My bizarre relationship, a novel

P

perpetually.concerned

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I met a person on Fetlife back in April who had a picture of himself in a doggy bitchsuit strapped into a Segufix as his main picture. We connected and chatted about kink stuff in a way that didn't feel creepy at all. How is that possible? I love talking sex with kinky folx who can chat about it in a nerdy way. I'm actually super sensitive on this stuff, like really don't like being asked out at ALL if I don't initiate w/ kink-forward people.

But he and I just nerded out about kink for a long time!! I was being all like: in my future I want to build a commune that has a far-off-in-the-woods sex house, where I can do all this stuff. And he was like, I have a dungeon. And I was like, wtf? amazing. I've always said that's the first thing I would do if I happened to get rich. And he said, yeah, that's what happened to me. I happened to get rich and bought a sex house. And I was like wtf? did I just find my soul mate? Bc the sex house, not bc rich. Then I'm feeling like eep weird oh no about the money thing lol.

I'm such a huge sex nerd. I love sex so much for the exploration it enables. I'm a really curious person and I find sex like the MOST fascinating thing. Mainly for the way it enables connection. I've had so many extremely emotionally-deep one night stands in my life. Sometimes it's like really getting into each other's hopes and dreams, and sometimes it's as simple as being really silly together. With sex, you get past the bullshit so quickly. I love being intimate with people and letting my guard down. It feels so much simpler than stiffly talking to someone for hours and hours.

I want a sex house because I want to explore it ALL, and have a space to share with other nerdy people. I want to be a mommy domme professionally and creatively, doing things like building a software company together where the payment is my domme services. Like every day basically, I'm coming up with some weird future vision of incorporating kink into my every day life. I'm so weird, y'all.

He and I get real nerdy back and forth at each other, talking about our various kinks and stuff. I tell him there's this one BDSM scene in Nymphomaniacs I really liked and the next day he watches it. Like, melt my heart, ok. We agree to meet up not that long after texting.

He warns me that he's really introverted and can be really awkward with people. I'm like, amazing, same.

We plan to walk around his neighborhood before going to the sex house. I show up and am just immediately so endeared by him and his small lanky body and bad posture and limited ability to make eye contact and his nervous energy. [I love awkward ppl. they make me feel so at home bc i think of myself as deeply awkward, which has only made sense to me recently, as I've come to realize i'm autistic]

We have no problem diving right into conversation. We have a long conversation about the world. No idea how we started. I think I asked him about his company or something, and he said it was XXX and I was like is that a reference to XXXX book? then we got talking about books. We talk about that book, which involves aliens and the future of humanity.

I bring up Oryx and Crake and the Three Body Problem. We talk about what the future is and dystopian concepts. I go on a riff about how maybe the end of the world happens because some disgruntled grad student releases a plastic eating bacteria into the ocean and resultantly all infrastructure is destroyed.

Then I'm onto aliens and simulation theory bc I'd recently listened to this 6-hour podcast my friend had posted about. He said he thinks of reality as a simulation because: what are the odds of being born at such a critical time in the world? he believes it's a challenge to make things better. I think this is basically the most beautiful framework of understanding all of the problems of the world currently that I've ever heard. I throw out does he believe in astrology? I think it's stupid when people believe in simulation theory but not astrology bc why wouldn't you? If it was a program and you were the software engineer, introduce an interesting element where literally all of life was predictable in something as arbitrary as the stars if not only for shits and giggles and to watch the tension between queer people and rich white tech bros and be like LOL BUT THE QUEERDOS HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS and see how long it takes to have cross-pollination of ideas. I would totes watch that drama.

We continue talking about many, many things in the world that are challenges as if it's very important to us to understand.

[[ This is something i have literally always done with partners and have mostly felt I was just talking at them with. My first boyfriend and I talked in similar ways, but he was not an optimist. The last person I told I loved, I could do it with too to some extent. He was an optimist, but he was more of a listener. Other than that, most people I dated either found me interesting or would act like I was just being anxious and it would turn into rabbit holes about me being depressed about the climate crisis and them saying well why don't you do something about it if you care so much. This man was the first person to ever be both optimistic and interested in spending a lot of time thinking about what the world could be. And the conversations on that first date and for our entire relationship continue this way. Almost always talking about the world on a broad ideas level, testing mental theories, and always with so much lightness that made space for the darkness. Like LOL what are all the amazing possibilities of the future!!! -->> anxious spiral about potential negative consequences of that thing -->> counter point that is optimistic! and on and on. ]]


I'm on some point I'm really trying to finish flushing out, and we've arrived at the house. He asks if I'm ready to go in, and I'm like-- let's do one more block, I need to finish this thought or I'm going to be distracted. So we do.

