my assumptions, his assumptions, never voiced - now voiced and conflict

V

valelapena

New member
One of us (me) is willing to negotiate and gave lots of ground. One of us (him) is not. The little ground he was willing to allow me he is angry about and actually negates its worth.

I am NEW to poly and he isn't. HOW is this possible?! My understanding is it's all compromise and discussion. Is it even possible this will work?

He looks down on me for my "coming from mono" assumptions even though i'm willing to throw (most) of them out the window with logic. HE on the other hand expects the world and simply gets arrogant and angry if it's not 100% his way.

When not actually in discussion on a topic, he says he is willing to compromise and preaches communication, understanding and moving slow, but when we actually come to a topic he is disdainful, judgemental and ready to quit if I show any of my mono colors. (ha! mono colors - that would just be one color wouldn't it? lol)

Anyway - I'm seriously pissed off right now and as before believe I am actually the BETTER candidate for a poly relationship (a real one which involves communication, true care for the others involved and a willingness to compromise) than he is.

I am really starting to think that what he really wants without knowing it himself is not poly - it's just dating everyone/anyone with absolutely no boundaries. (Possibly poly, but he's not willing to put in the effort to discuss, think and compromise if it's exactly the way he wants it and judges as lacking anyone who doesn't feel the same whilst preaching communication and compromise to actually make it a relationship of any kind).

BLARGH!!!! And DOUBLE DRAT.

Any advice/thoughts so much appreciated. Happy to give specifics, but honestly "insert issue here" and the above story works.
 
specifics

ok so i think maybe it will be more impactful (to either support or destroy) my argument with specifics so here they are....


I said i thought rules around communication with other partners would make me feel more comfortable. As it is he is on his phone all the time and it drives me crazy so if you add a bunch of other partners to it, he would be traveling backwards in time.

Not to mention it's annoying to feel like the person you're hanging out with is thinking of and/or talking to someone else (or waiting to) while they are supposed to be focused on you.

Which then evolved into a conversation about when it would be ok to have communications and i was thinking "just not at home" - LOL (now i think LOL but hadn't thought it through before and it seemed reasonable that when he was home with me he wouldn't be talking to, expecting to talk to, waiting to talk to someone else).

Obviously this is stupid, so we ended up just compromising on a single day of "home time" where we sleep in late on saturday, have sex of some sort, make brunch together and just figure out some fun for the day (or do art together which we love). Which is what we do now.

I felt good about having an open enough mind to acknowledge the stupidity of my first thought (though of course my secret self would love to be that covetous) and made myself be satisfied with saturdays. He on the other hand is angry - now napping and simply shut down unwilling to talk and not willing to articulate his feelings about why this compromise isn't ok to him.

He is judgemental and said things like "we are fundamentally and philosophically different" - which i truly believe we are not. I simply have chosen a less complicated life due mostly to work so far. Life is now presenting me with the need to make different choices and though it's painful and difficult and scary for me - I think it's the right thing to do.

His opinion on this is "it's too hard for you and it's hurting you so you are not poly". Of course it's hard. All my constructs are being shattered! I've held tightly to those my whole life even though it felt wrong!!! That's even harder - holding soap!!! (made of acid)!!! You'd think he'd understand that feeling and help me through it. Not judge me for it.

Is it even reasonable AT ALL to think poly folks - even those of you who are very experienced and evolved - didn't at the outset struggle with things especially if you weren't the ones making the decision at first to move to a poly lifestyle?

I feel like the victim of reverse-discrimination. And because i have not already BEEN poly I cannot BE poly if i struggle with it at all.

I'm so proud of myself for my willingness to see the absurdity of my initial (and completely off the cuff though) and compromise on this instead of holding on to my old constructs of what "home" is. I can even see dropping the saturdays once we're established - though i really love the saturday thing regardless of poly - i'd definitely want a partner in the future who was a slow saturday sex loving kind of person - which i told him. But I am so sad that he only sees it as differences between us.

