I have a different approach than most. I am old school. I love my wife fully as I do my partner. However, i made a commitment to my wife and will abide to that commitment. If it ever starts causing problems in our married life, I will stop my poly life, period.
My poly partner agrees. I know this approach will ruffle some feathers, but if you actually love your wife, love that commitment. If not, then leave.
Hi, TXretired - and a belated welcome to the forum! I just re-read your introductory post as well as this comment. Magdlyn made a good point in her last reply on your introductory thread - in that there are certain aspects that make a relationship "poly" and not some other form of consensual non-monogamy - primarily loving relationships (not just sex) with the knowledge and consent of all involved. And, it actually does sound like you that is your situation - even if there have been some rocky spots (and you are hardly unique in that aspect!). Some would definitely conclude that your poly situation is couple-privileged. And while that does not preclude the relationship from being technically poly, others would say that it is "unethical poly" because the feelings of your girlfriend are secondary to protecting your marriage - thus making your girlfriend "less important". (Although, at least your girlfriend is "ok" with that sentiment".)
As another husband whose marriage transitioned from monogamy to polyamory (about 3 years ago), I may relate to your statement above more than most. Even though in my case, it was initially my wife who was the hinge with me and a lover (although we both have partners now).
but if you actually love your wife, love that commitment. If not, then leave.
When one spouse asks the other to open the marriage and transition to poly, the other spouse has the absolute right to refuse - because there is almost certainly an existing implicit marital contract for monogamy in place. Then it is up to the spouse who requested poly to decide if they are willing to leave the marriage to be poly, to forego a poly life, or possibly even become a cheater instead.
So, yes, if the desire for poly is so strong that one is willing to leave their mono marriage to pursue poly - then leaving the relationship may be necessary. Although - it may not mean that the spouse requesting poly does not "actually" love (as in your quote) their partner - only that, despite that love for their spouse, they have come to the conclusion that they cannot having a satisfactory life in a mono marriage - even if it means having to leave the spouse that they do truly love.
But - it may work out that the marital contract can be renegotiated from monogamy to poly, in which case the couple can work out their own unique "poly contract". This is what my wife and I did - and you and your wife did as well - to some extent, at least.
However - being the hinge with two lovers is one thing - being accepting of your wife having another lover is, for most, a bigger challenge. How would you feel about her having another lover as well?
And a final note, your posts seem to proceed from the idea that it would be the husband who would be expected to have the two partners. But, the reality of the poly world is that is far more often that it is the wife who is asking to open the marriage so she can have other partners - and far more likely that she will be the one with multiple partners.
Just a few thoughts to share - again, welcome to the Forum!
Al
