My best friend's love triangle problem with me and her partner (seemingly open/poly relationship)

I

innerstrengh800

New member
It is a very long story, so I'll keep it short.

Basically, there's some tension between us romantically. I believe her partner knows, but it's not been a real discussion on the clarity of consent, just a lot of hints of how we are. Like, there's no label at the moment, but we're definitely very best friends with romantic undertones. I've avoided asking her the curious questions, even though we are close knit, so it's out of rejection and friend breakup fears.

Anyway, I was at their house one day, with other people there. Their vibe as a couple together is so different. They love each other, yes. However, I've noticed a few times he's quite insulting towards her, though I'm not sure he realises. Whenever they discuss something personal and important to her, he's never on board as to why it's important, like fixing something with sentimental value. He thought he was being funny and right, but he was being rude. And this was in front of everyone. She was clearly unhappy, but I didn't notice until I realised she was looking right at me, all sad, like she knew I would have understood straight away, based on our bond. She and I talk without talking a lot. When I noticed, I thought, "Oh shit, that actually hurt her." I've made it my personal boundary that I don't intervene with their relationship.

He's happy to have me close in their life, but I don't know him that well. I can't really say that I'm sure I like him. He's not abusive. He just lacks some emotional intelligence. He's very serious, compared to me. I'm a serious person, but I use a lot of humour with her, as we joke a lot. I can't say she's ever been insulted by me since I've known her. He's a very busy person, as he does a lot. But he sometimes takes stress out on her when she's been calm.

The vibe I get from those two is maybe she loves him a bit differently, but she puts on a show a bit to hide her bad emotions with him. I've tried not to have an opinion when she talks about arguing with him.
 
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Do you also have a partner?
Do you have any prior experience with polyamory?

I think sex would amplify the protective feelings you have towards her, and then you may have a hard time holding your personal boundary of not interfering, which may really lead to drama.
 
Hello innerstrengh800,

It sounds to me like you might make a better partner for her than he is, I don't know because I don't know him that well, but based on your description, that's what I gather. On the other hand, there's always poly to consider. Maybe she could have two partners, him and you. One thing's for sure, you can't be a partner to her unless/until you have a very sobering conversation with her, about your feelings for her, and to find out if those feelings are reciprocated. Do you want to be her partner? Is it worth the risk of expressing that to her? Maybe it's worth the risk in the future, but I can't tell whether the time is right now to have this conversation with her. I know you're afraid of losing her as a friend.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Tinwen said:
Do you also have a partner?
Do you have any prior experience with polyamory?

I think sex would amplify the protective feelings you have towards her, and then you may have a hard time holding your personal boundary of not interfering, which may really lead to drama.
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Hi,
No, I don't have a partner. I am a lesbian. I have no desire to flirt with anyone (kinda apart from her). It's annoying, because she does get jealous when I have another female friend that's not her. Her protection towards me definitely shows a lot, and she's generally not a jealous person.
She and I spend a lot of time together alone. She's trying to initiate a lot to me, but I'm keeping a distance. We are practically soulmates.
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hello innerstrengh800,

It sounds to me like you might make a better partner for her than he is, I don't know because I don't know him that well, but based on your description, that's what I gather. On the other hand, there's always poly to consider. Maybe she could have two partners, him and you. One thing's for sure, you can't be a partner to her unless/until you have a very sobering conversation with her, about your feelings for her, and to find out if those feelings are reciprocated. Do you want to be her partner? Is it worth the risk of expressing that to her? Maybe it's worth the risk in the future, but I can't tell whether the time is right now to have this conversation with her. I know you're afraid of losing her as a friend.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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I do get a mixed feeling of what he's like. He's loving towards her, but I think there are definitely clashes when it comes to her interests. I wouldn't say he's the supportive type, but there's the element of "You can do what you want." I just wish I didn't see him be rude to her, because it was really unnecessary. Personally, I've never been like that towards a partner unless I didn't like that person.

At the moment, I just see him as a stress head.

She's made a definite tie with him, they're committed. She's the kind to sugarcoat an issue and then put on a happy face, because I think she sees worth with the relationship as a whole.

I think she needs me. She's so happy when I'm involved with her family life. That's something she definitely wants. We express love towards each other a lot as friends.

I really like her, so I would like to be in a relationship with her. I haven't been interested in being tied down in a while, so I think I'd like to keep it casual, but commit. I'm open to poly, but I've never done that before.
 
Well, you definitely have a link with her. Strong platonic feelings, with hints of the romantic. She is definitely protecting her link with you, what with the jealousy and whatnot. You should probably continue to let the relationship grow naturally, you'll know when the time is right to have a serious conversation with her.
 
Sounds like you have a strong emotional connection with your friend. Your relationship sounds very affectionate and warm. My feeling is that his behavior towards her might be due to his male gender. This is obviously just a generalization, and I might be wrong. I am not even sure how they identify, but some men can be a bit abrasive or say insensitive things. This does not mean he does not love her, I think. You are more attuned to her. Women can have more agreeable relationships.

I wonder how you feel about her dating a man. I've had gfs who wanted girlfriends. I was supportive. I can be fine with my gf or wife having female lovers. But in my case, the women they liked were bi. I wonder how it would be if they were lesbians. And none of them actually got into any serious relationships (or not when I was dating them).

What if the other girl really wants my gf? Can we share her? I can, but what about her?

