I’m going to write my main thoughts/concerns out in bullet points because there’s a lot of info and I want to be as succinct as possible. But first, a brief history:
I’m in a closed triad. We’ve been together for almost a year. We currently all live together and I own the house. My partners are married to each other. Before we got together romantically, we had all been friends for over a decade. Last year, my bad marriage ended. A few months after that, they approached me to become a third. I was elated. Yes, I had fears at the beginning that I was entering this relationship too soon. But after much open discussion, I felt comfortable and decided to dive headfirst into this new love. (Please no comments about how I should have waited. Trust me, I’ve berated myself enough and what’s done is done. I just need some advice about what’s going on currently.)
Most of the time, we all feel fairly secure (or so I thought). When we are feeling insecure, we talk about it. One of us (we’ll call her A) has more frequent bouts of insecurity. I recently discovered that these insecurities stem from the fact that she felt overlooked by our other partner (we’ll call her B) in their marriage for 10 years. Now that we all have this new relationship energy, it’s difficult for A to see B interact with me the way she does. A says it’s hard to accept that intimacy and affection are so easy for B now, because B was pretty closed off during the 10 years they were together before me. This issue recently came to an explosive head and divorce between A and B is on the table. I have so many swirling thoughts that I don’t even know where to begin, but I’ll try:
I was unaware of their marriage problems when I entered the relationship. In fact, I thought they were relationship goals! In regards to their marriage, B tells me that everything was just fine and wasn't aware of any issues. Conversely, A tells me that these issues have been ongoing. But she said yes to the triad because she’s had feelings for me for years. (I’ve also had feelings for her for a long time.) After their most recent blowup, A apologized and told me she felt like they had “baited and switched” me about what their relationship was like before me.
I’m in a closed triad. We’ve been together for almost a year. We currently all live together and I own the house. My partners are married to each other. Before we got together romantically, we had all been friends for over a decade. Last year, my bad marriage ended. A few months after that, they approached me to become a third. I was elated. Yes, I had fears at the beginning that I was entering this relationship too soon. But after much open discussion, I felt comfortable and decided to dive headfirst into this new love. (Please no comments about how I should have waited. Trust me, I’ve berated myself enough and what’s done is done. I just need some advice about what’s going on currently.)
Most of the time, we all feel fairly secure (or so I thought). When we are feeling insecure, we talk about it. One of us (we’ll call her A) has more frequent bouts of insecurity. I recently discovered that these insecurities stem from the fact that she felt overlooked by our other partner (we’ll call her B) in their marriage for 10 years. Now that we all have this new relationship energy, it’s difficult for A to see B interact with me the way she does. A says it’s hard to accept that intimacy and affection are so easy for B now, because B was pretty closed off during the 10 years they were together before me. This issue recently came to an explosive head and divorce between A and B is on the table. I have so many swirling thoughts that I don’t even know where to begin, but I’ll try:
I was unaware of their marriage problems when I entered the relationship. In fact, I thought they were relationship goals! In regards to their marriage, B tells me that everything was just fine and wasn't aware of any issues. Conversely, A tells me that these issues have been ongoing. But she said yes to the triad because she’s had feelings for me for years. (I’ve also had feelings for her for a long time.) After their most recent blowup, A apologized and told me she felt like they had “baited and switched” me about what their relationship was like before me.
- I love them both dearly. I don’t want this to end. But I can’t be a reason (even an indirect one) why their marriage ends. That’s just not something I can live with.
- I’ve told them before that I can either be with both of them or neither of them…
- Despite this, B has asked me on a few occasions if I would stay with her even if A and B break up. (This makes me feel all kinds of ways and I don’t know how to respond.)
- In a different world, I could see myself being in a mono relationship with one of them, but not the other. (I'm not even going to say which one it is because it’s irrelevant.) EVEN SO, I can’t tell either of them this for obvious reasons. As much as I hate it, ethically I just don’t want to choose between them. So that’s really a moot point.
- A has mentioned that we should all just be in a V with me as the head. I don’t like this idea either because 1) that’s a lot of pressure on me and 2) that still involves breaking up a marriage (which I don’t want to be a part of). I also just don't see that going well for anyone.
- I try my best to be there for each of them, emotionally. And I try not to mediate when there are problems. I really try to draw a boundary there.
