My heart is breaking.

[Emm]

HE feels absolutely terrible; at least once a day, usually more, he starts feeling like an ass, and guilty, and whatever.

... which has you walking on eggshells to avoid making him feel worse; exactly where he wants you. Start agreeing with him and see how long he keeps up the "I'm so sorry" act.

He says "I've wounded you terribly"? Say "Well duh" rather than just thinking it.

... he gets all hangdog and it becomes about him and I get tired of him saying he's sorry he hurt me.

He knows he's hurt you, but by doing this he's making it so that you feel you have to apologise to him because he hurt you. That's completely backward and needs to be pointed out. Make him carry his own baggage.

 

[Vinccenzo]

This might seem a dumb question but, even following the link to your back story provided in this thread opener didn't make it fully clear to me. People's responses haven't helped either.

This boyfriend you love that has your spouse on edge - he's the one with whom you had an affair that almost destroyed your marriage prior to any poly or relationship opening? Or was that someone else entirely?

 

[DebbieandRay]

Non-Monogamy is for Mature People

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems to me that your husband is a very childish man.

You say you are both full-on open poly, but it doesn't seem that way to me. Polyamory is not for the immature. It is for those who are mature enough to handle it. In a "traditional" relationship, a person may fear that an ex can/could be a threat, but in a poly relationship, you would think that inclusion of the ex would/should be possible.

Poly is about many LOVES. Jealousy is a fear of loss. And many men fear other men. There are a lot of men, and possibly women, who fear that they are not as good as someone's ex. And many people can handle the physical aspect of non-monogamy, but fewer people are prepared for, or can deal with, the emotional aspects.

One thing I find that I am constantly having to remind people is that once you open the flood gates you can't close them, no matter how hard you try. You know as well as I do that you will always love your ex. And he will always love you. The question I have is how much your husband truly loves you. The way your husband has acted has hurt you, your ex and your current relationship with your current husband. His actions have not only been immature, but they have been hurtful.

I would question the love your current husband has for you as well as the health of your relationship with your current husband.

I am just speaking from my own perception, but it doesn't seem as the two of you have a polyamorous relationship at all at this point, possibly never did.

 

[ClockworkDragon]

This might seem a dumb question but, even following the link to your back story provided in this thread opener didn't make it fully clear to me. People's responses haven't helped either.

This boyfriend you love that has your spouse on edge - he's the one with whom you had an affair that almost destroyed your marriage prior to any poly or relationship opening? Or was that someone else entirely?

Someone else entirely. We have ever had any contact of a romantic nor sexual nature without my husband's knowledge. He's my first boyfriend; when I was 15.

 

[Vinccenzo]

Thanks for clarifying. Thinking about how your partner is behaving made some sense to me IF the person he is against was someone with whom you had and affair.

Now his behavior just seems selfish. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I don't understand it, either. I don't see how it makes a difference whether I met him 20 years ago, or 20 minutes ago, you know? To me, it would actually be better, because this is a person I can trust and know won't take advantage of anything, who cares about him, too.

Youre husband may be afraid you'll leave for the ex. My ex was also "blacklisted" for some time until my spouse decide I could sleep with him, but not "date" him/ I'll always love my ex...but we make a bad couple. Be careful what you do and always be true to yourself

 

[ClockworkDragon]

That's definitely part of it. We had a conversation today about the whole mess. He says he's worried about me getting hurt in the future if my ex decides he doesn't want poly, and wants me to stay with him mono, or breaks up with me.

Neither of these things are a concern, and why on earth does hurting me now protect me from pain in the future, especially when the pain now isn't even because I don't want him, or he doesn't like me? I despise being punished for something that hasn't even happened... that could happen but might not. Fear of the future is something I've never organized my life around.

Realistically, he admits to feeling inferior; largely due to his own assumptions about how I feel. For example, I commented once about my ex being a good dad. The context was after we had a bit of a play date with his kids and mine; I have two girls, he's got three boys. He played, ran around with his boys. I was impressed, and just made an offhanded comment about him being a good dad. When I said it, it was mostly in the context of our friends; frankly, most of the people we know who have kids are kinda terrible at it, with the exception of a few. It wasn't about my husband at all; I think my husband is a fantastic father!

But he assumed I meant he was a better dad. THat wasn't what I meant at ALL.

I dunno.

Basically, what it means is that he does feel threatened, and it makes me sad. Ah well. Such is life.

 

[bookbug]

It is odd the way some people think the world revolves around them. The comment about your long ago boyfriend being a good dad had nothing to do with your husband, but he managed to somehow make it all about him. Unfortunately, people who are prone to seeing themselves as the center of the universe, never make good assumptions; those assumptions always have negative connotations - "she must think I'm not a good dad."

There is a term for that: cognitive distortion. It sounds like your husband makes a lot of uninformed assumptions.

I do think he fears losing you. That was probably an honest statement. But as for him trying to "save you from getting hurt later," that sounds like a rationalization for his behavior.

 

[GalaGirl]

Emotions are not always logical.

Could any of these help?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

(esp page 5 & 6)

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

I know you made your decision on this one, and plan to stick with it, and deal in grieving a loss first. Eventually though, before you polydate again you guys might want to talk and make the plan to cope with jealousy/envy feelings in a different way in future so it isn't a repeat of this again.

Galagirl