My husband can't sleep when my boyfriend sleeps over

L

lilyankh

New member
I am a female in a closed vee relationship with two hetero men. We are all new to polyamory.

When my boyfriend spends the night, my husband can't sleep. He lies awake, and every noise or sound makes him wonder if we are having sex. The issue isn't that we make noise. It's that he is very curious. He wants to know what we are doing. It's not jealousy, and it's not that he isn't okay with us being together. He just wants to know-- what we are doing, what it looks like, etc. It's like looking at porn. He pauses the music and movies if he thinks hears something. etc. Watching sex is a kink of his, so knowing sex is going on in the next room, and he can't watch, drives him crazy.
 
How does your boyfriend feel about exhibitionism? Would it be an option for your husband to watch you and your boyfriend have sex?

There's a difference between curious and nosy. Some things are just none of your business. I'm undecided whether your wife having sex in the next room with her boyfriend is one of those things. I'm inclined to say that if your boyfriend would prefer his privacy and doesn't want your husband to be snoopy, then it may be prudent to go to his house for sleepovers.
 
Like SC said, would it really be that much of a problem for the three of you to be together sometimes?

I was like that with my fiancee and her girlfriend when we first started going out. When we finally ended up in the same bed one night, when we got snowed in, I got to see that what they did together was pretty much what we did together. Since then, I give her space with her gf, and I am not really curious. I just hope they share good love and intimacy when they're together. They don't sleep together here, though.

Maybe it would be better if you slept with your husband at your place, and with your bf at his.
 
We have had this talk. My husband doesn't specifically have a kink for it, but he was curious as well. In our case, it was right off the table, because neither my boyfriend nor I would have liked that. It depends on the people involved. If all of you are okay with this, have fun. But if even one isn't comfortable with it, don't step all over them. This is about the comfort of all, not that of one. As far as I am concerned, there are some things that one has the right to protect, and privacy is definitely one of them.
 
Another "in between" option might be for you and your boyfriend to make a recording, with the understanding that your husband will watch it later. Of course, that also requires consent from the boyfriend (duh). But it might be easier if he has anxieties about having sex in front of someone.

Of course, if you or your bf are simply not okay with someone else watching you have sex, either recorded, or in person, then it's all off the table entirely. That goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway because I'm learning that obvious things are not obvious to everyone.
 
Is your husband's behavior disturbing you and your boyfriend? Or are you concerned about your husband, because you know he's going a bit nuts when you guys are together? That makes a bit of a difference. If it's your privacy that's important, is there any way to have sex somewhere other then under the same roof as your husband? I'm assuming not, or you would already be doing that. Is there any other place he can be when your bf comes over?
 
Okay, so he's curious and he can't sleep. He wants to know something. What does he want from you? Has he requested anything, like letting him watch, or telling him about it later?

Or is this post about how you feel about his wakefulness/curiosity, being okay feeling whatever it is you feel about that, and not taking any action to do anything about it to meet his need? Is this more about meeting your own needs?

I'm not clear if this is, "I feel X. I need tips on how to weather it out and let the emotional weather blow on through," or if it is, "My husband asked me to do X. I don't know how to respond to his request." Would you please clarify?
 
Last edited:
Thank you all for your answers and suggestions

I obviously don't like it that he can't sleep, and that he feels uncomfortable, because I care about him. Also, my boyfriend's place is not very comfortable (only a twin bed) and I prefer to be home. But most importantly we all want to live together one day, so eventually this needs to be worked out. Also, we have all had sex before.. The threesome is sort of how he became my boyfriend.

We talked about it, all three of us. We are open to trying the following: my boyfriend and I are going to try to make a sex tape for my husband to watch. We will see if that helps. Also, we might try having another threesome. It will be the first since things have gone from lust to love. Also, we talked about sound-cancelling headphones.

As of right now, I'm staying at my boyfriend's place and sleeping in the twin bed with him. :(

What did you guys do? In the beginning, I mean. All three of us are new to this lifestyle.
 
In our case, I felt really disturbed when I noticed that the other overheard me having sex with one of them. Our bedrooms are right next to each other, so it happens occasionally. But our routines are quite diverse. That's why normally my husband and I go go to bed at different times than my boyfriend and I do. It works that way. I made sure at first that each one wasn't involved in the intimate part of the other relationship as much as possible. It didn't work for me otherwise.

After some time, the situation became more relaxed. I was able to leave for some alone time with one of them, and actually tell the other that we would be busy for a bit. It was never explicitly, "We are gonna have some sex now. See you," but more like, "We are going to watch TV/cuddle a bit/lie down some," and so on. As I said, I am not comfortable involving an "outsider" in my intimate relationships. My other partner is an outsider in these cases. I was and am the one having the most problems with this particular topic.

If everyone is comfortable with it, your plan sounds like a possible way to handle your situation. :) Hopefully it works out. I promise that however you are handling things in the long run, the more all of you got used to a three-person living arrangement, the more you will relax around each other.
 
Phy, I'm in the exact same relationship. I'm a hinge in a vee. Husband and boyfriend are primaries for me and both straight. I am bi and 29 too. Ha! I just thought that was cool.

We are just babies when it comes to being poly, though. There are so many issues to iron out. It's overwhelming. My only hope is that we all really want it to work. I will definitely read your blog link. Thanks!
 
I just noticed that I forgot to update my age in my sig. I am 30 now. ;) My blog starts with some confusion about poly as well. But we made it work. In April of this year we will have been involved with the poly topic for two years. I won't say that this makes us seniors, but I guess we have left the baby steps behind by now. :)
 
Hi lilyankh. I guess your husband and I are almost complete opposites but I can definitely pitch some insight into your situation. It seems we both have a curiosity for our wives having sex with their boyfriends. The only difference is that I have a somewhat jealous/competitive drive for my curiosity, while your husband has a kinky drive for his curiosity. And despite knowing that my curiosity is natural and healthy, I still think that your husband has it easier, even though you might not think so. If your bf is ok with it, ask your husband if he would like to watch you two even from a distance.

If you think he's too embarrassed to agree, let it go. But don't be surprised if he decides to secretly watch from a distance, because that's how I watched my wife and her bf the first time. I had only heard some things from my wife. I still wanted to see how he compared to me when he screwed her, how big is penis was, whether she enjoyed him more, etc. I was too intimidated and prideful to ask, so I decided to take a peek one day.

It wasn't easy at first, because I found out he was screwing her better. He was bigger. She did enjoy him more. But it definitely quenched my curiosity. Even if those things might bother your husband, he will definitely be satisfied with watching you with your bf.

The most important thing is communication. See what he wants and what you can do to help him get it. If he doesn't want to tell you, just let him act accordingly and freely, but with respect. Has he expressed an interest in watching you two?
 
Hey, this is great. I am not alone. I am in this situation with my bf and husband when bf sleeps over. And I thought I was alone! lol I will def read the blog.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top