I really don't think Geoff would be turned on by that idea. And if I were to say to him, "I won't answer you until you fuck me," we would both end up doubled over with laughter. Ewan is the one for dirty sex talk. Geoff would think I was nuts.
My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?
- Thread starter Aurelie26
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I really don't think Geoff would be turned on by that idea. And if I were to say to him, "I won't answer you until you fuck me," we would both end up doubled over with laughter. Ewan is the one for dirty sex talk. Geoff would think I was nuts.
Well, thankfully for my son, Geoff did not, does not, feel this way. They hit it off straight away.
He does not think of himself as a babysitter. He does not think that Max is some kind of baggage or extra trouble. He loves Max to bits, and Max loves him.
They love to hang out together. They are always doing stuff that excludes me, whether I'm there or not. Max knows how much he is loved by Geoff. He knows because he is always being hugged, kissed, spoilt and looked after by him. I never ask Geoff to do this. He does it because he loves Max.
Geoff does not watch Max. He looks after him, jointly with me. He bathes him, helps him dress, takes him to the park, reads him stories, puts him to bed, etc. He does everything a dad does. He does it because he sees Max as his son. And Max sees Geoff as his dad.
Geoff does not have to stay in when I go out on my dates. He can, and sometimes does, go out also. We can get sitters for Max any time.
Geoff comes first. The idea that I could be indifferent to his unhappiness is so very wrong.
I like Ewan's arrogance, but not when it is directed towards Geoff. I make it clear to Ewan that Geoff comes first, although I don't really like to mention Geoff at all to Ewan. He does not like to talk about his wife when he is with me, either.
That's right, NYCindie. That's what I'm going to do. I am pretty clear in my mind how I am going to go about this now.
I do see my relationship with Geoff as a long-time thing. That's for certain.
Will I become sick of Ewan? I don't know. I have been with him for two and a half years now, and I am still as sexually attracted to him as I ever was. Our sex life has not yet gotten mundane. It may someday, I suppose.
I love Ewan. But I don't think that our love could stand up to day-to-day normality the way my love for Geoff does.
I was envious of your arrangement when you told me about it. I have been reading your blog. You're right, it is long, so I've only got through some of it. I find it to be very interesting. I respect you very much for keeping your relationships together. It seems to be quite a struggle, at times. I realise how easy I have had, it up to now.
You seem to fight for what you want. I admire your emotional strength. That's something I don't have. While I am happy to battle and fight with Ewan, it only takes a few cross words from Geoff (as we had last night, a silly row over nothing) to leave me in fits of tears and unable to sleep.
I will continue to enjoy reading your blog.
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dingedheart
Well-known member
Could Geoff's love and affection for Max, and the love and affection returned by him, be a factor in Geoff tolerating this? That could a factor on both sides of this-- your conflicted feeling, not wanting to lose a bf and a father for your son, and Geoff loving your son, loving you completely, and loving the dad role so much that he swallows the pain, or humiliation, or discomfort. The loss of the two of you would be more painful.
Anneintherain
Member
Aurelie, maybe he is just bored, so goes to bed. Maybe taking care of Max is tiring, so he relaxes with a quiet house and falls asleep when Max does. Maybe he really is like, "I have to get up early. I want to go to sleep." I don't think it's right or fair to expect him to wait up for you. It seems selfish and frankly, controlling. Wake him up sweetly when you get home if you want his attention.
If you want him to wait up for you, don't just promise to come in earlier, promise to be home by X o'clock.
I highly recommend that, over saying, "Well, please wait up til 11:30, and I'll try to be home. You can go to sleep if I'm not home by then," and then only coming home sometimes by that time, leaving him irritated that he waited up sometimes when he's tired but couldn't go to bed because he promised not to.
The love he has for my son is a factor, but the main thing is his love for me, and mine for him.
It means the world to me that my son has a daddy now, one that loves him, and is not afraid to show him affection. I will never deny that. It means the world to Max, also.
Ewan thinks that I'm with Geoff for this reason. This, and the fact that he works hard to look after us and provide the things my son and I want. He's wrong. Yes, it's a factor, and I am very attracted to that side of Geoff, the side that allows him to show his feelings, both to me and Max. It's the opposite to Ewan.
I love Geoff though, not because my son loves him, or because he loves my son. I love him.
Yes, I know it's selfish. I don't know why it means that much to me. It does, though.
I asked him to wait up for me tonight. He said that he would.
Anneintherain
Member
Aurelie, something you should keep in mind is that Geoff is passing out of the NRE stage with you. Perhaps that could be another factor in not waiting up for you.
I really think you need to let it go. I might mean a lot to you, but it doesn't mean anything healthy. If you really want you relationship with Geoff to thrive, you have a lot of work to be doing on your own. The more you share about your relationship, the more likely it seems to me that Geoff might be having the attitude he has because you two have other stuff going on.
