Dagferi
Well-known member
This...
I would run from any man who said to me my girlfriend picked you for me.
I do not want any person having any say in my relationships other than those directly involved.
What are you his madam/pimp?
My boyfriend wants a relationship with other women
- Thread starter catwright1992
- Start date
This...
I would run from any man who said to me my girlfriend picked you for me.
I do not want any person having any say in my relationships other than those directly involved.
What are you his madam/pimp?
catwright1992
New member
Well it ain't you is it!
How would you react if someone approached you as a potential girlfriend candidate for their boyfriend, rather than being approached by the boyfriend himself?
It would make me queasy, at a minimum; I have an aversion to being approached in anything resembling a "messenger" situation. Tell me yourself, or not at all -- communications get garbled when sent through a second party.
If your intent is to make it clear that you are comfortable with the other person, well, you can surely do that after he's found one and then you meet. (Of course, you would actually have to be comfortable with that person, not just pretending to be to make the boyfriend happy).
If you want to do the selecting to be in control of the relationship, both the one you have with the BF, and the one he'll have with the GF, well, most thinking people would flee once they caught wind of the situation. This I think might also reference back to "couple privilege" and "unicorn hunting".
But, again... how would you feel in this situation? I think if you're uncomfortable with your boyfriend developing relationships you don't have a hand in, then you're probably not ready/willing for this to go beyond a pleasant fantasy.
alibabe_muse
Member
OP - do you really want advice?
OP - do you really want advice from us here? It just seems every post that has advised you about your potential situation gets ignored and you post flippant responses back. That makes it hard for most of us to want to answer your questions since the questions have been answered and the advice given has come from real life experiences.
There are plenty of mono/poly couples who post here. You should do searches so you can read, digest and look within to see if the "sexual fantasy" becoming a "reality" is for you or not. Read this post in the "life stories & blog" section I've Created a Monster as it sounds exactly the same as what you are contemplating.
Good luck!
OP - do you really want advice from us here? It just seems every post that has advised you about your potential situation gets ignored and you post flippant responses back. That makes it hard for most of us to want to answer your questions since the questions have been answered and the advice given has come from real life experiences.
There are plenty of mono/poly couples who post here. You should do searches so you can read, digest and look within to see if the "sexual fantasy" becoming a "reality" is for you or not. Read this post in the "life stories & blog" section I've Created a Monster as it sounds exactly the same as what you are contemplating.
Good luck!
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If you go there, that is part of the price of admission. It is one of the risks. It could also turn out fine. But you cannot know ahead of time.
There is nothing new under the sun. New to you perhaps, but not under the sun.
This could happen now. Even in a monoship. He could fall out of love and leave the relationship. You have accepted that risk in dating him. What's happened so far? You guys are still together.
Focus more on what you want rather than what you do not want. It's adding to your stress! It's ok to worry some and be realistic about what it means to change. But could not crank yourself up to super stressy places "what iffing" doomy things. Slow it DOWN. Take it in baby steps.
See if you even want to go there first.
If yes? Then go there and try it on in "real life" to see if reality actually is doable/enjoyable like you think it might be.
If yes, and you want to stick with building this polyship deeper? THEN worry about "coming out" issues and "incorporating your friend/family circles" to what degree with the people in your polyship.
It's just not possible to do it all at once even if you wanted to. One step at a time. There's no fire.
Here is my suggested approach:
Before actually going there, you both could spend some time reflecting on the pros/cons of going there and gauge each of your own comfort level in changing fantasy to reality.
Could spend some time talking about jealousy with BF first and how to handle it should it come up.
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html
How to handle poly hell should it come to pass:
Also could spend some time together reviewing these:
Explore websites, read books. Figure out what open models appeal the most.
If/when you both think you are ready to go there in preparation and skills as well as desire?
Rather than pick his potential dating partner for him, you could both define the acceptable "pool" of people at the start to ease into instead. Talk about how to handle it if you decide you also want to date too.
After a few dates? Even if they don't hit it off it can still be "partial success" -- because you can still be growing trust and confidence in his skills as a dater while maintaining his rship with you. You come to find your needs are NOT being thrown to the winds. He is NOT less attentive to you. He demonstrates that he CAN swim fine in a dating pool. He's NOT been caught up in a current of "NRE whee!" and going wacky on you.
You both have prepared to avoid pitfalls where possible and deal with problems or mistakes along the way. Expect bumps -- but don't make them mountains.
Now that you both have that experience? Boundaries could update for the next chunk of time. Go try swimming in the deep end, the ocean, etc. now that "I don't have to worry you will drown, or drown me!" is no longer on the table like a big neon sign.
Could spend some time talking about jealousy with BF first and how to handle it should it come up.
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html
How to handle poly hell should it come to pass:
Also could spend some time together reviewing these:
Explore websites, read books. Figure out what open models appeal the most.
If/when you both think you are ready to go there in preparation and skills as well as desire?
Rather than pick his potential dating partner for him, you could both define the acceptable "pool" of people at the start to ease into instead. Talk about how to handle it if you decide you also want to date too.