Am i crazy for feeling this way? Is it reallly just too much that i want a home day where it's just us? Just one day? There ARE six others.
 
Sorry you deal in this. :(

Sounds like you both want different open models.

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/open.html

You additionally want consideration, communication and collaboration. Where he does not. Or if he does... only for him? Not for you? :confused:

Am i crazy for feeling this way? Is it reallly just too much that i want a home day where it's just us? Just one day? There ARE six others.
Click to expand...

You are not crazy. You can always ASK things. You are not a mind reader. It is reasonable to ask if he is willing to be PRESENT one day without phone distractions. The date day devoted to your shared relationship. The other days he spends elsewhere.

To me he sounds like does not want to exercise self control.

1) he agrees to a compromise -- possibly to shut you up and be not talking about this any more.

2) When it comes time to deliver on his word -- he acts out at you. Rather than own it himself -- that he could not agree to things he really does not want to do. He could tell you "No thank you. I am not willing to set aside one day for you."

3) Instead of owning this poor behavior (and others), and changing it for the better? He flips it around on you like YOU have a problem and how you can't possible be a "real poly" because you complain about his behavior.

I'm seriously pissed off right now and as before believe I am actually the BETTER candidate for a poly relationship (a real one which involves communication, true care for the others involved and a willingness to compromise) than he is.
Click to expand...

So why poly with this poor behaving partner? Could seek a new one that is more compatible and would appreciate your skills more than this one does.

My 2 cents,
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
So right GalaGirl. I don't know why this partner other than the whole reason I am entering into it is because of him.

I am deeply in love with him and have been for years but then he realized he really couldn't be mono with me. So - after a lot of thought and reading and learning I realized that lifestyle would probably be really fitting for me, but it really does break a lot of constructs I previously held on to so it's a struggle for me.

His words are he we will communicate and work our way through it slowly - which is exactly what i'd want from any partner i have right now - someone willing to take on poly slowly and gently with me. But when it comes down to it any thing i say that sounds remotely like a constraint or rule of any kind is met with goat-like resistance and head-butting (not literally).

And then there is the judgement. It's the most frustrating part. His condescending look of "you just don't get it" + "we are just different".

And I want to scream YES WE ARE DIFFERENT!!!! But that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I will definitely read your reference - thank you so much for it! I honestly don't KNOW what i want. I was literally speaking off the cuff. I'm open to almost anything, but want to move slowly and actually see how it feels before leaping in all feet and elbows. You know?
 
Yes. I can understand wanting to go slow, talk along the way, get your bearings. Not just jump in willy nilly.

What's your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
"Everyone is different" has been covered, I think, so I'm just going to share a bit of my mono-dating-poly journey (which others may remember had a horrific start, but good patches).

We tried a date-day, and it went terrible. Unless we were out and about, it's like he just did not have the self-control or desire to not be on his phone or computer and it made him grumpy as all hell if I tried to get him to stay off of it. However, we did eventually work out that once or twice a week, from 5pm/dinnertime onward, he could do without his phone and computer or whatever else, maybe checking those things during bathroom breaks, and it could be just us, without the distractions of other people. It worked alright for us. We could cuddle up and watch a movie and feel connected and I wasn't worrying about who he was texting or if the erection he was working on was actually for me, or because he was just generally horny, or because someone across town was sending him nudes.

This worked for us. Your mileage may vary. My partner just has this weird need to be busy ALL THE TIME. If we're watching a show and it's not a date night, he's still on his phone through most of it, multi-tasking. Talking to girlfriends, figuring out his next order of vitamins.. whatever it is he thinks he needs to do.
 
This sounds very frustrating and painful. I would not like to see behavior like your partner's in ANY kind of relationship. I have a number of questions, if you don't mind me prying. You say you have loved him for years, how long have you been together? Has he exhibited disdainful and passive aggressive behavior in other areas of life? How did you deal with that? How is his cooperation in other areas? How did he come to realize that he could not do monogamy with you?
 
