My jealousy is related to males

N

nto

New member
I have no idea why. Women, I can be happy for her. I miss her when she's gone, but I'm not upset. But after about four years of polyamory, she's started developing a stronger interest in men, and I'm not doing well.

Every time she even did something like dating a guy, e.g., trying to set up a date, texting a lot, or what have you, and I realize that she's interested in him (usually because she says so) I am immediately hostile to him. This includes a guy I was pretty cool with. I just wanted to hurt him, either physically or verbally. Not being out of my mind, and knowing it's not reasonable, I didn't. The second it didn't work out, and he decided not to date her (without being aware of my feelings), my anger was gone.

I have no idea why. I'm not afraid of her leaving, but when she went out on a date, I drank. It helped, but it's not something I can keep up.

So what do I do? I guess the best phrase I can think of is that when it's a woman, it doesn't feel like cheating. I never said I was okay with guys. She just wasn't interested until about four years in. As she says, her needs have changed. But my feelings very much have not.
 
You are not alone on this one. My guy has some of the same issues. He hasn't admitted it yet and I am not sure how I should handle it. The only difference with me is that I've never told my guy that I was only into girls. He has known that I wanted other guys from the start. Have you talked to her at all yet or are you waiting for better advice on what to do? Does she know about your feelings when it comes to these other men?
 
She knows. I've told her I won't tell her to stop until I have to, but she knows mostly how I feel. She feels guilty, but feels like she needs to. She feels like it's part of her, and feels hurt because she tried so hard to be okay with me being with another woman. I'm trying, I really am. But I'm having a damn hard time with it.

I am bouncing between what to do. Sometimes I think I'm getting better. Then I find out that she talked to him for hours while I was at work (a reasonable thing to do, I think), and it bothers me until, well, it's 9 am and I am drunk. I know it's my hang up. I know I need to try to work through it, but I really don't know what to do. I'm posting on a hidden screen name on a site she doesn't know so it won't hurt her, but wtf do I do? What helps with what feels like a natural limit?

What worries me is I am scrambling for reasons, and I still have no idea why it bothers me. Past thoughts include:
- The time we were on a break and she fooled around with another guy.
- I spent years as the omega male (the opposite of the alpha male) and don't want to go back to that.
- I really don't like myself that much.
- I never agreed to her dating males.
- The most I can do is not tell her no.
- I don't feel like I have a choice without being insanely unfair.
- Something else.

Most of these are my problems, not hers. I don't know what to do, but with her talking to the guy this much, I feel like I am on a damn hard time limit to figure it out. I do not want to say stop to what has become a serious, intimate, emotional relationship, if at all possible,, but that means I need to figure out what I feel and what I need damn fast.
 
nto said:
I spent years as the omega male (the opposite of the alpha male) and don't want to go back to that. I really don't like myself that much. I never agreed to her dating males. The most I can do is not tell her no. I don't feel like I have a choice without being insanely unfair.
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It sounds like you are really struggling with accepting poly as a reality, at all, especially for yourself. You may not be cut out for it, at least at this point in your life. There are too many of your own issues and insecurities that you need to work on. That's a full time job in itself.

The whole alpha/omega thing is a big tip-off.

The only way that poly works is when we walk forward, as partners, with a loved one. There's no space for hierarchy there. We walk side by side with them and support them as best we can in their pursuit of happiness and love. If we can't be a good partner, we need to get out of the way until we can.
 
I would suggest looking at your relationships with/attitudes towards men, and what it is specifically that you have an issue with. Not for her, but for yourself, for your own growth.

If you didn't agree to this, then it's time to sit down and talk about boundaries again. What do you feel comfortable with? What would help her not feel guilty? What is she looking for specifically that the two of you could work on in your relationship? Where is the boundary line and how much do you both feel you can move it?

It's all fluid and movable. It takes time and patience. She needs to be patient.

In my relationships, I don't have the option of sexual relationships outside of my tribe with men, while with women, I do. I can be "intimate" with men, but that cannot involve sex. I have a "boyfriend" that I am not sexual with, and two men (my husband and live-in partner) that I am. I have a girlfriend I can (and sometimes do) have sex with. It is also possible for me to have opportunities with both men and women, in kinky play.

My boundary agreements didn't come out of nowhere. They were discussed at length. The topic is always open for more discussion if the boundaries/rules need adjusting because they aren't working for one of us. No one should feel uncomfortable. Everyone should eventually feel safe and secure in what they have going on.

This is what has worked for us, anyway.
 
It's hard to come on here and tell you what you should and shouldn't feel. It sounds like using your own logic hasn't done much for your situation. But I want to give you props for really recognizing where you are and how you are feeling. You are owning the situation, and that says a lot. You clearly love her and want the best for both of you!

