My deep-rooted problems

G

GSAS082612

New member
Glenn has thankfully decided to stay. It was a big decision for him to stay, and a big decision for Sam and me to want him to remain. We love him and are grateful he made this decision. That isn't a problem. It seems for once our relationship isn't on the rocks and we are happy. I am happy.

But my dreams are haunting me. My nightmares shake me into an inevitable reality. It's been one year since my mistake with Derek, the day my unprotected sex caused me a pregnancy. It's been one year and I don't have my daughter. One year, and all I carry with me is misery and an empty feeling, not a three-month old baby that is either suckling or wailing. I don't have tired eyes or a diaper bag on my shoulder. I am not sleep deprived, complaining about my daughter being the cause of my lack of sleep, and my messy life.

There were numerous times that pregnancy scares landed me in the hospital.

My life isn't a hassle. I don't have any of what I didn't want in the beginning. In the end, before I lost my daughter, I wanted her.

Her little kicks and nudges. Her step-daddy would lay his head on my belly just to feel her kick his face. She loved me. I know she did. She loved him too.

Ultimately, Derek stayed because of the fact that she existed, his or not. He may have never loved anyone, but by god, did he love her. He called Scarlet his little nudger. He loved her, and he still does. A part of him still really loves her. Of all the girls in his life, he loved my daughter as his own. He loved her before she was even born. He loved my daughter, my precious little girl, and I loved him because he loved her.

I miss my little girl. I will always remember her. She isn't here, and I may have never met her or held her, or felt her breath, or heard a single cry, but I love her still. And I always will. She will always be a part of me.

My Dear Scarlet Chelsea,

I miss you, darling, and I always will. No matter where you are, I will always be your mother. I love you, angel.

Love,
Mommy <3
 
what is the purpose of this post? it should be moved to life stories & blogs. it has nothing to do with poly and doesn't ask any questions or advice.
 
To: BoringGuy

The purpose of this post, the part that my laptop didn't post was where I was asking if there was anyone who understood what this felt like. It is affecting my poly-fidelitous relationship.

I cannot be close with my girlfriend, because she is pregnant and is farther along in the pregnancy than I made it. It hasn't even been a year since I lost my daughter. It takes a toll on my mental state.

So, the purpose of the post is wondering if anyone has been in this situation, if they know if it gets easier or harder to deal with. And if anyone has ever dealt with the loss of a child. I was just needing advice on how to further the healing process, and still keep my relationship with my girlfriend intact.
 
GSA, I feel your pain. I have had miscarriages, with my husband (11 years ago), and with my boyfriend (almost 2 years ago). My pregnancy with my boyfriend was not an accident, but it was unexpected, a hoped-for but tiny possibility.

I still have waves of sadness and pain from these losses. Whenever one of our friends or family members becomes pregnant, it brings back all of these feelings. Then, in addition to my sadness, I get to suffer the guilt of resenting the fact that they can have babies and I can't.

I can only imagine how much harder it is when the pregnant woman is someone you are close to and see all of the time. (I imagine you feel like you should be sharing all of her little joys and excitement, but that your sadness at your loss is holding you back, and you feel guilty for this. I would. But you are not me.)

Do you have other children? I don't, which adds, I think, to some of my specific feelings.

I think it does get easier, in some ways, over time. But the loss is always there. I'm sorry I don't have any magic to make it better for you.

JaneQ
 
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I can't offer personal experience, only support and #hugs#.

BoringGuy said:
what is the purpose of this post? it should be moved to life stories & blogs. it has nothing to do with poly and doesn't ask any questions or advice.
Click to expand...

Could you possibly be more callous? That's a rhetorical question, not a challenge. Sometimes, knowing when to keep your mouth shut is the best skill a person can learn. You might want to try it.

How does it have nothing to do with poly? Second and third sentences clearly reference a poly relationship. Where in the forum guidelines does it say that the Poly Relationships Corner is only for explicit questions or advice? I always interpret the life stories & blogs section as being for people who need to journal in public and aren't necessarily seeking any support. Putting it in this section makes it a request for support that is obvious to anyone with a half-ounce of compassion.

I'm not seeking, and will not acknowledge, any kind of response. I don't want to derail this thread. I just wanted to openly point out your rudeness.

GSA: I doubt that BG will apologize, but please believe that his behaviour is his and his alone. It does not reflect the attitudes and manners of the forum as a group.
 
JQS: I do not have any children. I wish I did. I truly do.

I was more okay with Sam's pregnancy when we were trying. But now, not so much, because now, with us not trying, there are no chances of me having my own baby. And because Glenn doesn't want to bring our children into it, it bothers me that Sam's and his are being brought into the world, despite his protest with me. So, again, it hurts. I'm just frustrated that she has one already, a little girl I love, but who is not my own.

It hurts to see how close Sam is to her daughter, and she will be like that with her son. It hurts to see her have what I want so desperately. Yes, I do feel guilty when I cannot do all the things an involved "spouse" should do when prepping for a child. I just do not have enough emotional security to be able to make the way through the pain. I'm trying to prep for the baby, whose arrival is a few weeks away, but it kills me to know that I don't have that, and won't until Glenn allows it.

SC: I wish it were easy to just close myself away from the pain, but I can't. It would make the pain go away because I'd be neglecting the truth of how much it all hurts. And it hurts me.
 
Why aren't you also a parent?

GSA,

Huge sympathies for your loss. I too had a miscarriage, though much earlier in the pregnancy. Until one actually lives through anything like that they really have no idea how awful it can feel. I would never presume to know how much harder it's been for you to lose her so much later in your pregnancy, so you have my deepest sympathies.

My situation is still quite new as poly, and yet it's also very committed. I essentially have two homes now, with children in both. All three of us have taken all the children into our hearts, whether biologically connected or not. We oversee their games, play, activities. To us they are all our children. We share in their joys and hardships.

By reading your signature line, it seems you all live together. Why is Samantha not sharing everything with you like a spouse? Why aren't you being considered a parent to the child?

Of course, everyone's poly life is different. Everyone finds their own way. Everyone's way is unique to them. If it's at all possible, I would wish for you that even if you don't wind up having any children biologically of your own (fortunately, you have a lot of years for that option) that the children whom you already love in your heart will know you as one more special person in their life to love them and that that may help you heal.

I am very sorry for your pain. Hopefully sharing helps a tiny bit, and that many of us are now sending you love. Barring a 'magic pill' for the pain, I hope that you feel loved and supported.
 
Rereading your last post, now understanding that perhaps you've been encouraged to be a "full" parent to the other children, but are finding it too painful, with the probability/possibility of never having your own biological child to add? It's obviously very painful.

I wish I could offer a way to help through the pain. I hope the joy of a child, now really also your child as well, will keep your love for Scarlet close. I fancy Scarlet loves that you can/will share that same sort of love with the other children of your heart.

Please forgive the possible first misinterpretation. My best wishes of health & happiness to you and your family.
 
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