GalaGirl - my desired outcome is that we manage to both be dating other people and remain interested in some form of little life together like we have now. I have no illusions that this "little life" of ours will completely change and honestly cannot see through the fog as to what that might look like never having been down this road before. I can't guess how I will feel about anything at all. That said - this very minute and pragmatically - we buy the house we are planning to buy together, we eventually live in germany together for a couple years where we both work and go to grad school, we move either back to cali or portland, or together after that then....?

That definitely could involve other people, but those are the large strokes I hope don't change. We've talked about maybe adopting a small sticky person down the road, but neither of us are very motivated that way at the present moment.
 
What could be useful here is to realize that while he has experience with poly and you not, trying to educate you about poly isn't neccesarily going to work. That's because everyone has their own way of doing it - rather like mono. It would be weird to say "you are not doing monogamy right ", because obviously there are many ways of doing it. You need to think about how you would prefer to do poly. Polyamorous life is anything from polyfidility to relationship anarchy, with various ideas of how to expect to make requests from a partner or facilitate requests. If he wants relationship anarchy with very few rules and you are closer to the other edge of the spektrum, that can cause a big disagreement even though both falls into the umbrella of polyamory practices.

Personally, I have never practiced date night without the possible texts from others, but I have said, or being told, that just as one might tell a friend that one is going to be busy, one can also tell a partner that one will be busy watching a movie or what else is going on so they don't feel encauraged to constantly text.

Btw it is normal to use time to adjust to the idea of poly, my husband used four years.
 
Invi - thank you for your story! That actually is an interesting thought. Periods of interactive time (like movie or in our case - video games) being radio silent instead of whole days could definitely work well.

Leetah - your questions are very welcome and appreciated of course! We've been together on and off for about 4 years total, but friends for over 10. He has been aggressive and definitely has anger issues which stem from his father, but he is working on them in therapy. In other areas of our lives yes he is passive aggressive and disdainful at times, but who isn't? I definitely can be mean, too. We also have a couples' counselor we are working with for this reason. I also have my own therapist. (We are very loaded up on therapy). We get along incredibly well except where it comes to polyamory and his predisposition to avoid conflict by hiding things, which makes me feel he is secretive even if its for things that are non-issues and which then makes me jealous because he's being secretive (vicious circle). We seem to communicate well on most things that do no have to do with his dating other people. As far as me dating someone else it seems he honestly doesn't care if I do which still feels wrong to me. I thought he should care at least in that the person i date should not take away from our relationship and should instead add.

He came to realize he was poly a while into our friendship. I knew he was poly before we started dating. We did not date for a while because I didn't want to be/date poly. He eventually came to me with a huge plea of fealty and willingness/ableness to do a monogomous relationship with me which resulted in a lot of the secrecy and jealousy i mention above which resulted in a ginormous blowout of a breakup. We spent about a year not talking then became "just friends" again which lasted a few months and then we were deep into it again. Again he pled his fealty to me as a monogomous partner and guaranteed he'd make me feel so loved i would never be jealous again. Sounded great to me so again went for it, and it resulted in a stupendous infidelity on his part. NOW we are going for it as poly. Which is the only reasonable way to try it again at this point. Honestly shame on me for trying it again, but......I'm a masochist apparently.

Truly he's a great guy. You all are only getting the heated "holy dog I'm pissed and can't believe the garbage out of his mouth" posts. He surpasses all others i've dated by tenfold in most things but we struggle here. It's not wholly his fault and I'm sure his posts about me would be equally as bad. I can be mean, thoughtless, closed, frustrating, annoying, judgemental with the best of them.

Thanks everyone for all your feedback and insight! It means an infinite amount to have people to talk to about all this.
 
It doesn't matter who is poly or not, nor who has experience with poly or not. What it boils down to is knowing how to treat people, and especially the people you care about, with respect and decency.

