Much ado about nothing

S

Samuel23

New member
Hi everybody,

My wife and I dated for several years, and just got married about 18 months ago. Before we got married she disclosed that she felt that she was polyamorous and wanted to open our relationship up. I was hesitant, but I agreed to it in principle. I had never had a non-monogamous relationship before, and didn't know how I would react to it. I thought the only way to understand was to try it out, and see how it went. I was also afraid to lose her.

It went badly at first. I think most of the issues we had were normal when one partner wants polyamory and the other isn't sure about it. At the time, I didn't understand that it was part of her identity, and I thought it was just something she wanted. We nearly broke up several times, but always managed to work it out. It's been very difficult, mainly because of communication issues. Both of us dated, and were jealous of one another's partners. I was jealous because her boyfriend seemed like a risky choice for professional reasons, and because he was monogamous. I say that because he said he would leave when he found a real girlfriend, and a couple of other comments. I felt that he subverted our relationship, and would have preferred for her to see him exclusively. I accept that I don't know that for sure, but that's how it felt at the time. My dating was more casual, I hooked up with a woman and dated another for a couple of weeks, but I didn't develop more serious feelings for her because she wanted eventual monogamy. My wife didn't like her, but she didn't really get time to adjust to her either.

A few weeks ago I got a job opportunity that would make poly more difficult to pull off. Its a long process to get into it, and it's still only a possibility at this stage. My wife decided to break up with her boyfriend so I could accept the opportunity, and was understandably hurt by it. I didn't coerce her, but I think she did it mainly for me. Before she ended it with her boyfriend, she spent the weekend of my birthday with him, and that really hurt. I was out of town for work and I didn't know it was going to upset me until I was in that position.

I keep a journal and I write in it when I'm really upset. It's good because I get some of my more negative emotions out without being destructive. I just write things before I really think them through. Sometimes I write things that I don't really mean, and sometimes it's an exaggerated version of the truth. A few weeks ago my wife read my journal while I was at work. I'm not mad about that. It really hurt her, understandably so. I didn't know how much she read, and when I caught her reading it, she said she was at a part that didn't have all the hurtful stuff. She was bummed out for a week, and I was upset that she wouldn't have a discussion with me about what was bothering her. I got angry with her and asked her to stay somewhere else. She said she wants to get divorced now, and feels like she's just going to hurt me if we stay together.

I respect her wishes, truly. I'm prepared to give her space, we will be separated for professional reasons again. I can move on if I have to. I didn't think anything that I wrote is the type of thing that can't be forgiven. It was mostly at times when I was upset or disappointed by things like her date on my birthday. I feel like most of this stuff is the growing pains associated with being more honest and vulnerable, but she seems too emotionally exhausted to continue. From more experienced eyes, is this normal? She doesn't think I can handle it, but I think we just made a lot of mistakes that everybody makes and we could work together. I think monogamy would be easier, but not necessarily better, especially if that's who she is.

Thank you for your patience, at this point anything would help.
 
I think her reading your journal was a privacy violation and a breech of trust. At least I know that's how I would feel if it were my journal.

It's your journal and you have a right to a safe place to share your feelings with yourself.

Did she say why she wants a divorce now?
 
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I wish she wouldn't have read it, but I'm not offended. We seemed to be doing well before she read it

From what I've been able to gather, it really comes down to the idea that she thinks that I won't be happy with her in a non-monogamous relationship, and I'd say anything to stay with her. I understand why she would think that after reading some of the things I wrote. But speaking from my heart, what I wrote was just to get some of the anxiety out. I think the last six months or so have been too difficult and if its more of that she doesn't want it.

In reality, I just want to work on it, and develop boundaries that fulfill both of us.
 
It is very good of you to not be angry at her for reading your journal. It is, I think, understandable to want entry into a partner's innermost musings, even though it is also a breach of trust.

I've been talking a lot lately about self-work. I know a lot of couples (and poly networks) that have "share troubling thoughts or feelings, issues etc, IMMEDIATELY so they don't have time to stew up" rules. I think this needs to vary based on the needs and thought styles of the people involved. Personally, I think it would be a terrible idea for me. I very often have grumbly days full of nasty feelings that are based on petty stuff, or temporary personal situations like hunger or tiredness, stress, PMS, you name it. Sometimes letting a little time go by before I try to bring forward a problem, helps me resolve the problem (which probably wasn't actually that much of a problem) by myself. Being the sort who doesn't like needless drama, I prefer to operate this way.

Therefore blogging, or calling my Mom, or journaling, can help me chew and process my issues in deciding just how much of an issue really exists. The way I feel about it in a grouchy upset moment may not be the way I feel in a couple of days.

