My partner of 8 years might be poly, but I'm not sure if I am?

[EmpressReese]

Hi everyone! I posted this as well under introductions last night, I'm sorry for the repost! I figured this was kind of a lot to put as an introduction, so that this might be the better board for it.

My name is Reese! I'm new to the world of polyamory, and I have a lot of questions. I've been in a complicated, on/off relationship with a boy (let's call him Cyrus), for 8 years now. We've been together since we were 14, and although things have been complicated in the past primarily due to mental health reasons, I love him unconditionally. We're currently in an open relationship.

About 8 months ago, I found out that Cyrus had taken a secret trip to meet a girl that he had met online. I was devastated. I had slowly been regaining trust in him following many years of mental-health-related lying and fighting. I felt like it was a complete betrayal of my trust, when I was already having a hard time regaining trust in him in the first place.

I got in contact with the girl he had gone to see, because she seemed totally enamored with him based on her blog, and I didn't want to see her get hurt in the same way that I had. She was initially devastated as well, because he's incredibly sweet and easy to trust, and she couldn't believe that there was so much she didn't know before he came to visit her. We bonded quickly, and actually hit it off really well despite the circumstances.

However, during the weeks and months following, things got more difficult. Cyrus found out that we were speaking, and although he didn't stop us, once he found out a lot of jealousy came between me and her. It was hard to trust the other and to trust him, and to not feel like either of us were "disposable" to him since he had the other. After a while me and her stopped talking, because there was way too much distrust to maintain any sort of healthy relationship. However, before a lot of the distrust had come in, me and her had discussed polyamarous relationships, and if the 3 of us would be capable of having one. When she brought it up to Cyrus as a possibility, who at this point had known he might be poly for over a year, he got nervous and completely discounted me to her instead of considering a triad relationship. He later apologized to both me and her for being dishonest about my and his relationship.

We stopped talking about 6 months ago, but last week began talking again. During that time Cyrus had been romantically involved with both of us, without me and her knowing of it. She is 5 hours away, so he has not seen her since the first time he met her, but he had been texting/calling/sending Christmas gifts during that time, without my knowledge, and while telling me that I was the only person he was involved with. She, likewise, was not aware that me and him were seeing each other daily during this time.

When her and I started talking last week, it was a pretty big (but slightly expected) shock to us both that we didn't realize the full extent that he was lying. She confronted him about it, and he came clean about absolutely everything. He fully explained his relationship with me, and told me of his relationship with her. And for the last week, he's been very open and honest about everything, and has been incredibly receptive to everything that we've both had to say. He knows that he's completely destroyed both of our trust in him, and he wants to earn it back, and seems to be taking the steps to do so.

But anyway, aside from my relationship with him, me and her actually have a lot of chemistry. From the second we started talking again, it was like we had never stopped. I have only ever been romantically interested in one other person, while also being romantically involved with Cyrus, but nothing ever came of it. So I'm not sure what to do. I believe myself to be monogamous, but also recognize that I am very romantically involved with Cyrus, but still have some level of feelings for her as well. And he (despite the lying about multiple relationships until this point) loves both of us dearly. I believe that she is in the same boat I am, about not knowing whether or not she's monogamous or poly since meeting me. We do discuss it occasionally, but the conversation is an overwhelming one that's taking a lot of time to unfold. What we did make a small breakthrough on in the last few days was that me and her are comfortable with one another, but would not want to get involved with anyone other than him and each other. I brought up very subtley with him and asked if he would theoretically abide by the wishes of his partner(s) if they did not want him to get involved with anyone else, and he said that he would and would always abide by his partners' feelings and wishes in a poly relationship.

While I haven't discussed with Cyrus having a triad relationship, I do believe that it could be a possibility in the future, depending on the comfort levels of her and I with each other, once we meet in person in the near future.

So, I guess.. now what? I have no idea whether I'm capable of a polyamarous relationship. I love him, and recognize that there is a lot of trust that would have to be regained in order for that to be a possibility at all.

I'm just not sure what to do. And I'm worried that if I were to eventually go into a poly relationship with him, if it were not to work out, we would never be able to have a monogamous relationship again. And what if he were to pick the other partner over me, if things didn't work out?

