I know it's none of my business in other partner's relationships, but we've gotten to a point where I feel like I should have intervened by now.
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, three in a polyamorous relationship. During that time, several people have come and gone in his life and there has never been anything that has irritated me. I even hung out with those people and we had friendly relationships.
I've sometimes had a problem with him starting with girls who weren't completely mentally stable and him pulling them out of their problems. After they disappeared from our lives, they ended up in a monogamous relationship. I knew even then that what my partner was doing wasn't quite right. But I got over it.
However, now there's a girl in his life that I can't get over. I feel like I'm losing respect for my partner because of this, and I've even thought about leaving the relationship because it reminds me too much of my own traumas. (I'm working on them.)
He and this girl have known each other for a long time. He has long been her emotional support when she hasn't felt comfortable about her relationship. One day, my boyfriend told me that he would like try it with her sometime, in case her relationship doesn't work out. Around that time, she started talking about the fact that she was also polyamorous and that she would like to give it a try.
I was still okay with it at the time. But then came the turning point. She started asking mutual friends about my relationship with my boyfriend, if it was okay between us, if it looked like we were going to break up, etc. We were dealing with a little drama at the time, so she got the impression that we were on the verge of breaking up.
She broke up with her partner to be with mine. They have been in a relationship for six months. She has taken the attitude that my boyfriend is her priority relationship. Even though there were other men in her life who lived closer, she never prioritized them. (I know this from a partner who talked to her about it and when she got the response that he couldn't give her what she was asking for from her primary partner, it gave her a three day breakdown.)
Along with all this, her hatred towards me is growing. She's constantly putting down our relationship. She can't even deal with the fact that we occasionally post a picture together.
I gather she's gotten herself into an unhealthy relationship. She spins in circles, where everything goes according to her plan, and then gets slapped when she finds out it doesn't and nothing has changed. It's not comfortable for me or her when there is someone who is just waiting to see if my relationship will last or not. It's even worse when it's a person who's in our polycule.
Our partners have always had a very good relationship with each other and our polyamory was also based on that. Once when it looked like my boyfriend and I were going to break up, they helped us work it out. But she just doesn't fit in and doesn't want to. She's under the illusion that she's the one.
It affects me even more because I was in a similar position and it's completely destroyed my mental health. I've felt the need to spare people from this ever since. I don't think she or he are bad people. I still like her in my own way and I understand her.
I've kept my mouth shut until now, but with the way things have been going lately and the more I see myself in it, I feel like I can't be quiet anymore. It has an extremely negative impact on all our relationships. But my boyfriend still believes it can work and he's unhappy about the situation.
What would you do if you were me?
Thank you for any advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, three in a polyamorous relationship. During that time, several people have come and gone in his life and there has never been anything that has irritated me. I even hung out with those people and we had friendly relationships.
I've sometimes had a problem with him starting with girls who weren't completely mentally stable and him pulling them out of their problems. After they disappeared from our lives, they ended up in a monogamous relationship. I knew even then that what my partner was doing wasn't quite right. But I got over it.
However, now there's a girl in his life that I can't get over. I feel like I'm losing respect for my partner because of this, and I've even thought about leaving the relationship because it reminds me too much of my own traumas. (I'm working on them.)
He and this girl have known each other for a long time. He has long been her emotional support when she hasn't felt comfortable about her relationship. One day, my boyfriend told me that he would like try it with her sometime, in case her relationship doesn't work out. Around that time, she started talking about the fact that she was also polyamorous and that she would like to give it a try.
I was still okay with it at the time. But then came the turning point. She started asking mutual friends about my relationship with my boyfriend, if it was okay between us, if it looked like we were going to break up, etc. We were dealing with a little drama at the time, so she got the impression that we were on the verge of breaking up.
She broke up with her partner to be with mine. They have been in a relationship for six months. She has taken the attitude that my boyfriend is her priority relationship. Even though there were other men in her life who lived closer, she never prioritized them. (I know this from a partner who talked to her about it and when she got the response that he couldn't give her what she was asking for from her primary partner, it gave her a three day breakdown.)
Along with all this, her hatred towards me is growing. She's constantly putting down our relationship. She can't even deal with the fact that we occasionally post a picture together.
I gather she's gotten herself into an unhealthy relationship. She spins in circles, where everything goes according to her plan, and then gets slapped when she finds out it doesn't and nothing has changed. It's not comfortable for me or her when there is someone who is just waiting to see if my relationship will last or not. It's even worse when it's a person who's in our polycule.
Our partners have always had a very good relationship with each other and our polyamory was also based on that. Once when it looked like my boyfriend and I were going to break up, they helped us work it out. But she just doesn't fit in and doesn't want to. She's under the illusion that she's the one.
It affects me even more because I was in a similar position and it's completely destroyed my mental health. I've felt the need to spare people from this ever since. I don't think she or he are bad people. I still like her in my own way and I understand her.
I've kept my mouth shut until now, but with the way things have been going lately and the more I see myself in it, I feel like I can't be quiet anymore. It has an extremely negative impact on all our relationships. But my boyfriend still believes it can work and he's unhappy about the situation.
What would you do if you were me?
Thank you for any advice.
