My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

[Aurelie26]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the site, and just need some advice and guidance from people who won't judge me.

I met an older (39) married man, Ewan, two and a half years ago. We entered into a poly relationship. He has an arrangement with his wife where they have agreed that they can see other people. It was initially just about a physical attraction. We would meet twice a week for sex. It did not take long for me to fall in love with him.

I admit I wanted him to myself. After about six months, I started talking about us setting up a home together. Ewan made it clear though that he would never leave his wife. I ended the relationship there, but after a few months I missed him so much that we got back together and I agreed to keep things as they were before. I still love him.

So, fast forward to one year ago, I met my boyfriend Geoff. Right from the start, I told him the truth about Ewan, and that I could not give him up, and if he wanted to be with me, it would have to be within an open relationship. He agreed to this.

I can't pretend that it was a 'love at first sight' thing with Geoff. It wasn't. But over the course of the last year, I have truly started to love him very very much. He is completely different from Ewan. He is kind, funny, charming and very loving towards my six-year old son and me. We live with him now. He looks after us and has become like a dad to my son, who adores him.

I continued to see Ewan twice a week. Geoff did initially see other girls too.

The problem is, over the last few months, Geoff has started to show signs of being jealous. He has become moody on the nights I see Ewan, and will often ask questions about him, and also ask me if I prefer Ewan in bed. It has now got to the point where he will even ask if he has a big dick. I don't answer him. I tell him how much I love him. I also tell him not to be jealous, but he will still ask and get upset.

I cannot tell him the truth. As much as I love Geoff, and as gentle and loving as he is, and as much as I love our sex life together, he can't compete with Ewan in bed. We have the most incredible sex together.

I truly do love them both. Geoff comes first though. I have asked him if he wants me to give Ewan up. He has said that it's up to me. He has stopped seeing other girls though, and this makes me feel very guilty.

So I guess what I'm asking is, has anyone else had to deal with something similar, and been able to overcome it and still see two people and make it work? Any suggestions? Thanks.

 

[Arrowbound]

I don't have experience with this, but I can say that it's best if you don't ask him if you should give Ewan up. Generally the answer, and the feeling behind it is yes. His insecurities are already loud, and questions like that will give him the impression that he has control over what you do, when he really doesn't.

I think you can definitely try negotiating, and letting him know that his feelings matter, and investigate why he might be feeling the way he does. Since it hasn't been the case until now, it's important to find out what could be causing the sudden decline in self-image.

 

[KyleKat]

I gave up jealousy when I was very young. It was incredibly difficult but it allows me to be poly today. Geoff needs to look inside himself and figure out what's causing him to feel jealous. Then he needs to kill that. Very few people can do that, but if he can be will be a lot happier. He has to want to not be jealous, though. He can't stop until he's ready to put effort into it.

You need to stop comparing the sex, though. He's probably picking up on that. Tell him that it's different, and that you don't want to discuss it in that kind of detail. Sex with Geoff is not sex with Ewan, or vice versa, and you saying one is better than the other will lead to problems. Different. Not better or worse. Different.

Good luck.

 

[dingedheart]

How old are you and your Geoff?

Is it possible that with in the past year that Geoff's feeling have grown, for you and your son, to a deep love and affection, which is why he shed the other girls. Could that have been a grand gesture to show commitment, love, or direction for the future?

Who looks after your son when you go on these dates?

I don't think I'd try lying, saying it's just different, especially when you don't feel that way. You like give it away.

If being poly is a life-identifying thing for you, this is one of the truths that has to be acknowledged. And it maybe painful to hear, but the truth is the truth. Not everyone is playing pro football, hockey, or soccer, either. At least he can decide how he wants to respond or react to such knowledge, which could be the reason for the question in the first place.

 

[Jericka]

You live with Geoff and he's acting as a dad for your little boy? It sounds like you thought you had almost the perfect situation for a while there. As long as he was dating others too, and not feeling jealous, everything was wonderful. Now, though, you have to figure out what you need, what you really want, and what you can live without, because I foresee this getting thornier before it gets better.

Seriously. Figure out what you need. Not what Geoff needs. That's his job to figure out. Figure out what you need and ask for it.

