My in-laws suspect? Figured it out?

M

MsEmotional

Member
Glasses's sister told him that their parents figured out that something was going on between me and Ponytail.

Glasses had wanted to name-drop about Ponytail and Ginger and then eventually explain the romantic nature of our relationships with them after his parents had gotten used to the idea of them as people first....

In keeping with that, I had texted some photos of Ponytail and I with the kids, in the same way that I normally text cute pics of the kids to them. Apparently they discussed with Glasses' sister that they think there is some kind of relationship between me and Ponytail? She pretended not to know anything.

So what do I do now? Should we tell them that we know that they suspect something and that we want to be honest with them about what is going on? Should we pretend that they don't already suspect anything and "come out" to them as though we expect this to be totally new info? Should we do nothing and just assume that it's none of their business?

I am really freaked out that they might be under the impression that I am having an affair. I really don't want them to think that. I wasn't expecting them to talk about it with Glasses' sister before talking to me about it.....so now she is in the weird position of keeping this info under wraps when they are clearly talking to her about it directly....What is the best course of action?
 
I would leave it up to Glasses to decide what he wants to do. It's his family.

They must not be the brightest bulbs if they think you'd send them a pic of the guy you are having an affair with...lol
 
Hi MsEmotional,

It sounds to me like it's time to out yourselves (to Glasses' family at least). You could do this in a group email, where you could say, you know some of them have questions about Ponytail, and you want to clear up any confusion. You could carbon Glasses so that everyone knows you're not going behind his back. Or, Glasses could be the one who writes and sends the email. Up to you and Glasses. Of course if Glasses chooses to say nothing, that is his prerogative, but I think it would be a mistake. It's like you said, you don't want people to start thinking you're having an affair. But that's me ... personally I am not a fan of being in the closet. Not if it can be helped.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Now get Glasses to text them a picture of Ginger and the kids...
 
Update

Well, that was awful.

After two failed attempts to talk to them (bad timing with the kids preventing him from being able to talk to them both times), Glasses was able to talk to his parents today.

It went really, really badly. Basically they are convinced that — without ever having met Ponytail — Ponytail is a bad influence on the kids and that Glasses and I aren’t being good parents to them. They drew these conclusions based on the fact that my 4-year-old’s affect had “changed” after she got back from a weekend trip with Ponytail, my younger daughter, and myself; the fact that she said something that made them think Ponytail and I were fighting on the trip (not true — we had a ton of fun); and the fact that her pictures of volcanoes now look “shockingly phallic.”

I have no idea what they think is going on in my house, but I am horrified to think that they are under her impression that Ponytail’s presence in their lives is somehow corrupting them. Ponytail has been nothing but patient and kind to the kids — more patient than Glasses. And he’s even trying to teach them about his areas of interest (science, the culture and language of the region where he lived abroad, etc). And it’s not like we’re having sex in front of the kids or that they have ever seen him naked, so how would the phallic volcanoes even correlate?

Ugh. I am just sickened by the conclusions they are jumping to....and the assumptions they are making. I feel awful that they ended up with so much time to draw their own conclusions before Glasses was able to have a conversation with them....but at the same time, they could have at least reserved judgement until they had our side of the story instead of just spinning their own tales based on vague statements and pictures from a 4 year old.
 
Depending on Glasses' parents upbringing and socio political views in general, they may take more or less time to get over the "shock" of learning about your "unconventional lifestyle".

Don't forget, they're not only a different generation, but are also a product of cultural conditioning that says it's not only wrong to have more than one partner, but is almost incomprehensible that both members of a couple may willingly choose to conduct a committed relationship in this fashion.

If they are super religious/ultra conservative homophobes, for example, it is unlikely they're going to easily accept the reality of polyamory (especially Glasses situation with Ginger). Do they even know their son is attracted to men? I ask, because the situation with you and Ponytail is probably a lot for them to take in, already, when their "worst fear" was probably that you were simply having an affair.

