My partner wants to close a long term (semi) open relationship

Q

qmayxk52

New member
My partner and I have been together nearly 8 years, since we were 18/19. We have always been somewhat open, but had restrictions on what we could do with other people sexually - and neither of us are interested in dating other people. I've always been more interested in being open than him; if it was up to me we would have a fully open relationship, sexually. He is less interested in it, and wouldn't mind having a monogamous relationship if he was with a partner who wanted that. So far, we have both been happy to compromise because we have a healthy, supportive relationship that we want to continue, and being open hasn't caused any issues for us.

For the last few years we have had a specific set of rules that allowed for some, albeit limited, sexual activity with other people. In a conversation over the weekend, it came up that my partner had a different understanding of those rules. He believed that we were only allowed to kiss other people, and is now stating that this is all he feels comfortable with.

I am very upset by this situation, as I was already compromising what I wanted for our previous (less restrictive) rules. I feel like this takes away all capacity for me to really be intimate with others, which feels very restricting. But I also understand that he has also been compromising for me, and don't want to ask him to do something that he is not comfortable with.

I am hoping that someone might have advice for how to navigate this. We have spoken about this a couple of times in the last few days, and he seems unwilling to change his position. I don't want to end this relationship, because he is someone I can see myself spending a lot of my life with, but I also very strongly feel that I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship (and have felt that way in all my relationships). I'd really appreciate any advice, or perhaps some resources that might help him be more open to the idea.


(PS I realise that the miscommunication about our rules might seem like a big red flag. It isn't a major problem, he often doesn't pay attention to these kinds of specific details. We have talked it out and there is no anger or resentment for the miscommunication or anything that might have happened as a result of it.)

Thanks in advance!
 
qmayxk52 said:
I am very upset by this situation, as I was already compromising what I wanted for our previous (less restrictive) rules. I feel like this takes away all capacity for me to really be intimate with others...
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Set aside your concern for your BF momentarily and tell us what kind of intimacy you would like to be having with others.
 
Through sunset

I guess I am mostly referring to light sexual play i.e. touching, oral etc., and also cuddling/spooning. In an ideal world, I would also like to have sex with others, but I can compromise on that. I am not interested in romantic relationships, but do like to be friends with the people I hook up with.
 
I don't want to end this relationship, because he is someone I can see myself spending a lot of my life with, but I also very strongly feel that I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship (and have felt that way in all my relationships). I'd really appreciate any advice, or perhaps some resources that might help him be more open to the idea.
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I mean this kindly, ok? :eek:

To me that bold part sounds like the bargaining stage of grief. Like you are not at final acceptance that you have become incompatible and it is best to part ways. Stop being romantic partners and try to be something that fits better instead -- like friends.

Friends can still spend a lot of their lives together. But then neither one of you is struggling with these "Open-ish" agreements. You can both be free of them.

If at this point in time he wants to go tighter and limit it to kissing? And at this point in time you have gone as tight as you care to go? And neither one wants to change? Then you have become incompatible for romance. Rather than fighting that... could accept it and talk about what relationship shape COULD fit the people better moving forward.

I think being friends would be better. Then he can pursue the monogamous romances he likes best, and you can pursue romance how you want to.

There is coming to compromise on something. Where each person gives up something and is ok not really getting what they wanted in full. Because it is small stuff. If I want the whole last popsicle and child wants it, we agree to split it. Neither one gets a whole one. But we are ok with it because we do groceries in the evening and we each have another WHOLE one then. Small stuff.

This is about compromising your core values. That is not small. If you value having the freedom to date/romance others in an Open model and you are already compromising on your values? It's going to pinch. It's been pinching. And of course you are not eager to pinch even more.

Same on his side. He's already been compromising on his values and it's been pinching. He's trying to compromise his core values less so he can start to feel better. Which I get... but pulling more to his preferred side will make you feel worse. Him pulling more to your preferred side will make him feel worse.

So... maybe both could stop bending into pretzels and pursue a relationship shape that fits more naturally? So BOTH can feel better over time? Could let the romance between you two go and focus instead on what it takes to be good friends post dating. Then each one could follow their own romantic preferences without affecting the other one like this. The "pinching" can stop.