This may mean you have to ditch the idea of being a nice good girl. If you don't know what I mean by this, it may not make sense yet. In our society, women are often brought up to defer to everyone else's wishes/desires/wants before even considering what they themselves might need. You have the right to run your life. You will be happier if you admit that there are things that you need to have to make you happy. You are an adult, and you can ask for these things. You may not get them from the people that you ask. Determine whether you can live with that, or if you need to move on.

That paragraph? Written from the perspective of a recovering nice good girl. That's me. It took me ages (I'm 43) to realize that I did not have to put everyone else's feelings above mine.

I'm not advocating being rude, here, but, this jealousy problem that Geoff has? His problem. You are not causing it. There are lots of people who could handle the situation you describe just fine without getting insecure about the sex. His problem. You can do what you can to reassure him, but, whether or not you are successful is not in your control. This is his head, and he lets in the reassurances he wants, or not. You can point him at things to read to help him. Whether he reads or understands is not in your control. You can't do it. He is the only one who can.

Boundaries are fine and wonderful things, and you aren't being mean if you stand up for yourself. If Geoff asks how he compares in bed, you don't have to tell him anything. That's between Ewan and you. If he presses, you can tell him that you don't talk to Ewan about him, so you aren't going to talk to him about Ewan.

 

[IndieSolo]

Jericka, you are a woman after my own heart. I love your advice. A "recovering nice good girl." What a gem.

Aurelie, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling Geoff not to ask you these questions. If I were you, I would say, "You know, I really don't appreciate your questions. And I've noticed your moodiness every time I go out. This is the way it is. He is a part of my life, and I told you from the beginning that you have to accept that to be in relationship with me. I never asked you to stop seeing other people. If you're looking for some changes in our relationship, you need to start discussing it with me like a grown-up and stop sulking and questioning me about Ewan."

 

[Aurelie26]

I don't have experience with this, but I can say that it's best you don't ask him if you should give Ewan up. Generally the answer and feeling behind it is 'YES'. His insecurities are already loud, and questions like that will give him the impression that he has control over what you do, when he really doesn't.

I think you can definitely try negotiating, letting him know that his feelings matter, and investigate why he might be feeling the way he does. Since it hasn't been the case until now, it's important to find out what could be causing the sudden decline in self-image.

I asked Geoff if he wanted me to give Ewan up when I was feeling guilty. I didn't mean it. And I don't want to. Geoff is very laid back and easygoing. He really isn't the controlling type, which is why he said it was up to me. (Ewan is more of the controlling type.) I don't think Geoff has any self-image problems either. He is good looking, in great shape, and both my son and I have a great time being with him. The problem started when Ewan and I went away for a weekend together. Geoff asked me not to go, but I did.

 

[Aurelie26]

He needs to look inside himself and figure out what's causing him to feel jealous. Then he needs to kill that. Very few people can do that, but if he can, he will be a lot happier. He has to want to not be jealous, though. He can't stop until he's ready to put effort into it.

You need to stop comparing the sex, though. He's probably picking up on that. Tell him that it's different and that you don't want to discuss it in that kind of detail. Sex with him is not sex with the other guy or vice versa and you saying one is better than the other will lead to problems. Different. Not better or worse. Different.

When Geoff asks who I prefer sex with, I always say the same thing, something like, "Please don't do this. I love you so much, but I don't want to talk about that." I always fob him off. I think he takes that to mean that I prefer Ewan. I think he would think the same if I told him that it was different. What he wants to hear is that sex is better with him. Sometimes, I wish that is what I had told him.

Sexually, they are very different, though. Geoff is very gentle and loving and is very considerate with regards to putting my needs before his own. That's the way I want him to be. It reflects his personality. And he does have a sex drive that matches my own. I really enjoy our lovemaking. It's good, and I wouldn't want to change anything about him. He is always demonstrative. He loves to hold hands and kiss and cuddle up on the sofa, not just with me, but with my son as well. He is a very loving person.

Ewan is the opposite. Sexually, he is confident and very forceful and domineering towards me. He has an electric touch. Sex with him is very exciting. There is nothing that we haven't tried. He is very well-endowed and has amazing self control. He makes me have orgasms in a way that my bf cannot, and will never be able to. We very rarely go out.

 

[Aurelie26]

How old are you and Geoff?

Is it possible that with in the past year that Geoff's feeling have grown for you and your son, a deep love and affection, which is why he shed the other girls? Could that have been a grand gesture to show commitment, love, direction for the future?

Who looks after your son when you go on these dates?

