My partners have issues, what can I do?

[Fay]

Hello,

I have a relationship (sort of, we don't do labels) with two people (one man, one woman) since a few months/nearly half a year. It's great, best relationship I've ever been in and it's the first non-monogamous one.

My partners have been together for 2 years in a monogamous relationship, followed by a few months of open/poly. They broke up after that for unrelated reasons, the woman stayed in a relationship with her girlfriend for a while after that. Later on the woman and her ex got back together but they don't call it a relationship anymore and what they have is not primary to other partners.

The unrelated reasons aren't fully solved however. Whenever the woman panicks, she can suddenly become jealous of the man's other partners. I am the only one seeing them both, which makes us sort of a triad. We'll spend valentine's day together with the three of us too, unless they're goinh to have a fight again in which case I'll spend it with the woman.

I know neither of them is fully to blame for theur trouble, because it's mostly caused by them being unable to deal with each others' personal issues. For example, he has had a drinking problem and she has post-traumatic stress from painful events that happened when he was at his worst.

They go up and down between being extremely close and not wanting to see each other for a few days to avoid triggers. I love them both and have issues with neither of them, but theur problems weigh quite heavily on me. I want to be there for them, but don't know what to do and it stresses me sometimes too.

Is there anything I can do to either help them solve their problems or to get less affected myself?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Fay,

It seems that your partners have issues that they need to work out between themselves, you cannot solve those problems for them. I would say that during their times of conflict, you might want to put some distance between you and both of them, so that you aren't being exposed to stress and pressure that you didn't cause and can't fix. You may even want to look further down the road, and ask yourself what you'll do if they continue to have these problems, or if the problems get even worse.

Sorry you are having to deal with these difficulties.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

They go up and down between being extremely close and not wanting to see each other for a few days to avoid triggers.

Well, that's how they cope when there's "too much togetherness." They take some time apart. How does this bother/affect you?

Could you prefer not to be hearing about their latest argument or fight? Would that help it weigh less heavily on you? If so, ask each not to stop telling you about it. Figure out what you DO want to know about -- what is "news worthy."

Like... "We had a fight... We are breaking up permanently" might be "news" you want to know. But maybe you don't want to hear the "instant-replay" if it's just regular kerfuffle that will sort out again with time/space apart. Ask them to kvetch OUT at people not in this system. Ask them not to kvetch IN at you. You are part of the system.

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

I love them both and have issues with neither of them, but their problems weigh quite heavily on me.

I would say you have a problem with how they currently handle their kerfuffling because it spills over on to you. You might need to set some personal boundaries around with consequences YOU can do.

Like if one of them starts ruminating at you and you don't want to be hearing it? You have to say "I see that you want to talk about this. I cannot be the listener. I need you to tell someone OUTSIDE the system. Because I am in this system and I don't want to be put in the middle of my two partners."

I want to be there for them, but don't know what to do and it stresses me sometimes too.

How are their problems your responsibility to solve?

What does "be there for them" mean to each one? Are they actually making requests of you? Or are you "leaping in" to serve without anyone asking you in order to stem your own anxiety indirectly?

Is the stress being put upon you by others asking you to do unreasonable/unrealistic things or is it being put upon by YOU asking yourself to do unreasonable/unrealistic things?

Is there anything I can do to either help them solve their problems or to get less affected myself?

I think their problems are their responsibility to solve. They could ask you for help. You could say "yes" or "no" depending on your willingness/ability.

Or you could offer to help, but if they say "No thanks" you have to accept that this is not actually your deal to solve.

It AFFECTS you maybe, but it isn't your responsibility to solve.

Things you could do:

• You could form some boundaries around their storming.
  • You could ask them to limit the information to "major news" only. List examples of what is "major news" to you.
  • You could ask them not to tell you any more "play by play" about it when they are storming. Since they are frequent fliers with this, you don't want to be hearing it so often. YOU don't have to be a frequent flier by "default."
  • If they "leak" on to you wanting a listener, you could point them to appropriate listeners outside the system and remind them not to put you in the middle.
  • You could leave it to them to solve and not offer help. You are not responsible for fixing their problems.
  • You could offer to help, but accept it if they don't want your help. You are not actually responsible for fixing their problems.
• You could create some more distance because you are too up close.
  • You could take a time out yourself when they are storming.
  • You could see them "in trio" less often if it just brings up kerfuffle and spoils the date. See them separately more.
  • You could break up with them if the storming is so often and frequent you find it draining and stressful because it's never DONE done.

I cannot think of anything else.

Galagirl