My Old Flames Make My Heart Swoon (cont.)


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I thought I should update here, since I've talked so much on the introduction page, but I finally had a talk with Zero.

I honestly try not to bring up my polyamory too too much around anyone, because it's so weird and widely unaccepted in some groups I'm in. But my closest friends know I'm poly and in a closed relationship with Zero, and those even closer know that I still like Tony.

Yes, Zero and I have been dating for ten years, but during the five-year mark we'd split for several months, in 2019. We have a cat together but I couldn't take him with me because of my living situation with my mom. I'd end up visiting the fur baby a lot, because he didn't take the breakup very well and was showing extreme signs of aggression and depression.

I had tried open dating when we were apart, but I didn't put much heart into it because I still had a lot of anxiety towards sex and living at my mom's, and every guy felt like a rebound.

In 2020, Zero said he didn't want us to be separated anymore. It was at this time that I accepted his apology and gave mine as well, because I was really bad at starting an open relationship and I hurt him a lot in the process. We cried and talked over three blunts that night. I listened to his anxieties about his past girlfriends, about feeling left out, and about being abandoned while people laughed behind his back.

I told him how, even though it didn't make a lot of sense to me, I can't just turn off the ability to catch feelings for someone, and that I'd always feel like I wasn't doing enough for him because of him feeling bad about it... And it felt a lot like how my family and my mom would keep me from being myself and restricting how I did my art and express myself. I didn't want to be restricted. I didn't want to cause pain. We couldn't be together until he accepted that this is what I am.

I told him I loved him very much, and even though I saw us getting married and having children and going on round-the-world trips, I truly don't see it happening unless I had my second life partner with me. I told him I'd wait for as long as it takes for it to make sense to him, but I was going to remind him as much as possible that I was polyamorous, and I would fall in love with someone else, but it would never mean I loved him less.

That was how we ended that "hiccup" years ago. It's been almost five years since, and we're coming up on the ten year anniversary. I talked to Zero this morning about this site and how some comments about breaking up and leaving him remind me of the friends I'm not talking to at the moment. I told him that I still love and care for him, and that I don't want to leave him, but I'm leaning on there being no choice left. I said "I try not to bombard you with my feelings all the time because I know it sucked hearing it in the past..." Then I told him I still liked Tony. I told him I wished that he and Zero could at least be friends. And that it never had to be as extreme as having a threesome, like he so feared, but that I could just have a relationship with Tony, and a relationship with Zero.

Then he said he always knew. He said, from the day Tony and I broke up, he always knew. And that he's been trying to sort himself since we've gotten back together. When I asked him if he'd ever let me date anyone (forget Tony, but anyone!) he said he only got as far as accepting that I'd have to be with one person with some rules. And I almost cried... because that's literally all I wanted.

I told him my own rules of PDA and fluid-swapping prevention, and he told me rules about media and what could be shared. He also mentioned wanting to write down some ideas to share with me and I hugged him and said it'd make me happy if we did. Zero and I have also been discussing getting a house for his family, since his mom is reaching the end of the line, and I ended up telling him my plans of building an extended family again. I love having these bittersweet conversations with Zero. I'm so scared of rejection, but he comforts me the entire time while listening and allowing me to be open about my feelings. This is nothing like my mom hahaha.

I told Zero if we ever got that house, I'd like to pass a spare key to Tony. He said "I figured." And then I confessed that I'd still want to try again with Tony. And something tells me he wouldn't mind it either.

Zero said, "That's kind of a conversation you'd need to have with him..." And I explained that Zero needs to be in it too, because neither one of us can initiate any level of intimacy out of fear of him. Tony and I have been struggling to define specific lines in our friendship. Before Zero, we'd roleplay over text together (NOTHING CRAZY, IT WAS VERY PG, Y'ALL. STILL IS) and joke like brother and sister. As we've gotten more comfortable again, it just slips into our conversations. I love that both our imaginations are still as vivid as before, but I can't help but feel wrong. Zero doesn't like when I roleplay with others... I feel bad because my PG roleplay with a guy I have real feelings for might be taken the wrong way by my main life partner.

Zero said he didn't want to be in our relationship and I said that it was fine, but there needs to be some reassurance or discussion because of past events that led to all of us being separated. And then his alarm went off and he had to go to work. He kissed my hands and my forehead, something he does to reassure me, and told me he loves when I open up to him and tell him what's on my mind, and that while it might not happen tonight or tomorrow, we can figure out how to accept Tony again. I told Zero I don't want to tell Tony I wanted to date him until we had come up with a solid plan to deal with his jealousy and loneliness, because I won't be able to save Zero from himself all the time if I'm trying to build a relationship with someone else. He agreed wholeheartedly and got dressed. I believe when he gets home from work, we'll talk more about rules and I might even bring up asking Tony to be my partner again.

I didn't tell Zero that Tony and I already discussed something like this a couple weeks ago.