AND THEN I GOT TO SEE THE BONDAGE HOUSE.

My idea for what it would be was like super fancy and shit. But really, it was this hilariously out-of-place house in an expensive part of town. Like clearly the oldest house on the block that was due to be torn down. It didn't even have a paved walkway to the door. It was amazing. Inside it was not fancy at all either. He had covered the entire floor in Temperpedic foam with soft blankets on top.

We walk in and he gives me a little tour, showing me all his toys and his Segufix. He asks if I want to try things, and I'm like 'sure!' and *immediately* I strip naked and he puts me in the dog bitch suit outfit bc I'm wild. He has me walk around in it and tells me to bark and I'm bad at that part, so I don't really. He takes me out of that one and then I think puts me in this metal shackle apparatus that has my wrists up by my face and my knees bent and together.

He's putting me in both of these while we're just talking about whatever. He has me try it out a bit, then just keeps talking, maybe with us cozied up. Holding me in bondage, talking about the world and money. He told me as soon as he got rich, he became a part of the "hated class" and that's been frustrating.

I have another date planned and am worried about the time. I check and it's like 30 min after my date time. I make moves like I'm leaving, and he stops me and asks before I go if I think he's autistic. I say I don't know enough about autism to say! I get on my phone and I apologize profusely to the couple and say I never do that type of thing but was literally tied up and not paying attention to the time and decide I can't make it. My date says "Yay! more time!"

I try out the Segufix. We talk about polyamory. He admits that he's not sure if he and his wife are doing open or poly, but he thinks he wants poly. I tell him about some of the different types. He tells me he initiated it and they tested things out by him sleeping with a sex worker, which was like two weeks prior, and it went well. And I'm like damn this is really shitty. Probably could have seen it coming that this was not someone poly established bc the bio said nothing about poly, but I didn't think I was gonna like, immediately fall in love with him!!! (NRE, I know!)

He tells me this is his FIRST DATE where he's moved to this point. He had gone on like two other dates where they hadn't clicked. I'm already thinking about it like, well this is tough. It would probably be easier to start off dating someone that isn't your literal soul mate. This is gonna be a tough journey for us! 😞

I never feel this way on dates, btw. Sometimes I really, really like people, but never before had I felt SO aligned with someone intellectually.
 
PT 2:
We then try out a straight jacket. He orders dinner with Uber Eats, bc that's a thing rich people do, apparently. He asks me if I would be ok with saying hi to his wife who wants to come by. I say sure. He says she had been on a date earlier in the day and had finished up and wanted to check in. I'm still in the straight jacket when she shows up, and I'm like - should I change?? I think maybe she wouldn't want to see that. He asks her and says it's fine.

Real dramatic turn to the evening. it's v clear many necessary conversations have not been had prior to this event. She questions me about my poly identity and asks question after question about what will happen between me and her husband and what my intentions are.

At some point, the food shows up and he undoes the straight jacket so I can eat.

We keep talking. She tells me that she wanted monogamy but he is unhappy so she is complying because she wants him to be happy. And says something about not knowing how much she is supposed to sacrifice and yield on from their marriage promises. She straight up asks him: do you want to fall in love with her? (something along those lines.) He has been silent, just like in shock that entire time. He finally says 'I think that's a conversation for you and me to have'.

She starts crying somewhere in this 10/10 level emotionally-intense conversation I had no business witnessing. I ask if I can hold her, and she says yes, he never holds me. She says he's never brought up polyamory until he started talking to me. She agrees the two of them need to talk and says she wants to talk to him now. He agrees that that's important and says he wants to wrap up with me. As soon as she leaves, he apologizes to me and said he wasn't expecting that and that it's not true that they hadn't talked about polyamory before and clearly has strong feelings on that. We wrap up.

