TurtlzAllTheWay
New member
Dear community,
First of all thank you for being here. I’m sure I have a lot to learn from all of you!
My husband (“M”) and I have been married for ten years. Six years ago he started having serious problems and it was eventually discovered he had a brain tumor. Four years ago he had a ten-hour long surgery to remove it (it was very deep and life-threatening). The bizarre nature of the perceptual, emotional, and cognitive changes, as well as personality changes and bouts of unexpected and temporary genius that he experienced, is enough to warrant a chapter in a book by Oliver Sacks. Needless to say, there never really has been a return to anything close to normal in our lives ever since.
We have two teenage children (from my former marriage); one of them is on the autism spectrum, so both he and M require quite a bit of micromanaging in day-to-day living. Both of our children were seriously affected by the health crisis and are seeing multiple therapists- and I’m the only one in the family who can drive and has a full-time job. At times I struggle with feeling isolated and overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities.
I made a friend (“J”) this past year through a volunteer experience and we have been close ever since, being in contact online every day. He’s been an enormous source of emotional support for me and I’ve grown to love him dearly. He lives very far away, and since he came to visit a few months ago it’s become abundantly clear that we love each other. I feel like I threw a grenade into my marriage. We are all trying to come to terms with what all of this means.
I am certain that I have grown to love two people simultaneously and sincerely. And M is certainly not thrilled about this. He feels confused, and at times questions how I had let my boundaries down to have gotten myself into this. But at the same time he has always valued my unconventional views of life and is supportive of my personal growth and happiness. He’s always been very progressive and supportive of all gender identities and sexualities. Once I told him that I feel like I’m coming to terms with my sexual identity; it’s not the first time I’ve been in love with more than one person. Intellectually I think he gets it, but emotionally I know this is a bitter pill for him to take.
Questions I am exploring are (and perhaps this should go on the relationships feed): what is the nature of consent when a partner suffers cognitive dysfunction and can’t fully, or at least consistently, meet the (emotional, sexual, logistics of running a household) needs of their spouse. And is it fair when someone has lost the full abilities of their brain, lost their career, and now their wife wants a boyfriend? And is non-monogamy fair when one has been essentially a caregiver since the age of 39. How do married couples’ visions of their futures together evolve when one spouse becomes attached to another loved one? Also the nagging guilt and shame I still feel, having let myself fall in love with someone else, with eyes wide open (I had let this happen in my previous marriage and knew the warning signs), not holding up to what I had expected of our marriage or to society’s expectations.
Thank you-
First of all thank you for being here. I’m sure I have a lot to learn from all of you!
My husband (“M”) and I have been married for ten years. Six years ago he started having serious problems and it was eventually discovered he had a brain tumor. Four years ago he had a ten-hour long surgery to remove it (it was very deep and life-threatening). The bizarre nature of the perceptual, emotional, and cognitive changes, as well as personality changes and bouts of unexpected and temporary genius that he experienced, is enough to warrant a chapter in a book by Oliver Sacks. Needless to say, there never really has been a return to anything close to normal in our lives ever since.
We have two teenage children (from my former marriage); one of them is on the autism spectrum, so both he and M require quite a bit of micromanaging in day-to-day living. Both of our children were seriously affected by the health crisis and are seeing multiple therapists- and I’m the only one in the family who can drive and has a full-time job. At times I struggle with feeling isolated and overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities.
I made a friend (“J”) this past year through a volunteer experience and we have been close ever since, being in contact online every day. He’s been an enormous source of emotional support for me and I’ve grown to love him dearly. He lives very far away, and since he came to visit a few months ago it’s become abundantly clear that we love each other. I feel like I threw a grenade into my marriage. We are all trying to come to terms with what all of this means.
I am certain that I have grown to love two people simultaneously and sincerely. And M is certainly not thrilled about this. He feels confused, and at times questions how I had let my boundaries down to have gotten myself into this. But at the same time he has always valued my unconventional views of life and is supportive of my personal growth and happiness. He’s always been very progressive and supportive of all gender identities and sexualities. Once I told him that I feel like I’m coming to terms with my sexual identity; it’s not the first time I’ve been in love with more than one person. Intellectually I think he gets it, but emotionally I know this is a bitter pill for him to take.
Questions I am exploring are (and perhaps this should go on the relationships feed): what is the nature of consent when a partner suffers cognitive dysfunction and can’t fully, or at least consistently, meet the (emotional, sexual, logistics of running a household) needs of their spouse. And is it fair when someone has lost the full abilities of their brain, lost their career, and now their wife wants a boyfriend? And is non-monogamy fair when one has been essentially a caregiver since the age of 39. How do married couples’ visions of their futures together evolve when one spouse becomes attached to another loved one? Also the nagging guilt and shame I still feel, having let myself fall in love with someone else, with eyes wide open (I had let this happen in my previous marriage and knew the warning signs), not holding up to what I had expected of our marriage or to society’s expectations.
Thank you-