Having read all of these books, I highly recommend them for your particular situation, and for Geoff to read too. Sounds like he could use his own help for setting boundaries.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Couple...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333648752&sr=1-1
http://www.amazon.com/Have-Give-Lov...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333648855&sr=1-1
I really think you need to let it go. I might mean a lot to you, but it doesn't mean anything healthy. If you really want you relationship with Geoff to thrive, you have a lot of work to be doing on your own. The more you share about your relationship, the more likely it seems to me that Geoff might be having the attitude he has because you two have other stuff going on.
Having read all of these books, I highly recommend them for your particular situation, and for Geoff to read too. Sounds like he could use his own help for setting boundaries.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Couple...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333648752&sr=1-1
http://www.amazon.com/Have-Give-Lov...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333648855&sr=1-1
Did you set a specific time that you would be home so that he isn't stuck waiting indefinitely? I think that is an important sign of your willingness to work with him to make him more comfortable with the situation.
dingedheart
Well-known member
What do you think your need for having Geoff awake when you arrive home after your dates with Ewan is based on?
A need for reassurance that what you're doing is okay? Convincing yourself, easing guilt, if any?
A need for reassurance that what just occurred isn't really really bothering Geoff, at least not enough to cause big problems?
Something else?
Knowing he dislikes the situation, why push the after-date get-together? I see nothing in it for him. If it was comforting and helpful to him, he'd be doing it. It seems more like you're rubbing his nose in it, and he's opting to fake sleep so as to not deal with it.
A need for reassurance that what you're doing is okay? Convincing yourself, easing guilt, if any?
A need for reassurance that what just occurred isn't really really bothering Geoff, at least not enough to cause big problems?
Something else?
Knowing he dislikes the situation, why push the after-date get-together? I see nothing in it for him. If it was comforting and helpful to him, he'd be doing it. It seems more like you're rubbing his nose in it, and he's opting to fake sleep so as to not deal with it.
Thank you for the links, Anne. They look interesting. I will read them. I hope they help. I guess controlling people don't think they are controlling, do they? Thing is, I really don't think I am, and neither is Geoff. I would say we are both very laid back.
I do not cope with confrontation very well, and will do almost anything to avoid it. I think that Geoff is the same, and that's why we have been able to do this for nearly a year without any real problems, up till recently anyway. I now think that this has not been such a great thing, and that we should have been talking about everything all through our relationship. I think that would be healthier.
Well, I just want a hug. I just want some affection and tenderness from him. I don't get that from Ewan. Geoff just has a way of making me feel loved, and I know that my son feels the same way about him. Geoff is not afraid to express his feelings that way.
I think it's also a way for me to tell him that although I have been with Ewan, I'm back now, and that I will always come back to him, because he is the person, along with my son, that I need and love the most.
To help me ease guilt? Yes, a little. A kiss and cuddle was a way for him to tell me it was okay. Reassurance, yes, for sure.
Yes, we did set a specific time for me to come in last night. I asked him what time he wanted me home, and he said 10.30pm. That is early, seeing as sometimes I don't get back till gone midnight. But I said okay. I got in at 10.15, and he was waiting for me.
People reading this must think I'm nuts. I can't tell you how much it meant to me. I got a bit emotional.
Max was in our bed, but Geoff explained that Max and he had got into this habit. He gives him his bath, and then they watch DVDs or play X-box in bed, and then have a cuddle while reading him a story, and then he falls asleep.
Geoff and I had a kiss and cuddle like we used to.
We have arranged a sitter for Max on Sunday. We have both agreed that we need to talk about things. I have told him that he can ask me anything he wants, and I will answer him, and he has agreed to do the same. I hope it goes okay.
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Awesome! I'm sure you two will be able to work something out.
I completely understand about wanting that closeness when you get home. It's probably good for both of you for exactly the reasons you stated-- you reassuring him that you'll always come back, and him reassuring you that he's still there for you.
I also think it's adorable that he and Max have a routine for the nights that you're not there for bedtime. It's good Dad-Son bonding time.
Best of luck with all the discussions!
I completely understand about wanting that closeness when you get home. It's probably good for both of you for exactly the reasons you stated-- you reassuring him that you'll always come back, and him reassuring you that he's still there for you.
I also think it's adorable that he and Max have a routine for the nights that you're not there for bedtime. It's good Dad-Son bonding time.
Best of luck with all the discussions!
To be honest, I think everyone here is being way too nice to you. You are treating Geoff like shit. It's only polyamory if it is consensual by all. The kind of consent that you have from Geoff is not really consent. You are being a terrible person. But that doesn't mean that you can't decide to stop being one, put a stop to the abuse, and break up with either Ewan, or Geoff, or both.