I go home and text like 5 of my friends bc my adrenaline was at 100. I smoke weed and drink beer and text text text. I journal my feelings. I'm writing basically about how intense it is to be approximate to power and to ponder feeling like things I did in my life could actually make an impact. Coalescing my ideology of how much I admire my friends and think of them all as change makers and how connection is what I think the most important part of life is, how so much of the problems are because people don't talk to each other outside of their own communities, how if I could get rich and give money and networking opportunities to my friends who focus on equity and the environment and public policy, public health, community-centered architecture and industrial design, education, housing...

I could make such a huge difference in the world if I just gave opportunities to my loved ones and enabled them to empower their loved ones and colleagues.

I feel overwhelmed that one date with someone could make me feel both so seen in the awkwardness and argumentativeness and kinkiness AND this capable of change (but also because of personal work I'd been doing for months duhhh) after I'd felt so lost on my career journey at that point (pursuing a phd). I had told him on the date that I felt mostly intellectually drawn towards him so I thought we could be friends if that was how things went, no worries. In the moment, I start crying about how much I clearly care about this person already. He texts that he and his wife talked and that he was going to be polyamorous.

I basically mentally accept that my role in their life is going to be a guide through the world of polyamory. Within a week, I've compiled a list of the resources I've liked over the years and shared it with them. Boundaries were really bad. I don't think you can really recover after a first date like that. I'm really sad I didn't know at the time that I should have said no to meeting his wife on the first date. Now I do.

We had four months together exploring different kink things and getting to know each others' world views. In talking to him, I completely shifted my career trajectory to be more ambitious. We laughed so much and explored so many funny kinky things. Like me wearing little finger cuffs while in harder discussions like about taxation and rent control. How giving me a little fidget made it easier for me to not get too sad. Like either of us wearing a shock collar while we discussed the merits and cons of capitalism and shocking each other for disagreement in a way that made me giggle giggle giggle.

It was an absolutely incredible relationship. I miss him so much because, as I've often thought since, I just don't know I'll ever find that combination with someone again. For the first time ever, I was actually able to see how I could maybe function successfully in a long-term relationship with someone as a nesting partner. There was space for my argumentativeness and sarcasm and brattiness and mommy-ness and little-ness and existential angst and endless curiosity and extreme ambition and big emotions and excitement and speculation... I felt like I was all of myself with someone for once. And apparently being all of myself necessarily included time to hang out in onesies on the floor for hours at a time.

The break up was shocking to some extent and ... very unsurprising in another. Had I not felt so connected to him, no shit that's what was going to happen. It was really hard to see him choose something that seemed to make him feel so much less seen. He felt like a serious business man with a kinky streak with some d/s cuddling with her. And like a little midwestern smart stubborn kiddo with mischief on his mind all the time with me.

I hope he felt in touch with mr when he was with me. I didn't get to tell him I loved him in real life. I felt it for about a month towards the end, but I never felt like there was a right moment to say it. I had tested out if it was ok by saying 'there's certain language that I don't know if is ok to use because I don't know how she'll feel about it' and he had acted awkward each time. I assumed it was about her. In the stupid text and email thread blowup breakup series, I told him that I loved him over text and he said he didn't love me but that didn't mean he wouldn't have. I told him how much he meant to me in a lot of detail, and about all he could say was that he appreciated our time together and would think of me fondly and that he cared about me.
-----

I feel so alone. It was all so bizarre. I had to process so much every time we spent time together. I'm very anti capitalist and a lot of my ideas were challenged, and I got him to challenge some of his ideas too. Plus their stressful relationship which I knew way too much about. I felt worse and worse about his relationship with his wife throughout our time together. I didn't understand why either of them were together because they seemed so unhappy with each other and completely incompatible. I somehow didn't think I could lose him because I felt so connected to him. It feels really weird to think about him not being in my life. In some ways it felt like a fever dream. It was such a short time but completely changed my life. How does someone like that just disappear? And I know it changed my life because of what it let me feel about myself and what I was capable of. But I just don't understand how he doesn't feel the same way as me. I never had, and I don't think ever will again feel that understood by and similar to someone. It's hard to swallow that he doesn't seem to feel that way too. Or to swallow that maybe he does, but feels more responsibility to his marriage out of obligation and some misguided belief in the magic power of love to change people. Why does he think that he'll ever stop arguing with someone who doesn't want the same things out of life as him? Besides a kid? Why pull on an existing relationship that hasn't grown in line with the way you grew when it hurts both of you instead of letting go and seeing whats possible when you're actually compatible with someone?