One gf actually told me that she was questioning her sexuality and that she might be lesbian. I told her to go for the girl she liked. If she were a lesbian, I would support her. She changed her mind, and stayed in hetero relationships. But I thought that if a mono lesbian relationship was what made her happy, then it would be better than poly.

I was also in a throuple with two women. We all loved each other, so sharing was very easy. I always felt good when they did something together without me. I felt included even when I was not there.

What I want to say is that sometimes you can be happy in this kind of triangle, but sometimes you need your own mono lesbian relationship. You can of course have a super-happy V kind of poly relationship, where everyone is happy. Maybe you can read a bit more about poly, see the common problems, and think how you want to move forward.
 
nks said:
Sounds like you have a strong emotional connection with your friend. Your relationship sounds very affectionate and warm. My feel is that his behavior towards her might be due to his male gender. This is obviously just a generalization and I might be wrong. I am not even sure how they identify, but some men can be a bit abrasive or say insensitive things. This does not mean he does not love her. I think. You are more attuned to her and women can have a more agreeable relationship.

I wonder how do you feel about her dating a man? I had gfs who wanted girlfriends. I was supportive and I can be fine with my gfs/wife having a female lover. But in my case the women they liked were bi, so I wonder how it would be if they were lesbians. And none of them actually got into any serious relationships (or not when I was dating them). What if the other girl really wants my gf? Can we share her? I can but what about her?

One gf actually told me that she was questioning her sexuality and that she might be lesbian. I told her to go for the girl she liked and if she is a lesbian then I will support her. She changed her mind and stayed in hetero relationships, but I thought that if a mono lesbian relationship is what makes her happy then it is better than poly.

I was also in a throuple with two women and then we all loved each other, so sharing was very easy and I always felt good when they did something together without me. I felt included even when I was not there.

What I want to say is that sometimes you can be happy in this kind of triangle, but sometimes you need your own mono lesbian relationship. You can of course have a superhappy V kind of poly relationship where everyone is happy. Maybe you can read a bit more about poly, see the common problems, and think how you want to move forward.
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I generally don't believe his behaviour is due to his gender. I know plenty of women who are abrasive and insensitive. A lot of men in my life never question when they're told to do a job by their female partner. This 100% depends on the person and scenario. I can be quite abrasive as a lesbian woman, but I never take stress out on someone I like. I wouldn't say he's completely insensitive. I can't excuse him because "that's how men are." No, that's what's culture has possibly made most men.

I didn't say, "He doesn't love her." I'm more expressing, "How do I communicate with her if she needs me?" As she looked at me, she looked hurt. Like, I can't love her for real if I don't have the consent.

We are a close unit. Her partner wants me included. But I'm not making a move unless I feel like it's a good time.

Also there's a reason why gay/bi/lesbians don't get into serious relationships-- because it's a newly-expressed right in today's culture. Bisexual women generally do stick to what they know, but some want to take a chance.

I've been in other situations where my female friends, who are in relationships with men, really like me. So, with my friend now, I'm more considerate of the idea of being poly.

I've been in relationships with women that haven't been healthy. I've known my friend long enough to know that a relationship with her might work, especially as I don't like to do all the typical cultural relationship things. It's like I do the things that her partner misses out and he does the stuff that I don't want to do, such as milestones.

I'm not insecure about her having a man in her life.
 
kdt26417 said:
Well, you definitely have a link with her. Strong platonic feelings, with hints of the romantic. She is definitely protecting her link with you, what with the jealousy and whatnot. You should probably continue to let the relationship grow naturally, you'll know when the time is right to have a serious conversation with her.
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Thanks. I appreciate this.

I really like her, but I really don't want to jump the gun, even when she's so obviously flirting or hinting that she likes me. I don't want her to feel like I'm rejecting her, either. I love treating her as my friend.
 
Thank you for the clarification. I see. As I said, I was not sure about the circumstances. It seems you have a lot of experience and know what you are doing. The two of you do seem like a very good match. So, this was more of a description of your relationship with her than about him. I got it. I originally was wondering about how you feel about her partner. You seem to think that his treatment of her is an issue, and that this is an ongoing thing, so I was wondering if her relationship with him was one of the reasons that keeps you from moving ahead? I wondered, if it was a different man, would it be perhaps easier?
 
I am not sure if this is all headed for a truly polyamorous relationship V, or if your friend is just getting a nice thrill out of having a crush on her lesbian friend (you).

I think almost every human can relate to getting at least one crush in their lifetime on a close friend, of whatever gender(s) they prefer, while in a committed partnership or marriage with someone else. I am pansexual (and polyamorous), so I certainly can relate. I was in a conventional hetero marriage for 30 years (I'm old, and went with mainstream culture in that respect, until we divorced). I kinda lived for my crushes and fantasies, even though I did love my husband.

You can wait until the hints about your friend's feelings for you become obvious. Maybe some night when you're drinking... inhibitions get lowered... the truth comes out. I don't recommend acting on anything while under the influence. These kinds of things are best discussed rationally with a clear mind, and discussed well before the touching, kissing and more ensue.

The first rule of successful polyamory is open and honest communication. The first step would be for your friend to admit to herself her feelings for you. Then, second, she'd have to approach her husband. She has to get his informed, considered and joyful consent to open their marriage. This could, and should, take them at least a year of research and talking over what they learn.

Right now, you're both in a titillating grey area. Most monogamous people would leave it there. Or cheat.

If your friend can get her husband's consent to open, so she can fully love you, romantically and sexually, well, that will be up to the two of them.
 
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