If someone loves you too much to leave, and is willing to put up with your behaviour, then there is a massive imbalance of power in that relationship. There is no consent in a meaningful way, just the dependency on you that means he will put up with anything.
Much the same as the all too common situation in a relationship where the man is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive to the woman, but the woman feels too weak and disempowered to leave, and loves him anyway, the power dynamic is unhealthy and wrong.
I'm speaking as an anarchist. I believe in analysing, critiquing and challenging exploitative and hierarchical relationships, whether economic or social.
If someone loves you too much to leave, and is willing to put up with your behaviour, then there is a massive imbalance of power in that relationship. There is no consent in a meaningful way, just the dependency on you that means he will put up with anything.
Much the same as the all too common situation in a relationship where the man is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive to the woman, but the woman feels too weak and disempowered to leave, and loves him anyway, the power dynamic is unhealthy and wrong.
I'm speaking as an anarchist. I believe in analysing, critiquing and challenging exploitative and hierarchical relationships, whether economic or social.
Vixtoria
New member
I have to admit, I would never tell DH that he needs to stay up because while I'm out having awesome sex, I don't get enough 'loving attention,' so he needs to stay up so I can have both. I think DH would flip, and be right to. I mean, you want the awesome sex with one guy, but then the cuddles with someone else after, like he's a stand in. "I love you, but the sex is better there. So just wait outside the door. We'll have the awesome sex, and when we're done, you slip in while he slips out and cuddle me!"
In a perfect world, where there were no feelings involved for these guys, and you could just have what you wanted with no consequences, then great! Otherwise, that just does not ring caring to me.
Look, there is more to poly then having everything you want, getting the best of both worlds. You are a hinge. That means there is more pressure on you, because you are balancing two relationships. So far, it looks like you are doing the least amount of work in all of this.
You have issues with confrontation. So do I. I'm working on it. I have done more work on myself and my marriage since poly, not less. I have to work on my communication, my issues. I have to be honest with how I feel, what I want, why I want it, and if it's something I need to find for myself, instead of getting from someone else.
Yes, I get much from both the men in my life, but it's not their job to make me feel any way. If you need to feel reassured because you were out having hot sex, and not at home with your son and boyfriend, then imagine how the boyfriend feels.
I recommend the two of you doing some work on your communication and on yourselves. Poly isn't a way to salve your issues and not have to deal with them. If anything, to do it successfully and fairly, it's a catalyst to work on yourself and your own issues. Otherwise you are just expanding the amount of people you are having issues with, and possibly hurting!
In a perfect world, where there were no feelings involved for these guys, and you could just have what you wanted with no consequences, then great! Otherwise, that just does not ring caring to me.
Look, there is more to poly then having everything you want, getting the best of both worlds. You are a hinge. That means there is more pressure on you, because you are balancing two relationships. So far, it looks like you are doing the least amount of work in all of this.
You have issues with confrontation. So do I. I'm working on it. I have done more work on myself and my marriage since poly, not less. I have to work on my communication, my issues. I have to be honest with how I feel, what I want, why I want it, and if it's something I need to find for myself, instead of getting from someone else.
Yes, I get much from both the men in my life, but it's not their job to make me feel any way. If you need to feel reassured because you were out having hot sex, and not at home with your son and boyfriend, then imagine how the boyfriend feels.
I recommend the two of you doing some work on your communication and on yourselves. Poly isn't a way to salve your issues and not have to deal with them. If anything, to do it successfully and fairly, it's a catalyst to work on yourself and your own issues. Otherwise you are just expanding the amount of people you are having issues with, and possibly hurting!
AnnabelMore
Active member
What the hell, dude? She was with Ewan first. She loves him, even though she acknowledges that their connection is mainly sex and that he can be arrogant. Geoff was cool with it at the start, which is perfectly reasonable in a poly/open context.
Recently, he's become less cool with it. So what should she have done, in your view-- dropped Ewan at the first sign of discontent from the bf? That would have been kind of extreme, don't you think, and cruel in its own way both to her and Ewan? It would have been treating Ewan as completely disposable. Again, yes, that connection is mainly about sex, but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter to them.
So she's taking Geoff's feelings seriously, trying to figure out what to do. She's willing to drop Ewan, if necessary, but she doesn't want to. She's exploring what option will best suit everyone's needs.
How the hell is she being a "terrible person"? By not immediately leaving the "less important person" because the "more important person" begins to decide, quite out of nowhere, that they have a problem with that relationship after all? You say that as an anarchist you challenge hierarchy. But I've gotta say that as someone who's in a "secondary" relationship with someone who has another "primary" relationship, I find the notion that she's "terrible" for not immediately dropping Ewan for Geoff's comfort offensive, and reinforcing of the idea of hierarchy.