I wish it were easier for me to feel compatible with people. I don't and didn't believe in 'the one' or even finding a partner for a long term relationship with when I met him. So now I'm just trying to make space in my life to be more of the person I was with him on my own. I'm buying stuffed animals. I'll get a onesie eventually. I'm pursuing kink only and no more vanilla sex. I'm finding my autism diagnosis and trying to meet more people who I talk like with more similar brains to me. I'm finding comfort in spending time with people I connect with less but still a lot. Kind people with better communication skills and clear, defined expectations or lack there of.

I wish I could forget all the weird things I know about what happened between them. And trust that he can take care of himself. I guess since he wants to stay married, it's easier that I'm out of his life to threaten that. And not threaten it because it would be a problem for him. But because I upset his wife so much. I hope she keeps doing the growth she was doing when I was around to impress him after I'm gone and she no longer has someone to compete in an imaginary competition with. I hope I was wrong about everything I think I know. And it was just bizarre because they're rich and that enables weird problems and not because she's a narcissist. I really wish I could re-write my memories so that instead of the way things ended, I could have just told him I loved him and he could have said I care about you deeply and then it just blacks out after that and I think he's moved out of the country or something.

I have a few friends who I can talk about the world with at length. I need to talk to them more. And get over it. I wish it was easy to get over people.
 
I read your blog and it's very interesting. I am so sorry for your loss, but I hope you gained much insight about yourself and kink and polyamory that will come in useful as life goes on!
 
Hi perpetually.concerned,

I'm so sorry about your recent breakup, he sounded like such a perfect match for you. I guess his wife kind of interposed herself in the situation, and scared him into breaking up with you. That was such an awful thing for her to do, but it sounds like the two of them had problems that stemmed from well before you met him (and will probably continue well after you had to leave him). You do seem to have learned a lot about yourself from this short-lived relationship, so, that's one thing.

I hope you gain some healing from this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I did learn so much!! About myself and kink in a huge way and polyamory boundaries.

I really don't believe in soul mates, but I believe he's someone I have a lot of other simultaneous and past lives with. Trying to make sense of why I had to know him so transiently this time around, but I think that will take time.

I'd like to share on this thread various kink experiences I had. I can't tell you how much the things we explored together made me realize about myself!!!! I had no idea how much bondage could open up new avenues to vulnerability.

I went into the relationship aware I was a masochist and submissive and using the language of "little" a bit. And knowing I was very open minded. But I came out being like HOLY SHIT I LIKE EVERYTHING 😭 But mostly I'm a mommy and a little :) Every time we spent time together at his place, we'd immediately get in cute pink fuzzy bear onesies and cuddle. Every time he got hard he would make this silly naughty face and pointedly look at his dick. It always made me giggly. I had never had sex feel so wholesome. Often I would hold him and stroke his head and he would suck on my breasts in a very caregiver/little way. I felt very caretaking too in putting him in bondage and getting him off. The last time we saw each other, I had him in a sleepersack and he wanted me to be kissing him the whole time which was more intimate than normal.

I'm very ADHD like diagnosed, and he was really entertained by my enthusiasm. I'd be all like 'OMG YES TAHT'S SO COOL' and do happy jump ups and downs. We'd get close and hug and bounce back and forth together. In the shower, we'd shuffle around in circles and give each other nose nuzzles. It was hands down the sweetest stimm-iest relationship I've ever had. Makes me smile thinking about it :)

He's the kinkiest person I've ever met. Very, very into bondage. Like bunch of layers of soft things then strapped into something where he couldn't breathe well or see anything. It was really inspiring to be around actually. And he felt really lonely in it when I met him. His wife is dominant, but not as into kink as frequently as he is and not perfectly aligned. They had struggles with meeting each other's needs, and he became convinced (After being told again and again) that his desire to be in bondage for long periods of time and be milked was selfish. That made me really sad because I felt so intimately connected to him when we did long bondage scenes together. I think he's more active now on Fetlife at least, finding kinky friends. And after my encouragement talking about how I share my kink adventures with my friends, he started opening up to some of his. I really hope he keeps opening up because he has so much to offer the kink community. But also hope he doesn't involve anyone else emotionally in his relationship fuckyness.
 
