My partner wants to go on vacation with J.

I

inescarvalho

New member
Hi everyone,

So B and I have been opening up our relationship for a year now and we still have a lot to work on. At some point during this period B applied for a short term job offer (3months) in another country and got accepted. We had just moved to Berlin at the time together and we were struggling a lot to find our way in, so this was an amazing opportunity and he took it. What happened next was that we ended up living in different countries for around 9 months. We managed to meet each other 4 times and continued working on the open relationship. In the meantime Bruno met J.

He is now back in Berlin and we've been living together for 2 months now and we're happy but still adjusting. In the last couple of weeks we've been working a lot in the open relationship process, and I feel that for the 1st time we're really going somewhere. Yey!

Now: B wants to visit J next month. They were planning on having this honey moon by the beach.

I've been making so much progress lately but I still feel so far from being ready to deal with that situation. We've spoke about it and B understands. He told me that he can go latter on.
But 1st of all it's not fair.. and he's a bit sad about it. And what about J's feelings? Is she supposed to depend on my own emotional journey? When will I be able to manage this? I don't want to put their relationship on stand by mode for an undetermined period of time.. that's terrible. And so B doesn't even know how to tell her all this. And I never met her, for geographical reasons.

We're very confused. And I need to figure something out very soon.

Thank you for your time,
inês
 
inescarvalho said:
Hi everyone,

So B and I have been opening up our relationship for a year now and we still have a lot to work on. At some point during this period B applied for a short term job offer (3 months) in another country and got accepted. We had just moved to Berlin at the time, together, and we were struggling a lot to find our way in, so this was an amazing opportunity and he took it.

What happened next was that we ended up living in different countries for around 9 months. We managed to meet each other 4 times and continued working on the open relationship. In the meantime B met J.

He is now back in Berlin and we've been living together for 2 months now. We're happy, but still adjusting. In the last couple of weeks we've been working a lot on the open relationship process, and I feel that for the 1st time we're really going somewhere. Yay!

Now: B wants to visit J next month. They were planning on having this honeymoon by the beach.

I've been making so much progress lately, but I still feel so far from being ready to deal with that situation. We've spoken about it and B understands. He told me that he can go later on.

But 1st of all, it's not fair, and he's a bit sad about it. And what about J's feelings? Is she supposed to depend on my own emotional journey? When will I be able to manage this?

I don't want to put their relationship on stand-by mode for an undetermined period of time, that's terrible. And so B doesn't even know how to tell her all this.

I have never met her, for geographical reasons.

We're very confused. And I need to figure something out very soon.
Click to expand...

I don't think there is any huge rush. After all, you're both new to polyamory. Maybe J is too. Everyone is allowed to begin to feel comfortable with poly at their own pace. So, go easy on yourself.

Many couples might want to take their time with the idea of one of them vacationing with another SO. How long do they want to go away for, a whole week? Why are you calling it a honeymoon? They're not married. Why can't it just be a vacation?

Maybe you really missed B and the idea of him going away for a week (or whatever) is hard to take. Maybe YOU want a week at the beach with J, and you're envious. Maybe you're afraid J is getting more of the "fun" with B, while you're just sitting around the house with him.

I am also thinking we are in the time of Covid and is a beach vacation really safe right now?

Try and break down what your main concerns are about this vacation. It's up to B, as the hinge, to tell J whether or not HE feels comfortable going away with her. He might not be able to enjoy himself if he knows you'll be sad or upset. That's his responsibility to deal with. You don't have to think you personally are hurting J by feeling what you feel.

They are responsible for their feelings and actions, and you are responsible for yours. Don't carry their load for them.
 
I agree with Magdlyn about the whole honeymoon thing. Just because you go on vacation with a romantic partner, it doesn't make it a honeymoon! Why make it bigger than it is?

If not for COVID though, I would wonder why it was a big deal. If your partner was visiting a meta anyway, what's so wrong with them going to the beach?

Given COVID though, is the travelling really a good idea right now, let alone to a place where there will definitely be other people?
 
Hi Inês,

It doesn't sound like your reservations are something that can be analyzed and worked through, at least not at an accelerated rate; it just sounds like this is too soon for you, in the poly process, to handle B going on vacation with J. I think it's okay for B to postpone the vacation, it's not like you want him to postpone for like, three years or anything like that. Heck, you might find that you can handle it soon enough for them to go in September. Who knows?

Of course you should still work through your reservations, as well as you can over time, little by little. Start by asking yourself, what thoughts and feelings do you have when you consider this (now hypothetical) vacation that they were going to have? Try to be specific. Exactly what kind of feelings, and exactly what thoughts? If you can, try even to determine what part of your body you feel the feelings in. And, of course, keep posting on the forum. We'll keep trying to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Vicki82 said:
I agree with Magdlyn about the whole honeymoon thing. Just because you go on vacation with a romantic partner, it doesn't make it a honeymoon! Why make it bigger than it is?

If not for COVID though, I would wonder why it was a big deal. If your partner was visiting a meta anyway, what's so wrong with them going to the beach?

Given COVID though, is the travelling really a good idea right now, let alone to a place where there will definitely be other people?
Click to expand...

Hi Vicki

Yes, not to mention the virus.
You're right it was a poor choice of words. And I'm thankful that you pointed that out. You really helped me realize how I sometimes put things in way that only makes everything so much worse. I understand what you mean, this choice of words is unhealthy (defense mechanisms, victimization, attribution of guilt).

I feel more aware.


Have a nice weekend
and stay safe

inês
 
I don't think there is any huge rush. After all, you're both new to polyamory. Maybe J is too. Everyone is allowed to begin to feel comfortable with poly at their own pace. So, go easy on yourself.
Click to expand...

I know... You're right. Thank you

Many couples might want to take their time with the idea of one of them vacationing with another SO. How long do they want to go away for, a whole week? Why are you calling it a honeymoon? They're not married. Why can't it just be a vacation?
Click to expand...

I think a week or 2. I was just nervous and sad and that's why I made such a poor choice of words without even noticing it. I do need to take my time with the idea, I'm just not ready.

Maybe you really missed B and the idea of him going away for a week (or whatever) is hard to take. Maybe YOU want a week at the beach with J, and you're envious.
Click to expand...

It is hard to take because I feel abandoned, lonely and unloved quite often. That has nothing to do with him. And yes I want a vacation. Thanks for helping me realize this.

Try and break down what your main concerns are about this vacation. It's up to B, as the hinge, to tell J whether or not HE feels comfortable going away with her. He might not be able to enjoy himself if he knows you'll be sad or upset. That's his responsibility to deal with. You don't have to think you personally are hurting J by feeling what you feel.

They are responsible for their feelings and actions, and you are responsible for yours. Don't carry their load for them.
Click to expand...

You're right. This is an issue for me I'm always worrying about everyone's feelings and ignoring my own and then i get sad and mad that no one does the same for me which just doesn't make sense. I know. Working on it.
 
Inês, you are getting some great advice, and are taking it on board. Excellent!

One thing you are noticing is that you worry a lot about other people's feelings, without taking your own feelings into account. It is okay to put yourself first!

Carry on.
 
Thanks Kevin,
I'm making a conscious effort not to.
I don't know why I do that.

Have a nice week
Inês
 
Thanks. I know you can do it! :)
 
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