It is simply bad manners to be having text conversations with other people when one is with someone, unless there is a designated time and place to do so, or at least the texter says, "Excuse me, I just need to answer this," or a warning like, "I'm expecting an important message, but as soon as I hear from so-and-so, I will put my phone away."

What you could do, instead of tolerating it and getting mad, is to set a personal boundary for yourself instead of a rule for him. In other words, "I will not tolerate excessive texting during my time with someone" (rather than, "You are not allowed to text anyone while you're with me."). When it is your own personal boundary of what you will or will not accept in a relationship, then it is something you can control. If you try to make it a rule, it is still dependent upon him following that rule -- and if he doesn't then... you'll be upset.

So make your boundary, and if he starts texting, you leave or occupy yourself with something/someone else. And if/when questioned about it by him, you simply say, "Oh, since you were preoccupied with your phone, I left. It doesn't make sense to hang around when you're being rude and not even paying attention to me." That makes it clear what you will or will not tolerate/accept.

It is about having manners, plain and simple, and has nothing to do with polyamory of monogamy. Sheesh, dude needs to get a clue.
 
Last edited:
When you were friends were you aware of him cheating on previous girlfriends? Having him behave that way twice with you AND liking to be secretive, for whatever reason, leads me to worry about the whole buying a house together thing. You do not want it to be any harder to walk away if either he blows it again or the two of you cannot find a working compromise. For a worst case scenario you might want to read the last few pages of Red Pepper's Journey blog here. I am still kind of mentally reeling from reading it and may be over reacting to its similarity to people I have known.

P.S.I know how it is to be spending way more on therapy than on dinners out, but with the right therapists it is worth it.

Leetah
 
As it is he is on his phone all the time and it drives me crazy so if you add a bunch of other partners to it, he would be traveling backwards in time.

Not to mention it's annoying to feel like the person you're hanging out with is thinking of and/or talking to someone else (or waiting to) while they are supposed to be focused on you.
Click to expand...

Firstly, I want to tell you how I interpret this. From what I understand, he is on his phone generally, not necessarily communicating with anyone. Just on his phone. You say "if you add a bunch of partners" which I interpret as meaning that this isn't happening as of yet, but you fear it happening. Or perhaps it's happening some of the time and you fear it will increase. Then, in the second paragraph, you go on to say that the idea of a partner thinking of other partner(s) during your time is "annoying". From your post generally, it sounds like you feel you have a reasonable request and want a compromise, and he feels that your needs suggest that perhaps you want different things out of your relationships.

Now, I agree that it's basically rude to spend inordinate amounts of time on your phone when with company. However, your second paragraph leads to me to suspect that he is onto something when he questions your suitability to poly. Or at least, his type of poly.

Personally, I could pretend that I never miss, think about or yearn for other partners in the presence of a paramour, but it's just not the reality. Having to pretend that I do completely compartmentalize in that way would end up being quite exhausting. So if I were him, your request wouldn't be inherently unreasonable, but it would be problematic if it is a symptom of your desire for a more hierarchical relationship structure.
 
nycindie
i love this statement. it resonates so loudly with me - i am marking it in my mind in extra thick sharpie. thank you.

When it is your own personal boundary of what you will or will not accept in a relationship, then it is something you can control.
Click to expand...

Leetah
Yes, when i was friends with him he had quite a sordid group of relationships in which he fought with his partners a lot. I cannot agree with you more for thinking I'm ridiculous for thinking his behavior would be any different with me. I guess I'm thinking that if we remove the need for secrecy because the secret behavior is sanctioned then that kind of thing will stop since it's unneccessary (?) Maybe I'm still being ridiculous. I have no idea.

Right now I like my couples therapist - we chose one with poly counseling experience - but think I need to fire my personal one. We spend (no exaggeration) 1/3 of the session talking about billing and various housekeeping things like the next appointment, changes in the office, and so forth. She's even emailed me because she mistyped my credit card number for billing after we had spent 30 minutes talking about billing DURING the session. I appreciate her not spending more time in the next session talking about it but am infinitely frustrated with her for wasting the original time. LoL. OK yeah I need to fire her.

