My husband and I have a full time girlfriend

M

Married20

New member
My husband and I have been together for 29 years (we were teenagers when we started dating) Since we were very young we have always had a very sexually adventurous relationship. We have tried swingers clubs, threesomes, orgy's and other couples. Nothing ever lasted past 1 night. I/we were always looking for a connection more than sex. To be honest, I gave up on ever finding the "right" person to fit into lives and we have not had another person involved in our relationship for more than 8 years. UNTIL, a year and half ago, when a wonderful, single woman (I've known her, (as a friend of a friend) for 2years), with exactly ALL the qualities to set up a solid, trusting and LONG lasting relationship, tried to kiss me! . . I stopped her...because hubby and I have clear lines of trust and that was NOT ok .....Because it was "fate" our friendship grew stronger from that day on. Jump to current day, the three of us have a good solid relationship. It has progressed from a casual threesome to a loving, committed and trusting relationship. She doesn't live with us (yet) but is with us every weekend, on every vacation and on all days "off work", ect. Here is my dilemma.
My sister has just recently been told of our relationship with gf and she doesn't like it (I see sister 7x /year, text/call weekly) and has even threatened to end our family gatherings because she will NEVER accept our Girlfriend. My sister "decided" to tell my mother, niece & nephew and other sister about GF in a very tainted view (in my view, I don't really know what she said to them). Mom...after few conversation doesn't "like" but Accepts our decision. Other sister, laughed and said "and???" Niece/Nephew said "I don't want to hear about it." THIS sister....last message from her was "Never contact me or my family again. I'm DONE" .....do I "truly" believe this? NO! She has KNOWN me and my husband a LONG time. She'll get past it.
wow...I feel like I've written a book
Question: How do I act "normal/natural" when I see her at the next family gathering? IN 2 WEEKS!
 
Is your girlfriend coming to the family gathering?
 
No, GF is not coming to the bday party because #1 My sister is hosting and doesn't want her there and #2 Because my GF doesn't want to go!
I really want to push the issue and bring her anyway but I won't because I really don't want the family fight.
 
I had this same sort of issue when first coming out. My sister saw my friends list on Facebook and was clicking around - my boyfriend's cover photo was of us kissing. She immediately started a phone tree and outed me to everyone. Her plan backfired though, as eventually everyone came around. She is still not happy but that is because she is super jealous of me. It's really sad, actually.

Anyway, give people time. It took about a year for everyone to calm down. I don't ever hesitate to talk about my two husbands (boyfriend and I had a ceremony a while back) and I think that helped a lot. On the phone, whenever someone asked what I was up to, I'd mention both my guys and just make it casual. I refused to pretend my life was the standard monogamous norm. My mom actually told me once that she didn't need to hear about PunkRock, but I told her that I wasn't going to censor myself to make her feel more comfortable, because this was a real person, who I really loved, and it wasn't ok for anyone to make him invisible.

When my father passed away, my mom actively included him, and the only person who said anything at all was my sister. My mom actually told her that if she had a problem, she could go out to the parking lot and have it there. Lol PunkRock was my emotional rock during that difficult time, and I needed both my guys to boost me. Having either one excluded would have wounded me, while it did no one else any harm at all to have someone extra there.

Last year my sister did make an issue of family Christmas, and she told my mom that PunkRock was specifically NOT invited. I had to make a choice, but there really wasn't an issue because PunkRock couldn't get off work to attend and neither could DarkKnight. I figured that as long as it is hosted at my sister's house, I wouldn't pitch a fit because of course everyone has the right to have a guest list in their own home. However, if either of my guys would have been able to make the date, I would have not attended on principle. It might make a difference - my extended family lives in NY and we are in Maryland! If they had come, I would have boycotted her event and hosted my own in a restaurant. I am really glad it didn't come to that, but my guys are my loves and it isn't ok to marginalize them.

In your case, I'd let the hoopla die down. Don't get drawn into arguments about what other people think - it honestly doesn't matter. Just be happy, live and love your life, and others will come around or they won't. Don't push too hard at first as it really is a major world view shift for some, and it is definitely requires a shift in how they view you as well.
 
Hang on, The event is being hosted by the sister who told you never to contact her again?
And you are still invited? That does not make sense to me. Two weeks seems a short time to expect her to go from "Never speak to me again!" to "Welcome to my home!" Why are you going?

leetah
 
I want to go to my sister's gathering, because of my mother. My father died about 8 mths ago and my mother is on a "mission" to have family gatherings more often. This is the ONLY reason I would even go to the event. My mother, who has "accepted" our decision, wants me (husband/kids) there, so we can all be together.
 
I think you could just focus to be calm but firm. Don't bring the topic up, but if they do, don't lose your temper. Just keep your voice calm. You have two options to choose: "my gf is importatant in my life and that won't change" (repeat until the message comes over), and/or "we will not discuss it now and spoil the gathering, if you want to clear anything out, I can talk to you later".
 
I can see why acting normal would be difficult. Will your sister even let you in? I suppose if she decides to actually treat you like a non-person you can try being nice and if she does not acknowledge you at least your mom will see you made the effort. Then you can go into ignoring sister mode.

Leetah
 
I am new (1 week) to this site and I have to say reading a lot of the story's, definition and understanding of poly has helped me ALOT! Thank you for having this site for people like me!..... I am still not sure if Im going to my sister's gathering, but I do know, my 2 teenage kids (who know about our GF and love, want and accept her into their/our lifes) are not going. They have asked me to make "excuses" so they don't have to go and with all the "drama" I have agreed. Hubby and girlfriend will do "whatever I decided"
 
Hi Married20,

If you go to the sister's gathering, just act normal, natural; i.e. however you would normally act. Don't act like anything is wrong, and don't force the subject on anyone. If people ask you questions you can just answer simply and sweetly ... or not at all if you feel it's not their business. Just say, "That's private."

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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