Hii, I'm new here. My partner recently "broke up"(I don't like that term for this situation). he's down about it. and I'm finding myself incredibly depressed over it. I'm fairly new to polyamory so forgive me for being naive, but is it normal to feel so sad about this?! I guess I just didn't expect it.
Sure, you never know how it's going to affect you when your partner breaks up with your metamour, it's definitely going to affect you more than you would think it would. You are having a sympathetic reaction to your partner's pain, you do not like to see him like this. This is a grieving process, it will not happen overnight. I'm very sorry this is happening to you.
Hii, I'm new here. My partner recently "broke up"(I don't like that term for this situation). he's down about it. and I'm finding myself incredibly depressed over it. I'm fairly new to polyamory so forgive me for being naive, but is it normal to feel so sad about this?! I guess I just didn't expect it.
It sounds very normal to be sad when your partner is going through something that’s making them very down. “Incredibly depressed” might mean you’ve got other stuff going on than just caring about your partner’s pain. Or it might just be the way you process this kind of grief?
Either way, the intensity of those words kinda flag me to suggest you could talk to someone who can help you sort out the low feelings. Not your partner, because he’s in the middle of it, and maybe not even just a friend — sometimes people don’t see “secondhand grief” as having legitimacy. But your feelings are real. Someone nonjudgmental and good at listening might be able to help you tease out why it’s hitting you so hard. See a professional counselor if you don’t have a trusted pal who is guaranteed to skip the judgment and hear your pain.
It sounds very normal to be sad when your partner is going through something that’s making them very down. “Incredibly depressed” might mean you’ve got other stuff going on than just caring about your partner’s pain. Or it might just be the way you process this kind of grief?
Either way, the intensity of those words kinda flag me to suggest you could talk to someone who can help you sort out the low feelings. Not your partner, because he’s in the middle of it, and maybe not even just a friend — sometimes people don’t see “secondhand grief” as having legitimacy. But your feelings are real. Someone nonjudgmental and good at listening might be able to help you tease out why it’s hitting you so hard. See a professional counselor if you don’t have a trusted pal who is guaranteed to skip the judgment and hear your pain.
Thank you for your kind words. I do think there were contributing things adding to how I felt. I feel things big. I always have. I've talked to a friend and have been doing a lot of journaling, which have been been very beneficial.
One of my partners is into thinking about how a new person might be a friend, might be good for her other partners, etc. She has to calm it down because she starts setting expectations too early, before there is real stability in the relationship even. She's aware of this and actively tries to stay uninvolved (perhaps 'lightly involved' is better...like, light questions, but no deep thoughts about it) to avoid this. I'm not blaming you at all for your feelings, of course. I'm saying that your feelings are normal. You got excited a bit too, and now that it's over, it hurts you too. I'm sorry about that.
Ah, okay, the breakup was about her own other relationship.
Maybe you liked what you'd heard about this metamour, and maybe now you're a little concerned about who your next metamour will be, when your partner is ready to date someone new? I have sometimes been disappointed when my partner had a breakup because I always think, "Oh, I liked her, what if I don't like his next partner?"
It's not particularly rational, but I also think it's normal. Most of us aren't raised to have reasonable reactions to missing out on things or getting bad news. I didn't learn how to be a good receiver of bad news until much later in my life, and that was in-spite of how I was raised and conditioned for most of my life.
Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're feeling, and I say let yourself experience the feeling. Also importantly, I hope that you use it as an opportunity to do some introspection about why that emotion is hitting you the way that it is. Sadness about something that could have potentially happened, but didn't happen, isn't a valuable use of your energy. It's a worthwhile journey to get better at dealing with the world on it's own terms, and only spending our energy on the things that we can actually control.