He's learning, but still has much to learn.
 
Hey @perpetually.concerned thanks for sharing your story here. It gives way more context to your other post about not being able to let go your concerns about potential abuse. Holy heck, that first meeting (including his wife) would have been intense in particular.

You have such good memories and I'm glad you're able to hold them even though you have grief and other emotions too.

The cognitive dissonance when you've felt connection with someone and they seem not to share what you experienced can be really unsettling... I think these are some of the hardest breakups because it tears the emotional flesh.

Your plan to build yourself up seems really healthy and I hope you continue to heal and find joy. I look forward to reading more of your blog if you do continue to write here.
 
I have so many really wonderful memories with him!!! Since I do believe him to be the victim of narcissistic abuse, I do still believe he felt the same connection w/ me as I felt w/ him even if he doesn't realize it right now. I've been emotionally abused before and know the mental hoops my brain jumped through to rationalize staying with that person. I think right now he has to hate me to stay with his wife, but eventually I hope he is able to get out safely and can cherish our memories too even if I don't hear from him again.

I've actually been doing a really good job lately just remembering little things that made me happy. I think ti's easier because he and I never actually fought except at the very end online when he was equating our small arguments w/ his arguments w/ his wife. And I feel I've done everything I could to protect him. So I'm just trying to appreciate what he helped me learn about myself.

This week I met a new thinks-he's-autistic guy who I feel similarly cute w/ on being awkward shy together. He was really interested to hear about the different kink things I did w/ my ex so that's fun! It's much harder for me to access many of the kink things I did w/ my ex because I don't have hte resources, but I need to get motivated. I want to hang out in pink onesies all the time again!!!!


The sweetest things w/ my ex were showing up at the house, taking my shoes off, immediately getting into bouncy back and forth nose touching happy stims, then quickly stripping off our clothes and getting into pink teddy bear onesies and cuddling on the pillow ground. Sometimes I would bring over my stuffie :) every moment with him is one I really cherish. He completely changed the direction of my career and life and even if I don't ever get to see him anymore, the best parts of him get to live on in me and that feels beautiful
 
Glad you are cherishing the good times you shared with him, that is the positive way to cope with breaking up with him.
 
[[[[[ been broken up ^^^ "Paul", no contact since July. Met Mark the last month I was with Paul, been dating 6 months now. Mark is in a relationship of 10 years with Fiona, and they've been poly for the last 3 (and I think were open for a while before that?). I'm just starting to get to know Fiona after a threesome we had last weekend).]]]]

Update! I hung out w/ Fiona last night. I was really wonderful. Mark is a fairly private person, like doesn't offer up information readily & maybe goes a little overboard on not sharing to respect other people's privacy. Which (post history, kinda ex where I was in a no-boundaries terrible dynamic) has been really healing for me, but I've pushed him a little on being more open about enjoyment w/ other partners bc it makes me happy. He's been more open about his relationship wtih Fiona over the last few months- sharing happy things- and it's made me feel closer to him. Mark is also generally a quieter person.

Fiona is OPPOSITE like so much like me where she's down to get into the most intimate detail of things. We talked about so many things in a short amount of time, all of it feeling really good and just like normal close connection vibes. A couple of years ago, I had hooked up with their close friend & housemate at the time. I didn't know the connection before I went out with Mark, and found out the first time he came to my house and told me he'd been there before for parties, then we found our social overlaps (of which there have been many to the point where I'm kinda pissed i didnt' meet him and Fiona earlier). But, I've felt weird a bit talking to Mark about it bc I haven't wanted him to feel like I was using him to process that expereince I guess? He's a pretty non-reactive listener, so it's easy to project reactions onto him in anxious situations (but in general he's sososososo easy to talk to / a great listener / one of the parterns I've felt the most comfortable with / supported me through really dark times with my breakup this summer where I felt crazy). But Fiona and I got INTO it, and it was so incredibly validating and everything I want out of poly/human connection broadly.

