My bizarre relationship, a novel

I met a person on Fetlife back in April who had a picture of him in a doggy bitchsuit strapped into a segufix as his main picture. We connected and chatted about kink stuff in a way that didn't feel creepy at all (how is that possible amiright? love talking sex with kinky folx who can chat about it in a nerdy way). I'm actually super sensitive on this stuff, like really don't like being asked out at ALL if I don't initiate w/ kink forward people. But he and I just nerded out about kink for a long time!! I was being all like in my future I want to build a commune that has a far off in the woods sex house where I can do all this stuff! And he was like I have a dungeon. And I was like wtf amazing I've always said that's the first thing I would do if I happened to get rich. And he said, yeah that's what happened to me, I happened to rich and I bought a sex house. And I was like wtf did I just find my soul mate? Bc the sex house, not bc rich, and I'm feeling like eep weird oh no about the money thing lol.


I'm such a huge sex nerd. I love sex so much for the exploration it enables. I'm a really curious person and I find sex like the MOST fascinating thing. Mainly for the way it enables connection. I've had so many extremely emotionally deep one night stands in my life. Sometimes it's like really getting into each other's hopes and dreams, and sometimes it's as simple as being really silly together. With sex, you get past the bullshit so quickly. I love being intimate with people and letting my guard down. It feels so much simpler than stiffly talking to someone for hours and hours. I want a sex house because I want to explore it ALL. And have a space to share with other nerdy people. I want to be a mommy domme professionally and creatively, doing things like building a software company together where the payment is my domme services. Like every day basically I'm coming up with some weird future vision of incorporating kink into my every day life. I'm so weird y'all.

So me n him get real nerdy back and forth at each other, talking about our various kinks and stuff. I tell him there's this one BDSM scene in Nymphomaniacs I really liked and the next day he watches it . Like melt my heart, ok. We agree to meet up not that long after texting. He warns me that he's really introverted and can be really awkward with people. I'm like, amazing, same. We plan to walk around his neighborhood before going to the sex house. I show up and am just immediately so endeared by him and his small lanky body and bad posture and limited ability to make eye contact and his nervous energy. [I like, love awkward ppl. they make me feel so at home bc i think of myself as deeply awkward which has only made sense to me recently as I've come to realize i'm autistic] We have no problem diving right into conversation. We have a long conversation about the world. No idea how we started. I think I asked him about his company or something and he said it was XXX and I was like is that a reference to XXXX book and then we got talking about books. We talk about that book which involves aliens and like the future of humanity. I bring up Oryx and Crake and the Three Body Problem. We talk about what the future is and dystopian concepts. I go on a riff about how maybe the end of the world happens because some disgruntled grad student releases a plastic eating bacteria into the ocean and resultantly all infrastructure is destroyed. Then i'm onto aliens and simulation theory bc I'd recently listened to this 6 hour long podcast my friend had posted about it. He said he thinks of reality as a simulation because what are the odds of being born at such a critical time in the world, and he believes it's a challenge to make things better. I think this is basically the most beautiful framework of understanding all of the problems of the world currently that I've ever heard. I throw out does he believe in astrology bc I think it's stupid when people believe in simulation theory but not astrology bc why wouldn't you, if it was a program and you were the software engineer, introduce an interesting element where literally all of life was predictable in something as arbitrary as the stars if not only for shits and giggles to watch the tension between queer people and rich white tech bros and be like LOL BUT THE QUEERDOS HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS and see how long it takes to have cross polination of ideas. I would totes watch that drama.

We continue talking about many, many things in the world that are challenges as if it's very important to us to understand.
[[ This is something i have literally always done with partners and have mostly felt I was just talking at them with. My first boyfriend and I talked in similar ways, but he was not an optimist. The last person I told I loved, I could do it with too to some extent. He was an optimist, but he was more of a listener. Other than that, most people I dated either found me interesting or would act like I was just being anxious and it would turn into rabbit holes about me being depressed about the climate crisis and them saying well why don't you do something about it if you care so much. This man was the first person to ever be both optimistic and interested in spending a lot of time thinking about what the world could be. And the conversations on that first date and for our entire relationship continue this way. Almost always talking about the world on a broad ideas level, testing mental theories, and always with so much lightness that made space for the darkness. Like LOL what are all the amazing possibilities of the future!!! -->> anxious spiral about potential negative consequences of that thing -->> counter point that is optimistic! and on and on. ]]
I'm on some point I'm really trying to finish flushing out, and we've arrived at the house. He asks if I'm ready to go in, and I'm like-- let's do one more block, I need to finish this thought or I'm going to be distracted. So we do! AND THEN I GOT TO SEE THE BONDAGE HOUSE.