I feel so lost and confused, and incredibly scared for the future. When I imagine the future if I were to be in a poly relationship, I know for a fact that I would lose the support of most of my family. As would Cyrus. And on a side note, I may be capable of having a triad relationship where all 3 of us are involved, but I would definitely not be capable of being in a relationship with him while he had other girlfriends (so I'm not okay with V, but a triangle might be okay).

I'm so sorry for the ridiculously long post!!! Any help that anyone could provide would be appreciated. I've been reading a lot of stories and articles on the internet. Some have been helpful, and others have made me even more nervous for the future.

TLDR; My (potentially poly) boyfriend and I have an open relationship, and he went to meet someone 8 months ago without her and I knowing of each other. We found out and started talking, and may be developing feelings for one another. I love him, but I'm not sure how I feel about her yet, and I don't know that I'm capable of polyamory. What now?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Reese,

I think you're poly, at least to some extent, but you're afraid of being poly, you're aware of many of the things that could go wrong. On some level I think you do want a triad relationship. And it's not the other girl but rather Cyrus himself who is the main obstacle. Forget about trying to trust him again, I'm not sure he should ever be trusted. He seems to me like a deeply dishonest person. He has bad habits that might take forever to overcome. Certainly they won't be overcome anytime soon.

Sorry, I don't mean to be a wet blanket. Just addressing the situation as I see it, given the information posted. I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[tenK]

It sounds like you guys have some way to go before considering opening up the relationship. Trust doesn't get rebuilt overnight, and until you and he are on better footing, it seems like asking for trouble to consider either of you dating others right now. What do you need from him in order to rebuild trust? This is what I think you need to deal with first. How do you get to a place where him dating others (this girl, or someone else) feels good and not like another betrayal?

Then you move onto considering whether or not you want to also date people. In all honesty, it's not required. The key thing with any relationship is not that everyone gets the same thing, but that everyone gets what they need and want. If you are monogamous, that doesn't mean you can't be in an open or poly relationship. It just means you prefer to have just the one romantic/sexual relationship yourself. Of course, a great many people who are monogamous also prefer to date people like them, but it's certainly not a requirement, and mono/poly combinations can work if it's what both partners want.

This is the bit in your story that raises the red flag for me though:

And on a side note, I may be capable of having a triad relationship where all 3 of us are involved, but I would definitely not be capable of being in a relationship with him while he had other girlfriends (so I'm not okay with V, but a triangle might be okay).

A triad relationship is a bunch of V relationships all stacked up. It's not (you and him) dating her, it's you dating him and him dating her, and also you dating her and her dating him, as well as her dating you and you dating him. You are three people. Not a couple plus one. So what is it, specifically, that makes you feel better about him dating her if you're also getting to date her, rather than either 1) him dating her and you dating no one, or 2) him dating her and you finding your own awesome other person to date?

My feeling is that if you follow yourself down the rabbit hole of understanding why these are your knee-jerk feelings, you are going to find that you have some pretty entrenched assumptions about relationships that you are going to need to challenge STRONGLY in order to get to a place where this is all going to feel good for you. This, and the rest of the website (there is also a book of the same name by the same people) is a good place to start: https://www.morethantwo.com/relationshipassumptions.html

I would caution you against jumping into this unless you can see a positive benefit to being in an open relationship that goes above and beyond just wanting to stay in a relationship with this man. It requires a lot of deprogramming of societal expectations - which can be a painful journey. Looking back on my own path, some of those societal expectations now feel really toxic to me, and I'm glad I ditched them. Other ideas I examined and realised still resonated with me and so I kept them. However, it was bloody hard work, especially if you have a partner who is anxiously nipping at your heels wanting to go and date and fuck and fall in love with all the people right now because that's what they realise they want and need in their life…and you are playing catchup with your emotions and dismantling some pretty significant core values. This is why you've got to want to do it for you, and not for him. If you do some more research into polyamory, and find aspects appealing, ask yourself if you'd want to still do it even if your relationship with him implodes. If the answer is yes, I'd still like to attempt it even if my relationship cannot be saved, then I think that's a good basis for success. If the answer is that if your relationship ended tomorrow, you'd have no desire to challenge any of your insecurities or relationship expectations because you are pretty happy with them and feel just fine, then consider your next step very carefully.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I mean all this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear.