I had gone on two dates with their friend - Jared - and became immediately infatuated w/ him bc he's this really specific type of awkward that makes me feel immediately comfortable being my favorite version of myself. It was bad timing for him & ended in a way where I tried way too hard to be his friend and didn't get that he was flat out rejecting me bc I'm bad at reading anything other than 'i no longer want to interact with you at all, please dont' talk to me' as a rejection, so I had some weird 'i'm creepy' feelings about Jared after. But I got to express that and all my affection towards Jared to Fiona, and she was so validating and shared her feeling about Jared w/ me. It was really weird to learn that Jared and Fiona had talked about me, positively.

ALSO! And VERY big <3poly feelings to me: Fiona shared a bit more w/ me than Mark had about what a dramatic positive turn their sex life has taken since Mark met me. It made me want to cry bc I guess me opening up Mark to kink has had a really transformative effect on his life that's been super validating for him emotionally. Fiona was out of town for 3 months when Mark and I started seeing each other, and over the last year had realized she was interested in women and started dating a woman, and I guess towards her leaving for the 3 months had told Mark that she thought she was a lesbian. Mark was apparently really nervous to 'come out' to Fiona about being kinky - they've been together 10 years, and I guess hadn't explored kink at all really? And Fiona was nervous she wasn't kinky and that it would possibly become a rift in their connection. But when she came back, they started exploring kink with Fiona being dominant, and it's been a complete transformation for her sexually! And for Mark too. I guess Mark felt really undesirable for a while, and Fiona was questioning if she was even interested sexually in men. But it was just that Fiona is dominant and didn't realize it 😭 and now they're soooo all over each other ♥️. Like renting hotel rooms, doing molly and exploring, having a ton of sex while their housemates have been out of town. Mark is a 'hobbyist' and has been crafting all sorts of bondage things and toys and theyv'e been experimenting withthem. When I slept with them this weekend, I defintely just assumed this was something that had been a part of their lives for a while because Fiona was such a natural. And my sex with Mark has been fucking incredible the whole time, very switchy and full commitment/presence the whole time. Fiona expressed something that melted my heart about how much exploring bondage as a dominant has made her feel so in love. And said she felt really grateful that Mark met me because of what it had brought to their life.

And like, I just can't think of anything that's more poly happy than that!!!! Tha'ts what it should be!!!!!

It's such an amazing contrast/ continuation of what I had with my super kinky (Paul) ex who I was super in love with. Bc his wife was NOT poly and was very much seeing herself as in competition with me ( i didn't realize how fucked up it was at the time, my first time being with someone who was coupled seriously). I explored so much bondage with Paul. I had explored kink before him, but it was the first relationship where bondage and little space took a really major role in my life/ life with someone else. And it made me fall so deeply in love with him. I have no idea what we explored was new for him and what were things he had already explored with his wife, which doesn't matter and I wasn't curious about at the time, but in retrospect i just.. have no idea how much I meant to him, because he meant & means the world to me. I think regardless of what was 'new' for him objectively (caregiver/little dynamics, forced affection (him being in bondage and me kissing him all over / him being unable to move or see and me using him as my stuffed animal to cuddle with), us co-bottoming with a dominatrix ...), it was inherently new between us because all connections are unique. It made kink become a huge, essential part of my life. Though I've been hesitant around seeking it out in the same way since him because I associate it with him so much and miss him so much. He was my teddy bear<3. He knew kink was an essential part of his life since age like 8- he would put himself in bondage and hide it from his parents from a really young age. And dated a bunch of vanilla partners who made him feel really ashamed of it and selfish. He met his wife on a bdsm thread of omegle and it was the first relationship he got to be a sub for someone, and it was her first relationship ever(never had sex before). I think BDSM turned into a weird thing for them bc she was also into vanilla sex but he didn't want that at all, and she grew to resent it and his kinks. IT was sad bc she clearly felt unhappy with certain lacking of her needs being met in their relationship that she coudln't acknoweldge bc of her ideas of 'soul mates'. But that resulted in Paul once again feeling selfish for being a submissive bottom.

I spent a lot of time in that relationship affirming Paul and letting him know how much him opening the door to that dynamic for me had meant to me. And I wish Paul knew that it was changing other peoples lives to, through me. Paul was really secretive about his kink identity before me, but started opening up a bit to his friends while we were dating. I hope he doesn't stop and let kink stay somethign he mostly tries to hide because I think he could be such an empowering figure for so mnay people beyond me. He was rich and wanted to build a whole compelx for kink/bondage to start a play scene in our city. I haven't seen evidence of it existing yet, and I feel so concerned that things I said in anger at the end of our relationship about him not being a safe person to exist in community with because of his poor communication skills put him back in a closet. He told me not to contact him anymore, and I'm struggling so hard to keep myself from writing him telling him what a positive impact he's had on my life and other's through me. It fucking sucks to date someone in a relationship you believe is abusive. It was so hard and remains so confusing.
 
