My fear of STDs ruins my sex life.


New member
I am a 26 year old, bisexual woman.
What advice would you give to someone who has such a horrible fear of STDs and it ruins their sex life for casual sex? Being told to “just use condoms." But people lie. No one shows test results.(especially with going home with people from bars)
And condoms don’t completely protect you, especially from HPV and herpes.

Do you think it is insane for someone to want to see test results before casually having sex?


Staff member
It's not insane - your body, your choices. I certainly wouldn't be offended if you asked although I may not have ones as current as you'd like and probably wouldn't go get new ones JUST for a single casual encounter. Were we beginning an ongoing relationship? sure, that's fine.

That said, I'd really spend some time working through *why* you have such a fear and whether that level of fear is reasonable compared to the level of risk. Like, take herpes. Two main forms, right, HSV1 and HSV2 - the latter mostly likes genitals, the former mostly likes mouths, oral sex can throw those "mostly" descriptors out the window. And everyone acts like they're a big bad huge thing - "oh no, you'll have this forever". Truth. And yet... they don't point out that something like 30-40% of people have HSV1, most don't know, many many (myself included!) got it from family as a child, and that - unless you're otherwise immunocompromised OR are newly infected during pregnancy, there really aren't any health issues caused by it. The whole stigma was literally a scheme by big Pharma to sell more Valtrex (This article on Vice is the easiest one for me to pull offhand but there are LOTS out there).

HSV2 can be worse but again for most people, after the initial infection, is a non issue *other than the stigma*. HPV? get the vaccine, that will basically keep it from giving you cancer, and after that it's a minor skin condition that can be managed if you pick it up (not to mention the body often clears that one up with no symptoms).

You're by far not alone in having these fears - we're spoon-fed the idea that sex, especially casual sex, is deadly or harmful from the time we're teenagers. (If you can't scare the kids with hell, scare them with deadly diseases or at least stigmatized ones...) The reality of these things is NOT that though.

Just something to think about...


New member
I have the same fears, but I crave new attention, but I don't know how to trust. Myself I have only one partner, and had been that way for years. I did get tested just to have a blank slate for beginning to be open.

You make a good point, icesong, about the propaganda, which i am finding most of my life is full of, and unreasonable.


Well-known member
A simple solution would be not to have casual bar hookups. And who's going to bars right now and bringing home strangers in the midst of a killer pandemic, anyway?

Don't have sex with anyone you don't trust. There are more dangers to that than the slim chance of getting something that slips past the condom.


Staff member
And who's going to bars right now and bringing home strangers in the midst of a killer pandemic, anyway?
No one said this was immediate advice! I took it as "making plans for post plague fun"... I mean, if one isn't HAVING sex one might as well talk about it while you wait...


Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Melxx,

Safer sex is an objective you have to weigh against the freedom to be spontaneous. When you want to have sex with someone *right now,* you have to decide if you want to act on that and take that gamble. It is totally up to you, and there are no wrong answers. If you want to see test results before having sex, then, that's what you do, you refrain from having sex until you see those test results. That's perfectly sane and normal, and most people would not be greatly surprised by it. I don't think so, anyway. You just know that if you want to go to a bar and get a one-night stand, the object of your affections probably isn't going to carry around a copy of his latest test results, though maybe he has a copy at home? It's up to you to decide which risks are tolerable and which are not.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.