And if I lived with a partner and I were using a journal, I would need for them to understand that. My journal is not "what I REALLY think" or my true and uncensored thoughts/feelings. It's raw, unprocessed junk, that isn't refined enough to share with civilized company in a serious way. Or maybe in your case, kind of blowing off steam. I hope that you can communicate that to your wife, and that she can understand it and accept it, and maybe respect your space to HAVE those *shoot from the hip* feelings, and also respect that you don't want to ruin her day with it every time you have them.

The rest of the stuff you've got going on in life and the relationship...is the rest of the stuff. You might resolve it successfully or not. But that factor alone, I hope it doesn't trigger any kind of a death-march to the end for you two. I don't think it should.
 
I have a journal. Hubby knows better than to read it. (It's on my computer, but he has my computer password.)

I have a blog on this forum that serves the same purpose as a journal. I've told Hubby and Woody--as well as my two previous boyfriends--that my blog is where I hash things out in my brain and spew bullshit so it doesn't build up and explode, and that I say harsh, cruel things there that I would never say to them, that I just need to get out of my head so I can move forward. I've had to explain that to some of the members here too...

Point being, though, that although I've told both of my current partners and both of my previous ones about this site, and have asked only that they not read my blog if they come here, all four of them chose not to even come to the site at all so that I would have a safe place to process and rant. My ex-boyfriend S2 told me not to even tell him the name of the site, because he didn't want to get curious and try to check it out anyway. Hell, even the FWB I had for about a month and a half between breaking up with S2 and meeting Woody gave me that consideration.

Privacy is a HUGE issue for me, as is trust, and it's invaluable to me that those men gave me such consideration. If any of them did go behind my back to read my blog, or if Hubby opened up my computer-based journal, I don't know that I would be able to forgive them. I certainly wouldn't trust them again.

You're a better person than I am to not be angry with your wife about this. I hope she understands what a violation it was to read your private thoughts as she did. And honestly, the fact that she's using that as a basis to say she wants a divorce... *You* were the wronged party. *You* are the one who might or might not have a problem with her being poly. If *she* wants a divorce, in my opinion, she ought not be using your journal and assumptions about your thoughts as an excuse, she should give you her own reasons.
 
My partners know about the site and my blog, and I'm fine with them reading my stuff here. I've reiterated my need to process many times, and they all know how I am.

What I write might be a little...unprocessed, even dare I say bitchy...like my rant in my blog about my eating habits. But I don't think there's anything here that would be a big deal if they read it. And Fire probably does. But I never tried to keep this here as my private space.

The only person I've really talked smack about here was my ex, and I think he deserves it, and if he reads my words, they are nothing but the harsh truth as I see it. Oh well!
 
Thanks for listening Spork and KC,

I see how much that would bother some other people, I just wish that it hadn't triggered something this big.

From her perspective, a lot of what was written in there would feel terrible to hear someone say to you. And it sucks to think your husband would write that stuff down. I just wish she could accept that it isn't reality. I was just venting when I felt really bad about some things that I had a valid reason to feel bad about, and some that I didn't, but needed to process somehow. Now in the light of day, I don't agree with the things that I wrote when I was emotional, I just remember feeling them.

I think we were in a fragile place before this happened, and it just made her feel like we were kinda doomed.
 
Hi Samuel23,

Even though you've been very gracious toward your wife about her reading your journal, the fact remains she is responsible for the internal fallout and you shouldn't have to pay for it (e.g. via a divorce). I suppose you could try to explain that to her, but I'm not sure she'd listen. Maybe it would worsen the situation (although can it get worse when you're already divorcing?).

What about the idea of seeing a counselor together (a poly-friendly one of course)? Would she be willing to do that?

Sorry this has happened.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
We did see a poly friendly counselor before this happened, and it did help. But now we are about to be geographically separated for work again.

As for the journal, we have spoken about it, but only generally. I said some of the things I've posted earlier, but I don't know if she accepts that. She agreed that was what led to her funk that made sharing a small space with her very difficult. I didn't even make the connection that the journal was what upset her until a couple of days later.

You guys have been kind and I appreciate that. I really needed somebody to hear me on this stuff.
 
No problem, I hope we can help.

Is this work-related separation a permanent thing?
 
We don't work together, but work for the same institution. My assignment ends tomorrow, and hers continues for another week. I would have stayed here and then we would have gone on vacation together. After that I was going to do a work separation until she could move to my next spot.

It sucks because I was hoping she'd change her mind, in each conversation she seems like she's becoming more adamant about me leaving. I'm trying not to talk her into it, just give her options.

I understand and will give her the space she needs. Though I would rather fix things than have it just wither on the vine.
 
Well, what about the old saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Maybe it won't wither on the vine. Maybe it'll give her some perspective on what a divorce would be like ... Who knows?

Just a thought.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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