I don't think continuing to date Cyrus is a good idea. Your post was exhausting to read. I can only imagine how emotionally exhausted you might feel living it.


I am sorry to read that you love him unconditionally. Does that means you love him more than you love yourself and you are willing to damage your own health and well being to stay in his orbit even when he has destroyed your trust?

If so, then I am sad and wish you held yourself in higher regard than you hold Cyrus.

I think you can love someone a whole lot. Even up to 49%. But the other 51% has to be for you. So you don't let your soft feelings for someone tempt you into choices/behavior that can lead to hurting your own self.

I think you have been letting your soft feelings for Cyrus lead you down a painful path. Maybe because he was the first BF ever at 14 years old. Maybe you hadn't sorted out all your beliefs about what you want from your dating relationships or you had 14 yr old ideas then that don't fit 22 yr old you any more.

FWIW? In my opinion? He doesn't sound healthy for you to date.

From your post it sounds like you don't trust him any more. It's been destroyed. There's been a lot of lies and what sounds like cheating here. Those are good reasons to END things with somebody. These are not good reasons to CONTINUE with someone. What about these behaviors is "loving behavior" to you?

If he's destroyed the trust you had in him... you could stop taking him back. Make your peace with that rather than turn yourself into pretzels trying to cling to the relationship. To be honest, the whole "Let's triad" idea sounds like both you and the other woman are in bargaining stages of grief. Not quite at final acceptance that Cyrus is a poor dating partner and that letting him go is the healthiest thing to do. Still trying to make it "work" somehow.

He knows that he's completely destroyed both of our trust in him, and he wants to earn it back, and seems to be taking the steps to do so.

Well, if you are about to walk away? And he enjoys what he GETS from you, why wouldn't he LIE some more to try to suck you back in so he keeps getting stuff from you?

Just because he does some steps? Doesn't mean you have to take him back. It's ok to be done. Even if he does steps. You could wish him well in his next relationships and hope he's learned how to treat future partner better. But you? You can be done.

I do not see how starting a new thing with Cyrus would be great for you.

I'm just not sure what to do. And I'm worried that if I were to eventually go into a poly relationship with him, if it were not to work out, we would never be able to have a monogamous relationship again. And what if he were to pick the other partner over me, if things didn't work out?

Would this also be the first break up ever? Is that why it frightens you so much?

Break ups are not fun, but neither are they the end of the world. I think you could accept he's destroyed trust. I think you could break up with him as a consequence. If you break up with him? You would feel sad at the start of break up, mourn the loss, come to terms, and in time you would be healed and feel better. Then you would move on to date other people. You would cope and get on with your adult life.

You've been dating a guy since you were 14 years old who's been a chronic liar and damages your trust a lot. How would it be horrible to move on from this pattern of behavior and seek something healthier for yourself?

If you want to poly -- you can explore that. Just maybe not with Cyrus in your network because he sounds like a lot of exhausting drama.

If you want to poly date the other woman and she wants to date you? Go ahead. But Cyrus doesn't have to be in that poly network because he's destroyed trust already. Disqualified himself.

But if you two gals are planning a Closed Triad mostly because you are in the bargain stage of grief? And thinking of forming this triad so he finally behaves himself after he's treated you both poorly and lied so much? That is you two trying to control Cyrus' behavior. Which does not work. Cyrus is the one who controls his own behaviors. He just chooses not to exercise self control.

If you just don't trust the guy any more, make your peace with that. And then stop entrusting him with your heart. That's what I mean about loving someone a whole lot -- even 49%. But keeping the 51% for you so you aren't setting yourself up for new dings.

I brought up very subtley with him and asked if he would theoretically abide by the wishes of his partner(s) if they did not want him to get involved with anyone else, and he said that he would and would always abide by his partners' feelings and wishes in a poly relationship.

His past behaviors led to destruction of trust. Why would you believe anything new he says at this point?

I am going to guess. I might guess wrong. It's like your conflict is internal.

