My married bf told everyone at work I'm his gf! Should I deny it?

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spreadlovelikefire

New member
Hi! I'm a newbie, it's great to have found this forum.

Well, next week I'll be starting work at a family-friendly theme/amusement park. My boyfriend (who's married to someone else) has been working at the same location I'll be working at and is very open with his lifestyle, meaning he has told ALL of our co-workers that he is married and has a girlfriend and has even shown pictures of he and I together to some of them. He's even told this information to our managers, too! It's safe to say that everyone there knows about me, and even though they're all monogamous, my bf said they have reacted well to his stories of our arrangement. I can't be mad at him for telling them because a couple months back when he started telling them I wasn't planning on working there and he thought they'd never meet me.

When I first found out that I was going to be placed in that location, I felt ok with the co-workers and managers knowing about us. But after realizing that because I'm living in a very conservative state within a mostly Christian society, many of my coworkers and managers won't understand it the way us poly people do and will look at me as a whore, a side-piece, a homewrecker, and a side-chick, even though they may not tell my bf that to his face. And I'm afraid this will hinder me from moving up in the company, which is something I was really hoping to do. Realistically speaking, would management at this kid-oriented, family-friendly company think it'd be wise to place someone who is dating a married man in a position of leadership?

I can't transfer out of the location for 6 months, and since it'd be hard to pretend I'm someone else since I have a unique name and some of the co-workers have seen my picture already, I was thinking about telling co-workers who recognize me a story like this,

"I'm new to the poly lifestyle and am still dealing with negative emotions about dating someone who's married. So I've decided to slow things down and just be friends with him until I get to know him, his wife, and the poly lifestyle better."

What do you guys think? Good story? Should I come up with a different story? Has anybody else have to deal with anything similar? Any other suggestions?

Thanks
 
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Why assume the worst before you've even met these people? I think telling the lie that you are NOT seeing him is just about the worst thing you can do. Not to mention hurtful to your boyfriend.
 
tenK said:
Why assume the worst before you've even met these people? I think telling the lie that you are NOT seeing him is just about the worst thing you can do. Not to mention hurtful to your boyfriend.
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I understand why it could be hurtful to my boyfriend, which I will address with him, but why do you think it'd be "the worst thing I can do" ?
 
Lying is hard. Keeping up a daily pretence is hard. And like it or not, the truth has a habit of coming out anyway. If that happens and these future co-workers really are as horrible as you fear that they are, not only will they think you're a whore, but a liar too. Even if you do manage to keep it under wraps, if they're as bad as you fear then they're going to have already judged you anyway and you'll have to go out of your way to convince them that you 'made a mistake'. Do you really want to be denying your relationship each and every day just to try to please some ignorant haters?

Let's imagine a less toxic scenario. Let's imagine that these people are more open-minded than you fear (as your boyfriend, who knows them already, already testifies to). If your lie comes out, then they'll think you are ashamed of your relationship in some way and/or judging them as being horrible/not worthy of really getting to know you (which you are). If they buy your lie, then you are cutting these people, some of whom could turn into friends one day, out of your life for no good reason. Either way, lying is a pretty crap solution to your issue. And I would remind you again, that you don't even know if it's an issue yet. Right now the only person being judgemental is you. :)
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I get that it isn't easy to be "pre-outted" when you don't want to be out.

But rather than assuming negative intent on the part of coworkers you have never met, and operating out of a fear based place... how about just going to work for the first 6 mos and see how it is? Not say anything at all?

Later if you still feel the need to "fake break up" go over it with the BF at that point in time. Or plan to transfer, or whatever it is you need to do. But then you are operating from a place of knowing these people and what's what. Right now it seems you are projecting your own fears about being "bad for being poly" on to the other people you don't even know.

But I think if you want to be promoted at work to leadership positions, don't show up at work lying first day about stuff. That doesn't sound good if you get caught out in a lie. Being professional and focussing on work -- that's something else. Which might help you advance.

So I'd just "pass the bean dip." Say minimal and change the topic back to work stuff.

If you are asked,

"Yes. He's my BF. So tell me about the break schedule here..."

"Yes. We date. So tell me about parking here...."

Galagirl
 
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He really should have asked you what your comfort level is with being "out" before he blabbed to everyone. What you could do, if people ask questions, is to simply say, "That is a rather personal question, and I prefer to keep my private life private. So I hope you understand if I do not answer questions until we know each other better."
 
