Moving new young bf in, sudden pregnancy

Gemma sounds a little like a cult leader. I wonder if she was trying to make a baby so as to keep you both close and committed because she has a child by you both.

I agree with Ariakis. If this were a situation where everyone agreed to a D/s relationship, whereby Gemma is lord and master and you are her slaves, then I would have more patience. If I think of it this way I actually don't skirt the razor blade edge of losing it. Interesting thought, Ari. Really, you have all agreed to stay in it by not doing anything to change it.

Fuck it. I'm giving you my opinion anyway. I think if this were me I would take my child and leave. I would go to my parents' house, stand in the doorway and say, "I have really fucked up. I need your help and so does your grandchild." If they are a loving family that supports you then they will help. No grandparent that I know of can leave their grandchild in need.

I suspect Gemma will hit the roof, and you will still put your pay cheques towards supporting their seemingly insane world, but at least your child will be safe, and you will be too. That way, maybe you can work on getting a backbone and supporting your child and yourself, working towards a future you can be proud to be raising your child in, one that will make her proud of her daddy one day, rather than her blowing you off later in life because you didn't stand up for her right to a sane childhood.

There you go. That's my opinion. Take it or leave it.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
She's used you as a paycheck and door mat. Time to kick them out on their asses. Really, who will blame you once they know her story? She'll be crucified and rightly so. She's making a fool of you, my friend.
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Mono, get out of my head! It's my wife's job to say what I think!

Seriously dude, get the kid and get the hell out of this crap-ass situation. There's no poly here, just use and abuse.
 
Dude... Dude. Fucking really?

I feel like she's manipulating the fact that you're autistic. She knows you might have trouble telling when you overreact, so when you react rationally and normally she makes a big fuss and shames you into changing your reaction.

She's playing you. Take your child and leave. In seven months, get a DNA test on the new baby, and if they are your child, take them too.
 
Just about the circumcision thing, I come from Europe, where pretty much no guys are circ'ed (only the Jewish ones). Then I moved here to North Africa, where pretty much all guys from my generation are. So I've experienced both.

When you're erect, I honestly can't say it makes a difference, as far as I can tell. Hell, there have been times I didn't know if a guy was circumcised or not, because I saw him erect first, until I saw him non-erect. So no, I can't imagine it makes any difference in conception.

It seems to me she just wants him to be the father. I don't envy your situation at all. It sounds really horrible. I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, just my support.

Trying to make you feel bad about your penis is BS. One isn't better than the other. I mean, I can understand liking one better than the other, I guess, but it's not something you can help or anything, so at this point she's just being mean on purpose, in my opinion.
 
Also chiming in on the circumcision thing. I do think that circumcision is mutilation. I really wish my boyfriends weren't circumcised. But not for my sake, for theirs. I am given to understand that an uncircumcised penis is more sensitive and such. As far as being on the receiving end, I like penises. Circumcised, uncircumcised, big, small, whatever. And I would never, EVER, EVER tell a boyfriend that his member looks "mutilated," or is less capable of pleasuring me, or any other bullshit cruel line like that. That was just unacceptably insensitive of her.

As for what I'd do in your situation, I'd show her this thread and all of its replies, and demand that she seek counselling with you for better communication. Or I'd take the kid and go. And when the next kid is born, have a DNA test. If you're the dad, take that one too, or give Gemma the option of booting out klepto-emo-boy and make an attempt at resurrecting the family that she ruined.

If I were her, in a situation as awful as this, and realized what damage I'd done, I'd have an abortion just to not bring a child - a defenseless child!! - into this utter trainwreck of a life. No child should be forced into such a dysfunctional mess. The person I hurt most for in your situation isn't you, it's your little girl. Healthy polyamorous families are perfectly fine environments for kids. So are healthy monogamous families. The key words are healthy and families. You are currently not living like a family, and the situation is anything but healthy. For the sake of your girl, and the kid on the way, stand up for yourself and seek some professional help.

If you insist on trying to make this mess work, you need to all seek poly-friendly counselling, now, before it gets even worse.
 
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Furthermore, the best sex I've had was with a guy who was circumcised. Also, as long as a guy is capable of ejaculation, I think whether he is circumcised or not must be entirely irrelevant to conception.

Please don't be self-conscious about your penis. Penises are wonderful bits of anatomy. Each is unique (just like the person they're attached to) and worthy of being enjoyed.
 
More confused than ever

I'm grateful to those of you who have given a shit enough to come back to this thread and offer your thoughts on the situation, even though I'm not able to make common-sense decisions or stick up for myself. To say that having Griff move in with us was reckless would be an understatement. But he is here now and I have to decide what to do with him.

You guys are right. The marriage is one-sided and there's a serious lack of communication. It's not that Gemma doesn't care. I believe that she's very sensitive to my feelings, when/if I ever make them clearly known to her. It's just that she responds to most disagreements I have with her by being hurt and crying. She has always been very manipulative in a quiet and gentle sort of way, almost like a mother explaining some difficult concepts to a child. Also, I will admit that sometimes my Asperger's Syndrome does cause me to see certain aspects of the world in a childish or naive way.

But she has taken it too far, and I'm going to let her know. It's just really hard to make the transition. When it was just the two of us, it was okay for me to enjoy being mostly subservient to her, because her love and gratitude was there all the time. Now that she splits her time between the two of us (and right now unevenly so), these times when I'm alone are foreign and unsettling to me.

