My extremely busy boyfriend is thinking of pursuing another woman?

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polyconflicted

New member
My boyfriend is working so many hours lately that I don't see him enough as it is. He knows that I want to see him more often and he claims that he wants to see me more often as well, he's just extremely busy with work. We only see each other for one date and sleepover a week. Only on weekends since he says he's too tired on worknights. I also feel that he could easily see me a little more often if he made the effort. But I actually suspect that he's seeing me this many times per week out of habit. And work is just an excuse.

We attended a social gathering together at a bar and I showed up much later than him. We had a nice dinner. And as everyone was leaving, he went out of his way to say goodbye to a woman we both know. He hasn't seen her that much since he stopped coming to most of the weekly social events. He kept his hand on the small of her back very tenderly while saying a long goodbye and then he gave her a very long hug. He was all smiles and very happy and she seemed to reciprocate everything.

Now I'm worried about another relationship taking up what little time he has. He admitted being interested in her 6 months ago. He said that when he found out how young she is, he was disappointed. He got so busy with work that he's hasn't been to these social events in months. She goes to this social event every week (several acquaintances meet up every Thur). He hasn't seen her in a long while. He told me he's going to start coming to these events more often. My work schedule has been conflicting with them lately, so I think he's going to start going to see her. He even said later, "We had a really nice conversation." (Before I showed up). I asked if he's still interested in her. He said, "She's incredibly adorable and so sweet and funny I'm just concerned about the age difference. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do"

I'm positive that if he's going to spend more time with her,he'll overlook her age. They might date and I'll hardly see him. I have already talked to him too many times about trying to see me more often so it's a touchy subject right now. I want to express my concerns but I don't want to cause resentment. My question is, if he barely has time to see me, why would he even consider pursuing another relationship at this time? He knows I'm not happy with the little amount of time that we're spending. What makes him think he would have time for both of us? If he does want to pursue her, doesn't that speak for how he prioritizes me? I'm worried about what this says about his commitment towards me.
 
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I think you're jumping way too far ahead of the reality of this situation.

He has expressed interest in her in the past, but has also said the age difference is somewhat of a deal-breaker for him. She attends a weekly social event he's attended in the past, but wasn't able to attend for a while, and now, having seen her, he says he might start going to the event again more often.

While, according to your post, he's acknowledged that he likes this woman and that he wants to see her more often, I don't see anything at all to indicate that he's "pursuing" her or even considering it. It looks to me like he just wants to hang out with someone he enjoys hanging out with. Friends, you know?

You're catastrophizing about him not having time for you when he's involved with another woman, while he has stated he doesn't *know* whether he would have a relationship with her and that the age difference is a potential deal-breaker. You're stressing about a future that might not even exist.

Try to put aside those worries unless or until he actually says "You know what, I've decided I want to date her, so I'm going to see what she thinks." And even IF that happened, his interest in her isn't a guarantee that she would want to date him, so even if he did take the step of "pursuing" her, he might be unsuccessful. In which case you would have spent all this time worrying for nothing.

Don't create problems that don't exist. Back up a few steps and wait and see what happens.
 
polyconflicted said:
Only on weekends since he says he's too tired on worknights. I also feel that he could easily see me a little more often if he made the effort. But I actually suspect that he's seeing me this many times per week out of habit. And work is just an excuse.
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That sounds like your real issue. You want more time with him. It doesn't seem like he wants more time with you... or at least that is your fear. You are facing some insecurities with seeming not important to him which is a hard time to deal with him seeing someone new.

You guys need to talk a lot more. You are guessing at what he wants and you don't trust him when he tells you what he wants.

If you are scared of losing time with him if he starts dating someone new, tell him. Talk to him practically about what that would look like (with this woman or with someone else) and tell him what you would like in the face of his other connections. It's okay to say "We don't see each other as much as I would like and it would be really hard for me if you dating someone else started taking up the amount of time I already find lacking".

Do you have other partners? Does he? Is this the first time he's been interested in someone while you have been together? What would you like this relationship to look like? Do you want to be more entangled with him? What does he want the relationship to look like?
 
Hi polyconflicted,

It sounds like your boyfriend is caught up in NRE towards that younger woman. He may be thinking a bit irrationally. Plus NRE can be energizing, so maybe he's not as tired as he'd normally be.

He's probably not deprioritizing you on purpose, but he should handle that NRE a little better. Such as saving some of that energy for you.

Such are my initial thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Never make anyone a priority who treats you like an option.
 
My question is, if he barely has time to see me, why would he even consider pursuing another relationship at this time? He knows I'm not happy with the little amount of time that we're spending. What makes him think he would have time for both of us? If he does want to pursue her, doesn't that speak for how he prioritizes me? I'm worried about what this says about his commitment towards me.
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If he's going to resent you asking because your questions bring him back down to earth? Be ok with him being resentful. That's his emotional management to be doing. Let him do his side of the job.

You get on with tending your side of the job. Don't NOT do it because you worry that he's going to do his side of the job poorly. You have concerns and you want to know some stuff. So ASK, because you are not a mind reader.