• I feel bad dating Cyrus because I don't trust him and he hurts me.
• I feel bad thinking about breaking up with Cyrus because thinking about breaking up hurts me.
  • I've dated him since 14 yrs old. That's all I know.
  • And at least it is familiar hurt. Where breaking up with him is scary unknown stuff.

If that is what is happening here?

If you know you are monoamorous and monogamous? That means you want to love only 1 sweetie and you want your romances to be 2 people networks max. If what you really want is monogamous shaped relationships, why buy a triad shape one? It's not shopping at the right store.

If you only want to do a Closed Triad to make sure Cyrus "doesn't leave me" -- well... it isn't like polyamory is automatically "cheat proof" or "break up proof." You telling yourself a Closed Triad is "like monogamy but with 3" is telling yourself a story. It is simply the easiest thing to imagine -- Like it is "the original couple plus one. Just a bit more."

The reality? Triad models are the hardest to practice -- they are like 3 V's stacked up together and often implode. People discover that mere willingness to go there doesn't automatically translate into ability to practice it together.

There can also be cheaters in poly arrangements -- you can look on these forums to see example posts where poly partners have cheated on agreements. It isn't like poly is magically "cheat proof."

What stops people from lying, cheating or treating partners poorly is the character of the person. If they have good character and if they have integrity. That means their "talk" matches their "walk." They are trustworthy because they keep their Word and back up their talk with consistent, reliable actions. Not say one thing and do another.

Here? Cyrus lacks integrity. He doesn't always keep his Word. His actions are not reliable. Unless you mean "His actions are reliable in that sooner or later, we go back to the same ol' mess. Just a different day."

It also sounds like he does whatever til he gets caught, then does enough "fake apology roses" to hook you back in, and once you are re-hooked he then goes back to his old pattern. The roses are not genuine.

You have worth, dignity and value. You deserve to be treated well. If he's not treating you well, YOU could treat you well and step off the Cyrus merry-go-round if you are tired of that ride.

I think your uneasy feelings about all this are well justified.

I hope you decide to STOP loving him "unconditionally."

I hope you think about what you want for your adult dating life and what your personal standards for dating will be as an adult. I hope you decide to have some conditions in those standards -- like no lies, treating you with respect rather than taking you for granted and kind of disposable. Conditions that BOTH you and your dating partners have to meet.

• They don't treat you badly.
• If they do? You stop staying for more. You do not start new things with them.

If Cyrus doesn't meet your personal standards for how you want to be treated in an adult relationship? You could decide to let the trust STAY destroyed. Let him go, and get you out of the line of fire so you don't get dinged again by Cyrus behaviors.

YOU are responsible for your health and well being. Nobody else is going to do it for you. If you keep putting yourself in the line of fire and he keeps dinging you? YOU are the one putting yourself there. You could move way from a hurtful person and make yourself "un-dingable."

I think you could seek relationships elsewhere that DO treat you well.

I think you could take the risk and break up. Learn what that is like and learn that actually... yeah, you can cope with break ups. Not what you want to be doing every Friday night, but if you have to, you can handle it. Then never again do you have to be clinging to an ill fitting thing from fear of being alone or fear of not being able to cope.

You will already know you CAN cope.

HTH!

Galagirl

 

[EmpressReese]

Thank you for your reply tenK, you've brought up some very excellent points that I wasn't fully grasping on my own!

What do you need from him in order to rebuild trust? This is what I think you need to deal with first. How do you get to a place where him dating others (this girl, or someone else) feels good and not like another betrayal?