I realise the cat is out of the bag now, but from what you've said about their reaction and comments about your four year old's "changed affect" and supposedly phallic drawing, I'd tread very carefully regarding how much more information you divulge in the near future. The last thing you need is for them to decide you and their son are unfit to raise their grandkids, or that Ponytail is somehow a danger to the kids, and decide to take it further.

Maybe give them time to sit with the news for a while and figure out that there is no clear and present danger. If things start to blow up out of control, perhaps Glasses' sister or some other sympathetic-yet-impartial friend or family member could intercede on your behalf, just to calm the worst of their fears.
 
lunabunny said:
If they are super religious/ultra conservative homophobes, for example, it is unlikely they're going to easily accept the reality of polyamory (especially Glasses situation with Ginger). Do they even know their son is attracted to men? I ask, because the situation with you and Ponytail is probably a lot for them to take in, already, when their "worst fear" was probably that you were simply having an affair.
...
If things start to blow up out of control, perhaps Glasses' sister or some other sympathetic-yet-impartial friend or family member could intercede on your behalf, just to calm the worst of their fears.
Click to expand...

I know that Glasses’ sister has reported to him hat the conversation that they had with him directly was the most upset they had gotten (apparently she had talked to them and assured them that what was going on was mutually agreed upon). So maybe they are more prone to listen to her than to him.

His parents knew that he was attracted to men. He had a boyfriend before he and I got together and he came out to them then. His sister is gay and she had come out to them a year or two earlier. They did struggle at first (which manifested itself as a lot of handwringing about hepatitis), so he is hopeful that freaking out about phallic art and implying that Ponytail is corrupting the children is just their temporary way of channeling their discomfort and that they will get over it eventually.
 
MsEmotional said:
His parents knew that he was attracted to men. He had a boyfriend before he and I got together and he came out to them then. His sister is gay and she had come out to them a year or two earlier. They did struggle at first (which manifested itself as a lot of handwringing about hepatitis), so he is hopeful that freaking out about phallic art and implying that Ponytail is corrupting the children is just their temporary way of channeling their discomfort and that they will get over it eventually.
Click to expand...

If they can deal with all that, then I have high hopes that in time they'll be able to accept this news also.

The more sure of yourselves you and Glasses act around them, the sooner they'll come around, most likely.

Like all concerned parents, safety (of their own children as well as yours) is paramount, and isn't entirely a misplaced concern. Let's face it, the more sexual partners in any mix, the (proportionately) more health risks we run, and therefore the more attention needs to be placed on safe sex practices, as all responsible sexually active adults know.

The importance of transparency regarding risk factors exists across the board though, no matter what. For example, my partner Jester has hepatitis C which he contracted due to substance use, and his status has to be a consideration whenever he engages in certain activities including sex.
 
MsEmotional said:
Ugh. I am just sickened by the conclusions they are jumping to....and the assumptions they are making. I feel awful that they ended up with so much time to draw their own conclusions before Glasses was able to have a conversation with them....but at the same time, they could have at least reserved judgement until they had our side of the story instead of just spinning their own tales based on vague statements and pictures from a 4 year old.
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear that your in-laws are having such a negative reaction. Dan Savage gives a bit of advice for LGBTQ people that face this sort of reaction from family members when they come out and I think it's useful in this situation as well.

However misguided and offensive their opinions are, understand that to them, what they've learned is shocking and also a big mystery to them. What Savage recommends is approaching the family members in question, telling them that you understand that this is very new and confusing to them, that you understand that they have a lot of concerns and questions. Then tell them that consideration of all this, you're going to give them a year in which they can ask questions, raise concerns, be freaked out, etc and that for this year, you'll answer their questions honestly and listen their misgivings, etc. Even if the questions seem offensive try to understand they probably really don't understand and are seeking to in their own way. The one caveat would be that if they are abusive during this time, consider cutting it short.