I think your fears/insecurities are valid. They are a part of who you are. Sometimes feeling guilty or hiding from them will only make it worse. For me, polyamory is about allowing personal freedom with your emotions (to be free to love more) Instead of focusing on how bad you feel.

Try some exercises with your love. What makes you feel good about the situation? What are some good qualities you have? What are some good qualities these other men have?

Don't overwhelm yourself by trying to make it better all at once, take baby steps.

It's important to keep your communication with her open about this, too. Sharing with someone so close to you can sometimes help you relax a little. Remember you are doing this together.

Have you had experience in the bedroom with another man there?
 
No, I haven't tried being there, mostly because I don't think I could. She talks about any guy she is thinking about dating, I start getting fist-clenching angry. I have no idea why.

(Note: I don't mean just "crushing on." She can be interested, think they are cute, whatever. That doesn't bother me a bit.)

I'm not gonna do anything with the anger, but it would be just awesome to not be that angry.

My current strategy is to try to not be aware as much as possible. I don't want to know, la la la, fingers in ears. But she's excited. She wants to talk to him on the phone. "Great. Guess I'll wait to go in that room. For a few hours." She wants to talk to our roommate about it. "Great. Guess I'll leave the room, then."

It's irritating, but it keeps the amount of time I am sitting there tensed up to a minimum. And I don't think it's gonna help me get over it.

I have all sorts of stupid changes running through my head. I could move out until she loses interest. I could just say I can't deal with polyamory. I could just say "no men," but then I'm a dick, because she got over me being with another woman. I can drink. That last one, being temporary, has won a few times this week.

I'm trying really damn hard to sort this out really damn fast. She can slow things down physically and such, but no one picks the speed at which feelings develop. I'm gonna feel like a real dick if I can't get over it. But it took me a couple months to realize it, and strong feelings have developed.
 
It doesn't seem uncommon. Heck, I (a woman) was implicitly told I should feel free to date/sleep with other women before I was even in a polyamorous relationship. (I'm straight though, so tough luck!)

I think it's important for you to try and understand what your jealousy is telling you. You say you're angry, and apparently at the other guys. Are you feeling like:

- They're preying on her?
- They will hurt her?
- They're trying to take something away from you?

I think if you manage to identify what exactly is causing these feelings, it will be easier to deal with them, because you will be able to contrast them with facts.
 
It's not that I am afraid they will hurt her, although I obviously don't want that. If I seriously thought that they would hurt her, I'd say no on those grounds, and not feel bad, or at least not like I should try to do differently.

Honestly, for whatever reason, when she tries to date a guy, suddenly my emotions revert to caveman. "THREAT! VIOLENCE!" (Once again restating that I'm not gonna hurt anyone, just how I feel.)

I can make a really good case to myself for about three different reasons, good enough that I believe it myself, and am pretty sure that's why, but if I can do that with three different reasons, then I'm probably just rationalizing, which is pretty useless when trying to fix it.

I could make a perfectly good case that it's fear and insecurity. I could make the case that I'm an asshole, and it's a territory thing, and that's mine. I could make a case for it being simple jealousy. I've pretty well convinced myself of each of these in turn, which is a fun set of emotions and realizations. :rolleyes:

For example, the argument for jealousy is based on the fact that I can't get and stay mad at women very well, anyway. The thought of yelling at or, even worse, violence towards them is so deeply ingrained that I can't be mad at women for very long, even when I am pretty sure I was right. So is it then just jealousy, but I am screwed up towards women, and so I just don't feel it? If so, the jealousy would be the NORMAL part of all this.

One of my favorite phrases is it always seems sane from the inside. I can't tell what is wrong with me, so I can't work on it in any way that matters.
 
I don't see why there can't be more than one reason. For instance, jealousy caused by fear and insecurity.

Then the question becomes, what exactly are you afraid of? What's making you feel insecure?
 
Have you thought about getting to know the guy that she's interested in? Sometimes meeting a real person can go a long way to defusing the imaginary threat or the bigger than human portrayal that your mind makes up about him.

Part of the difficulty might be that with another man there's the opportunity to make direct comparisons between you and him. You know better than anyone else that you're going to be able to pick out those omega characteristics in yourself much easier than anyone else would be able to see. At the same time, you wouldn't necessarily see those same characteristics in another man. Therefore, if you compare yourself with the information that you have, you're setting yourself up to lose.

If you don't think you can handle a meeting in person right now, try emailing back and forth to get an idea of what he's all about. Look for similarities between the two of you. Seeing something similar in him is a good reminder about what she sees in you.
 
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