My boyfriend just broke up with his girlfriend of nine years

C

claire2

New member
Hi all,

I mostly lurk here, maybe have posted once or twice. I like this forum very much.
I am and have been very happy in my relationship with my boyfriend of the last three years. I live a couple hours away, and see him regularly--staying with him a couple weekends every month.

He has had another girlfriend the entire time, who was living with him. They had been together for nine years. We got along just fine, and I had very minimal jealousy or possessiveness, even though I'm not poly and had never even considered being in a poly relationship up to the point I met him.

About a week ago, they broke up and she moved out. It's been extremely hard on him. He is hurt and upset about the breakup, of course!

And so now, of all times, I'm jealous of her and insecure! What's that all about?

I am trying to be as supportive as I can, and not be critical of her or their relationship. It was their relationship, after all.

Have any of you been through this? What did you feel? How did you handle it?

Thanks in advance for your insight and experiences.
 
Re:
"And so now, of all times, I'm jealous of her and insecure! What's that all about?"
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Perhaps your boyfriend's grief over the breakup is a sign to you of how much he loved her ... Could that be what's making you jealous?

Sorry that breakup happened. Even if it's for the best, it still sucks. :(
 
Clair2, can you elaborate on exactly what you're insecure about?
 
The break up seems to have "ripple effect" here.

I think it's ok and a natural response if you feel a bit insecure. What you came to rely on as "the stable situation" no longer is. It will take time to deal with mourning BF and things being different. If you haven't seen BF through grief before, that's a new thing too.

Perhaps seeing the depth of his grief is a surprise too -- maybe the jealousy comes from seeing that.

I am trying to be as supportive as I can, and not be critical of her or their relationship. It was their relationship, after all.
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I think you are doing the right things there.

If you get full of listening, it's ok to say you are full. Point him toward other listeners too -- then he has more support. Do other jobs you can do instead -- like make a meal, or vac the floor. Simple stuff. Here's more ideas.

Remember to comfort in and kvetch out. Line up YOUR support separately.

This JUST happened. It takes time. But later on if he's still having trouble and doesn't seem like he's healing, you could gently suggest counseling to help him.

Galagirl
 
AJM said:
Clair2, can you elaborate on exactly what you're insecure about?
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Hi. I guess I'm insecure on how much he loves me, compared to how much he loves her. I've never worried or thought about it before. It's weird and my feelings make no sense to me, and logically I know he loves me very much.
 
My partner recently broke up with his girlfriend of four years. I posed about it here and got some good advice.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re:


Perhaps your boyfriend's grief over the breakup is a sign to you of how much he loved her ... Could that be what's making you jealous?

Sorry that breakup happened. Even if it's for the best, it still sucks. :(
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Thank you for the response, and I believe you nailed it. Now for me to work through it.
 
GalaGirl:

Thank you for your response!
Yes, the depth of his feelings are somewhat of a shock to me. There's knowing and there's knowing.

It seems the only constant in life is change.

Thanks for the wonderful insight, advice and tips.

He just texted me and told me that could not survive without me. <3
 
claire2 said:
He just texted me and told me that could not survive without me. <3
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Awww, there ya go!

Don't worry, he will eventually get past the grieving stage and things will normalize again. But for now, it's only natural that his thoughts will be on her, why and how they broke up, what they had together, etc., for a while. Be thankful he does feel so deeply - I'd be more worried if he was unruffled by it!
 
jayblue122 said:
My partner recently broke up with his girlfriend of four years. I posed about it here and got some good advice.
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Your situation is a lot like mine!
Reading about how you felt is helpful with me processing my feelings.

I understand very well about you feeling that your boyfriend was not being fully with you, even when he was with you, due to his grief.

My boyfriend told me the other day that when I come down to visit the next time, he'll give me his full attention, and that I deserve it. But, you know, I don't think he's ready to do that yet. And that's okay. Just him saying it and acknowledging my feelings in the midst of all of this is okay with me.

I'm assuming you are still with your boyfriend and things are going okay?
 
Yeah we are still together, and doing better. A while ago he met up with his ex and they talked and that helped him process the break up (They are still friendly). That seemed to help him a lot.
 
I spent a lot of time thinking about this the last night and day, and I'm glad to have some clarity now.

The thoughts, perspectives and advice here have been great.

Everything is going to be okay. Here's what he posted on Facebook today:

For those of you who (really) know me, the reason that my relationship status has been set to "It's Complicated" is obvious. With [girlfriend] leaving, i was tempted to change it, but due to the sheer number of miles between [claire2] and myself, i am leaving it as complicated. I would like to say publicly to [claire2], that i love her and thank her for her unwavering support. Helping someone that you love as they morn the loss of a ten year (almost) relationship can't be fun or easy but she has managed to do it with a loving grace and style that i have come to know as her. Thank you [claire2].
 
claire2 said:
Everything is going to be okay. Here's what he posted on Facebook today:

For those of you who (really) know me, the reason that my relationship status has been set to "It's Complicated" is obvious. With [girlfriend] leaving, i was tempted to change it, but due to the sheer number of miles between [claire2] and myself, i am leaving it as complicated. I would like to say publicly to [claire2], that i love her and thank her for her unwavering support. Helping someone that you love as they morn the loss of a ten year (almost) relationship can't be fun or easy but she has managed to do it with a loving grace and style that i have come to know as her. Thank you [claire2].
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This is a poly success story. :)
 
claire2 said:
Hi. I guess I'm insecure on how much he loves me, compared to how much he loves her. I've never worried or thought about it before. It's weird and my feelings make no sense to me, and logically I know he loves me very much.
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Don't fall into that trap. The love between you and your BF won't be the same as the love between him and anyone else or you and anyone else. Trying to compare it isn't fair to anyone.

Instead, focus on what you share and nurturing it. He's losing someone that has been in his life a long time. That can't be easy and most likely could be draining your connection. Stick with it.
 
AJM said:
Don't fall into that trap. The love between you and your BF won't be the same as the love between him and anyone else or you and anyone else. Trying to compare it isn't fair to anyone.

Instead, focus on what you share and nurturing it. He's losing someone that has been in his life a long time. That can't be easy and most likely could be draining your connection. Stick with it.
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I hope that you read all of the posts in this thread. This is exactly what the OP seems to understand.
 
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