Also, it's so wild to me how people feel so impacted by me. I have a really difficult time with the concept of being perceived. My sense of reality is being a transient figure, only existing to someone in the moment when I'm interacting with someone. I think i've developed this mentality because of abandonment trauma-- my older brother who was my role model fucked off and kinda ghosted my family w/o anything bad happening, and it's difficult for me to imagine how he's able to think of me and love me and not reach out. That and being forced into awareness of how much more time I spend thinking about people than other people think about me in almost every relationship I've been in. A thing about autism (its manifestation for me anyways) is having hyperempathy. When people share things with me, I feel in my body the feelings they're expressing or relaying. And in breakups, when I don't have all the information but have bits and pieces, I spend too long parsing together the most accurate depiction I can of what I think they're going through in order to understand what's happening. This is especially bad in confusing breakups like what I had with Paul. The concept of shutting down thoughts is so foreign to me. I struggle a lot to reconcile when people express that I've had a positive impact on them.

I feel like all I do is talk about my experiences openly without a sense of shame about transgressing social norms because I'm autistic and without thinking before I talk bc I have adhd and am impulsive. I know it's also because I think deeply about things and articulate things well / explain what the emotional appeal is of things in a way that helps people understand their own experiences. But it's just so wild how repressed so many people are on sexuality when it's such a core part of who we are as humans. I've been spending a lot of time on reddit lately arguing with people who are anti kink and anti poly and anti sex work about the merits of those things. After spending about a year posting aggressively on instagram about my experiences (had my handle on my feeld profile and was accepting anyone, so i developed an odd audience of mostly men all over the world who would talk to me about their sex lives & I would validate them in a way that felt really powerful and important). Reddit is a dark place lol. Sex shame is such a horrible control tactic over human nature. I think of and use sex in a very autistic way of like 'this is a shortcut to deep connection & cuts through all the bullshit'. It's nice to have finally committed to poly and sex positivity and as a result connecting with people who are actually open to what I seek instead of continuing what I was doing before and welcoming monogamous people into my world and heart and getting burned and reacted to as if I was clingy and asking for too much. Online connections are so much safer lol.

I don't know how much I've really sat with the experience of being received on social media. I stopped posting on instagram a month ago, and it's been harder to feel socially connected. I stopped because I noticed I was actively less incentivized to maintain my in person relationships which made it feel like it had gone too far. Messaging through reddit and dating apps as a substitute for the text attention I need to feel socially tethered has been weird. I like the anonymity and lack of pressure on reddit, and I like arguing. But I think there's a big part of me that's avoiding loving myself. I have a really hard time loving certain aspects of myself because I'm very anxious about being overly egotistical. I get so anxious about being judged as attention seeking when I interact in the world generally, dancing especially. I hate being anxious.

I mostly do a good job of loving myself. But the hardest thing is trying to feel like my relationships are ever not one sided. I've shifted my self-conceptualization to be rooted more in friendship than romantic relationships because I feel a lot more grounded in friendships. But it's just a fact that I'm more incentivized by romantic/sexual relationships, and that they play are really essential role in my life. I've had so, SO many experiences of transient love. Loving someone as much as one can use the word love after 2 dates-- I struggle with this because I know how dangerous infatuation can be. But I also believe I see people at their core- the best versions of themselves - very quickly, especially if I share intimacy with them. I know this isn't an accurate representation of who they would be in partnership, and I never have illusions about 'oh we could spend so much time together and be happy'. But I do admire them deeply, care about them strongly, and want the best for them.

