My ex-boyfriend dates my boyfriend. Please help!

[Deleted member 410693]

Hi everyone!

I'm male gay. two years ago, I got into a polyamorous relationship. this was new to me, even though my guys had already practiced it before me. they dated for a long time before I came into their lives.

we lived in love for 1.5 years, until one of them (guy A) decided to break up with me. only with me, while keeping a relationship with another guy (guy B).

right now, I have a difficult situation that I can't handle. guy B is dating both me and guy A, guy A is Dating guy B, I'm dating guy B and I still love guy A, who doesn't even want to talk to me.

what should I do? it hurts me to love him, because he doesn't want to even talk to me. he doesn't want to be friends either. I can't pretend that he's not in my life anymore, because we have mutual friends and most importantly, the same boyfriend (guy B). every time my boyfriend B meets guy A, I feel bad because he's Dating someone who's hurt me, and I still love guy A. the worst part is that I feel envious because I don't have this relationship anymore, but they do.

any tips?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello mintgoodbye,

You can always try to not be so jealous, here's some links that may help:

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

But your real problem is that Guy A has broken up with you, and you desperately want him to take you back. To get him to take you back, we must first figure out why he broke up with you in the first place. Did he tell you why he was breaking up with you? He must have been pretty upset about something if he no longer wants to be your friend, and doesn't even want to talk to you. I wonder if there's any way you could make amends for whatever you did that hurt him? You need him to take you back, that's the point I'm trying to make here.

If you could add a little more to your description of your situation, I may be able to give better advice. I hope you can get feeling better!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Could you please be willing to give more info? Was the break up recent? How did the break up come about? How did A hurt you?

Have you both done 30 days no contact at minimum already?

If this is a recent happening, you may still be grieving and so might A.

So expecting being friends, or talking or whatever... it might be too soon and not realistic at this time.

Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

Are the three of you still living together?

It is actually more common than you might think in polyamory that a triad (three people all dating each other) experiences a breakup between one set of two partners, but the other partnerships continue. In a triad, A and B and C are all dating each other. But really it's made up of individual relationships: A + B, A + C, and B + C.

In your case, you are C. You say that A has broken up with you, but you are still in a relationship with B. And B and A are still in a relationship with each other (they were a couple before you met them, yes?)

So your relationship configuration has changed from a triad to a Vee. In a Vee, one person (the hinge) is dating two people (the arms of the Vee). So, B is the hinge and is dating A and you.

This is painful and awkward for you because A is your ex. Of course that's painful! You are still dealing with hurt and heartbreak and feelings for A. And now A is not just your ex, but also is your partner's other partner. You can't distance yourself from A as you would in a normal breakup, because he's your boyfriend's partner (and maybe you all live together). Yipes!

This DOES happen in triads sometimes. And some people DO get over their hurt and adjust to the new relationship configuration. Maybe you are compatible with B but not with A. That's okay.

 

[Tinwen]

I suggest you do as much "parallel" poly as possible, where you don't meet your (now) metamour or listen to too much info. If the breakup is recent, it's worth going no-contact for a few weeks, and you could even ask B* if he's be willing to not talk about A in that period of time (although it would be a very unfair request to make longterm).
If the situation continues to hurt you, it's of course perfectly acceptable (though hard) to break up with B too and move on

*Please give the guys propper nicknames as forum guidelines ask