Moving Forward, Looking Back

Life seems to be a constant series of twists and turns. There are days I wish that it would just go straight and smooth for a little while, then I realize how boring that would become and change my mind rather quickly. I’m not fond of boring.

I’m female, married, currently pandemic induced monogamous. My husband is male and hopefully not forever monogamous. I realize how odd that sounds sometimes, I have what most people want, a faithful husband who loves and supports me in all my crazy goals and dreams. However, I fully realize that I am more than a little ambitious, overly dedicated to many causes that are not necessarily “his thing”, and find many of his preferred activities rather boring. In short, my idea of a great vacation is a week in the woods in primitive conditions and his is a week touring art museums or playing on the beach. I would love for him to find a second companion who shared more of his interests.

I make it sound like we are strangers in our marriage, which is not true. We are very much in love, very much best friends and partners in crime, and very much planning permanence in each other’s futures. But I would feel very selfish having another partner and feeling like he was sitting alone at home…

I have a long background in poly, most of it rather horrible. There will be stories later, that is the looking back part. He was in a V, tried to make it an N, and wound up single. Again, there will be stories. In spite of the past issues, I truly believe poly can be good and right. I’ve seen plenty of proof of this in the relationships of my friends. I have full faith that we can figure it out (if only COVID will go the hell away and let my life get back to normal) because we have a strong relationship and great communication skills.

I realize that this is more of an intro than a blog at this point (although a good blog must include an intro at some point), but I started here instead of the introductions thread because I welcome feedback and comments, and it seems like this is the thread for that. I’m hoping I find a great community of like minded individuals here.

Well, this seems like a good place to close today. Otherwise I may very well run on all night and tell my whole life story in one sitting. That would be sad, because it would leave me nothing to talk about tomorrow…
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Welcome. I look forward to your story. Generally, blogs don't get comments or advice unless the author specifically asks for it. If you do need feedback more urgently, you can start a thread in the Relationships section (and continue to blog as you wish). You'll get more readers and responders there.
 
Urgent assistance probably isn’t necessary, it was more a general “comments are welcome”statement. I enjoy interaction and I like to hear the thoughts and opinions of others, so I figured I would let readers know that they are welcome to post here.

I’ve been pondering today why I’m drawn to multiple relationships. I’m afraid most people have always seen me as strange because of this. The world at large sees me as immoral at best, and I’ve been called many things worse over the years. I once had a therapist tell me I was a sex addict and I asked if that was the case why was I not really interested in sex with any person. She found no answer to that one, and that was my last visit with her. Don’t get me wrong, I very much enjoy physical intimacy, it just hasn’t ever been my prime motive for multiple relationships.

I’m addicted to deep connections. I enjoy knowing people completely. I crave meaningful conversations. I test boundaries (my own and those set by society) and I am constantly challenging myself and those around me to grow. I simply wear people out lol. I want mental stimulation, and lots of it. I have found that deep exploration such as this often causes a connection that goes beyond friendship, and I enjoy the freedom to explore those connections also. I have always found monogamy stifling.

There were many years that I thought there was something wrong with me. I was constantly pushing away my desire to get close to somebody because I was obeying societal expectations to be “faithful”. My first marriage ended when my husband found a girlfriend on the side. The girlfriend didn’t bother me, the fact that he expected me to be faithful to him while he was with another girl did us in. But when I tried to explain to friends and family what I was upset about the looked at me like I had just grown horns. I was supposed to be upset that he was cheating I guess.

I’m blessed to have found my husband. He “gets it”. I no longer have to hide the fact that I find other people interesting, and I no longer have to fight with my desire to let things progress as they will rather than remaining “friends” and ignoring the crazy magnetism that is sometimes barely below the surface. I love that I am able to be fully myself in his presence and out of it.

Ugh! I ramble away and waste all my writing time. But I must admit that it’s nice to process these thoughts in a space that I don’t feel likely to be judged. That is all too uncommon in my current section of this world.

Tomorrow is another day… and another story.
 
It’s funny sometimes how looking back can affect a person. Memories hold so much emotion, and while that emotion does fade over time, it never quite fades away and just leaves. And there are moments that some of those emotions leaving would be just fine with me.

I’m thinking of my ex today, let’s call him Fire. I was not long out of a long-term monogamous relationship (a rather nasty one), and Fire spent most of that first date cautioning me that he didn’t “do” monogamy. Fine with me lol, I’m not looking to get trapped again anyway.

We had a strange first six months. I was crazy about him for a variety of reasons, but I was also enjoying having my independence and spending time doing the things that made ME happy for the first time in many years. Ours was mostly a DADT relationship. Mostly because I had no energy for much interest in what he was doing while away from me. It was actually a pretty great six months!

Then he had the horrible idea of inviting me to spend the weekend with him at an event that his other girlfriend was also at. However, he failed to tell her that he was inviting me, and failed to tell me that she would be there. Does anyone see a disaster coming? Because it was certainly a disaster.

The day ended with her being particularly nasty and telling me I was a play toy he would discard after a few months, and with me telling him that maybe this wasn’t such a great idea and he should figure things out with her. Open relationships are great, being attacked by a jealous metamour in public is not so great.

In the end Fire and I worked through things and he wound up leaving her. She told everyone that I made him choose, when it was actually her jealousy that did her in. I’m not a jealous person by nature, it takes too much energy, but I did set some serious expectations on his need to communicate better! We had a few more years, mostly good, but he never really did get that communication thing down.