Would it be different if her relationship with Ewan were nonsexual, or if the sex were less steamy with Ewan, he had a smaller dick than Geoff, etc., and Geoff's newfound discomfort was unfounded, or was for some other reason, like feeling emotionally threatened? I get the sense, and not just from you in this thread, that that might be so, which makes me wonder how that attitude is anything other than "slut-shaming", i.e., giving a woman a hard time for enjoying sex.
She has two relationships, with nuances in each. One is more serious than the other. The person with whom she has the more serious relationship has decided he no longer feels sanguine about the less serious relationship. He hasn't "withdrawn consent." She is not abusing him and she's not ignoring him. They are working on it.
And you come in here and call her a terrible person. Ugh! This is not a simple situation, and your insulting and reductionist response isn't helpful.
dingedheart
Well-known member
AnnabelMore, the situation is simple. It's the fallout if the truth were learned that makes it complex. The acid test would be to let Geoff read this thread and let him decide how he wants to proceed, in terms of the relationship, babysitting, what love means to him and to her, the need for after-date cuddle time. Eyes wide open.
Vixtoria, has your poly relationship always run smoothly? Do you never have any issues, slight signs of the occasional bit of jealousy, or whatever else? It sounds to me that Aurelie's relationship, up to recently, has run very smoothly, and now that a problem has crept up she is trying to deal with it, trying to make an effort to communicate.
I have read the situation regarding her wanting Geoff to stay up for her completely differently than you. It sounds to me that Geoff used to stay up till she got in, not because she told him to, but because he wanted to, and recently that has changed. (Correct me if I'm wrong about this, Aurelie.) This has upset her, so she again asked him to stay up, and offered to come home earlier. She came home at the time he asked, and he was waiting. I think it is a very loving thing for them both to do, for the reasons Aurelie stated. It rings caring to me, from both of them.
Aurelie says that her man is very sensitive. I'm beginning to suspect that she is also. He has provided an explanation for why the child is in their bed. I agree with Km34, it's adorable, and perfectly reasonable. She may have been reading too much into him not staying up.
Aurelie, I have what I consider to be a good poly relationship with my husband, my boyfriend and his wife. My husband is mono, as is my bf's wife. We are all consenting and it works very well. It doesn't mean that we haven't had our problems though. We have. Sometimes I fight like cats and dogs with my husband, or with my boyfriend, and sometimes with both. I have screamed at them both, and called them all the names you can think of, and they have done the same. We then make up. What I'm saying is that it's not always easy. Even now, things can get rough from time to time. We get through it.
I think up to now you have been very lucky. You have been together a year, and the only problem you have had is a bit of moodiness and jealousy from your boyfriend. That's nothing compared to most couples, poly or not. It's not the end of the world. You can get over these problems.
To my mind, to make this kind of relationship work, you need these things: love, respect, honesty and good communication. You have the first three. You and your boyfriend just need to work on the last one, and you will be fine.
You continue to refer to Geoff as a "babysitter."
That does not sound like any babysitter I have ever used. It sounds like a very sweet and loving father, who adores his son, which is exactly what Aurelie says he is.
Just because when you were 28, you were not mature enough to look after and love a child that wasn't biologically yours, don't assume that every man is the same. They are not. My husband was 25 when we married, and he has been a wonderful father to my daughter. He is not, and never was, a babysitter.
If Geoff were to read Aurelie's posts in this thread, not mine, or yours, or the others,' he would see what I see: that his girlfriend loves him very much!!! Above all else, that is what comes through to me in her posts. He would see that she loves the life she has with him; that he is the best thing that has ever happened to her and her son. He would see that she loves the sex life that she has with him, and that he makes her feel more loved when they are intimate than anyone else ever has.
She also loves another man. This is something she told him from the beginning. She does not love Ewan as much as she loves Geoff, but there is still love there. Geoff would see that Aurelie needs Ewan sexually, because he can give her something else, something Geoff cannot.
I suspect that Geoff would know all of this already. Aurelie just needs to find the best way to confirm it to him, which is what she is trying to do.
I think that Annabelmore got it spot on.
I have only one thing to add. Darthfrog, you are an idiot.
Trying to compare Aurelie with a man that beats his wife! Jeez. I suspect that you have a problem with Aurelie because she is a young woman that enjoys her sexuality. You have a problem that she gets lots of it, and that she chooses to get it from two different men that she loves. Her boyfriend, who is the loving, kind, gentle type, and her lover, a stud with a big dick, who knows how to push her buttons. As Annabelmore says, if it was the other way round, you would have far less of a problem.
I have to say that I'm surprised and disappointed that she has not got more support on this forum.
Aurelie, I hope things went well for you over the weekend. x