My idea for what it would be was like super fancy and shit. But really it was this hilariously out of place house in an expensive part of town. Like clearly was the oldest house on the block that was due to be torn down. It didn't even have a paved walkway to the door. It was amazing. Inside it was not fancy at all either lol. And he had covered the entire floor in tempurpedic foam with soft blankets on top. We walk in and he gives me a little tour, showing me all his toys and his Segufix. He asks if I want to try things, and I'm like 'sure!' and *immediately* I strip naked and he puts me in the dog bitch suit outfit bc I'm wild. He has me walk around in it and tells me to bark and I'm bad at that park so I don't really. He takes me out of that one and then I think puts me in this metal shackel apparatus that has my writs up by my face and my knees bent and together. In both of these, he's putting me in while we're just talking about whatever, has me try it out a bit, then just keeps talking maybe with us cozyed up. Holding me in bondage talking about the world and money. He told me as soon as he got rich, he became a part of the "hated class" and that's been frustrating. I have another date planned after and am worried about the time- I check and it's like 30 min after my date time. I make moves like i'm leaving, and he stops me and asks before I go if I think he's autistic. I say I don't know enough about autism to say! I get on my phone and I apologize profusely to the couple and say I never do that type of thing but was literally tied up and not paying attention to the time and decide I can't make it. My date says 'yay! more time!'.

I try out the Segufix. We talk about polyamory, and he admits to me that he's not sure if he and his wife are doing open or poly but he thinks he wants poly and I tell him about some of the different types. He tells me he initiated it and they tested things out by him sleeping with a sex worker which was like two weeks prior, and it went well. And I'm like damn this is really shitty. Probably could have seen it coming that this was not someone poly established bc the bio said nothing about poly, but I didn't think I was gonna like, immediately fall in love with him??? (NRE! I know!) He tells me this is his FIRST DATE where he's moved to this point. Had gone on like two other dates where they hadn't clicked. I'm already thinking about it like, well this is tough. Probably would be easier to start off dating someone that isn't your literal soul mate. This is gonna be a tough journey for us! 😞

I never feel this way on dates btw. Sometimes I really, really like people, but never before had I felt SO aligned with someone intellectually.
 
PT 2:
We then try out a straight jacket. He orders dinner with Uber Eats bc that's a thing rich people do apparently. He asks me if I would be ok with saying hi to his wife who wants to come by. And I say sure. Says she had been on a date earlier in the day and had finished up and wanted to check in. I'm still in the straight jacket when she shows up, and I'm like - should I change?? I think maybe she wouldn't want to see that, he asks her and says it's fine. Real dramatic turn to the evening, it's v clear many necessary conversations have not been had prior to this event. She questions me about my poly identity and asks question after question about what will happen between me and her husband and what my intentions are. At some point, the food shows up and he undoes the straight jacket so I can eat. We keep talking. She tells me that she wanted monogamy but he is unhappy so she is complying because she wants him to be happy. And says something about not know how much she is supposed to sacrifice and yield on from their marriage promises. She straight up asks him: do you want to fall in love with her? Or something along those lines. He has been silent just like in shock that entire time, then finally says 'I think that's a conversation for you and I to have'. She starts crying somewhere in this 10/10 level emotionally intense conversation I had no business witnessing, and I ask if I can hold her, and she says yes, he never holds me. She says he's never brought up polyamory until he started talking to me. She agrees the two of them need to talk and says she wants to talk to him now, he agrees that that's important and says he wants to wrap up with me. As soon as she leaves, he apologizes to me and said he wasn't expecting that and that it's not true that they hadn't talked about polyamory before and clearly has strong feelings on that. We wrap up.