I don't think I'd try lying, saying it's just different, especially when you don't feel that way. You like give it away.

If being poly is a life-identifying thing for you, this is one of the truths that has to be acknowledged. And it maybe painful to hear, but the truth is the truth. Not everyone is playing pro football, hockey, soccer. At least he can decide how he wants to respond or react to such knowledge, which could be the reason for the question in the first place.

I'm 26 and Geoff is 28.

I think that our love for each other has grown a lot over the last year. I know how much he loves me. He is very affectionate. I also know how much I love him. To see my son with him, and to watch their own relationship develop over the last year has meant so much to me. My son regards him as his father and calls him dad. They are very, very close.

Geoff is very easy to be with. He is so nice, but also great fun. He is also very generous, both with the time he gives, and also the way he cares for us. My son and I can have things that we never could before. He has made me happier than I've ever been. I love him so much.

Some people say you can't love two people at the same time. I know they are wrong, because I do. The love I feel for Ewan is different though. I love him in spite of myself. I can't even say that I like him that much. I don't. I can tell you why I love Geoff, but I can't do the same with regards to Ewan. I just know I do. The truth is, other than the sex, we don't have much going for us, and yet, there is something there, but neither one of us can explain it.

I have talked to Geoff about why he has stopped seeing other girls. He simply says that he doesn't enjoy it. He says that he has never really enjoyed sex outside of a relationship. He says that he has tried, but just doesn't think it will ever be for him. He says that he just wants to be with me.

I meet Ewan two nights a week. I live with Geoff, so he looks after my son when I'm on these dates. When I come home, it's late, so they are both in bed together. I do feel bad when I see them cuddled up. But sometimes I think that's what Geoff wants, as my son never sleeps in our bed at any other time.

Yes, I do think poly is a life-identifying thing for me. I have never been so happy. I want things to stay exactly as they are. I really don't want to hurt Geoff, but realise that I may have to tell the truth and do just that if I'm to get what I want.

 

[Aurelie26]

You live with Geoff and he's acting as Dad for your little boy?

It sounds like you thought you had almost the perfect situation for a while there. As long as Geoff was dating others too, and not feeling jealous, everything was wonderful.

Now, though, you have to figure out what you need, what you really want, and what you can live without, because I foresee this getting thornier before it gets better. Seriously. Figure out what you need. Not, what Geoff needs, because that's his job to figure out. Figure out what you need and ask for it.

This may mean you have to ditch the idea of being a nice good girl. If you don't know what I mean by this, it may not make sense yet. In our society, women are often brought up to defer to everyone else's wishes/desires/wants before even considering what they themselves might need. You have the right to run your life. You will be happier if you admit that there are things that you need to have to make you happy. You are an adult, and you can ask for these things. You may not get them from the people that you ask. Determine whether you can live with that, or if you need to move on.


That paragraph? Written from the perspective of a recovering nice good girl. That's me. It took me ages to realize that I did not have to put everyone else's feelings above mine.

I'm not advocating being rude, here, but, this jealousy problem Geoff has? His problem. You are not causing it. There are lots of people who could handle the situation you describe just fine without getting insecure about the sex. His problem. You can do what you can to reassure him, but, whether or not you are successful is not in your control. This is his head, and he let's in the reassurances he wants...or not. You can point him at things to read to help him. Whether he reads or understands is not in your control. You can't do it. He is the only one who can.

Boundaries are fine and wonderful things, and you aren't being mean if you stand up for yourself. If he asks how he compares in bed, you don't have to tell him anything. That's between your Lover and yourself. If he presses, you can tell him that you don't talk to your Lover about him, so you aren't going to talk to him about your Lover.

[dead links removed by mod]

The "when you're home alone" one is for Geoff.

Yes, I live with my boyfriend, and he has become my beautiful boy's dad.

You're right, I did have the perfect situation for a while, and I'm hoping that I will be able to again.

You say that I have to figure out what I need, what I really want, and what I can live without, because you foresee this getting thornier before it gets better.

What can I live without? I know I cannot live without Geoff. He comes first.

What do I really want? I want things to be as they were.

What do I need? I think that I need them both, but if it was a choice between the two, then I need Geoff so much more.

I also think things will get thornier before they get better. I have to tell Geoff what I want. I will not give up what I have easily. I think he deserves to know the truth about why I want it.