I've started reading red peppers journey and it's definitely worth reading, but haven't finished it yet. Will def keep reading. thanks.

MightyMax
The type of relationship we've agreed on is a heirarchical one with both of us being each others' primaries. Honestly since this is just the start for me, I'm not really sure if it will be what I expect it to be or want it to be, but it seemed like a good place to start and something we both want right now. I'm open to it changing should it prove to be uncomfortable for us.

When you say this:
Personally, I could pretend that I never miss, think about or yearn for other partners in the presence of a paramour, but it's just not the reality. Having to pretend that I do completely compartmentalize in that way would end up being quite exhausting. So if I were him, your request wouldn't be inherently unreasonable, but it would be problematic if it is a symptom of your desire for a more hierarchical relationship structure.
Click to expand...
and because i'm new to this and don't have any experience with it - it makes me wonder that if you're thinking of and yearning for someone else - why aren't you spending time with that person you're yearning for instead of whomever you are with that you are not yearning to be with?

I personally want to run away from anyone who doesn't seem totally stoked to hang out with me. If someone is glazed over yearning for someone else i will certainly notice their ennui. Phone or no phone.

Are you saying that I shouldn't expect anyone I date who is poly to pull themselves away enough to actually be wholly present and happy to be with me when they are with me and that they can only ever be partially present?

I don't mean to be combative - I really am just trying to understand what you mean to say.
 
And more questions....to live with someone or not?

Argh. It's been a really rough day here.

We've had many discussions about various things from money and chores to how to handle spontaneous date requests (vs. planned dates).

What is coming up for me tonight and is eating me alive is that we live together and deal with all the home stuff and get annoyed at each others habits (I hate how he leaves things all over the place and he thinks I'm a clean freak (not a neat-freak - a clean-freak). He sees me get dressed before we go out and i never get to just show up looking amazing. There is no mystery. We talk about dog poo. He is grumpy in the morning.

My question for all you poly people who live together but date others - is it worth it to live together? I'm worried no effort will be made to make dates with me cuz i'm just "around". I won't be able to just breeze in and be mysterious and coy and show up looking amazing (even tho we all know it takes effort to look amazing all the time it's one thing to see the effort going into the look and another to just be slammed with the look). There will be no place to retreat to where I can scream, cry, flip out and lay inert on the floor while I have jealousy wash over me during his other dates (or whatever i'm feeling jealous over) that he won't see. I can't play it cool I mean.

Everyone else will be able to play it easy breezy colorgirl cool (corny i know but it says what i mean) and I will be the chore lady who takes too long to get ready and changes clothes 5 times and snores and he has to go to costco with to buy toilet paper and cheese. Sounds gross.

So - is it worth it? It seems like I will always end up looking bad for simple human reasons like needing to clip my toenails or shave my legs or not wanting to wear makeup for a minute, or boring (not that i'm boring) just because i'm around a lot more than others, and work-laden because you need to shop for food and clean the house and clothes and deal with the car and the dogs and ....

Anyone know what i mean? This is really spinning me. I love living with him now, but if i'm just chore-girl/a fixture in the house and easily overlooked - that would suck.
 
amandapitch said:
nycindie
i love this statement. it resonates so loudly with me - i am marking it in my mind in extra thick sharpie. thank you.



Leetah
Yes, when i was friends with him he had quite a sordid group of relationships in which he fought with his partners a lot. I cannot agree with you more for thinking I'm ridiculous for thinking his behavior would be any different with me. I guess I'm thinking that if we remove the need for secrecy because the secret behavior is sanctioned then that kind of thing will stop since it's unneccessary (?) Maybe I'm still being ridiculous. I have no idea.

