Moving at what speed?

Red5DT

Red5DT

New member
My wife and I have been together since high school, 25 years. Throughout our relationship we've brought up sleeping with other people, but it never materialized. Well, we finally have mustered up the courage to pursue CNM, but it seems we're moving at different speeds. Any advice on how to proceed? Thanks, all.
 
Red5DT said:
My wife and I have been together since high school, 25 years. Throughout our relationship we've brought up sleeping with other people, but it never materialized. Well, we finally have mustered up the courage to pursue CNM, but it seems we're moving at different speeds. Any advice on how to proceed? Thanks, all.
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What "speeds" would you consider the two of you are each moving at? What do you each want to see happen in the next few weeks/months?
 
I would want to start talking to potential matches, to build relationships. She is a little more gun-shy and wants to wait longer before we initiate contact.

I want to support her, but I also want to move at my own individual pace. That's probably more selfish than it needs to be. But I want to balance both her needs and mine.
 
We will be dating individually, and doing some couple stuff as well. She's asking that both of us slow down to her speed, which i totally get. I just wish I could move at a brisker pace.
 
Has "slow down to her pace" been articulated? Is there a timeline after which you'll start dating (or discuss starting to date)?

Here's why I ask: it sounds like you've both agreed in principle to open your relationship and date other people. She isn't ready for either of you to do that yet. (Other good questions to ask: why not? what does being "ready" look like, for her?) So, if you went ahead and started dating, that would presumably cause resentment on her part.

But you do want to start dating other people. So if she remains "not ready yet," without any sort of timeline for deciding to proceed, you'll be in a position of asking, "What about now?" "What about now?" "What about now?" to which, (if she were, for example, not actually comfortable with this whole idea, but only agreeing to it to make you happy,) she could keep saying, "Not yet."

That would eventually cause resentment on your part.

So at the very least, alongside trying to understand why the difference in your comfort levels exists, it's important to put some sort of timeline on when you will both, in fact, open up.
 
Hello Den,

Usually if there's a choice to be made between faster and slower, the slower speed is better. Within reason, of course. In your case I would suggest you ask your wife to choose a date on which you'll start to initiate contact. So that you have some idea how long she wants you to wait, and so that it's not forever.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
If you and wife have been together 25 years, since high school, are you her only romantic/sexual partner, and vice versa? I can see why you are both curious about what is out there.

This is a board for polyamory, not for just open, sexual relationships. So part of getting ready is understanding how each of you will feel when the other has sex with others, and also, potentially, falls in love, or at least becomes infatuated with another, or more than one other.

Do you have kids? Do you have plenty of free time and money to date? Have you decided where the sex will happen? At your house or somewhere else? Are you prepared to date lots of duds before you find a keeper? Are you prepared to struggle with jealousy and envy, fear of loss, FOMO, etc.,etc.?

Have you or she done any reading of books about polyamory or ENM? Read any websites, listened to any podcasts?

Are you aware that women, even poly women, are wary of dating a married man?

Just fantasizing about opening up is one thing. Actually having the resources and skills to do it is something else entirely.

I'd start by reading some books (or listening to them): Opening Up, Polysecure, Sex at Dawn, Non-Violent Communication, are a few good ones.
 
I have Polywise coming in Saturday and we're booked some couple's counselling you help us deal with the emotions and other couple's dynamic as we move forward.

Thanks for all the advice folks. This community is pretty alright!
 
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