Thanks for the links. They were very interesting. The one for Geoff pretty much describes what he does when I'm not there. My son and Geoff always find silly childish things to do together, or sometimes they go out together. He's a great dad.

 

[Aurelie26]

Jericka, you are a woman after my own heart. I love your advice. A "recovering nice good girl." What a gem.

Aurelie, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your bf not to ask you these questions. If I were you, I would say, "You know, I really don't appreciate your questions. And I've noticed your moodiness every time I go out. This is the way it is. Ewan is a part of my life, and I told you from the beginning that you have to accept that to be in relationship with me. I never asked you to stop seeing other people. If you're looking for some changes in our relationship, you need to start discussing it with me like a grown-up, stop sulking, and questioning me about Ewan!"

Haha. He does sulk. And you're right, we have to discuss this and have it out proper, sooner rather than later. I just need to work out how I go about it.

 

[Anneintherain]

I'd really suggest finding a babysitter at least one of those nights each week. When your partner is stuck sitting at home on the nights you are on dates, then there can be too much free time to be dwelling on it. That's why so many people suggest when your partner is on dates, that you go do a hobby, go out with friends, do something for yourself to help keep your mind off of it, if you're having jealousy or envy.

It's really great that he's willing to stay at home and babysit, but it really isn't fair for him to have to do it every single time, even if he is okay with it. I imagine he might worry he would sound like he was whining or complaining or trying to suggest you break up with your lover if he had the nerve to tell you that he didn't want to be at home and asked you to find other childcare sometimes.

I also think the way you tell him you don't want to discuss/compare them in bed... well, the phrasing is so long and awkward, that if somebody said that to me I would think they did prefer the other partner. I would suggest sitting him down and saying that it's different with each of them, nice with both of them. But you don't want to be discussing it because it's not his business, and that you wouldn't discuss how he was in bed with Ewan, because you respect both of their privacies. Then ask him not to bring it up again.

 

[dingedheart]

Did Geoff take care of your son during your weekend getaway?

Perhaps broach this by asking what his motivation is for wanting to know this. And what if his worst nightmare came true (if this is his nightmare)? Perhaps he should leave it alone. Don't ask questions you might not want to hear the answers to.

Geoff sounds more mono in thinking than you. He needs to know this is life-identifying thing for you, and something you can't or won't shut off for him, or anyone (at least with his dick size and staying power).

He might be making the mistake of viewing the relationship from how he feels. He doesn't get it. He hopes and wishes you felt exactly the same way, but sadly, you don't.

This mindset difference needs to be discussed so you're not wasting anymore time trying to change each other.

 

[redpepper]

I'm not a big fan of telling people to "deal with it." If I can offer ways to get to a place where they feel better or are on a path that works better, I will, because it shows a level of care that I like to show.

If I were in your situation, I would give few details, stick to my boundaries as best I could, and stay empathetic to his.

I would also do a tag search here for "jealousy" and read up on how he might deal with it. Maybe read it with him.

 

[Aurelie26]

I'd really suggest finding a babysitter at least one of those nights each week. When your partner is stuck sitting at home on the nights you are on dates, then there can be too much free time to be dwelling on it. That's why so many people suggest when your partner is on dates, that you go do a hobby, go out with friends, do something for yourself to help keep your mind off of it if you're having jealousy or envy.

It's really great that he is willing to stay at home and babysit, but it isn't fair for him to have to do it every single time, even if he is okay with it. I imagine he might worry he would sound like he was whining or complaining or trying to suggest you break up with your lover if he had the nerve to tell you that he didn't want to be at home, and asked you to find other childcare sometimes.

I also think the way you tell him you don't want to discuss/compare them in bed... well. the phrasing is so long and awkward that if somebody said that to me I would think they did prefer the other partner. I really would sit him down and say that it's different with each of them, nice with both of you, but you don't want to be discussing it because it's not his business, and that you wouldn't discuss how he was in bed with Ewan, because you respect both of their privacies, and ask him not to bring it up again.

Well, we don't have any trouble getting a sitter for Max. Geoff does go out with his friends sometimes when I'm with Ewan. Last night, in fact, he went out to watch football. He really does enjoy spending time with Max. You may be right though, and it's something I will talk to him about.

The way I tell him I don't want to discuss/compare them in bed sounds awkward because I feel awkward. What do you say to someone when they ask if your lover has a bigger dick? I can't tell him the truth, that it's twice the size of his.