Right now I like my couples therapist - we chose one with poly counseling experience - but think I need to fire my personal one. We spend (no exaggeration) 1/3 of the session talking about billing and various housekeeping things like the next appointment, changes in the office, and so forth. She's even emailed me because she mistyped my credit card number for billing after we had spent 30 minutes talking about billing DURING the session. I appreciate her not spending more time in the next session talking about it but am infinitely frustrated with her for wasting the original time. LoL. OK yeah I need to fire her.

I've started reading red peppers journey and it's definitely worth reading, but haven't finished it yet. Will def keep reading. thanks.

MightyMax
The type of relationship we've agreed on is a heirarchical one with both of us being each others' primaries. Honestly since this is just the start for me, I'm not really sure if it will be what I expect it to be or want it to be, but it seemed like a good place to start and something we both want right now. I'm open to it changing should it prove to be uncomfortable for us.

When you say this:

and because i'm new to this and don't have any experience with it - it makes me wonder that if you're thinking of and yearning for someone else - why aren't you spending time with that person you're yearning for instead of whomever you are with that you are not yearning to be with?

I personally want to run away from anyone who doesn't seem totally stoked to hang out with me. If someone is glazed over yearning for someone else i will certainly notice their ennui. Phone or no phone.

Are you saying that I shouldn't expect anyone I date who is poly to pull themselves away enough to actually be wholly present and happy to be with me when they are with me and that they can only ever be partially present?

I don't mean to be combative - I really am just trying to understand what you mean to say.
Click to expand...

When I'm with one partner, I'm happy to be with them. I'm present. I try not to go off and do too many other things so that we spend quality time together. However, one part of my brain will still be thinking about my other partner. Missing them. Thinking that they'd enjoy whatever we are doing too. I might mention the things I'm thinking to the partner that I am with. I can't compartmentalize to the point that I don't think these things when I'm with one partner, but at the same time, I've never been accused of not being present.

I can understand a partner complaining that I'm constantly distracted and it ruins our quality time. That's unreasonable regardless of relationship style. But, if I felt that they were saying that I'm distracted because they know I do not fully compartmentalize and they actually object to me thinking about anyone else or missing them etc, I would find that problematic in itself.
 
amandapitch said:
I'm worried no effort will be made to make dates with me cuz i'm just "around".
Click to expand...
You want dates with your partner where you get to romance each other without talking about the mundane every day problems and shit? Of course! So then, make dates with him, or have a standing night each week for just that. Every couple should do that, whether poly or mono. You need to make time in your schedule for romance and fun, when any talk about bills and housekeeping and dogpoo is off-limits. If he's going to date anybody else, he had damn better make sure he dates you, too.
 
Last edited:
my desired outcome is that we manage to both be dating other people and remain interested in some form of little life together like we have now.
Click to expand...


That is a "shared" outcome to me. Because both people have to want it to make it so. Does he share this vision?

That said - this very minute and pragmatically - we buy the house we are planning to buy together, we eventually live in germany together for a couple years where we both work and go to grad school, we move either back to cali or portland, or together after that then....?
Click to expand...

Might want to hold off on entanglements like that if he's questioning compatibility and you seem to be "voting no confidence" in some of his skills.

I'm worried no effort will be made to make dates with me cuz i'm just "around".
Click to expand...
That has nothing to do with living together or not. That has to do with taking one for granted and not appreciating them. You could be his GF living elsewhere and if he's taking you for granted and not appreciative? Then he's still taking you for granted and not appreciating what you bring to the table.

Could you clarify this? You mention it above...

  • I think that what he really wants is just dating everyone/anyone with absolutely no boundaries.

If so, is that what you want?

Do you want your boundaries respected?

Do you want a limit on how many partners are in the poly network/you are linked to sex health wise?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
amandapitch said:
Argh. It's been a really rough day here.

We've had many discussions about various things from money and chores to how to handle spontaneous date requests (vs. planned dates).