Galagirl
 
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qmayxk52 said:
I guess I am mostly referring to light sexual play i.e. touching, oral etc., and also cuddling/spooning. In an ideal world, I would also like to have sex with others, but I can compromise on that. I am not interested in romantic relationships, but do like to be friends with the people I hook up with.
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In keeping with GalaGirl's advice about compatibility, there's no need to pretzel yourself into a relationship that doesn't fit you. There are many, many, many people who would love to meet someone like you who wants to explore sexual friendships while partnered. A polyamory forum is perhaps not the best place to hang out for you, since poly is focused on multiple love relationships, but there are many places where swinging and open relationships are discussed. There's no need for you to convince any guy to have a sexually open relationship with you, there are oodles who are just waiting to meet a woman like you (or a guy like you - your gender is unclear.)
 
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qmayxk52 said:
I am hoping that someone might have advice for how to navigate this. We have spoken about this a couple of times in the last few days, and he seems unwilling to change his position. I don't want to end this relationship, because he is someone I can see myself spending a lot of my life with, but I also very strongly feel that I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship (and have felt that way in all my relationships). I'd really appreciate any advice, or perhaps some resources that might help him be more open to the idea.
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It looks like you know. Either end the relationship or give up your core being. Trying to talk him into it will not work.
 
qmayxk52 said:
(PS I realise that the miscommunication about our rules might seem like a big red flag. It isn't a major problem, he often doesn't pay attention to these kinds of specific details We have talked it out and there is no anger or resentment for the miscommunication or anything that might have happened as a result of it.)
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I'd agree that the miscommunication isn't a red flag in this case however I'm here from the future to tell you that the text in bold is a big deal, particularly if you continue have a relationship with this guy. It says that he's either currently unable (my guess) or unwilling to do the emotional labor necessary to maintain an emotionally honest and intimate relationship. In essence it's him saying that he knows you two talked about it but all he remembered was "blah blah blah."

This, along his with refusal to even considering working with you to support you meeting your needs while he examines his discomfort is where I recommend you start the process of navigating your way through this.

You said that you feel like you've already been compromising on what you want with the rules you thought the two of you had previously negotiated (those rules he was unclear about because he doesn't pay attention to details) and that this further limitation wouldn't allow you to explore or have the type of intimate experiences you'd like to. As a thought experiment, consider how frustrated you feel right now about this new restriction then try to imagine what you'd feel after several years of suppressing your desires so that you can be faithful to this new agreement. In my experience love withers under restrictions.

For me, the period from 18/19 thru 26/27 was a time of enormous change in terms of what I understood about myself and what I wanted from life. In that time I began to grow romantically incompatible with my long term partner because of these changes. As part of navigating this, consider asking yourself if maybe this is part of what's going on now. For me a hard part of this process was feeling like somehow this growing apart was a failure when in reality it's just something that happens as people grow and change. What became important to me then was how I handled this process.

He's told you pretty clearly that he's only ok with kissing and he's been pretty adamant that's he's not going to move on that. I'd tend to believe him and rather than ask "what can I do to move towards what I want?" I'd ask myself if I can accept this limit or if it's time for me to move on from the relationship. This doesn't mean you won't still be a part of each other's life but rather just a change in the roles you play. It's also possible that after being apart and having separate experiences that the two of you might find your way back to one another romantically. Based on the details you've given, I'm not sure you could navigate your way to the relationship you'd like to have because it seems like you both want fairly different things.

However if you decide to try to work through this and still want resources that are helpful two commonly recommended books are "More than Two" and "Opening Up." There's also an ever increasing amount of poly blogs and resources on the net. Last but not least, this forum is a pretty rich resource if you do a little searching.
 
Hi everyone!

Just wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful responses and feedback on my situation. I can't say it's exactly what I was hoping to hear, but it's still been very helpful. Aside from this issue, the relationship makes me incredibly happy... so I have a lot of thinking to do. Thanks again for offering your advice!
 
Hello qmayxk52,

I just want to say that I'll be supportive of whatever you do ... You seem to want to stay together with your partner. You just want to know how to cope with the new restrictions he has imposed; or, you would like to know how to convince him to loosen the restrictions a little.

Besides Opening Up and More than Two, there is a book called, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. If your partner would be willing to read it, it may convince him that nonmonogamy is a natural state of being for Homo sapiens. So try that. It's a good book. But I must say that I know of no sure-fire way to convince him. Usually when you try to convince someone to change their point of view, they just dig their heels in deeper. I am not trying to discourage you, I'm just saying, this is what has been my experience.

I stand by what I initially said: I'll support you no matter what you decide to do. Hang in there and good luck.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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