I’ve often been accused of wanting to be monogamous, but that really isn’t the case. I don’t enjoy drama, I am possessive of “my time”, and I tend to be a rather solitary person. I am also decidedly opposed to accepting the bullshit that many people bring with them into a relationship, and apparently all of that makes me a rather poor metamour in today’s community.

Have I failed to properly advance with the times?
 

Mthood143

New member
I’m addicted to deep connections. I enjoy knowing people completely. I crave meaningful conversations. I test boundaries (my own and those set by society) and I am constantly challenging myself and those around me to grow. I simply wear people out lol. I want mental stimulation, and lots of it. I have found that deep exploration such as this often causes a connection that goes beyond friendship, and I enjoy the freedom to explore those connections also. I have always found monogamy stifling.
Same. Drawn heavily towards deep connection, stretching, understanding self and other. And eff inauthentic fear, right?

I’m wondering…you said earlier that you don’t like to be bored. Is it a stimulus thing (like you need to feel “wild” and stimulated) or is it interpersonal stretching of your comfort zone around relationship? Or both. Or something else?

I like a good non-interpersonal experience but I’m not seeking out my next zip line or scuba dive (but hell yeah I’ll go!). However, sit someone in front of me and you can count on me pushing through small talk in under 5 minutes.

I also fatigue people sometimes. I don’t mean to. Surface level relationships are boring. Agreed.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I’ve often been accused of wanting to be monogamous, but that really isn’t the case. I don’t enjoy drama, I am possessive of “my time”, and I tend to be a rather solitary person. I am also decidedly opposed to accepting the bullshit that many people bring with them into a relationship, and apparently all of that makes me a rather poor metamour in today’s community.
I think that sounds like a perfectly good set of qualities in a metamour - I mean, I lean towards kitchen table but there are metas that I hang out with, like, once a quarter or once a year and that's also fine - they don't bring drama to me, I don't bring it to them, we're cordial, life is good. As long as what you mean by "possessive of your time" isn't actually code for "possessive of my partners' schedule" ;-)
 
I’m wondering…you said earlier that you don’t like to be bored. Is it a stimulus thing (like you need to feel “wild” and stimulated) or is it interpersonal stretching of your comfort zone around relationship? Or both. Or something else?

I think it’s a little of both. I’m usually up for the adventures friends suggest. Tell me you want to try zip lining and I’m going to schedule a weekend trip around that adventure. It intimidates some people, because they are dreaming of “one day” and I make it “now”. My husband said he wanted to snorkel the coral reef… I set up a cruise and an excursion package. Want to climb a mountain and watch the sun rise? I know just the place lol, when are you free?

But it’s also about growth. I’m a constant learner, I love attending classes. I’ll argue politics and religion for hours… but only if you promise that we will walk away still friends. Sit by a fire all night and talk about the meaning of life? YES PLEASE!!!! I adore intelligent conversation and crave other people’s opinions and ideas.

But I hate Netflix and chill, and bars, and gossip, or anything along similar lines. My friends call me high needs, they don’t mean it in a bad way, and I find that completely true.
 

Mthood143

New member
My friends call me high needs, they don’t mean it in a bad way, and I find that completely true.
I think you are secretly reading my memoirs. My friends roll their eyes sometimes when I ask my favorite question.

“Why?”

I feel someone should always know why they do something, say something, feel something. I think it is a cop out and a form of denial (of responsibility) when someone says, “I don’t know”.

It tells me they aren’t willing to ask the questions and look for answers. Sadly, that is most people I’ve met.

So, yes, “high needs” applies to me too.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Oh nice, I'd book adventure travel, too, if I could afford it! But I'm just trying to get to the States to visit my partner in his home town. Then vice versa. Then we may get a little more creative.
 
As long as what you mean by "possessive of your time" isn't actually code for "possessive of my partners' schedule" ;-)
Only in the way of our time is ours and I would prefer not to have them on the phone or texting another partner the whole time. And I don’t feel that’s much of an ask. I give the same respect back also. If we have a few days together planned then a daily catch up is perfectly ok, but if we’re on a three hour date and there are 20 texts I’m annoyed.

I’m also not particularly interested in weekly date nights with “all parties” involved lol. I don’t mind doing that for holidays or special events at all, actually I sometimes enjoy that, but i might only see that partner once a week, I would like time to focus on us.

With that being said, I would LOVE if my partner started dating somebody that I could become close friends with. That might change my perspective on group dates a little!
 

Mthood143

New member
With that being said, I would LOVE if my partner started dating somebody that I could become close friends with. That might change my perspective on group dates a little!
I love my partner. If her boyfriend makes her smile I love seeing that. In that sense, I would love to give him a hug and thank him for his role in her happiness and mine as well being a helluva compersion kind of guy. I have a very true appreciation for people that contribute to love on our earth.

She is amazing. I would love to sit her down and have her hear that from both of us. I think that can really speak volumes to someone, that they are being focused on with so much love. It can drive growth, heal wounds, and make all things now seem possible.

Love fests with clothes on! Let’s go!
 
Hi.
Out of curiosity, have you seen other therapists since? Has anyone else brought up the topic of sex addiction with you?

I'm considering booking an appointment with a counselor and wonder if they'll bring up sex addiction with me.
 
Hi.
Out of curiosity, have you seen other therapists since? Has anyone else brought up the topic of sex addiction with you?

I'm considering booking an appointment with a counselor and wonder if they'll bring up sex addiction with me.
No, I learned that Nature is the most wonderful therapist. She doesn’t give you much advice, but she sure has a great way of helping you figure out how to solve your own problems.
 
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