JR & I had another lunch date. I asked how he was doing. And he said Angela is still complaining about me. Saying Mom & I are being "fake nice". I just rolled my eyes. :rolleyes: He says he tells her to stop, but she then complains that he isn't on her side. He says he just doesn't want to hear her bitch. I don't blame him. I told him that I will get the rest out ASAP. But he thinks it won't change anything.
 

Valynn

Member
The Bad
It's a good thing I took the time to do an equipment inventory last night. I realized that I do not have my digital scale at mom's house. It is necessary to make my soaps correctly. I feel like and idiot for forgetting it. I am glad that the way I make my soap (Hot process) is the quickest & ready to use as soon as it's hard enough to cut.

The Good
I have a interview for a part time job for tomorrow. I have a good feeling about it. :)
 

Valynn

Member
The missing scale has been found! YAY!
At the apartment! BOO!
Not before I went and bought another one. YAY?! :rolleyes:
LOL so now I will be getting my old one back & get the new improved model tomorrow. BOO!
But Mom had already gotten my niece the exact same scale for her birthday, so I will use that tonight. YAY!!

I bought the new scale as a bundle along with a digital infrared thermometer I have been wanting for a while. So I have given myself my pre-Christmas gifts.

The interview was good. I am really excited about it. The interviewer had told me ahead of time that there would be test. So I was kinda scared what type of test an electrical contractor can give? It turned out to be a timed personality test. *PHEW*. As the time ran out she said that it was ok for not finishing the test. And I said I felt good for finishing 42 out of 60 questions. By her reaction I guess I got the highest amount. Keep ya fingers crossed for me. I need this boost financially & ego wise.

I found another weekend holiday event to add to my fair/festival holiday schedule. So I now will have 3 events. The event in Angela & JR's town fell through so that is no longer an issue.
 
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Valynn

Member
UGH my first holiday fair was a big, fat MEH. I sold some but not enough to cover my table fee. My three new scents were a hit. Many "ooohs" & "Ahhs". So I am happy that I am continuing to make scents that entice.

Now time to relax. YAY!
 
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Valynn

Member
For 'dinner night', Dexus & I went to visit Benji (ex from previous relationship from 5+ years ago) in the hospital tonight. He wasn't breathing right from his congestive heart failure. Since Thursday, he has been put on high dose intravenous diuretics, and has lost 20 POUNDS of water weight! :eek: They are talking about possibly releasing him on Wednesday.

Then Dexus introduced me to the Mandalorian. Not surprising, I am a huge Star Wars fan & I am immediately HOOKED.


Oh and on a side note, Angela had unfriended me on FB. :rolleyes: Oh, whatever am I going to do! *says sarcastically & dramatically places the back of her hand on her forehead* LOL Dexus thinks Angela is acting like we are are back in high school. And has said if she goes to karaoke & treats me like she did the last time. He will bring her outside & give her "a Master Chief treatment". From the evil grin he gave me, all I can think is he's gonna rip her a new one.
 
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Valynn

Member
I am so fucking happy right now! Someone from the West Babylon PTSA got my business card at my last event and invited me to their coming holiday fair on Dec 7th. I accepted immediately & I am waiting for the confirmation email for where to send my table fee too.
I just confirmed for another event for Dec 15th as well! Two events in one weekend, and then one on the weekend after! YAY & GO ME!! HAPPY BUSINESSWOMAN DANCE!! :cool::cool:
 
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Valynn

Member
I am so confused & furious!! I put in for an event for Dec 8th. In the initial email back from the coordinator she said would hold a space for me cause there were not any other soapmakers registered. Great, I send in my application & my table fee.
Today at 6 AM I got an email welcoming me to the list of vendors. And sent me an updated flyer to advertise with. Awesome.
At 11:07 PM I get yet another email. Stating that they processed my application and since they do not have wall spaces, corner spaces or spaces w/electricity I cannot get a space for this year.
I immediately email the coordinator back stating that I must have filled out the application wrong since I do not need any of those accommodations. And polietly requested a regular 6' table place. Now I am waiting for an email back. GRRRR so angry right now!! :mad::mad::mad:


And of couse my insomnia is rearing it fucking head. I just wish the melatonin I took will take effect soon.
 
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