He's too nice for me to tell him it's not his business.

I fumble over my words and I think that makes it worse. I don't know, my head is in such a mess about this now.

 

[Aurelie26]

Did Geoff take care of your son during your weekend get away?

Perhaps broach this by asking what his motivation is for wanting to know this. And what if his worst nightmare came true (if this is his nightmare)? Perhaps he should leave it alone. Don't ask questions you might not want to hear the answers to.

But he sounds more mono in thinking and he needs to know this is life identifying thing and something you can't or wont shut off for him or anyone (at least with his dick size and staying power).

He might be making the mistake of viewing the relationship from how he feels, and he doesn't get it. He hopes and wishes you felt exactly the same way, but sadly, you don't.

This mindset difference needs to be discussed so you each don't waste anymore time trying to change each other.

Yes. Geoff looked after my son when I was away.

I'm going to talk to him about this all soon, as it's really starting to bother both him and me. Maybe he needs to hear the truth. I don't know.

He was sulky and moody again yesterday at dinner before I went out, to the point where both his mother and Max noticed.

 

[Aurelie26]

I'm not a big fan of telling people to "deal with it." If I can offer ways to get to a place where they feel better or are on a path that works better, I will, because it shows my level of care.

If I were in your situation, I would give few details, stick to my boundaries as best I could, and stay empathetic to his. I would also do a tag search here for "jealousy" and read up on how he might deal with it. Maybe read it with him.

Yes, I agree. Even though Geoff knew about my relationship with Ewan before we became a couple, lots has happened since then. He has shown me and Max so much kindness, and there is no way I could ever tell him to just deal with it. I love him and also care about him and want to make this as easy as possible.

Few details, yes, that might be the way.

 

[Aurelie26]

Thanks for your kind advice everyone.

 

[Anneintherain]

The way I tell him I don't want to discuss/compare them in bed sounds awkward because I feel awkward. What do you say to someone when they ask if your lover has a bigger dick? I can't tell him the truth, that it's twice the size of his. He's too nice to tell him it's not his business. I fumble over my words and I think that makes it worse.

You know what I would say if I couldn't be assertive and say, "I don't think it's your business, and I don't think of you in terms of penises, as you are just both lovely people who I enjoy spending time with" in a healthy way, and I thought I'd already made my initial partner feel he was inferior by my hedging, but I felt compelled to be honest and respond to his query?

I'd say "His penis is bigger or thicker than yours (choose one if it is both), but penis size doesn't mean he's a better lover. You have/do X in bed that I find more satisfying." Then I'd say, "It makes me really uncomfortable discussing this," and that I didn't want to bring it up again.

I think that there is no reason that partners shouldn't feel like they are on an even playing field. And it doesn't matter how much one partner is better at an activity than another, unless Partner A loves said activity and Partner B hates said activity, playing favorites or ranking partners is a losing battle.

 

[IndieSolo]

The way I tell him I don't want to discuss/compare them in bed sounds awkward because I feel awkward. What do you say to someone when they ask if your lover has a bigger dick? I can't tell him the truth, that it's twice the size of his, and he's to nice to tell him it's not his business. I fumble over my words and I think that makes it worse.

Well, if you're feeling awkward to answer that, you don't have to hide feeling awkward. We always think we have to project some kind of image that we're totally together. But there is nothing wrong with letting him know his question flusters or upsets you.

I would say this: "Why are you asking me that? I don't like questions like that. It upsets me and I don't know how to answer you. You are both different. I enjoy sex with both of you in different ways. It's not about penis size; it's about the person I'm with. I'm not that shallow, so I wish you would stop asking me these kinds of questions. Now, what is this about? Why have you started to focus so much on what I do with Ewan and what he's like? Don't you know how much I love and care about you?"

Also, I thought of something else I wanted to suggest to you. Whenever someone seems to be okay with a situation, and then suddenly starts asking questions and getting bent out of shape about it, oftentimes it's because they've been talking to people who judge the situation and poison them with negativity. It's possible that Geoff might have been influenced by a friend or acquaintance who made comments about things like that. You know, some guys will say, "She gets it somewhere else because you're not enough of a man for her," and shit like that.

So, I would also ask him if someone has been feeding him that kind of bullshit. And then tell him that those people have no right to make comments like that, because they don't know you or the situation, so he shouldn't even listen to them.