- List the messy types -- do not date my mother, my sister, my boss, etc. (Articulated or not, people always have an idea of "the messy people." Get it out there and articulated clearly.)
- List the types that are ok to you -- close in age, close in lifestyle, whatever it is for you that are not AS threatening or AS scary for the first few dates. There is no such thing as zero scary. Accept that it will feel weird until the "new normal" settles in. Part of the price of admission.
After a few dates? Even if they don't hit it off it can still be "partial success" -- because you can still be growing trust and confidence in his skills as a dater while maintaining his rship with you. You come to find your needs are NOT being thrown to the winds. He is NOT less attentive to you. He demonstrates that he CAN swim fine in a dating pool. He's NOT been caught up in a current of "NRE whee!" and going wacky on you.
You both have prepared to avoid pitfalls where possible and deal with problems or mistakes along the way. Expect bumps -- but don't make them mountains.
Now that you both have that experience? Boundaries could update for the next chunk of time. Go try swimming in the deep end, the ocean, etc. now that "I don't have to worry you will drown, or drown me!" is no longer on the table like a big neon sign.
Maybe something like that approach is something you both can live with to navigate the transition period from "closed" to "open?" Could tweak it to make it your own.
Could make it more bite size and think of it more like "this is a date" -- rather than "this is a GF." Because who knows if the date person even hits it off to grow into GF?
You could prepare to have several small "openings" and not go "full throttle" wide open. It's ok to dip some toes in the shallow end of the pool for a bit first and experience how it is, and then reassess if you are really going to be ok in this or not. You do not have to cannonball in there.
I don't know if those links or ideas help you, but it's one possible way you both could approach the problem.
HTH!
Galagirl
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Gah. Chutzpah.
We are poly people. We, the females at least, are your boyfriend's target market. We are ideal. We are the people who will date, fuck and maybe love your boyfriend without trying to fuck shit up between you. You come here looking for advice about having the relationship style that we actually live and then you won't accept it.
Nobody sensible will get involved with your boyfriend because of your input. Who wants a sexual and/or romantic partner who is unable to look for his own dates because his girlfriend doesn't really want him to be poly and is battling insecurity? Who would wait for you to okay them before they date someone else who just happens to be involved with you? Who? Let me tell you who. Either a cowgirl who can see how frightfully fragile your relationship is and uses that to her advantage or a poly Noob who will more than likely make a ton of mistakes and make this a lot harder than it needs to be before turning into a cowgirl.
So listen when people tell you that if you need this much input into his business, don't do it. You're not ready and maybe never will be ready. That's okay.
We are poly people. We, the females at least, are your boyfriend's target market. We are ideal. We are the people who will date, fuck and maybe love your boyfriend without trying to fuck shit up between you. You come here looking for advice about having the relationship style that we actually live and then you won't accept it.
Nobody sensible will get involved with your boyfriend because of your input. Who wants a sexual and/or romantic partner who is unable to look for his own dates because his girlfriend doesn't really want him to be poly and is battling insecurity? Who would wait for you to okay them before they date someone else who just happens to be involved with you? Who? Let me tell you who. Either a cowgirl who can see how frightfully fragile your relationship is and uses that to her advantage or a poly Noob who will more than likely make a ton of mistakes and make this a lot harder than it needs to be before turning into a cowgirl.
So listen when people tell you that if you need this much input into his business, don't do it. You're not ready and maybe never will be ready. That's okay.
IndieSolo
Active member
Cat, it is obvious you aren't ready. Choosing his girlfriend for him isn't going to help - it's actually a little creepy and will turn more women off than appeal to them, if you have no intention of being involved. And why do you think it would help? You keep sabotaging his efforts now, so that he can't get anything off the ground, so I highly doubt that you will approve of anyone - because you simply aren't as on board with the idea as you believe you are. You want to choose someone you would be comfortable with - but he's the one who would be in relationship with her, not you!
Some couples take many months or years of talking and addressing insecurities before ever actually doing anything like pursuing someone else. Slow down and face reality, talk about your fears, get more comfortable in your own skin, and stop trying to please him at your own expense.
Some couples take many months or years of talking and addressing insecurities before ever actually doing anything like pursuing someone else. Slow down and face reality, talk about your fears, get more comfortable in your own skin, and stop trying to please him at your own expense.
CosmoMcKinley
New member
And my boyfriend doesn't mind and we'd be looking together and choosing together. He wouldn't run from me cause of that
Before you even consider what might cause either you or your boyfriend to 'run,' spend a bit of time considering what the two of you are offering his potential girlfriend.
He may have no issue with you picking who he dates and controlling his relationship, but she most likely would. A breakup can be rough enough when it's just two people involved. Sure, in a mono relationship one person can always drop the other, but when a third party holds the kill switch for the relationship it's a whole other animal indeed.
Would you go on a road trip with a guy whose car was wired with a remote-detonated bomb, especially if the remote was held by his jealous wife? I hope not, but that's essentially what you're asking his potential girlfriend to do.
The bigger issue is that if you have to have that much absolute control over your partner's life and choices, poly probably isn't a good fit for you.