I go home and text like 5 of my friends bc my adrenaline was at 100. I smoke weed and drink beer and text text text. I journal my feelings. I'm writing basically about how intense it is to be approximate to power and to ponder feeling like things I did in my life could actually make an impact. Coalescing my ideology of how much I admire my friends and think of them all as change makers and how connection is what I think the most important part of life is, how so much of the problems are because people don't talk to each other outside of their own communities, how if I could get rich and give money and networking opportunities to my friends who focus on equity and the environment and public policy, public health, community centered architecture and industrial design, education, housing.... I could make such a huge difference in the world if I just gave opportunity to my loved ones and enable them to empower their loved ones and colleagues. I feel overwhelmed that one date with someone could make me feel both so seen in the awkwardness and argumentativeness and kinkiness AND this capable of change (but also because of personal work I'd been doing for months duhhh) after I'd felt so lost on my career journey at that point (pursuing a phd). I had told him on the date that I felt mostly intellectually drawn towards him so I thought we could be friends if that was how things went, no worries. In the moment, I start crying about how much I clearly care about this person already. He texts that he and his wife talked and that he was going to be polyamorous.

I basically mentally accept that my role in their life is going to be a guide through the world of polyamory. Within a week I've compiled a list of the resources I've liked over the years and shared it with them. Boundaries were really bad. I don't think you can really recover after a first date like that. I'm really sad I didn't know at the time that I should have said no to meeting his wife on the first date. Now I do.

We had four months together exploring different kink things and getting to know each others' world views. In talking to him, I completely shifted my career trajectory to be more ambitious. We laughed so much and explored so many funny kinky things. Like me wearing little finger cuffs while in harder discussions like about taxation and rent control. How giving me a little fidget made it easier for me to not get too sad. Like either of us wearing a shock collar while we discussed the merits and cons of capitalism and shocking each other for disagreement in a way that made me giggle giggle giggle. It was an absolutely incredible relationship. I miss him so much because as I've often thought since, I just don't know I'll ever find that combination with someone again. For the first time ever, I was actually able to see how I could maybe function successfully in a long term relationship with someone as a nesting partner. There was space for my argumentativeness and sarcasm and brattiness and mommy-ness and little-ness and existential angst and endless curiosity and extreme ambition and big emotions and excitement and speculation... I felt like I was all of myself with someone for once. And apparently being all of myself necessarily included time to hang out in onesies on the floor for hours at a time.

The break up was shocking to some extent and ... very unsurprising in another. Had I not felt so connected to him, no shit that's what was going to happen. It was really hard to see him choose something that seemed to make him feel so much less seen. He felt like a serious business man with a kinky streak with some d/s cuddling with her. And like a little midwestern smart stubborn kiddo with mischief on his mind all the time with me. I hope he felt in touch with myself when he was with me. I didn't get to tell him I loved him in real life. I felt it for about a month towards the end, but I never felt like there was a right moment to say it. I had tested out if it was ok by saying 'there's certain language that I don't know if is ok to use because I don't know how she'll feel about it' and he had acted awkward each time. I assumed it was about her. In the stupid text and email thread blowup breakup series, I told him that I loved him over text and he said he didn't' love me but that didn't' mean he wouldn't have. I told him how much he meant to me in a lot of detail, and about all he could say was that he appreciated our time together and would think of me fondly and that he cared about me.
-----

I feel so alone. It was all so bizarre. I had to process so much every time we spent time together. I'm very anti capitalist and a lot of my ideas were challenged, and I got him to challenge some of his ideas too. Plus their stressful relationship which I knew way too much about. I felt worse and worse about his relationship with his wife throughout our time together. I didn't understand why either of them were together because they seemed so unhappy with each other and completely incompatible. I somehow didn't think I could lose him because I felt so connected to him. It feels really weird to think about him not being in my life. In some ways it felt like a fever dream. It was such a short time but completely changed my life. How does someone like that just disappear? And I know it changed my life because of what it let me feel about myself and what I was capable of. But I just don't understand how he doesn't feel the same way as me. I never had, and I don't think ever will again feel that understood by and similar to someone. It's hard to swallow that he doesn't seem to feel that way too. Or to swallow that maybe he does, but feels more responsibility to his marriage out of obligation and some misguided belief in the magic power of love to change people. Why does he think that he'll ever stop arguing with someone who doesn't want the same things out of life as him? Besides a kid? Why pull on an existing relationship that hasn't grown in line with the way you grew when it hurts both of you instead of letting go and seeing whats possible when you're actually compatible with someone?

I wish it were easier for me to feel compatible with people. I don't and didn't believe in 'the one' or even finding a partner for a long term relationship with when I met him. So now I'm just trying to make space in my life to be more of the person I was with him on my own. I'm buying stuffed animals. I'll get a onesie eventually. I'm pursuing kink only and no more vanilla sex. I'm finding my autism diagnosis and trying to meet more people who I talk like with more similar brains to me. I'm finding comfort in spending time with people I connect with less but still a lot. Kind people with better communication skills and clear, defined expectations or lack there of.