I feel like this year is the first year where I've started to find partners who really respect me and show up for me. With Paul, it was odd because he was a terrible hinge. But I still feel like he was that for me while we were together, and it was just too complicated with his shitty marriage. It was confusing having it end in an invalidating way, because it fucks with my sense of reality. I don't understand how I could love someone so fully and feel like they loved me back and be wrong about that. And it's the second time I've felt I was mutually in love with someone and had them dismiss that. But I feel like (and this is really scary for me to write) that both Matt and Max are people who are safe to love. And I think I'm in love with both of them. And I think I would readily fall in love with Fiona too. I feel so confused and uncomfortable when I hear positive feedback from any of them about existing to them outside of the time I spend with them. It means the world to me that Fiona and Matt's relationship has been positively impacted by me. I can't think of a more concrete positive effect I could have on someone (both of them). If shit hit the fan and I never talked to either of them again, I would feel so happy to know I had that type of impact on someone. After breakups, I always worry that I've had a net negative impact on someone. Even tho people's takeaway's from relationships is not my responsibility and says more about them than me.
 
Social media was interesting bc it allowed me to tap into a dynamic I feel a lot of the time in my in person connections that makes me uncomfortable hwne they're in person but feels safe on line : the dynamic being -- parasocial relationships. Dating neurotypical people has always felt like i'm being received as a character on a TV show instead of a human being. The way I posted on IG was to take pictures of my expressions and type out all of my thoughts about whatever that day - often about kink, my sexuality, adhd, autism, random political opinions, opinions about social media, connection, sometimes science, sometimes GME (lol). A lot of my relationships became dynamics where people would occasionally respond to me or just react to me and sometimes I would talk to them about their sex lives. And I met a few really good friends that way that I will text in depth off and on (they all have adhd and/or autism lol). I have one person I have a primarily online relationship with who I knew in person for ~a week and am totally in love with who posts the same way I do. IT's really freeing to observe her and feel connected to her without needing individual attention. IT almost completely deletes the pressure on how much time we spend messaging each other for me. I feel connected to her regardless. And it felt safe to me to know htat other poeple related to me in that way. While maintaining htis deep sense of none of them really *knowing me*. It let me have relationships without being worried about dissapointing people bc most of those people weren't in my city and I phsyically coudlnt' spend time with them. I want to be able to date every single person who wants to date me because I feel such strong empathy. And it hurts so much to let people down when I don't feel like they actually see me, and I don't want to date them because I feel uncomfortable around them as a result.

The last year has been really interesting, and I'm really curious what 2022 will bring. In 2021, I reached a state where I was truly happy by myself, in connection with people, where I maintained a strong sense of individuality by being extremely intentional in parsing apart every emotional expereince I had with someone into what it made me feel about msyelf and what it made me feel about them as two very separate things. The idea of letting someone in in a real way where I feel like they're a part of me -- I'm unsure how I feel about it. I feel like I do it constantly with friends. But I just don't know if up to date, I've been capable enough of seeing myself as bringing value to someone else to really be present with someone. I feel sad and confused any time people I relate to tell me how they feel about me. I think if either Matt or Max told me that they loved me, I woudl start bawling and I would genuinely be sad because I would just htink about Paul. I wrote a song with a lyric:

"And I'll cry if you tell me you like having me around/
'cuz I die just a little every time I'm lost and found/
and I'll try to be near you to stay present here and now/
but I cry, I cry , I cry"

I've divorced myself so completely from needing reciprocation bc the need for it was destroying me that I'm legitimately unsure now how to process being affirmed. I tried to tell Max I loved him when I visited him in Mexico over break (... we've only been seeing each other like 3 months lol but it was a heavy intellectual connection where I basically cohabited with him and did work really well with him and ..it's just been inexplicably easy?), but when I htought about how I would do it, every time it came with this preamble about how I didn't want to put any pressure on him and how I was only saying it because it was something I wanted to say and not because I was looking for a response from him... like .. I coudln't imagine it being mutual. it's so fucking sad. In 2022, I hope I can find it in msyelf to tell Max and or Matt that I love them if it continues to go well and feel like that's accurate to my emotions. and have it feel good instead of making me cry if they are kind to me in response.

Ramble ramble, had a lot of thoughts last night/this morning. I really appreciate this place on the internet as a place to ramble ramble and be received well <3 <3 <3 <3. I haven't spent a lot of time here, but I love all of you.
 
Hi,

I started reading your blog and really enjoying it.

My ex-partner and I explored kink while we were together and it was a very 'interesting' journey. Since we ended our relationship I've been really missing the kink side.

Looking forward to reading more :)
 
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