Consider how you approach. Could stop asking why. Could start asking HOW and WHAT. Because the "why does he want to date her" may be that he has a crush and he hasn't really thought anything out. He's dreaming.

If you ask "HOW does you plan to balance time for (you + dating new people) while meeting the time that the (you + me) layer needs to stay healthy? What amount of time do you see yourself spending on our layer of relationship?"

Then I think you might have a more productive conversation. He can say he's going to keep spending 1x per week with you, or move to 2x per week or whatever it is he plans to give. And if what time he can offer you does not suit you, you could end it. With regrets, but end it and accept it just isn't a match. He gives you less time than you require and you do not like it.

Not everyone date will be a runner.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks guys. No we don't have any other partners. Until recently, he said he didnt have the energy or the time. It's a moot point though. Pretty sure we broke up. That night on the way back from the party, I started a discussion about the fact that ever since his brother moved in, I've only seen him on weekends. He doesn't have energy to come over weekdays. And I used to go to his. I questioned him to understand his discomfort at me coming over to his place while his brother is living there. He only said that he's not comfortable having me over since his brother sees him as a parental figure.(Grown man, but 10 years younger). He flipped out when I said, "But even if you were a single parent, wouldnt your children expect you to date?" He accused me of judging his culture (Peruvian) and imposing my American culture on him. Insisted that I had implied he was wrong and weird with my previous questions. I apologized for my unintentional rudeness and explained that I was only trying to understand him better. We did our weekend sleepover and a nice brunch. I could tell we were still recovering but thought we were OK. Until he ignored a text for hours. Only after I asked him what was going on did he launch into an attack telling me "I didn't feel a need to respond because all you do is make assumptions judge, impose, ...".
After talking things out, he said that we see things differently. Also that I seemed confused about our status. That he still considers us casual (a year later! And we take vacations, say I love you. He's been buying me a lot of thoughtful gifts the past few months ) He said he wasn't ever closed off to more commitment. Just wanted to see it happen organically. (Forever apparently.) I knew we were casual but thought we were slowing getting more committed. Besides we used to see eachother 3x/week even when we were even more casual.

But sorry. I know that has nothing to do with polyamory. But I greatly appreciate your viewpoints on the matter I posted. Thanks guys!
 
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Sorry to hear you (apparently) broke up. Possibly part of it is problems with communication. But it also sounds like he is not interested in a serious relationship at this time.
 
I'm sorry to hear you broke up. That's never fun. But maybe it is for the best?

None of your questions sounded like a problem or a big deal to me.

He flipped out when I said, "But even if you were a single parent, wouldnt your children expect you to date?"
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All he needed to say is "Nope. If I were a single parent I wouldn't want to bring dates over then either."

There's no need to go flipping out and then pulling the culture card and telling you that you are wrong to ask questions. This defensive/attacky/evasive/drama thing with him would get old FAST to me.

You are not a mind reader. People are not static, things change. Jeez.

Galagirl
 
Just a guy chiming in here. After reading this whole thread twice I came to these conclusions.

1. After a year of dating you aren't very important to him.

2. Something else is going on. He's lying, cheating or BOTH. Things are not adding up. He's saying those things about the younger woman because he thinks that's what you wanted to hear or out of guilt. He'll be chasing it down the first chance he gets. I guarantee it.
 
AJM said:
Just a guy chiming in here. After reading this whole thread twice I came to these conclusions.

1. After a year of dating you aren't very important to him.

2. Something else is going on. He's lying, cheating or BOTH. Things are not adding up. He's saying those things about the younger woman because he thinks that's what you wanted to hear or out of guilt. He'll be chasing it down the first chance he gets. I guarantee it.
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I think you're totally right. I'm not important to him. I was a convenience.

Of course he'll be chasing her down. It was written all over his body language. I think he has reservations about her age but not enough. He can do what he wants though, we're done.

I'm just annoyed that he drew conclusions about what I was thinking about him and just ran with it. Then proceeded to accuse me of judging and assuming things about HIM. He also accused me of drawing conclusions about his family based on things I read. But on Fri when I was telling him about my family's dating habits, he said he didn't need to hear about it because he already sees it all TV. So hypocritical. So much shadiness all around. Makes it easy to move on. /end rant
 
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WOW! He acuses you of making "American" assumptions about his culture then turns around and says he knows about your family's dating practices because he watches t.v. LOL!!

If this guy was any more full of himself he'd have to stop and loosen his belt.
 
It's often very tough dating someone who is from a different culture, especially if that culture clings tightly to old-fashioned or very traditional gender roles and attitudes about sex, AND when the person you're dating is more attached to their culture than they will admit.

I have a sense that, when he's around his family, he feels some shame over the way he was living his life, or not living up to familial expectations. I am sure his issues were very much surrounding internal pressures he placed on himself and not about you personally.
 
You're not the only one who picked up on him possibly feeling shame for something because on another forum, someone wrote, "Do you really have time for this kind of thing? *Don't you want it to be natural and easy without you having to walk on eggshells because you think his people do whatever it is he's ashamed of?"
 
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