Ugh. Yeah, I wouldn't lie. If it is an issue, go for that transfer. Otherwise, be truthful. You can always just confirm - yes, we date and his wife is fine with it - and then change the subject. There's no need to be gossipy about your relationship.
 
spreadlovelikefire said:
Well, next week I'll be starting work at a family-friendly theme/amusement park. My boyfriend (who's married to someone else) has been working at the same location I'll be working at and is very open with his lifestyle, meaning he has told ALL of our co-workers that he is married and has a girlfriend and has even shown pictures of he and I together to some of them. He's even told this information to our managers, too! It's safe to say that everyone there knows about me, and even though they're all monogamous, my bf said they have reacted well to his stories of our arrangement.
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Do you trust your boyfriend to tell you the truth? If he says they have reacted well, maybe you could give them a chance before you assume they are all close minded just because they are monogamous or because of where they live. I don't believe that lies are ever a solution to a problem.

spreadlovelikefire said:
But after realizing that because I'm living in a very conservative state within a mostly Christian society, many of my coworkers and managers won't understand it the way us poly people do...
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Just because someone lives in a conservative area or practices a certain religion doesn't automatically mean they are closed to other lifestyles and choices. Aren't you kind of doing to them what you don't want them to do to you? (judging them for their lifestyle without even knowing them)
 
Sam and I work for the same company (him 3 years, me 5) everyone knows I'm married and have kids with nate and everyone accepts our relationship. It hasn't been an issue at all.
 
My concern about lying is that it would seem to pre-validate (before even knowing if the other folks feel this way) that you *are* the "other woman" and it de-legitimizes your relationship.

They may be fine with it if you're matter-of-fact about it and validate that yep, you're his GF. They may think something's wrong if you act like something's wrong.
 
YouAreHere said:
My concern about lying is that it would seem to pre-validate (before even knowing if the other folks feel this way) that you *are* the "other woman" and it de-legitimizes your relationship.

They may be fine with it if you're matter-of-fact about it and validate that yep, you're his GF. They may think something's wrong if you act like something's wrong.
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Yeah I couldn't be in the closet or with someone I had to sneak around with.
 
Hi spreadlovelikefire,

Re (from OP):
"Realistically speaking, would management at this kid-oriented, family-friendly company think it'd be wise to place someone who is dating a married man in a position of leadership?"
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Maybe. But that's not exactly the point right now. To deny it would be to try to defuse a bomb that's already gone off. People know you and your photo's been circulated. If you want to minimize the possible damage, the best way to do it in my opinion is to act like it's no big deal (cause it's not) and not mention it unless you're asked or at least unless it comes up in a conversation.

Re:
"It's safe to say that everyone there knows about me, and even though they're all monogamous, my boyfriend said they have reacted well to his stories of our arrangement."
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In which case, you're probably over-worrying. But even if you're not, the bomb's already gone off. Denying it now would make you look dishonest (on top of looking like a whore, sidepiece, homewrecker, side-chick, or whatever). The best thing you can do now is demonstrate that you're a hard worker, valuable employee, and good organizer. Those values should be what the higher-ups look at when they consider you for promotion. If they don't, they don't. Not much you can do about that at this point.

Re:
"I'm new to the poly lifestyle and am still dealing with negative emotions about dating someone who's married. So I've decided to slow things down and just be friends with him until I get to know him, his wife, and the poly lifestyle better."
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Would that be the truth?

And even if it was, it makes it sound like you're straining to downplay (and devalue) the poly dynamic in your life. If people think you're straining to downplay (and devalue) something, they're likely to get all the more curious (even suspicious). Again I think your best option is to answer questions mildly, honestly, and above all succinctly ... to not bring it up unless asked, and to treat it like it's no bigger of a deal than any monogamous relationship would be.

Anyway that's my take on the matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
spreadlovelikefire said:
"the worst thing I can do" ?
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It's been answered, but I wanted to chime in with my agreement. Lying is stressful and if you have the option I'd suggest you be yourself. If you're worried that you won't be accepted then, as others have suggested, play it close to the chest until you figure out who you are working with. If you identify some allies then be open and honest with them and let everyone else go about their merry way.
 
Thank you ALL for your responses! The consensus was NOT to lie, and I took your advice. I've been acting like it's no big deal. I have heard that people in my work location have been gossiping and saying mean things and it really hurt me at first, but now I'm not letting it get to me. There are also people at work who know but still accept me with open arms. And that makes me really happy. This is my first experience being "out" in a non-poly setting and I think the experience is a good experience for me to have on my road to being openly poly to everyone. Hiding who you are is exhausting.

Again, thank you :)
 
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Glad you're feeling a bit more comfortable with the situation.
 
It's all well and good that things are pretty calm at the workplace and no bad repercussions came of it, however... did you ever speak to your boyfriend about the fact that he outed you without your permission? Really, why did he do that? Seems a bit disrespectful or oblivious of personal boundaries if he didn't even think to clear it with you first. I hope you have brought it up with him.
 
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I don't know, nycindie, if he didn't think that the OP would be working there, isn't it his right to out himself as desired? That seems like his call. Now if he knew you'd be working there, that's a different story. I guess I'm not sure of what expectation he had around you working there...
 
Oh, I missed the part about him not knowing she'd be working there when he told everybody. I thought he did it in anticipation of her being there.

Still, I think it's a good idea for people to discuss in the early stages of a poly arrangement just how "out" they are willing to be, and in what situations, before anyone goes around blabbing. Just so everyone is on the same page and no one is caught off-guard or made to feel awkward in certain settings.
 
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