I wish I could forget all the weird things I know about what happened between them. And trust that he can take care of himself. I guess since he wants to stay married, it's easier that I'm out of his life to threaten that. And not threaten it because it would be a problem for him. But because I upset his wife so much. I hope she keeps doing the growth she was doing when I was around to impress him after I'm gone and she no longer has someone to compete in an imaginary competition with. I hope I was wrong about everything I think I know. And it was just bizarre because they're rich and that enables weird problems and not because she's a narcissist. I really wish I could re-write my memories so that instead of the way things ended, I could have just told him I loved him and he could have said I care about you deeply and then it just blacks out after that and I think he's moved out of the country or something.

I have a few friends who I can talk about the world with at length. I need to talk to them more. And get over it. I wish it was easy to get over people.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I read your blog and it's very interesting. I am so sorry for your loss, but I hope you gained much insight about yourself and kink and polyamory that will come in useful as life goes on!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi perpetually.concerned,

I'm so sorry about your recent breakup, he sounded like such a perfect match for you. I guess his wife kind of interposed herself in the situation, and scared him into breaking up with you. That was such an awful thing for her to do, but it sounds like the two of them had problems that stemmed from well before you met him (and will probably continue well after you had to leave him). You do seem to have learned a lot about yourself from this short-lived relationship, so, that's one thing.

I hope you gain some healing from this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I did learn so much!! About myself and kink in a huge way and polyamory boundaries.

I really don't believe in soul mates, but I believe he's someone I have a lot of other simultaneous and past lives with. Trying to make sense of why I had to know him so transiently this time around, but I think that will take time.

I'd like to share on this thread various kink experiences I had. I can't tell you how much the things we explored together made me realize about myself!!!! I had no idea how much bondage could open up new avenues to vulnerability.

I went into the relationship aware I was a masochist and submissive and using the language of "little" a bit. And knowing I was very open minded. But I came out being like HOLY SHIT I LIKE EVERYTHING 😭 But mostly I'm a mommy and a little :) Every time we spent time together at his place, we'd immediately get in cute pink fuzzy bear onesies and cuddle. Every time he got hard he would make this silly naughty face and pointedly look at his dick. It always made me giggly. I had never had sex feel so wholesome. Often I would hold him and stroke his head and he would suck on my breasts in a very caregiver/little way. I felt very caretaking too in putting him in bondage and getting him off. The last time we saw each other, I had him in a sleepersack and he wanted me to be kissing him the whole time which was more intimate than normal.

I'm very ADHD like diagnosed, and he was really entertained by my enthusiasm. I'd be all like 'OMG YES TAHT'S SO COOL' and do happy jump ups and downs. We'd get close and hug and bounce back and forth together. In the shower, we'd shuffle around in circles and give each other nose nuzzles. It was hands down the sweetest stimm-iest relationship I've ever had. Makes me smile thinking about it :)

He's the kinkiest person I've ever met. Very, very into bondage. Like bunch of layers of soft things then strapped into something where he couldn't breathe well or see anything. It was really inspiring to be around actually. And he felt really lonely in it when I met him. His wife is dominant, but not as into kink as frequently as he is and not perfectly aligned. They had struggles with meeting each other's needs, and he became convinced (After being told again and again) that his desire to be in bondage for long periods of time and be milked was selfish. That made me really sad because I felt so intimately connected to him when we did long bondage scenes together. I think he's more active now on Fetlife at least, finding kinky friends. And after my encouragement talking about how I share my kink adventures with my friends, he started opening up to some of his. I really hope he keeps opening up because he has so much to offer the kink community. But also hope he doesn't involve anyone else emotionally in his relationship fuckyness.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
He's learning, but still has much to learn.
 

fuchka

Active member
Hey @perpetually.concerned thanks for sharing your story here. It gives way more context to your other post about not being able to let go your concerns about potential abuse. Holy heck, that first meeting (including his wife) would have been intense in particular.

You have such good memories and I'm glad you're able to hold them even though you have grief and other emotions too.

The cognitive dissonance when you've felt connection with someone and they seem not to share what you experienced can be really unsettling... I think these are some of the hardest breakups because it tears the emotional flesh.

Your plan to build yourself up seems really healthy and I hope you continue to heal and find joy. I look forward to reading more of your blog if you do continue to write here.
 
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