We had our own conversation where I was explaining why I was spacing out our time together. I feel like Tony is something of a distraction, in that, if I spend too much or too little time with him I never get anything done. I told him it was just me feeling nostalgic and sentimental because he's around, but then he said he felt the exact same way, which opened up the discussion of if we could date again. Both men already know that I want to build a family with them specifically, no one else, and now I'm finding out from Tony that he may be experiencing some form of compersion, in that he truly wants to see me grow and conquer and build, and he loves everything about my drive, and I'm not gonna lie, I started throwing up rainbows. xDD

But then I told him this is why I think we should spend less time together, because we're both on the same page with our feelings and aspirations, but it seems so unfair to Zero that he's not there yet. To think that I might leave him for Tony makes me feel incredibly icky, like the thing I was trying to avoid was gonna happen anyway. But he gets it. I didn't have to explain and wait for years, unlike with Zero. I just told him I'm poly and he understood. Even now, he still does!

I'm just glad I finally talked to Zero about wanting to be with Tony. It's so hard to be honest with him because I'm afraid he'll feel abandoned, and I am NOT trying to add to his trauma. Not saying anything is just as hard as saying something, but I took that leap, and now I have a better understanding again.
I finally told Zero about the role playing.

It was eating me up, not gonna lie. When it had started, I had made sure to allow Zero to peak over my shoulder a few times to see that it was harmless and nothing explicit. He didn't make any comments about what he saw the entire time. This was non verbal communication between us for the three days I role played with Tony. A couple days ago I finally said it with my own words what we're doing and Zero told me he knew because I was making it obvious. I asked him if he was jealous and he said yes. But before I could become sad, he went on to explain that I haven't sent him long text messages like that in years. And he even pointed out that we haven't sent each other anything but memes and videos lately. I had to remind him that we did try text RP years ago, and how his grammar was so bad it was hard for me to respond, and more importantly how when I tried to explain this to him he responded by saying "I'm not writing a whole essay for you" which severely broke any effort I had to explain role playing because... That's the point? If he didn't want to write, he didn't have to!

But the role play with Tony made us start discussing rules for polyamory even more. I further explained my PDA rule, in that since I live with Zero and I expect Tony to find his way back home, I wanted to give some leeway so that Tony and I could cuddle or hold hands and just be loving towards each other but also not so much that Zero gets jealous or feel lonely. Zero told me he still has some things to figure out but his only rule was that if we did send pictures to each other it can't have our faces in it. Which, I already knew the rule itself was based out of trauma, but hearing it explained gave me a deeper understanding of what exactly scared him with his ex girlfriends. We both agreed that Tony cannot sleep over anymore, since we're discussing moving back in with Zero's mother and we know she isn't about this life whatsoever. But also, it's okay while we're still in our own home because no one's judgy here hahaha

Zero has even suggested he might date too, but he's still trying to wrap his head around letting me breathe. His words. I still get so scared of talking to him. Since the day we started dating, Zero has always been calm and understanding and listening with all his ears and heart to me and just me. He lets me be myself, except for when it compromises his beliefs... And even then he loves and cares for me so much he makes/continues to make efforts to hear me out. I'm glad I waited and kept talking. Even though it's hard. Cuz he's finally coming around.

I do find it funny how things have played out so far.... Zero isn't leaving my side for shit. Tony wants to stay in my life just as much I want to stay in his. And I just want to give Zero everything he's given me and more. If the men start becoming friends, then my polyamory snowball will blossom into a loving Closed Poly Family Avalanche like I've always wanted lol
Like, thanks Barbie (fake name) and your holier than thou "You're Doing Polygamy Wrong" bullshit last year. I keep using that phrase to stoke the fire that is "Fuck You And Your Perfect Life." And actually go about things as properly I can, even though the wise option is to break up with Zero and move on from Tony.

Side bar: I brushed Zeros beard for the first time in a few years. I left him to deal with his beard by himself so I could focus on my job, and then I had to quit because of bullying from my manager, and then I signed up for school. I just didn't have the time. I thought he could handle it himself but it looked like he cut his beard all wrong last week and I was annoyed. Ever since I stopped maintaining his beard it lost its lush and softness. After half an hour of brushing and cream and oils, it looked revived and happy. I gave him all the kisses and apologized for letting his beard slip in quality knowing the only reason his family let him keep it was because I made it look nice. We made plans to go back to Spa Day Tuesdays where I pamper him and clean him up after a long week of working. We both always found this thing enjoyable, and when talking about the possibility of me dating Tony, we talked about it being an us thing. Zero mentioned feeling a little down and jealous if I were to start doing Tony's hair and I had to tell him I never thought of doing Tony's hair the way I think about him. If it comes up, it comes up, but also I was dating Zero for some months before I started pampering him. I just never thought about until now.
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I :love: the beard care pampering story! It prompted me to post A Bedtime Story in my own blog.

Suggestion: you could post a link to your intro thread here so that people can easily find the back story to your blog.

(Also, note that in the Blogs section we are supposed to refrain from commenting unless it is requested - it is your protected space.)
Thank you for your comment and reassurance, @JaneQSmythe
I felt like I haven't been documenting my life due to fear of doubt creeping in, but reading that gave me more confidence in myself. ❤️❤️