This is a complicated one for me, but I agree that it's the best place to start. It's difficult to fully explain the depth of my relationship with him, and it's even harder to explain while simultaneously acknowledging that I've been lied to and discounted in the past. What I do know is that when he came forward recently and began telling everyone everything, and explaining my and his relationship to her (I'll call her Jasper) in the way that I have always thought of it, it was a breathe of fresh air. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of our relationship that had been there for a long time. Part of it was relief that I was no longer being downplayed, but the other part of it is that I was glad to see that me and him are more on the same page that I initially thought we were. I had always believed that him getting involved with someone else would replace me, so the statement of "These are all of the things that Reese is to me and I love her, and I also love you," and vice versa, to me and Jasper, really helped that, if that makes sense. So to go back to the initial question, that was the major first thing that had to happen for trust to even begin being rebuilt because it was the biggest source of discord in our relationship, the fact that I wasn't quite sure where I fit or how important I was (I know this is a very mono way of thinking) if he was also speaking to other people, and him voicing that to Jasper. Going forward it's going to take a lot of blatant honesty from him, which is the obvious part. What I also need are blunt conversations with him, when and however I am ready to have them, about the implications of him being poly to our relationship. I have a lot of questions that I need answered by him, that I'm not yet ready to ask, but whenever I am ready, I need to be able to talk about those things.

A triad relationship is a bunch of V relationships all stacked up. It's not (you and him) dating her, it's you dating him and him dating her, and also you dating her and her dating him, as well as her dating you and you dating him. You are three people. Not a couple plus one. So what is it, specifically, that makes you feel better about him dating her if you're also getting to date her, rather than either 1) him dating her and you dating no one, or 2) him dating her and you finding your own awesome other person to date?

As I was reading this part, I couldn't stop smiling because you 100% hit the nail on the head. This is the EXACT question that I've been trying to work out in my head, that I haven't been able to fully put into words. I honestly have no idea what it is that makes me feel better about dating her, specifically, that would make me feel better. Part of it I guess is that I don't want to feel left out. On my own, I have no desire to actively seek out someone new, at least not right now. But with her already here, for some reason that makes me feel differently. I'm not sure if it's because I feel that in order to be with him, I have to accept her presence as well. But also I genuinely do like her, and it doesn't feel like it's out of jealousy or the fear of missing out. So I have no idea. A lot of it too is that I have a habit of thinking of things in terms of the future, and what happens down the road. It's not always the right way of thinking, but it helps for me to visualize the implications of what a poly relationship would mean and look like. What I can see myself being comfortable with (I know it's totally fantasy at this point) is all living together in a house in another state, and having kids and having a family as 3 people, instead of 2. And I know that's totally jumping the gun because we're still at stage 1 of "Do I trust you enough to even consider this?" but that's what I think would work for me, I'm not sure that seeing other people in separate places would make me happy. And in the conversations that I've had with Cyrus, after having already come to that conclusion on my own, that seems to be what he wants as well. He doesn't want relationships with people in different places, he wants a family that might happen to include more than 2 people. I do understand that this requires a lot more work and more breaking down of social norms and expectations than I'm making it sound like in those two sentences.

I really, really, appreciate your response and it's doing a lot to clear my head, because I've been having a hard time of working through all of this step-by-step when I have a thousand different thoughts happening at the same time.

 

[Magdlyn]

Welcome to the board, EmpressReese.

You sound very confused but you lay out your thoughts well. I hope you are letting the suggestions from the other posters color your thoughts. I hope laying out your thoughts and feelings here helps also!

I agree with GalaGirl and tenK.

A triad "family" is not an easy thing to establish and maintain. It sounds like you slightly fancy Jasper but who knows if she's good roommate material, much less material to be a good "wife" for either of you?

Of course you could throw caution to the wind and just move her in. But I don't think it would be fair to her, or you. Cyrus has betrayed both of you very badly. Living all on top of each other would hotbox the whole situation.

There's nothing terrible about allowing this to be a V, while you and Jasper each sort out whether you can trust Cyrus to be a good hinge in a V. You can even see Jasper separately, as friends, if you want. But beware of constantly gossiping about Cyrus to each other behind his back. Don't start having sex with her, either one on one or in threesomes with Cyrus. Hormones will only complicate things and make rebuilding trust more difficult after a few sex sessions have gone by. Trust me, we've seen it all here, time and time again.

Take a breath, slow it all the heck down. I know you're still very young and all probably as horny as billy goats, but you're playing with fire. You realise you do have romantic unrealistic fantasies about a blissful 3 way marriage future. Good. Keep that at the forefront of your brain.

One more thing: 3way marriages are illegal. One woman would be the legal wife. The other would have no protection under the law, and neither would her children.

Read books. Polyamory and Children. Opening Up. More Than Two.