Last night I found out that Griff is more mature and thoughtful than he had led me to believe. Gemma was feeling better that evening, so Griff gave me some money and told us to enjoy a nice dinner and a movie while he watched our daughter. We had a steak dinner at our favorite restaurant. Gemma told me she had been missing me a lot and wanted to spend more time alone with me. She said she was looking forward to sleeping with me when her morning sickness went away. It was very reassuring to me.

When we got back to the apartment, all the food stains had been scrubbed out of the carpet, everything was put away, the carpet was vacuumed, the dishes were washed, a load of laundry was washed and folded. It was obvious he spent the whole evening cleaning. Griff and our daughter were sitting calmly at the table enjoying a nutritious meal of well-seasoned salmon and asparagus. Except we shouldn't have had any salmon or asparagus for him to cook. I opened the fridge and freezer and they were full of new groceries that Griff had bought, including chocolate pudding, which is my favorite, which the other two don't eat. He got the money to pay for all this by selling off more than half of his precious manga collection on Craigslist.

I went to thank Griff for what he did, but he was apologetic and wished he could do more. He felt guilty about not having a job, but felt that it was more important that somebody stay home to care for Gemma while she is sick. I agree that it's important we don't leave her weak and vomiting in bed all day with a two-year-old to look after. So I told him it was okay and just to concentrate on college. He seemed really guilty.

Gemma was on the computer watching our old home movies. We all watched the baby's first crawl and first steps, and other cute videos of the three of us playing together in happier times. Then Griff started crying and saying that he felt like an outsider, wanted to be part of the family, but didn't think that he ever really could be. We all kinda broke down.

Griff asked me today if I would find a local therapist that he could see for his depression. He has feelings of inferiority and has been having a really hard time adjusting from living with his mom to dealing with all the responsibilities that I am used to as a father. He is going to see a therapist (covered by Medicaid) now, and the three of us are going to start having weekly meetings to talk about things, and hopefully things will get better.
 
Well that was a sudden turn of events. What changed?

My friend has Asperger's, and he and his partner are poly. They highly recommend a book that I can't remember the name of. They are also in constant therapy to help communicate. If you want the name of the book, let me know and I will seek it out. They swear by it!
 
Skynight, that is great! It seems that Griff realised the situation and decided to own up and make things better, which is definitely very good of him! Getting off to a bad start happens, but I do believe things can get better, especially with the therapy and the new policy of talking together more.
I think spending time together, the three of you, should help Griff feel less like an outsider, although of course it will probably take some time for you guys to get into the new dynamics of things.

Of course, you also need some time in pairs... Including you and Griff, so you can get to know each other better and bond.

I think it took a great turn and I hope you'll manage to stay on that road. It seems Griff wants things to be fair for everyone, too, so that's good.

Best wishes!
 
I hope that this is not just an isolated incident. It's great that he placed priority for you folks above that of his comic books THIS time, but it does nothing to address long-term issues. You all still need to eat NEXT month.
 
OMG!!!! Your situation is almost parallel to mine. I, the wife, was the one that approached hubby about polyamory after falling in love with someone else. We've got NRE all over the place and are really trying to take things slow.

I can also really relate to your concerns about your Griff being so young. My husband's new love is only 18, and we haven't met her in person yet either. I am very concerned about her maturity level and age with this kind of relationship structure. But so far things are going well for us. We are just taking things a little at a time.

Good luck to you.
 
PixieStyx said:
OMG!!!! Your situation is almost parallel to mine. I being the wife was the one that aprroached hubby about polyamory after falling in love with someone else. We've got NRE all over the place and are really trying to take things slow. I can also really relate to your concerns about your wife's friend being so young. My husband's new love is only 18 and we haven't met her in person yet either. I am very concerned about her maturity level and age with this kind of relationship structure. But so far things are going well for us. We are just taking things a little at a time.

Good Luck to you
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Is your husband asking you to let her and her comic books and video games to move in with you from halfway across the country with no job and no money after writing letters to her probation officer because she was convicted for shoplifting from Hot Topic?

Sorry about the run-on sentence just there.
 
NeonKaos said:
Is your husband asking you to let her and her comic books and video games to move in with you from halfway across the country with no job and no money after writing letters to her probation officer because she was convicted for shoplifting from Hot Topic?
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Haha. No, it's not that extreme. But his girlfriend has lived in foster care for years and she just turned 18 in March. She has goals and ambitions, and she's going to beauty school in the fall. But when my husband first met her, she was possibly pregnant with her ex's baby. So we talked about the possibility of moving her in and helping her raising it. I'm glad that we aren't going to have to do that though, and she is hell bent on going to school, which is good.

My big concern is her possibly unstable past. I don't have any idea about why she was in foster care and what happened with her family. I haven't dared ask. She currently works as a nanny and takes care of kids, so we also considered moving her in to help tend our kids. But right now our relationships are far too new.

My advice to you (as if I could give any, as I'm just as new at this lol), is just to take things slow as possible. It's really difficult, I know. But talking about anything and everything and keeping that communication open really really helps. Tell Gemma ALL your feelings and make it known to her that you expect her to consider ALL of your feelings too. That was one thing I really kept in mind, because I knew that asking my husband to let me have a lover was really asking just too much of him. So I trod lightly and let him sort out his own feelings about it first, before I pressed anymore about it.

We still have iffy feelings about the whole situation, but each day brings new experiences and we take it as it comes.
 
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