What is coming up for me tonight and is eating me alive is that we live together and deal with all the home stuff and get annoyed at each others habits (I hate how he leaves things all over the place and he thinks I'm a clean freak (not a neat-freak - a clean-freak). He sees me get dressed before we go out and i never get to just show up looking amazing. There is no mystery. We talk about dog poo. He is grumpy in the morning.

My question for all you poly people who live together but date others - is it worth it to live together? I'm worried no effort will be made to make dates with me cuz i'm just "around". I won't be able to just breeze in and be mysterious and coy and show up looking amazing (even tho we all know it takes effort to look amazing all the time it's one thing to see the effort going into the look and another to just be slammed with the look). There will be no place to retreat to where I can scream, cry, flip out and lay inert on the floor while I have jealousy wash over me during his other dates (or whatever i'm feeling jealous over) that he won't see. I can't play it cool I mean.

Everyone else will be able to play it easy breezy colorgirl cool (corny i know but it says what i mean) and I will be the chore lady who takes too long to get ready and changes clothes 5 times and snores and he has to go to costco with to buy toilet paper and cheese. Sounds gross.

So - is it worth it? It seems like I will always end up looking bad for simple human reasons like needing to clip my toenails or shave my legs or not wanting to wear makeup for a minute, or boring (not that i'm boring) just because i'm around a lot more than others, and work-laden because you need to shop for food and clean the house and clothes and deal with the car and the dogs and ....

Anyone know what i mean? This is really spinning me. I love living with him now, but if i'm just chore-girl/a fixture in the house and easily overlooked - that would suck.
Click to expand...
I live with my husband the majority of the time and my boyfriend part time. I definitely get what you mean about the practical side of things. A live in relationship can become too chore oriented. I have struggled with this with my husband because we have had money issues and I was sick for several years before returning to work. We recently moved and while we both wanted it very much it was also draining. Some of our plans to change this is:
- Save up money to go on dates
- Really celebrate our wedding aniversary with a night at a hotel and prefferably spa
- We are looking into hobbies to do together, like hiking, dance and motorsport
I love to dress up for my husband and he doesn't have to be home all the time when I do it. We are not always at home at the same time. Often on a date he will go straight from work, or leave an hour earlier from home and we we will meet in the city so I can dress up for him and act mysterious.

With my boyfriend, we talk about cat litter and who will pay the electrical bill. Some chores we enjoy doing together, like cleaning and grocery shopping. But it is important to go out on dates to nice places, just to get a shift in scenery and to feel a little spoilt together. We also celebrate aniversaries.

As for bad habits, I feel that the person who wants to clean/tidy the most must make a decition to either live with a little mess or take more responsability to make it look nice. And the person who is not so bothered must look into if they just don't care or if they actively like mess. The solution should arise from answering these questions.

Also, if you feel the space is too little to be mysterious you might consider moving to a bigger flat!

I feel beautiful with my men without makeup. Sometimes I even feel pretty for being a little dirty and in my slacks, it can be sort of sexy, haha. I close the door to be alone in the bath when I shave But they sometimes think my beauty routines are interesting as well. I watch them shave too... We will even help each other out with things like pedicure and taking showers together can be rather sexy.

Sometimes life is boring - I call it the paying bills and taking out the trash mode- but that is only one part of life. If you feel too ordinary, change something to make it more interesting. Have sex, sleep or eat until you feel furfilled. Stack up on me time, be it in the bathroom, balcony, the woods or cafe. People live together and still manage to desire each other, if not all the time so quite a lot of the time.
 
Hi amandapitch,

Re (from OP):
"*He* on the other hand expects the world and simply gets arrogant and angry if it's not 100% his way."
Click to expand...

Are you sure that's the kind of man you want to be with? :(

Re: reserving Saturdays for just you and him (as in, phones turned off) ... sounds reasonable to me, but, I guess he doesn't want to be constrained at all?

Perhaps he's not as bad as you were saying and you just need to work out a different compromise?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top