If at the end of the year they haven't accepted your choice of family structure it's time to consider cutting of contact with them. As adult the greatest leverage you have with people like this is your and your children's presence in their life. If they refuse to accept your choice of family structure after you've given them a year to adjust and proven that your children are not being neglected nor in danger then they're going to have to adjust to not having their grandchildren in their life. As harsh as it may seem consider that these people that are so highly critical of your family structure may be having a negative impact on your kids if they're allowed to spend time with them.

One caveat here- alternative family structures don't quite yet have the legal recognition that LGBT families do so if you think they're the type that might lawyer up, be proactive and take steps that will protect your family. One of the biggest things you can do is make sure your house is always clean and there is always adequate and appropriate food. Also make sure that anything that might be considered harmful to kids (porn, sex toys, alcohol, firearms, and even where legal, paraphernalia for marijuana) is stored out of sight, preferably behind a lock. The reason for this is that if someone does call CPS on you, they will very likely surprise you with a home visit.

Good luck with this, I hope your in laws come around
 
Refusnik said:
One caveat here- alternative family structures don't quite yet have the legal recognition that LGBT families do so if you think they're the type that might lawyer up, be proactive and take steps that will protect your family. One of the biggest things you can do is make sure your house is always clean and there is always adequate and appropriate food. Also make sure that anything that might be considered harmful to kids (porn, sex toys, alcohol, firearms, and even where legal, paraphernalia for marijuana) is stored out of sight, preferably behind a lock. The reason for this is that if someone does call CPS on you, they will very likely surprise you with a home visit.
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^ MsEmotional - This is sound advice in light of your in-law's (over)reaction concerning the children's well-being and your boyfriend's "influence" on them.

I was almost going to suggest similar, but didn't want to be too alarmist until you'd allowed them to sit with the news for a bit, then come back and given us a progress report.
 
lunabunny said:
^ MsEmotional - This is sound advice in light of your in-law's (over)reaction concerning the children's well-being and your boyfriend's "influence" on them.

I was almost going to suggest similar, but didn't want to be too alarmist until you'd allowed them to sit with the news for a bit, then come back and given us a progress report.
Click to expand...

Thanks for adding this, particularly the not wanting to be alarmist part. At this point it's meant to be prophylactic advice. While the in-law's reaction was judgemental and somewhat severe, keep in mind that this is new to them and from their point of view, a major revelation. You and your husband probably have a much better read on the type of people they are and if they pose a risk to your family.
 
Another difference between polyamory & LGBetc is that I know a lot more people who have stopped having multiple relationships than people who've stopped being gay.

For me, there's always been a HUGE difference between being out & being evangelical, & the latter ought always be viewed with suspicion.

I've been out about my life all along. That does NOT mean that it's something I recommend to most people. In fact, no matter what "community" I look at (bi, Wicca, poly, leather, even science-fiction fandom), there's always a noisy minority that seems to have taken up their identity specifically to piss off other people -- not unusually their families. And some of these seem to find the shock value MUCH more valuable than the lifestyle itself.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Another difference between polyamory & LGBetc is that I know a lot more people who have stopped having multiple relationships than people who've stopped being gay.

For me, there's always been a HUGE difference between being out & being evangelical, & the latter ought always be viewed with suspicion.

I've been out about my life all along. That does NOT mean that it's something I recommend to most people. In fact, no matter what "community" I look at (bi, Wicca, poly, leather, even science-fiction fandom), there's always a noisy minority that seems to have taken up their identity specifically to piss off other people -- not unusually their families. And some of these seem to find the shock value MUCH more valuable than the lifestyle itself.
Click to expand...

I've noticed this as well, especially among young people. It's like they create a persona to make people uncomfortable, then get angry when you're not shocked. I mean, at my age it's pretty hard to shock me. I can't tell if my daughters think I'm cool or if they are disappointed they can't freak me out.
 
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