My husband loves the person I had to be more than my truth.

[Vanta Blackrose]

Our original marital agreement was made when I was being abused at home and molded into something I was never meant to be. I had no idea I was bi or poly. When I started figuring it out, I tried to work with him to see if we could make it work. At first, he said he would let me have a girlfriend. But then, when I started looking for girlfriends, he told me I couldn't have one. Then I asked if I could just do emotional connections with limited affection, based on his comfort. He said no to that, too.

He used to try to understand me and meet me halfway for things. Now he's sticking to the rigid agreement and completely ignoring my feelings. I don't think he wants me anymore. I think he just wants a "good, red, Christian wife". That's not who I am anymore. Honestly, it never was. I just thought that's who I was because my parents didn't give me choices. Now I'm just looking to meet people. I don't want any relationships or anything. Currently, I'm still with my husband and I would like to work something out.

Where can I go to meet friends who see me? I've only ever had one of those and I'd like to meet more. This is not polybombing. This is pure revelation, then facing a terrifying fire. If I leave him, my family will probably cut me off. It wouldn't surprise me. They would prefer him over me. They say they wouldn't, but they would.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Vanta Blackrose,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this intolerable situation. You are trying to throw off the shackles that were put on you during your childhood, and your husband is not supporting you as a husband should. I believe you can find friends who see you for you, right on this forum. Just keep posting, people will respond. You can also try googling "Texas polyamory" and/or "polyamory" with the name of the major city closest to you. I don't know how close you are to Austin, it is known for being progressive and poly-tolerant. I hope this post is of some small help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

Please clarify.
By "abused at home" you mean abused by this husband? Or abused by your original family, which exercised control over you to the point of perhaps arranging you marriage?
Are you coming from a very religious or even sect-like background?

 

[Magdlyn]

Our original marital agreement was made when I was being abused at home and molded into something I was never meant to be. I had no idea I was bi or poly. When I started figuring it out, I tried to work with him to see if we could make it work. At first, he said he would let me have a girlfriend. But then, when I started looking for girlfriends, he told me I couldn't have one. Then I asked if I could just do emotional connections with limited affection, based on his comfort. He said no to that, too.

He used to try to understand me and meet me halfway for things. Now he's sticking to the rigid agreement and completely ignoring my feelings. I don't think he wants me anymore. I think he just wants a "good, red, Christian wife". That's not who I am anymore. Honestly, it never was. I just thought that's who I was because my parents didn't give me choices. Now I'm just looking to meet people. I don't want any relationships or anything. Currently, I'm still with my husband and I would like to work something out.

Where can I go to meet friends who see me? I've only ever had one of those and I'd like to meet more. This is not polybombing. This is pure revelation, then facing a terrifying fire. If I leave him, my family will probably cut me off. It wouldn't surprise me. They would prefer him over me. They say they wouldn't, but they would.

I also have the questions Tinwen has. It sounds like you were owned by your father, who gave you over to your husband, as if this were the early 19th century, where women were owned and had no rights.

If you want to catch up to the 21st century, with all the rights you deserve, that women (and some men) have fought for, it will be hard but doable. You might be living in a cult community where it's hard to break away? But at least you have access to the internet.

I watch ex-Mormon and other channels on YouTube because of my general interest in religions and cults, and the damage they do in the name of god. I recommend "Cults to Consciousness," for starters. The guests tell inspiring stories of breaking free of cults, why and how they did it, and how their lives have changed for the better.

Usually, if people are in cults, they don't know they are.

You might be polyamorous, you might not be. If feel you're bisexual (or pansexual, etc.), you are. Maybe someday when you break free, you will be able to date whoever you want of any gender. You can do this! There are resources out there.